We are finally home and we are exhausted in every way. .. physically, mentally, emotionally. Today turned out to be nothing like we planned it to be. We first came to Iowa City, preparing ourselves for surgery. That did not happen. However because the surgery was postponed, we had a relaxing morning, waking up bright and early at 6 am to our little angel. :) I remembered Abby's surgery was to start at 6, so I said a prayer for her. I couldn't help but notice Tesh's high spirit that morning, babbling her little sounds of "da da da da da...". We ate our breakfast, watched a little of actual TV (which we do not have the luxury of at home) and got packed and ready to check out of the hotel.
We decided we still wanted to sit a little with Tami and David, as they anxiously await the confirmation that Abby is safe and done with surgery. I was still only left with my imagination of their feelings during this process. We reached the hospital, following the instructions Tami gave us to get to the waiting room. Instantly we saw David passing through the door and he spotted us. The man that, last night, after being asked how he was doing, would say, "alright. it has to be done." with a shield up, now.... had tears in his eyes and his face full of anxiety. He admitted he was anxious and explained that Tami has been done crying for a while. That made my heart break for them. They told us that the nurses said that they'd call when they started the surgery... . but there was no call. So we all sat and were left there to wonder..... 'what was happening to their Abby?'
We had some good conversation for a while, then they finally got a call. Abby was doing great and they were almost done. Tami and David sat there, from start to finish for about 6 hours. phew. Tami was relieved, but David was still holding his breath until she came out of anesthesia. They were finally called in, and that's when we parted. We were happy to see them get through this surgery, and unfortunately, it was time to leave and we didn't get a chance to see Abby.
As we were in the elevator, I announced that I was going to see the Flinn's one more time before we left. Josh, understandably, wanted to get home, but my thought process was, "it's not like we are in Iowa City everyday. Since we're here, we might as well visit."
We get up to their floor of the PICU where little Miles is, and we saw this couple sitting on one of the couch's just outside of the PICU. Josh and sleeping Tesh camped at the other couch, cause children aren't aloud in the PICU. I walked off, telling Josh I won't be long. The wife, of the couple, got up really fast, bawling. I could hear her as I walked off into the hallway as she cried, "I"m sorry, I can't do this! I have to go back into the room!" pushing through her husband. I was about a third of the way into the hall and I could hear the echos of her crying getting closer to me. I was thinking, 'ok, she obviously has a child in here that is really sick.' I wondered what was going on.. I made up my mind, very quickly, cause time was of the essence, and stopped walking. I turned around and asked the stupid introductory question, "Are you ok?" knowing full well, she was not. She brushed passed me with her hand up to silence me as she said through her tears, "My baby just died.." Before I let her get any further away, I said as quick as I could, " I know what you're going through. My baby died of SIDS."
Time stopped for a moment, and she turned towards me and curiously asked, "Really?" I finally saw her face as she let loose all her tears. I instantly wrapped my arms around her, and embraced this crying stranger.
The looks on their faces were all too familiar. That deep sheer panic, as you are thinking "what the heck just happened." It felt like a dream, better yet, a nightmare. No one ever can prepare to lose their baby, and when it happens, you find yourself lost in a pool of your own tears, where there is no time, but also no air.
I put my mouth to her ear and said, "You just breathe, that is all you are expected to do.... take one breath at a time and breathe." I glanced up, catching her husband's glazed over eyes watching us, for he followed her and was standing behind her. He lipped the words, "thank you" and I smiled and nodded back. I was crying a little with her, as feelings came back to me of my present grief. I let her go, and told her to get in there and breathe. She walked to her room, down a different hallway, and the husband, following her, once again lipped the words, "thank you". I said " no problem" .... then I turned towards my original destination and started walking again.
Tears filled my eyes as I tried to compose myself but they kept coming. They started down my face as I got deeper into the hallway towards Amber.( Miles' mom) Amber just so happened to be standing outside her room with a bucket in her arms full of bottles. By the time I got to her I was started crying even more, I said to her, "sorry, I just came to say hi, but I ran into this woman that just lost her baby." As I covered my face with my hands, I found myself shaking, not able to breathe as well, overwhelmed with my memories of losing Sarah. Amber instantly embraced me as I cried, understanding what feelings that encounter must have brought back. I explained to her what happened as I tried to calm down, but still shaking. Then I asked how Miles was doing. Although Miles' surgery part of things was going well, he was not responding to the sedation very well that he needed to be under for recovery. The prayer is, is that he can get his breathing tube out tomorrow, and that the sedation period can be lifted. As I listened to her, tears remained in my eyes as I was taking all that she was saying in. When Miles was first born, he had so many issues, that they almost lost him. She has been tormented by close shaves with Miles. Her husband Tommy came out to talk a while. It was so nice being able to talk to them and see them one last time before we went back home.
As Amber and I walked back towards Josh, I ran into the grieving dad again. He again, said thank you to me and I said back at him, "You need to breathe too." He stopped and was willing to speak with me a little. I asked what happened. I had a hard time understanding his shaken voice, but what I did hear was that the baby was 2 or 3 weeks old and that he had a heart problem, and they helplessly watched him die. He was explaining that he was so enraged that he was throwing chairs and looking for other things to throw and that people had to stay away from him. I told him that Josh almost ran away, but was stopped by his father cause we needed him here to go to the hospital. After a bit more conversation he went back to his room and then I left Amber, and came to Josh sitting there waiting, as patiently as he could. (it had been an hour:)
Poor Josh was guilt stricken this whole time, having the gut feeling that when we came in, that woman set off. In hindsight, we realized that Tesh, another baby, was probably what set her off, and Josh had that gut feeling about it too when it happened. I cried once more as I explained what happened. With his somber face, he said," When our schedules are disrupted, we need to find the reason why."
We walked out of that building completely exhausted in every way, but in a good way. It was like we had been working on something so hard and finally finished our part, and we able to look back at the masterpiece that was being made. Not by our design, of course.
None of this would've had happened like this if we'd been in surgery, waiting in our own misery, being served by everyone else. (there is a time to be served, but this was not that time) We chose to make this day into what it needed to be. Obviously, there was a reason beyond our comprehension, beyond our sight, a reason why we were here still. I was at peace with the fact that the surgery was postponed. (finally...... and it only took a day:)
Thank you Lord, for blessing this day and using us for Your glory. Prayers for Abby and Miles' healing and rest.
You know that feeling of contemplating within yourself to speak or not to speak to someone. Don't fight it, just do it in the name of Love. ..... for God is Love. You have the free will to embrace these moments, or you can let them pass by......
bondservant
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