Much Ado About Nothing.... 30 weeks and Christmas!

Although that movie is not one of my favorites, the saying rings true in almost anything of this world. I love my midwife. I love the atmosphere she creates in her care... this calm, let it happen, don't worry about things that aren't there, listen to your body and your instinct, your the mother and in control of your own baby, I've got your back, kind of care. It's wonderful. It leaves my pregnancy between us (Josh and I) and our Protector. As I'm into my last trimester, the inevitable braxton hicks starts kicking in at full force. I kind of like them cause it gives me LOTS of practice for staying calm and relaxed for actual labor, but it's not so fun when I'm unsure if I should be taking action against, "preterm labor" contractions that seem to collect almost every night. With the kind of care that this particular midwife is giving me, I'm able to calm down about them in my head, and know that "this is what I do... I have lots of contractions, all the time, and I will know when it's real labor or not. and until then.... DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT! Let them come and do their thing... they are as stubborn as you are"  ;) 

At my last appt. we discussed "the glucose test". I grumbled about it, and said, kidding, "Do I have to?" and she replied, "No" with this nonchalant look on her face. I asked, "Really??" We discussed it a little further, talking about my history of no gestational diabetes with all 4 pregnancies. That glucose test always makes me jittery and gives me headaches. Why do that to my body/and baby when there's no symptoms of the diagnosis for which I'm being tested for?   Which led me to saying, "Ok! No glucose test then!"

As I pass the mark for when I started "preterm-like contractions" being pregnant with #4, not having the "hype" (a.k.a. medical intervention and hours of sitting in triage, being sent home with medications) about whatever contractions I'm having now, I feel a bit of success as I wait for the next mark which would be 33 weeks. (preterm labor contractions with #3) I'm optimistic about it, which is new for me, but I think I'm getting a little better about this optimistic approach... (not good, just better, ha..) I'm bound and determined to NOT need to be on any "labor stopping meds" with this one. No bed rest would be nice too....

My ultrasound went very well. Baby is 2.5 lbs. :) Oh, .. and my placenta moved!! ... not sure how, but it did! Praise God! It's now 6 1/2 cm away from my cervix, for those of you who really wanted to know that. :) They couldn't tell if "cranio" was apparent, but I knew, by experience, that you can't really diagnose something like that with ultrasound, but I did go back and compare ultra sound photos from Tesh and this one, and I see a beautiful difference. Look at these ultra sound picks (all you "head pickers") See how Tesh's forehead is out a little and the back of her head is slanted funny? Then look at Baby #5's head... normal looking to me!

Baby Tesh- cranio-

Baby #5- normal looking head-

Baby is breech.... not worrying about that right now. This baby has been so active that I swear it's trying to come through my actual belly, always kicking and rolling around. My hubs had his hand resting on my belly last night, during a movie, and eventually he said, "Calm down kid!" ..lol... so I'm not worried and I'm TRUSTING God and this baby, that it's gonna go where it's supposed to go when it's time... however... it'd be nice for it to settle head down cause I've learned by my own experience that breech baby contractions hurt... they are very uncomfortable. It's like I can tell that something's off, so it didn't surprise me to hear that baby is breech.

I don't like 3D ultrasounds very much, baby's face is distorted because of the umbilical cord being in it's face, which baby was caught sucking on... yum...  but if you notice, baby's big toe is touching it's forehead. 

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On a Christmas note: it was pointed out to me that the song Silent Night was originally in German.
 
"It was Dec. 24th ,1818 in a small Austrian village called Oberndorf, just hours before Christmas mass and pastor Joseph Mohr was in a bind. His musical plans for the evening church service were ruined since the organ of his church (St. Nicholas Kirche) had broken down recently due to a recent flooding of the nearby river. What could he do? In a moment of inspiration, he grabbed a Christmas poem he had written two years earlier and quickly set off to the neighbouring village, where his friend Franz Gruber, the church organist, lived.

It is believed that Franz Gruber was able to produce on that night in just a few short hours, the first version of the world renowned Christmas hymn “Stille Nacht”." (http://german.about.com/od/christmas/a/StilleNacht.htm)
The literal translation: 
"Silent night, holy night. All is sleeping, alone watches only the close, most holy couple.
Blessed boy in curly hair, sleep in heavenly peace!

Silent night, holy night. Shepherds just informed by the angels' hallelujah,
It rings out far and wide: Christ the Savior is here!

Silent night, holy night. Son of God, oh how laughs love out of Your divine mouth,
Because now the hour of salvation strikes for us. Christ, in Thy birth!"

I absolutely love reading lyrics to old hymns such as these, cause there is usually theological depth to it. Most songs, today, don't have a lot of depth to them, not that they are bad, but just not as artistic as they could be, especially one with talents that are God-given to write such poetry. This song, in particular, is so sweet and simple, describing this.... silent night of holiness. My, personal, break down version: 

While everyone sleeps, there is something so extreme happening. Something so life-altering.

While everyone sleeps, the attention of the heavens is upon this couple, bringing forth this Child, but not just any child, the Son of God. 

While everyone sleeps, the angels are illuminating the sky, and singing with heavenly voices that Christ the Savior is indeed here. I would've loved to see that.

While everyone sleeps, our Savior "laughs Love", sounds His voice, through human mouth, for the first time, beginning His journey of the greatest sacrifice. At this point, does He know and understand His destiny? 

While everyone sleeps, the hour of salvation is upon us, the pivotal moment where we now have a choice to make. Will we follow and believe that this is real? Will we believe that this Son of God, born this night, will save us? 

While everyone sleeps, will you awake to His whisper, His mouth close to your ear, as a lover is close, saying your name? 

Even while everyone sleeps?

I love the lyrics to Relient K's song "I Celebrate the Day" - 

" .. and I celebrate the day, that You were born to die, so I could one day pray for You to save my life."  

Sarah's Angel Day.... #5

Me and sleeping Sarah in my arms

wow..... I underestimated my emotions today. I'm chalking it up to being pregnant, which this would be my first time dealing with pregnant hormones and getting through this crappy weekend, but I'm having a more depressing time than I thought I would. Maybe it was always easier cause this day would land on another day other than a weekend day? Maybe cause no body is puking their guts up this year, which seems to be the case every year, gearing my mind away from the terrible memories?
For those of you who don't know, or possibly don't remember, Sarah died on the Sunday afternoon, the week before Christmas. So not only is the day December 17 ringing in my ears, but the motions of going through a Sunday afternoon with family after church, one week before Christmas, is equally, if not more, painful for me.
The hubs and I got into this small stupid argument and it was like knives to my heart, even though it was over something so ridiculous, that we would have normally ended up laughing at within 2 mins., especially since in my frustration, a whole heap of papers fell as I'm trying to find what we were looking for, which after all the papers fell, there laid the folder we were seeking. I found myself being completely stubborn in my irritation and anger, and plummeting into even more of a depression. Of course, later we mended, which made things better, but my stubbornness is really getting the better of me. I've ignored the phone today, cause I don't want to speak. I know.... kailan? not wanting to speak? Of course, I'll write, text, email, FB, whatever,... but speaking? There's nothing to say without crying.... do I feel like crying to people right now? Or having them hear my quivering voice? nope. I'm sure they know I'm crying anyway, so I ignore the everpresent ringing of the phone from all my family and friends that are trying to contact us on this "day of days"...

which I will add... Thank you, all of you... even the name on the caller ID means a lot to me, knowing that you are thinking of us and of our grief together over Sarah.

I can't help but think about the "loss" part of Sarah right now. My mind is consumed in my grief at the moment. I don't want to do anything, but of course, I have to. I look at my kids and can't help but think about that day. A day much like today, when we were so unaware of what was about to happen. How are whole world was about to change. How naive we were that "it could happen to us".

Is ignorance bliss? Is awareness a gift? I know the answers, truly, but can't seem to feel them right now. My ruthless attitude of stubbornness is making me defiant from seeking the Truth in that she is safe in His arms.

I'm waiting for that slow motion turning of my heart to let go of meditating on the pain.  

You know when people don't look you in the eye cause they are angry and you take their face and force them to look at you? I can't stand my face being touched in such a way. That's a quick way to get me to push away even farther. He knows I hate it when people do that more than anything. However, I can feel His fingertips on my chin, but He's not forcing me to move, I have to let Him. I have to do my part in letting His soft touch of His fingertips comfort me knowing He truly wants to look into my eyes cause He loves me.

Why do I have to be so stubborn?!

I'll get there..... probably after I'm done publishing this post, having that weight off of me. it helps.

Tesh's 18 mos. post op check up :)

.... AND I'm officially in my third trimester, that puts me at 28 weeks today! Woohoo.. so far so good. I have an ultra sound around the corner that'll hopefully ensure no cranio for this one! And we got to check on that placenta, which I'm optimistic about. :) Anywho,

Tesh: She turned 2 in October and her post op appt. (being 18 mos. post op) was yesterday.
      As we were driving out of town, it was so foggy, actually, it was foggy the whole day, but sitting in a car, the fog was ever present. I was taken back for a moment to the time when we drove away from the Cavanaugh house after Dad died when I was 16. It was foggy, much like this. As we coasted along the interstate, we saw these circular set of lights in the sky... We all gazed at them in question as to what they were. As we drew closer, we realized they were new street lights. :) We all had to laugh about it, even though it had been only hours after I gazed upon my Dad's lifeless body. That moment is etched in my memory, so as we drive past all those circular set of lights in the fog, I can't help myself but to be drawn back to the fresh air of the "new normal".
      I was very optimistic about this appt...... for once! I knew that Tesh was healthy, and that her head had been doing so well, so far, that why would it go wrong now? right? I tried to hold tight to this logic, going against my nature of pessimism.
We arrived to the hospital, ...late, of course.... and went straight to the Xray appt. first. I was saddened at the reality that I couldn't go with Tesh inside the xray room, for obvious pregnant reasons, so I had to keep her in her father's arms. Which I think she kind of preferred, since she's been attached to him lately... .. trader... :) I could hear her screaming, as I knew they were strapping her down, and... if you know Tesh.... you know that's a big "no no". She really doesn't like being here.

not happy :( Her lip is out and everything.

We got to the NS's office. Dr. M felt her head, and sat in silence.... for what seemed like forever, but it was probably about 20 seconds, in reality. Of course, this is plenty of time for me to think of a million questions, "what is he thinking?" " what is he gonna say to me?" "is he trying to find words to let me down gently?" "is it that bad?" "is it not that bad and he's not wanting to freak me out?" "He's freaking me out!" "SAY SOMETHING!!"
   Then he starts talking, with a smirk on his face. He explains that she'll always have these "soft spots", we don't need to be worried about her playing with having those soft spots, and he'll see us back in 2 years. What?! All that silence for that?.... well, I guess I'll take it. The weight melted off quickly as I realized what he was saying. I had to hear it still though, I asked, "So the xrays look good then?" He replies with a smile" Yes, they look very good. She is doing very well, especially for being only 18 mos. post op." Phew!!! What a relief, not only is she doing well, but better than well. I'll take that too!!

See the grey in the middle of the top of her skull? That's the "gel" bone still, not fused bone :)

Here's her lumpy profile. Forever lumpy... :)

 Then he starts small talk, which I thought was weird. Of all of a sudden, he's asking Isaiah where he's taking daddy to lunch. What neurosurgeon has time to have small talk like this? He must be having a good day himself... later it made us wonder if he sat in silence like that just to get a bit of a rise out of us, since it was such good news... you gotta think, that's probably the most entertainment he gets out of his job, since it's normally so serious. :)

University of Iowa Hospital Skywalk

     We left, Josh and I looking at eachother in relief, giving high fives....(yes, we do that still) and enjoying the rest of the day, knowing that at this moment everyone in our family is safe. ..... safe. What a wonderful feeling. One of those "heaven" moments. .....safe. No worries, enjoying life to it's fullest.... safe.

    





Of course, we stopped at Huhot.... Did you know there's a Huhot in Iowa City? We do!! It's on my top favorite restaurants list.

Isaiah took this picture. Me and Eve.

Eve, actually, took this one. She did very well!

Sisters lovin on eachother!

All of them lovin on eachother. This captures them perfectly.

Me and Eve being serious. Isaiah and Tesh being goofy.

Ok, fine! Let's all by goofy!!

Then, we stopped in the Amana's, which we love to do. Our normal places at the "The Chocolate Haus" and the wineries, trying different wines, and/or buying cheese and crackers.
       All in all, it was a great long day with great family time. The kids were really good during the whole thing. Yes, we cart all our kids around when we go to appt.s. It's actually really good for them. They like coming along and Isaiah learns so much and asks all these questions, stealing the hearts of every nurse he comes across. :)

If you've been following my blog at all, I'm sure you've read the stress around us. The family I talked about last post is still breathing through their "new normal".

Also, a very close friend of mine, recently had a miscarriage, that broke my heart. This was the very woman that fell to my feet when we lost Sarah, and now, I was holding her. It was her moment of brokenness and at first, she didn't want me around because of my belly (which I couldn't blame her although it broke my heart not to be able to be there for her) , but later, she allowed me to be there with her, she knew I loved her and that I knew her pain. She, too, is breathing....

This Saturday, December 17th, is Sarah's 5th "Angel Day". Missing her will never subside. 

I count my blessings. Oh, Lord, I count the blessings. Embracing Your plan can be so hard sometimes, but I am thankful for moments of Your peace and calm....
.....so for the Wings this Christmas, I am reminded that we are safe....

Breathing Through Another Tragedy

My husband and Josh scoping out their family farm. April '11

My husband is a youth pastor. Monday night, Nov. 21st, one of his students died. The student's name is Joshua Leo. Josh made a bad decision, experimenting with the high you get when one passes them self out. What he didn't know, is that it was going to end in a permanent fatal mistake. All this has broken all the hearts that knew Josh. It didn't make sense, it didn't seem fair, it crushed the hearts that were closest to him, it brought sorrow to anyone that heard of it.
Josh was a great kid. He was 13, and in 7th grade, which meant that he was just starting youth group this year, allowing us to get to know him better. He was a wild card with a permanent smile on his face. He had his hand in everything, from sports, to arts, to music, to volunteering, to destruction, to creation. ;) He loved so quickly and willingly. Everyone that knew him, loved him instantly. He was just one of those kids.

His death brought so many things to my husband and I. There were so many elements involved that made this situation extremely "stretching" for us.

There was a bit of history with this family. I will not post details, because that would be disrespectful of me, but I will tell you that there was a conflict that came about that separated us from Josh's parents. A conflict that had nothing to do with us, but effected us. In consequence, we hadn't spoken to the parents in months prior to Josh's death. But of course, even with this element, Josh still came to youth group to learn more and be in fellowship with other believers. What a grace-filled young man.

When we found out that Josh had died, our hearts were so heavy. We both cried so much, and were deeply grieved not only about Josh, but about the fact that we didn't feel that we could comfort this family with our own arms. We did not know if they would feel our hugs as if it were poison. So we waited, praying fervently for an open door. After a day of no answer, I decided I would plan to go see his mom, who, at one point, was my good friend, hoping that she'd remember my love for her. 2 days after hearing of Josh's death (the day I planned on going to see them), Josh's father called my husband, and through his tears, asked him to officiate his son's funeral. We both cried humbling tears, knowing that God had answered our prayers, and is allowing us to come and love on them. So my husband and I, together, went to see them.

I can't even explain the scene. If you've lost someone extremely close to you, you will already know the suffocating feeling of despair. If you haven't, then all my words would be just words.... for now.

Death like this can make a tall strong man crumble into his own lake of tears. Death like this can make a mother question the very nurturing woman that God intended her to be, raising doubt, if she even deserved her children. Death like this can make a sibling either step into a position that makes them the rock for this family or it can create an angry shell of guilt and confusion.

We spent time with the family on several occasions, hugging them, crying with them, listening to their stories, and one night, while reminiscing about birth stories and childhood stories, threw us into belly laughter that created the oasis before the harsh days ahead filled with services.

As my husband and I trotted along this whole situation, we, ourselves, were sent into roller coasters of emotion.  Not only were we humbled by reconciling with this family once again, we were honored to be a part of this family and to be a part of honoring Josh in this way. Not only were we grieving Josh, but we were grieving Sarah, my dad, and my cousins. Not only were we horrified for the family members that had to see Josh in the condition that he was when he died, but we were remembering the horror around the deaths that we experienced as well. I remember when Brad, my cousin, died, his wife had to bust down the door that was locked between them. Josh's brother had to bust down a board to get his brother down from where he was, so he could start CPR. We had to handle Sarah's body as we desperately tried to bring her back, this family handled Josh's body as they desperately tried to bring him back. There were similarities that we could understand, but could not imagine grieving the very loss that they specifically were feeling. Another element to all this was the fact that my husband has never officiated a funeral before. This would be his first. The only other experience he has, speaking at a funeral, was giving a sermon at our daughter's funeral.

The visitation was overwhelming. People stood in line for 2 hours, just to give their love to this family. At one point I asked the parents how they were doing. The mom started crying once again, and said, "I'm feeling so much love here." That warmed my heart, knowing that the body of Christ was at work. For 6 hours, they stood there, crying, and being embraced by all these people who cared for them.

The funeral was beautiful. The stories that were being told, were so nice to hear. Some were sad, lots were funny. There was this particular young boy that went up, with all his bravery. Cried, and told us how great of a kid Josh was, and that his parents did a great job raising their son. That meant the world to these parents. There was not one person that didn't mention Josh's persistent smile. My husband gave a good sermon, embracing the moment that Josh's parents and we wanted to soak up while this tragedy set into all the young hearts in the room. This was the road that God paved so we could reach these young naive hearts. He already had Josh's heart, now He was using him more than ever. Even someone's death can be used to arouse the living. That's the beauty of life in Christ. Josh does live because of the blood of Jesus. That is where our hope is, and that's the message that we want to spread. Because of Love, there is Life.

Being at the burial site, was hard. There was a part at the end, where we sat in silence, listening to my husband play his guitar quietly, and everyone gazed upon Josh's beautiful wooden box that held his cremated remains. His oldest sister passed around beautiful red roses to various people. Her coming towards me, I humbly received one, once again, feeling honored to be a part of such a fellowship.

Most of everyone left after a bit, leaving Mom and Dad, oldest daughter, my husband and I, and the funeral director. As the funeral director uncovered Josh's grave, his oldest sister handed his box to her mother. They set the box down into the ground. I'll never forget this moment. His mother, with one hand on her son's precious box with his remains inside, her face planted on the ground above, she wept great painful tears. Her husband, Josh's father crying with her, with his hand on her back, kneeling opposite her.

What a painful moment. What a beautiful moment. Pain, in all it's beauty, grief in all it's glory, oneness....

I watched them as they held each other, and I saw a piece of God. They were breathing......

 

Josh trying to get Tesh to accept a kiss from their lamb. April '11

I was taken back by my caption that I just posted under this picture. How fitting. Josh's life and death is being used by God to get His children to accept a kiss from His Lamb.

5 Month Ultra Sound. Start of Many?

I'm just giving everyone an update about 'what's going on with Kailan." :)

baby #5's profile while sucking on the base of it's hand.

I'm 5 months along, and watching my belly move! This pregnancy has been going very well, very uneventful, which is a good thing. I'm still tired all the time, but not really sick anymore. The hubby and I are still very excited  about doing this home birth and continue planning, having faith that all will be fine.
I had my ultra sound at 21 weeks to check on baby's development, and I'll be honest, there have been some new anxieties, but I'm trying to keep them at bay, cause I'm understanding they are not that big of a deal. One of the things we had to check on, during the ultra sound, was the placement of the placenta. If the placenta was planted over my scar from the previous c-section, then I would not be able to birth at home, possibly not be able to birth normally because of the high risks involved. We found the placenta is placed along my backside, so that was a blessing. It is also 2 cm away from my cervix. The tech said that the placenta needs to be 2 1/2-3 cm away from the cervix, in order to safely labor and deliver, but she assured me of the good chance that it "should" stretch up as my uterus stretches. ok.......  (kailan, please hear her say," it should stretch up" and hold onto that) Yes, I have to self-talk sometimes.
The good news so far about the head of this baby, is I saw with my own eyes OPEN SUTURES! Never in my life have I looked for openings in my babies heads in utero, but seeing those open sutures made me say it out loud, "Look! It's not a cranio baby!" The Tech agreed, but of course, had to interrupt my excitement with,  "But... we'll have to do another ultra sound later in your pregnancy to do a recheck on that head cause sometimes it's hard to tell this early and it'll be more definite."  (which I've been told, very rarely can you tell on ultra sounds if there is, indeed, fusion.) ...... (?)....... anywho, moving on.







This has been a rough couple of weeks for me, as I journey through this pregnancy, trying to hold my head up, dealing with all the chaos of life, but also being confronted with another's grief. Some dear friends of mine, lost their baby Gabe at 21 weeks gestation, I believe 4 years ago. As I sat with this mother, one recent morning, we were talking about Gabe and all the tragic events that took place surrounding his death. My heart hurt, knowing what it's like to lose a baby, but also because the baby inside of me at that moment was Gabe's age. The love I feel for this baby already overwhelms me, and to know that it was at this time that she lost her baby boy, broke my heart in many ways. I'm sad for them as they face certain milestones still, but also, empathy is dripping from me. What a blessing Gabe is, truly. These friends are in ministry with us, and the faith that they carry through the life and loss of their son Gabe is so honoring to God. I believe this about Sarah, as I believe it about Gabe, ... they did not need to live this long life in order to honor God, "they were made for worship". Define worship? True worship is completely giving ourselves over to our Creator. Gabe now dances with his King, no pain, no tears, pure joy.

Of course, it leaves us with pain, but this kind of pain never leaves us, always reminding us that life, here on earth, is but a vapor. We are His children, seeking His will, living His will as best we can, as bondservants, no matter how crippled our legs are, nothing will take us from our Father's hand.

Refreshing the old...

I have moved all my previous blog posts from sisteroflikeangels.blogspot.com over to this new address. thanks for your patience!

Yes.... HBAC :)

I'm 16 weeks today and starting to get my mini baby bump :) I get little kicks here and there from baby, which feels incredible, and pregnancy is going very well.

I'm giving a little update about a recent decision of ours, which I believe, is an experience worth blogging about. :) We have decided to attempt a Home Birth After Cesarean (HBAC). I know what most of you are thinking... "I'm crazy." BUT this was not a light-hearted decision. I've been doing so much research on VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) , reading, watching videos, talking with women that have had VBACs, talking with doulas that have witnessed VBACs, going to ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network?... that's close) meetings and after all that... have made this decision. I actually was sold before Josh.. and I had to wait for him to come around before making this decision cause there was no way in HEck- I was going to do this without his full support. So I practiced patience, which is not something I'm too good at, but I think I did pretty good.

We were nervous to tell the family what we were doing, but MUCH to our surprise, they are supporting us 100% and are excited with us. Praise God for that cause that doesn't happen very often that family supports home births in our culture and we consider ourselves blessed with the family we have.

I understand the risks....I've learned that it's NOT 2% risk of rupture with VBACs.. it's .5%!! Even more rare, AND the more natural you labor and deliver, the better the chance you have at a successful VBAC. What I have learned is when you induce, using interventions (breaking waters, pitocin, etc.), or use pain meds. that may slow down labor in order for certain interventions, essentially things that are making the uterus do what it's not truly ready for,  the risks for rupture are greater. So.. my attempt to go strictly "all natural" is the result of this information learned. I'm not scared of the pain, cause labor is and always will be hard work, but any nerves I do have are normal, praying that nothing happens to baby. (and that's at home or in the hospital, mind you, all 3 hospitals are right around the corner from our house)

I've always toyed with the idea of a home birth but thought it was out of my reach, thinking that I could never do it. I didn't have confidence in myself or my body. When the c-section happened, I thought my chances of ever doing a home birth were none. But as I've been thrusted into this world of c-section knowledge and people, I've been able to learn so much, realizing there's a lot of women that purposely do HBAC in a better attempt to successfully carry out their VBAC. I thought... "well this is baking my cake and eating it too!"(and yes, I do believe that happens sometimes in life)

Now the trick, finding a midwife that does VBACs at home... I found one... yes, one. The other home birth midwives feel VBACing at home is a little too much of a risk, but this particular midwife, believes in women's abilities to give birth, by trial, where ever they see fit. (of course, there are certain terms that she won't do births at home, but I'm not one of them :)  She's not extreme, she knows there's a time and a place for the hospital when it comes to complications or higher risk births, but she gives you the support, encouragement, and confidence it takes to deliver successfully at home if she really feels you are able. She has delivered many VBACs and I've talked to a few women who have VBACed with her.(I've talked with a woman who did a HBA2C with her) I'm confident she'll take good care of us.

The thing you have to remember and think about is that these home birth midwives.. because they are not at the hospital, are trained to notice complications early, probably earlier than an OB. (whose not even really present yet, until you start pushing) That's comforting to me.

I'm dreaming about this.. not being at the hospital idea...
I'm in my own clothes, in my own house, eating my own food (yes when I want to, even during labor), drinking whenever I want, being in my own big fluffy bed, being able to cuddle up to Josh whenever I want to, pushing my baby out sitting in a position that I want to, that might be against hospital policy, having my kids around to enjoy baby's arrival, holding my baby once he/she emerges from me, not having to give it up for  exams that they could very well do on my chest, having a calm, warm home environment (vs. cold hospital), while nice hearty stew is going in the crockpot while I labor so it's done when I'm good and hungry after baby's born, no vitals constantly through day and night for the following couple days, no being woken from precious sleep except for my new baby's cry.... I'm lovin this idea the more I think about it.

Now, of course, Kailan prepares for the "in case"... it's in the back of my head that I may still end up in the hospital if something starts to go wrong... but I'll keep that in the back of my head, where it belongs cause  after our 2 hour long conversation at our appt. this week with this midwife discussing her doing my home birth, she left me with...

"We are going to get through this in faith."  -Sheryl Puderbaugh

So Much to Say...

First of all, these anniversaries that we have just passed have put me in a whirlwind. I quickly chalk it up to being in my first trimester (which I'm just reaching out of) while dealing with all these emotions, but for some reason, it's hit me a little more about Dad's death anniversary.

Although September is my favorite month, hands down. It comes with all these bittersweets.

Sept. 2nd, my Dad has been gone for 11 years!! I can't believe it's been that long. I missed him more lately. It could be my hormones talking, but this pregnancy has brought fear and excitement to me with the VBAC decision. AND Tesh has been doing so well, and Sarah is still missed, and my babies are growing up and one can't help but see their family grow and know that Dad isn't here to experience it with us. I know... he can probably see us now.. but it's just not the same. He isn't here to hug me and hold me in his arms and bring reason to me. :) He isn't here to show my kids all there is to know about "THE GARAGE" especially during "A STORM"  I want my kids to know their Grandpa Joe and they only know him through my stories. It just makes me sad... I miss him.

Then there's my beautiful angel named Sarah. She would've been 5 on Sept. 7th.
5! I can't believe she'd be that old already. The baby that all I can see as a baby would've been 5... I would've started Kindergarten with her, and I would've brushed through her long blonde curls, looked in her bright blue eyes, telling her, as well as Evey, that they are such beautiful princesses.
Isaiah had been having these "sad moments" this year about Sarah. Asking more questions and fearing certain things. It seems the older he gets, the more aware he is about losing his little sister. It doesn't effect Eve as much, of course, but Isaiah.... I think a part of him remembers. 





And then there is Eve. My little "princess" that reminds me everyday that she is my princess. She will be 4 on Sept. 22nd. She is growing into this beautiful little lady.

And Tesh is doing so well. Her head is looking great, and she is smart! AND funny! She's a riot, always trying to make us laugh. And I've been so proud of her social bug coming out, after she lost it with the surgery, she's opening up to a few more people.... other than Mom and Dad. :)

This pregnancy has been going great! No more scares so far and I've been so encouraged by many women that I can accomplish this VBAC. I'm not saying it's 100%, cause there's always that chance, but I feel empowered, knowing that God has designed my body to take care of my baby and deliver this baby. I'm not nearly as scared as I was when I blogged last, thanks to the all the "ICAN" support. I'm doing things to encourage a healthy natural pregnancy and delivery, and am excited about it now. Of course, it helps that I'm not nearly as sick as I was before either. The sickness is lifting! and I can really enjoy my growing belly, which that's one of my favorite parts about being pregnant. :)

So there's my bittersweet month as I know it. Enjoy the pics of my kiddos and Sarah's 5th Birthday Celebration this year.

Watching the balloons go up!








Eating cupcakes :)






Grandma Lyn and Isaiah having a sad moment together.

Couldn't help but take a picture of these three sitting together on the bench.






Our goofy Tesh!







No one would ever know anything was ever wrong with her when she was a baby. She's been doing soooo well.

And Homeschooling continues on.....

Eve is doing some pre-school work,

while Isaiah works on his 1st grade writing.

Daddy's teaching science. He was explaining how, "We are like baking soda, and God's love is like the vinegar. When we have Jesus in our hearts and we show God's love, like our experiment, God's love grows for all the world to see."

They thought it was pretty cool :)

Pregnant with #5!!! Going for a VBAC?

ok, I thought it appropriate to blog about this journey because I'm wearing my SIDS parent stamp a little more these days and thought, "wow, another milestone I have yet to undergo." I'll explain.

We are pregnant with our 5th child. Yes, 4 living, but still 5th child all the same. I'm 2 months along and am making the decision to VBAC. Let me go back a little.

Our first 3 angels were born vaginally with very little drugs, very easy-going labors, nothing too complicated that didn't work itself out. I've never had the epidural, not because it's against my beliefs, although I believe we were made to survive the pain, but because I am TERRIFIED of that needle and that needle going into my spine. :) I have been tempted to get it, but never received it.

Our 4th angel, I was considering, during labor, names that meant "ornery". She never settled head down. I would start labor and it would stop cause she'd flip breech again. Which my body was responding very well, as it was protecting her. I finally went into a labor that refused to stop, she in process finally aligned but never dropped down. The midwife broke my water, thinking that would bring her down to where she was supposed to be. Much to her surprise, she lost her head and because they couldn't find her position, a c-section was ordered. The OB, while in surgery, found her transverse, and a couple months after she was born, she was diagnosed with Sagittal Synostosis (fusion of the sagittal suture), making that a reason as to why her head wouldn't form into the pelvic area for birth. Surgery corrected it, and now she's wonderful.

Our 5th time around, I'm strongly considering a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). Although we are very excited about this next baby, I am getting very nervous about how this is all going to play out. I was told that I was a perfect candidate for it and was told the risks involved. The OB said that I have a 90% chance of having a normal vaginal delivery. 10% chance of complications, which may involve intervention possibly including a "casual" c-section. (one that I have time to get a spinal block for) And I have a 1% chance of my uterus rupturing, which based on baby's heart rate and my blood loss, will delegate how fast they need to get baby out. (possibly emergency c-section where they knock you out completely) All this terrifies me. This situation I find myself in, is making me realize, there's a small, rare obvious chance, I could lose another baby. That thought makes me sick and I think, "What did I get myself into?" I didn't realize the weight of all of it until I'm hearing the OB explain to me,"I say to my patients, a ruptured uterus, when baby's heart rate starts to drop is like a baby at the bottom of a pool. If you get a baby out of the bottom of a pool in 3-4 min. that baby is likely to be just fine, in the end. You wait 10 min. 15, 20 min., then you have a fatal problem. If that baby's heart rate drops, I'll tell you, 'Kailan, we're giving you a c-section, I'll tell you about it when you wake up'." I'm listening to him, trying to be as rational as I can, and suffocating inside at the same time. It's good for me to know the truth, but honestly?! I'm supposed to stand on that, and shout to roof tops," I'll be ok!! Cause I'm in God's hands!!" no, I'm sorry, but to be perfectly honest, I'm too busy crying a liquid plea for God to spare me and this child.

you/OBs say, "well, kailan, there's only a 1% chance of your uterus rupturing. It's sooo rare" Have you read or heard my story?! I live on 1% chances. Let me enlighten you on my soapbox for a moment.

Let's go back;
I'm gonna claim it cause it's part of my life. Suicides. I've had 4 cousins commit suicide. I think that's a "rare" experience.
Colon Cancer. There's a 2.4% chance of dying of colon cancer before age 44. My dad was 39.
SIDS. There's less than 1% chance of having a SIDS baby. Sarah was taken by this.
Craniosynostosis. SAGITTAL (most common in cranio babies). less than 1% chance of babies being born with sagittal synostosis. Tesh had to have surgery on her head for this.
Try telling me that I "only" have a 1% chance of my uterus rupturing and that I'll probably be fine...... and me accept that..... now THAT'S rare....  (yes, I'm a pessimist by nature.... I'm working on it)

To go further, what are the chances that all these things happen to one person in their lifetime... I'm not that good at math and don't care to be. My point, I consider myself unlucky. In more "Christian" words.... "tried to the fullest". I guess that's a better way of putting it. It makes one want to get through it with head held high. sorry, I'm being a little shallow right now, it's ugly. But my nerves got the better of me a few days ago, thinking..."is it worth the risk? Should I go through with this VBAC? Should I schedule a c-section? What's the more riskier thing to do???"

Good news is my midwives get to care for me, just not labor with me. And although I've had a "threatened miscarriage" (my first ever) that's turning out to be a normal pregnancy so far, my spirits are as good as they can be. I've heard baby's heart beat, have felt baby move, have seen baby move on ultrasound. I'm ok..... for now.

Let's go deeper. My research tells me that the more natural I go, the chances of my having an uncomplicated labor are greater. yes, that includes VBACs. So, in attempt to get my confidence back for labor, for the first time I'm taking "Bradley classes" that will teach me everything to know about natural labor and delivery, and will teach Josh, as coach, to labor with me encouraging a natural process. I'm finding these Bradley classes very "christian" and I mean that in the most respectable sense, although I don't know if Dr. Bradley was a christian or not. God designed our bodies, our female bodies, to grow, labor, deliver, and nurse these babies without unnecessary drugs. I'm not saying that we are evil if we take drugs during labor. All first 3 babies of mine, I had a little IV drugs to get past the worst parts. But honestly, what did the world of women do before those drugs? They went ALL IN. I will say, however, I appreciate the medical capabilities of intervention when fatal complications arise. Tesh and I might not be here today if it weren't for the ability to do a c-section, cause babies aren't born transverse and who knows if her head would've gone through anyway. But again, it was my body (that God designed) protecting her, saying, "no, she can't go through there" It's just amazing to me, how God has designed women's bodies to take such a complex, detailed journey to bring forth more creations of His image.

Coming to these points over the last few days, I've decided that a VBAC is less risk for me and baby, then to repeat a c-section. A successful VBAC will allow a crucial natural process for baby's lungs to clear as he travels through the birth canal. It will allow my body a chance to heal properly from such an experience, and I'll be fully able to hold, nurse, and be attentive to my fresh baby right away. A c-section creates more of a risk as any surgery would, for infections, bleeding complications, and less successful future pregnancies and deliveries. It would create a chance of baby having infections from lungs having fluid in them, breathing problems... the list goes on. And another note: my chances of my uterus rupturing could happen anytime late in pregnancy, so the risk is there, regardless of what I decide.

Before I give my final thought, I want to encourage all the mommies that have made decisions to have a c-section over VBACing. I realize that everyone's situation is different and that we, as mothers, are only trying to make the best decision possible for our babies, and I would never want to take that from you.

So, with all that said, here's your window to watching me attempt a VBAC. I say attempt, cause there is, after all, that 1% chance that I'd need an emergency c-section. ;) But, with higher hopes, now that I've put it in it's correct perspective, instead of "kailan's soapbox" perspective, I'm feeling confident about the path I've chosen. Will I fall onto my soapbox again? possibly, but now that I've come to a better place about it, I'm more likely to be quickly reminded that this body is still God's design, no matter what has happened to it in the past. No matter my statistics. (which I hate statistics in the first place cause what God wills is what happens) And that God is sovereign and merciful.

Is my target that big?

I'm realizing how long it's been since I've blogged, which means that there's no health issues in the family, and we are very busy.

Josh and I have learned a lot in our ministry so far, and know we are going to keep learning more about the in's and out's of church leadership. I find it humorous that when we are around a group of pastors, their wives come to me with a predispositioned empathy of appreciation for "the pastor's wife", knowing exactly, the stress that we undergo for our men's positions. It amazing the trials we've been handed situationally, financially, and emotionally. Yes, we've been through great trials in our lives, but it feels as if the fire hydrant has been unleashed!  (yes, truly, as if it has legs and is chasing us around the neighborhood)

Everywhere we look, there's another test we must undertake or there's another situation that needs to be taken care of. I can list off 9 situations (in my head) that we are facing right now, that are... no wait... 10. that are needing our attention, that we are trying to get through, giving our best to conclude them as God wants us to.

Stressed much? ah..... yes. One of the situations being that I must drive my husband to (both) jobs, no matter what condition I'm in, or my kids. How does Kailan deal with stress? STAY HOME!! Has Kailan been able to do that? heck NO! Why is God making me do this when He knows that I feel I need this. ( I say "I feel" cause I get into trouble when I say that IS what I need.)

I'm an introvert, MAJOR. People don't know this about me as well, cause I hide it pretty well... most of the time. Situations, experiences, etc. have taught me how to be "Spirit-led" and move in ways I didn't think I could. But honestly? To stay home, and recharge in my own time, would be wonderful about now, and it IS coming soon. I hope. :)

Josh and I sometimes, look at eachother, and with longing, exhausted eyes, we say, "How are we doing this?" Is this what it's going to be like the whole time we are in ministry like this? If we knew this, would we have gotten into it anyway? By the grace of God, yes, and (taking a long breath) yes.

We feel honored to be suffocated by the world, because we are going against it. No one said honor was easy to uphold. In fact, we were warned about this.... target. We didn't fully understand when it was being said, well... because we have already had a target on our backs.... but I think ours is highlighted or something.

Anywho, all this to say. Please pray for our family, Josh, me, Isaiah, Eve, and Tesh. That we stay strong with only the strength that He can give. That we keep our focus on Him, and not what's coming at us in the world. That we be courageous in these storms that seemingly never subside before the next come.

I shout out a big Thank you to all our support at Crosspoint, the Pastor and family, the youth leaders, the worship band, and the parents of our teen students. Without all of you, we wouldn't be able to stand as strong as we have.    

There is absolutely nothing to report on Tesh, except the fact that she has a temper to match her uncle, and she's beautiful !!! She's healthy. Isaiah and Eve are doing well, and loving school. Isaiah is going to be just like his daddy! I'm excited about that. Eve.... well.... unfortunately... she's going to be a lot like me... I'd better start working on her now. lol.

May you come to understand there is a target on your back as well, and satan would love nothing more than to devour you. May you be wise enough to see through that deception, and keep your relationship with your King, close.