Overwhelmed Out Loud

Yesterday was heavy.

Ever have one of those days when everything seems to go down all at once? There were so many tears yesterday. Some I watched fall from others, some of my own, contributed. So many fears expressed in words that won't leave my head. So much spiritual warfare because you know that you're doing something right.

I'm sad to say it left me feeling like a zombie. I didn't even know how to express myself properly. I felt helpless to others, but also helpless to myself. I was so overwhelmed with grief for those close around me, remembering my own. The last 2 days, my 2 year old kept putting rubber bands on her wrists and her hands would turn blue. That made me flash back to some of the most traumatic memories in my whole life. I was crying and shaking with fear, trying to rip them off her hands. The images kept replaying over and over of how I found Sarah. I compare this best to PTSD.  I went from sitting there silent mulling over it, to crying my eyes out.

I was in such despair about the heartache of this world, that I must confess I didn't even want to read scripture. Any amount of spiritual words I was convinced would not help these present situations. The scriptures wouldn't make it so someone doesn't die, or that someone might not suffer.

I don't know if any of this is making sense. Maybe it'll only make sense to those that have had these very situations happen.

I have a very close friend that kept encouraging me to read "out loud" scripture (through a message she sent me, of course, I didn't want to actually be around anyone that day). She pointed me to the Psalms. I was in such a frozen and weak state that I didn't want to get up to fetch the very book full of Psalm. In jest, I said to myself (almost with contempt), "Well, I only know one by heart out of the Psalms and that's gonna have to be good enough for now!" So I continued out of obedience to my own conscience, "out loud." (because you can only fight spiritual warfare out loud)  So the words flowed out of my mouth,

"When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I. " Psalm 61:2

As soon as I said it, I realized that was going to be enough for now because that's all I had the energy for and it was perfect for what I sought.

The day dragged on, but when my husband got home, I instantly rested my head on his chest and he held me so willingly. I explained to him everything that was going on and confessed my attitude about the scriptures. He said, "Kailan, the scriptures don't change the situation that you're in, they change your heart. It changes the perspective on how you look at the situation."

I missed that step.

I woke up this morning feeling much lighter. Fresh day for continued healing.