The Great Awaited Event

ok, these pictures are just a joke. I was probably somewhere around 5 cm when these were taken. You gotta have some fun while you're in labor, right?




Here's a more serious one, during a contraction.










Well, as soon as I was able to get off the drugs to stop labor, I went into labor... the day I turned 36 weeks. I had told everyone in the room, prior to my labor, that I wanted everyone out 30 min. after Eve was born, cause I didn't know how I was going to react. I figured being alone with Joshua and Eve, that that would enable me to cry as much as I wanted to, if need be, without everyone watching me, as they all were so intently doing. They respected my wishes all the same. Being in hard labor was rough, cause a part of me, didn't want her to be born just yet. I was scared. And then, of course, my body is saying, "Get this thing out of me!" It was out of my control, this was it, SHE was going to be born, and I still didn't have the answers to my questions.

Am I going to love her as much? Is she going to look like Sarah? Is that going to be a problem? What if she doesn't look like her? Is that going to be a problem? Will I ever sleep again? Will I breathe? Am I going to be able to even touch her? Or will I ever be able to put her down? I was all over the place. Because of my anxiety, my midwives suggested an anti-anxiety pill. Because I was so early, I didn't want to take it while I was pregnant, making sure that Eve's lack of lung development had nothing to do with something I had done. So we made an agreement to start it the day I had her, cause I didn't want to put her in danger of my emotions, if I couldn't control them.

It was time to push, after a good hard labor, it was time to meet the person that I feared. 3 min. of pushing brought forth this head that was covered in hair. (Isaiah and Sarah were both bald.) Everybody exclaimed how much hair she had before I could see, cause her body still had to emerge. One more push, and...... (I'm crying)
there she was, hoisted up onto my chest, was this beautiful little girl. There she is...... she doesn't seem so scary, I thought. Her hair! Where on earth did she come from? Her lips! So red and puckery. She was beautiful. Her nose..... that's Sarah's.... only Eve didn't have the humangioma on it. She was not Sarah. She looked like Sarah's sister....... they way she was supposed to be. They way she is... she is Sarah's sister. I took a deep breathe, cried, of course, I realized I could breathe. I realized I'm looking at a beautiful baby that God has allowed me to have, that she is truly a gift and nothing less. Just like I had to accept my Dad looking from heaven at all my blessings, I finally was able to start to accept the same with my Sarah.

Every one left as promised after 30 minutes. It was me, my husband and our new baby girl. We pointed out the things that looked like Sarah and Isaiah, and then the things that looked like just Eve. I was ok. I was at peace with everything happening. I can't explain it. God and only God, had given me the peace that surpassed my understanding, because I knew He would. I felt myself love this person I was afraid of. I felt myself adoring a little girl that was meant to be adored.... my third child... my second daughter. I felt so familiar to me, .... this love. I realized I love her like I love the others. This first moment was just as special to me as the others were, once she was in my arms. It became real to me, that she was another human being that God has trusted me with. Before I had her, I was scared to nurse her, thinking I'd fall apart. I was excited to nurse again. I realized that I had been really waiting to nurse again. She was a beautiful nurser. I cried happy tears. I thought of Sarah, and I missed her, but that wretching pain was lessened now that my arms were no longer empty.

Thank you God. Thank you, my Lord. You have filled my arms once again. Thank you.

I had taken my anti-anxiety pill, the nurse gave me, not knowing why I did. It was over, my anxiety was over. I took it for a few days and then stopped. I didn't need it. I had God's peace. I had another little one to take care of. And my healing was truly beginning. I was able to breathe a little easier, for the first time. I was reminded that there was truly life after death. I let everyone back into my life. Everyone celebrated with me. I was not left out.

I do remember one more fear that I had in my heart. That even though it was impossible for me to forget Sarah, that everyone else would forget. I feared that others would let Eve cover Sarah's memory. That they would just talk about Eve, and not ever mention Sarah. I made it a point to talk about Sarah often, so everyone knew that Sarah was still a part of our lives. Especially with Isaiah, which it's amazing cause he rarely gets the two mixed up, when we look at pictures. He knows exactly who is who.
She is still a part of our family. Her name is Sarah Layne Wing. and she will always be. And she too, is celebrating with me at the birth of her new little sister, Eve Nicole Wing, as the whole family is. It turned into the celebration that it was supposed to be.
I thank God for each of my children because they are all each great blessings in my life. I wouldn't trade any of them for anything. Which is what a mom should feel. I felt like a good mom again. And that felt good. (more tears) :)

The big question,"Why People Get Divorced After Losing A Child?"

I have neglected this part of my story, because I was so focused on my story about Sarah that I didn't realize that I was leaving out one of the most important aspects of grieving. Which is ironic, because that's the start of answering a question like this. Neglecting the priority relationship. Let me let you in on Josh and I's relationship to help you better understand what we go through.

Josh and I made people sick:) in a good way. We were highschool sweethearts that married eachother. We were in ministry bands together, that enabled us to share our time together ministering to the youth. We've been involved in youth groups together. The only thing we did not do together was work. Other than that, we were attached at the hip. We "waited" for eachother, which was a big blessing in our relationship, that few today get to experience. Yes, we had our normal marital fights and issues, but we were unbeatable with eachother. We were quick to forgive. We learned so much from eachother. I could say that it probably took us that four years to be able to fight well. You know, arguing appropriately, as to NOT sever the head of the other, just for the fun of it, just because you can. I helped my flighty husband to get a little more organized and he helped his anal stubborn wife to calm down and enjoy the things in front of me. I loved to be submissive, and he respected my opinion. I'm not saying that we nailed it, but we were in a good direction. We would go to marital seminars, even though there were no real issues with us, we were always quick to go to keep learning about how to make our marriage stronger. We were also taking classes called, "Growing Kids God's Way" by the Ezzo's. Learning about the priority relationship of our marriage made us even stronger. Through that, we had couples to look up to, who encouraged us to strengthen our marriage even more. We kept that lovey dovey highschool feel to our relationship cause we loved feeling that way. Even with Isaiah coming and born, we felt like these youngens havin babes. Which made life all the more exciting. Nothing was nonchalant with us.
We were very equipped to take on what life has to throw at us, we just weren't expecting the worst thing. When Sarah died, we felt whip lashed. One of the main couples that we looked up to, were the very ones to pray over us at the hospital, that we do not separate over this. I remember Josh told me in my ear, "we are NOT separating over this." I nodded my head, and planted it right in his chest.
Instantly, when we got to mom's house to stay for the week, there were issues. I wanted to be away from the crowd, while he wanted to be in the crowd. That was how we grieved. They say opposites attract. It's true. Our temperaments are opposite and with that comes different ways of grieving. I was becoming a different person very subtly and so was he. We grew distant when it came to our "inner world" but we kept pushing ourselves to talk through it. Which we did, cause everyone knows, "Communication is the Key." It was only a couple months out that I realized that I felt alone, somewhat like a widow, life I lost both my child and my husband and that it was just me and Isaiah. I'm a very observant person, so when I felt like that, I instantly went to my husband, who was very much alive. We talked it through and realized that we feel like this cause we barely know eachother anymore.
We were so busy grieving our daughter, that we became unaware of a bigger issue. My arms became empty when Sarah died, but what added to my grief was the absence of my second half. My heart was broken in so many different ways. My head was so clouded with grief that it took the Spirit to point it out to me.

(the Big answer)
I realized that not only am I grieving Sarah, I was grieving the way things used to be. I was grieving the old me, the old Josh, the old life, the old marriage. My head was swimming with loss. I wanted my life back, but it doesn't work that way. So Josh and I had to make a decision. To let it get so bad that we separate, OR be proactive, before it gets bad, and push back toward God and eachother. Love and sacrifice and commitment.

Marriage is work. Marriage can be like labor, but it's all for a sweeter outcome. We pulled out our "equipment" and started in.
It's been over two years, and we are still working things out. But our "toil is not in vain." We will overcome this, because He has already. This was our tribulation, and I'm sure there is more to come, but He has overcome the world. Sarah is safe. Our marriage is stronger than ever. We are learning eachother again, and it is beautiful. There are beautiful things about us that never came to surface until lately. We still see some old things peeking back because God is good.
Because I remained faithful, I still adore my husband. I am proud to be his wife. We still go to whatever marriage seminars there are, and we keep learning cause we know we will need it. This whole situation has aged us. We both have said, we feel like 60 year olds in 25 year old's bodies. But we feel honored. Through Christ, we have prevailed that hardest thing that a couple could go through. We know for sure, that NOTHING will stop us now. God saw fit to have us go through this, but He knew we could get through it. He entrusted us with this. He gave us this blessing cause He knew we'd live to tell about it. I've never felt closer to God or to my husband. Life will always hurt, but my soul still dances.