Full Sized Preemie??

Ahhh.... why do I ever think that I'll ever have a normal baby again? Isaiah was my only "normal" infant. He nursed, he slept, he grew, and was perfect. He was only 3 days early, and his birth weight was 6lbs. 12oz.

Sarah was normal and gained weight better than Isaiah, but then we lost her to SIDS. and that was one of the most confusing parts about it. Her birth weight was 6 lbs. 6 oz.

Eve was born a whole month early, and came out nursing well, but had premature apnea. That was terrifying. Her birth weight was 6lb. 12 oz.  (full sized preemie)

Tesh.... lol..... She was the worst of them all. Failure to thrive, MSPI, dysphagia, craniosynostosis (yes I can still spell that correctly) Her birth weight was 6 lbs. 6 oz. (full sized preemie)

Naomi, Birth weight 6 lbs. 4oz. And now weighs 5lbs. 5oz. and we haven't been able to get her to go back up yet. I'm already hearing the words, "She's nursing like a preemie" from my midwife. Good thing I kept all my "gear" from Tesh's issues cause it's all coming back out. 

I'm looking at this situation as a whole, and thinking.... "my body only allows my babies to be a certain size.... whether they are ready or not." It makes me want to fire my body. That's right. Be done having babies. It breaks my heart, but to keep doing this? having these babies that need preemie attention? and it's getting very difficult having babies like this, with all the kids I've stocked up. lol

It's weird because it was like Sarah was more this event, this pivotal time where life was way less complicated (within our small family unit), and then after she died, it was like, "full speed ahead" and it hasn't stopped.

I'm not complaining too much about Naomi's issues, I know they are small. She is still alive and these issues will resolve with lots of hard work (tired sigh) but there's this instant "defeated" feeling, as a mom, as a baby making vessel.

I find myself asking God, "Why am I doing this again?" "What is the lesson in all this?" "Have I not persevered enough?" "Have I not served You well enough?" "What shall I learn to make this situation go away?" "How long this time?" "Is it in Your plan for us to have rest?"

Then I come around... and think about all the people we've been able to reach, or help, because of all the chaos we've been through. Most of you know this, but my husband is a Youth Pastor, some day aspiring to plant a church.

hmmmmm..... that might be why. Being in the ministry has it's challenges all by itself. But it's our survival through these things, that's made our ministry strong and relational.

Why am I doing this again? cause He trusts me.
What is the lesson in all this? patience, endurance, hope, etc....
Have I not persevered enough? my guess is, "no"
Have I not served You well enough? that's why He trusts me... my guess
What shall I learn to make this situation go away? lol.... yep
How long this time? As long as it takes for me to make His child healthy and ready for His ministry.
Is it in Your plan for us to have rest? He does.... I'm just complaining.

Why am I doing this again? cause He trusts me.

Moment of Utter Weakness

The first picture is of Sarah, the second is of Eve. You can see the similarities and the differences. They are the same age here. As 3 months and 10 days approached, I held my breath a little. I was comforted only by the fact that it was slim to none that I would actually lose her on the same day. I used my logic against my anxiety. But being at that 3 months and 10 days point wasn't the hard thing, the hard thing was seeing passed it. All these SIDS parents would say that they would start breathing again once their subsequent babies got passed the age of their lost one. And that's all they would say. I don't recall talking too much about the after math, so I'm not sure I foresaw the issue that would lie ahead.

It was disturbing to me that an older sister would be in fact, younger than her little sister. It's a battle I will always face. I try to dwell on what age she would be, but it's hard not having the experience of her as an older child. So from that day on, with my second daughter, everything was a new experience. Things that I should've had with Sarah, are only with Eve now. It was like it was rubbed in my face all over again, that I indeed lost my first daughter, that she is gone, and she will not return. I began to lose it, when I was living those days passed Sarah, with Eve. I wanted the time to stop, but of course nothing will stop the sun from rising and setting. In the Bible, God made the sun stay up for an extra time period all because a battle had to be won, (if I remember right) so me thinking He would do the same for me all because of my selfish wants, I knew the answer would be no. So in my heart I made the sun stay a little longer by salvaging every moment with Eve at this age. I held her, knowing that Sarah, was this size when I lost her.

Still I couldn't help but fall back into a depression. Satan was attacking me from all angles. I became so foggy with depression that I felt I couldn't fully observe my children's needs or my husband's. I began pushing people away again. I realized that I had been a horrible friend cause I couldn't care what was going on in there life. I have a very prohibitive conscience, so nothing anyone could say could take away my guilt from that thought. I had to fight for my priorities; my husband and my children. I remember calling my Uncle Ed, who is a grief counselor, to talk to him about getting some counseling, cause I was falling fast. He got me hooked up with a counselor. I started talking about my whole life to her. All the death that I have experienced, but all that faith I have as well. I think it more helped me to verbally stand my ground with my faith. Just to say, "I know God is with me. I believe God is here. Jesus has saved me by His blood. " thinking about my faith in all that I have been through, gave me a peace about my situation. I had quit going to her after a few sessions cause anyone who knows me knows I have a hard time sticking with counseling. But I remember the last thing that she told me. She said to me as I was walking out the door, for the last time, "Kailan, I think it's going to be your faith that is going to get you through this. " I replied in agreement and left.

The time passing between the 3 months and 10 days mark till nearing the end of my break down was 3 months. My Evey was getting to be 6 months. She, of course, en light of my depression was still on the apnea monitor. I knew I had to let it go at some point, but I couldn't bring myself to actually doing it. I was trying to take control of Evey's life, and that's not where it belonged.

I was talking to Josh in desperate tears about my craziness, it felt like. I became hypersensitive to everything, and I was driving myself mad. He told me this.... He wanted me to go down to our room, alone, with a sheet of paper, pen, and my Bible. He wanted me to write a list down of people I was still bitter with and people or things that I was not letting God take control of. And then he wanted me to pray about them, and forgive these people, once and for all, and tell God that I give control of those people or things that I had written down. He said if I couldn't think of anyone or anything, to just simply ask God to reveal it to me.
I went down there, sat on my bed and started writing. I filled 2 pages up with people and things. I couldn't believe how much bitterness I had in my heart, and so I started praying about these people, and then I got to the things that I was trying to take control over. I got through my list and stopped at a 2 word object, and I couldn't even say it, not even in a prayer that was between me and God. I cried so hard before I could even look up again. I remember saying, out loud, "BUT I CAN'T!!..... I can't...." I cried long and hard before I continued.. then finally I said it....

"Lord, I give you control...... help me with this apnea monitor..." I had realized then and there, it was like God was showing me something right in front of my face, that I had in fact held this apnea monitor as an idol of protecting my daughter's life. At first it was a mere safety issue and knowing that she was in fact breathing, but it became so much more than that to me. It was like I felt, as soon as I turned it off, she was going to stop breathing or something. As if it were her life-support. Like, it I disconnected it from her, that I would be disconnecting her from life. I didn't even realize I was doing that through all my depression. I finished my prayer by asking God to give me the strength to let go of the apnea monitor.

Now anyone who truly knows me, says I'm a stubborn girl. My Dad would more times, than not, call it strong-willed. He showed me it was a gift. And how to use it? It was taken me many years and will take more years to come. But, I knew what I had to do, and that I had to do it NOW.

It was night time, so 6 month old Eve was sleeping so peacefully. I knew I had to practice first-time obediance and nothing would stop me. So..... I went into her room, I stood over her crib, and pushed those buttons just right to turn that apnea monitor off. There were cords that I had to disconnect, that were attached to her, so I pulled off the first cord, then the second, being careful not to wake her. I put the monitor away from her, and it was like time stood still. I can remember the site of it, to this day. I cried instantly watching my baby breathe with my own eyes. She looked like a normal baby now, with no cords or anything. Just sleeping peacefully as she should. I went upstairs to proclaim my victory to my husband, I told him it was over. He was very surprized at what I had done, but also very proud.

It still took some time to heal from all that experience, just like it will be for the rest of my life, to live without Sarah on this earth, but truly I tell you, the healing can't begin unless you give up all control. You can want to heal all you want, but it won't happen until you obey fully. Submitting all the control to the One whom it belongs to. So if you feel you are not healing like you believe you should, because you are praying and reading and trying to do good. Maybe what you are missing is the first commandment. "I am the Lord, your God. You shall have no other gods before Me. " That first commandment speaks volumes of first-time obediance, giving up control, and just knowing that He indeed, is our Lord and God, whom we serve. And that He is God who is in control no matter what we do, He just desires for us to ride along with Him.

Test Around the Corner

5 day old Eve, was admitted back into the hospital.... for apnea. We went home with the apnea monitor, enlight of Sarah's death. I knew it would help me be more at peace KNOWING that she is indeed breathing and her heart is beating, even when I sleep. It had it's false alarms which we were warned about. We knew it was a false alarm if it only beeped at us about 3 or 4 times and then stopped on it's own, without us having to do anything. But there was one time, where it kept going. I stood over Eve to see if she was still breathing. She was so little, I couldn't tell, but I also panicked a little, so I quickly rubbed her belly to wake her. She took a big breath which turned the monitor off. I didn't like that. So I told the Ped. about it at our appt. that day. She had it downloaded to look at the activity. She called us later that night, telling us to go to the hospital to get her checked out because there was indeed 2 apnea episodes on that monitor. Eve was also jaundice so we were admitted at Blank's with all these monitors on her, and a Bili light.
Eve was so stressed being there, so I knew that the best thing I could do was to be that stress reliever and be as calm as I could. They did all these tests. My poor baby was poked and prodded. The doctors were taking every precautionary because of the fact that we had already lost one. They were wonderful with us, giving us straight facts, even if it was "we don't know" and I was ok with that, to an extent, because I knew, by experience, they were doing all they could. She had some abnormal blood work, which they tried to chase down.
The one good thing about her apnea was her body was keeping up with it. While she wasn't breathing, her heart would stay strong, and that was a good sign that nothing too serious was going on.
I can't express the peace that came over me. Physically, I was exhausted. I just gave birth to this baby a week ago, I had a little bit of stitches. I was still having to take care of myself, in that form. I was going through my engorgement with nursing, which seemed to be a little better than with the last two babies, so I was thankful. My body was on it's last legs.

BUT, emotionally/mentally, I had a peace, I can't explain. Coming 10 months out from losing Sarah, I knew I had no control over anything. I would not be the one to keep Eve here. But I think I heard that still small voice in my heart, saying, "She will be ok.... I'm right here.... I am with you.... do not fear.... she will live.... like you hold your baby, I am holding you.... enjoy her today..."

I remember one of the doctors asking me so sweet, in a careful, loving manner, " Do you know .... that this apnea monitor... will not save her from SIDS? Do you know that?"
I told her, "Yes, I do know that. I know there is nothing that will stop SIDS."
She replied, " Ok, I just wanted to make sure, that you knew that." and she hugged me.

Even though that conversation would've put any mother on edge, I actually felt proud of myself, like I had my head on straight, and I just proved it. I was ready, by the grace of God, to logically think things through. To have that voice of reason inside my head even though I'm a "SIDS Parent" I felt like a normal mom. All because I put things in their place. In God's hands.

After a week in the hospital, we had an option to go home or to stay another week for more observation...... We went home. We took up where we left off, getting to know our new daughter, continuing with our healing of losing Sarah, and allowing our 3 year old son to get used to having another sister in the house.
Once Eve caught up to her 40 week gestation age, her apnea was gone. It was declared premature apnea, for she was a whole month early, and that, I guess is typical. Her abnormal blood work was chased down for the next 8 months, by the Iowa City Hospital, just to finally normalize with age. There were other premature things going on with Eve, like her eyesight and certain muscles in her arms, that eventually, with time, got better. She is a sickly thing, still to this day, but all in all, she IS living. She is here and she is our little Diva, we call her. And we love her for it. She won't let anyone push her around, and she'll be my little artist.

There were moments that week that I had to cry, but that made it all the more beautiful. To cry is not a moment of weakness, it is a window of expressing what is in your heart, being real. And that is always beautiful. I will always have those moments locked away in my heart because of it.

I just had a thought. ..... you think God cries?... He must.... . Even though Eve was going through this stressful time, being poked and prodded and constantly woken up by nurses and doctors just to poke her again. She still found refuge in my calm arms. Only Mom could calm her by simply holding her. Only Mom could nurse her, the best milk. Only Mom knew what she needed when she cried. She could only rely on that one person. I know we are only human, and none of us our perfect moms, but God IS. In only God, can we find true refuge. In only God can we be calmed by his arms. Only God can give us the living water. Only God knows what we need when tears come rolling down our cheeks. Only God. Babies have nothing to do but to submit to their caregivers. They do not get dressed unless we dress them. They do not eat unless we feed them. They do not become clean unless WE clean them. When a little one learns to walk, it is because that special someone has their hands in theirs, and they are leading them.
I love this one song, by Relient K called, "Give Until There's Nothing Left" ... the second verse goes....

" No one told me how bad I need You, but I somehow arrived on that conclusion all by myself. And I want all You have to offer, so I'll offer myself and I'll just give until there's nothing left."

The Great Awaited Event

ok, these pictures are just a joke. I was probably somewhere around 5 cm when these were taken. You gotta have some fun while you're in labor, right?




Here's a more serious one, during a contraction.










Well, as soon as I was able to get off the drugs to stop labor, I went into labor... the day I turned 36 weeks. I had told everyone in the room, prior to my labor, that I wanted everyone out 30 min. after Eve was born, cause I didn't know how I was going to react. I figured being alone with Joshua and Eve, that that would enable me to cry as much as I wanted to, if need be, without everyone watching me, as they all were so intently doing. They respected my wishes all the same. Being in hard labor was rough, cause a part of me, didn't want her to be born just yet. I was scared. And then, of course, my body is saying, "Get this thing out of me!" It was out of my control, this was it, SHE was going to be born, and I still didn't have the answers to my questions.

Am I going to love her as much? Is she going to look like Sarah? Is that going to be a problem? What if she doesn't look like her? Is that going to be a problem? Will I ever sleep again? Will I breathe? Am I going to be able to even touch her? Or will I ever be able to put her down? I was all over the place. Because of my anxiety, my midwives suggested an anti-anxiety pill. Because I was so early, I didn't want to take it while I was pregnant, making sure that Eve's lack of lung development had nothing to do with something I had done. So we made an agreement to start it the day I had her, cause I didn't want to put her in danger of my emotions, if I couldn't control them.

It was time to push, after a good hard labor, it was time to meet the person that I feared. 3 min. of pushing brought forth this head that was covered in hair. (Isaiah and Sarah were both bald.) Everybody exclaimed how much hair she had before I could see, cause her body still had to emerge. One more push, and...... (I'm crying)
there she was, hoisted up onto my chest, was this beautiful little girl. There she is...... she doesn't seem so scary, I thought. Her hair! Where on earth did she come from? Her lips! So red and puckery. She was beautiful. Her nose..... that's Sarah's.... only Eve didn't have the humangioma on it. She was not Sarah. She looked like Sarah's sister....... they way she was supposed to be. They way she is... she is Sarah's sister. I took a deep breathe, cried, of course, I realized I could breathe. I realized I'm looking at a beautiful baby that God has allowed me to have, that she is truly a gift and nothing less. Just like I had to accept my Dad looking from heaven at all my blessings, I finally was able to start to accept the same with my Sarah.

Every one left as promised after 30 minutes. It was me, my husband and our new baby girl. We pointed out the things that looked like Sarah and Isaiah, and then the things that looked like just Eve. I was ok. I was at peace with everything happening. I can't explain it. God and only God, had given me the peace that surpassed my understanding, because I knew He would. I felt myself love this person I was afraid of. I felt myself adoring a little girl that was meant to be adored.... my third child... my second daughter. I felt so familiar to me, .... this love. I realized I love her like I love the others. This first moment was just as special to me as the others were, once she was in my arms. It became real to me, that she was another human being that God has trusted me with. Before I had her, I was scared to nurse her, thinking I'd fall apart. I was excited to nurse again. I realized that I had been really waiting to nurse again. She was a beautiful nurser. I cried happy tears. I thought of Sarah, and I missed her, but that wretching pain was lessened now that my arms were no longer empty.

Thank you God. Thank you, my Lord. You have filled my arms once again. Thank you.

I had taken my anti-anxiety pill, the nurse gave me, not knowing why I did. It was over, my anxiety was over. I took it for a few days and then stopped. I didn't need it. I had God's peace. I had another little one to take care of. And my healing was truly beginning. I was able to breathe a little easier, for the first time. I was reminded that there was truly life after death. I let everyone back into my life. Everyone celebrated with me. I was not left out.

I do remember one more fear that I had in my heart. That even though it was impossible for me to forget Sarah, that everyone else would forget. I feared that others would let Eve cover Sarah's memory. That they would just talk about Eve, and not ever mention Sarah. I made it a point to talk about Sarah often, so everyone knew that Sarah was still a part of our lives. Especially with Isaiah, which it's amazing cause he rarely gets the two mixed up, when we look at pictures. He knows exactly who is who.
She is still a part of our family. Her name is Sarah Layne Wing. and she will always be. And she too, is celebrating with me at the birth of her new little sister, Eve Nicole Wing, as the whole family is. It turned into the celebration that it was supposed to be.
I thank God for each of my children because they are all each great blessings in my life. I wouldn't trade any of them for anything. Which is what a mom should feel. I felt like a good mom again. And that felt good. (more tears) :)

Bed Rest

Oh, bed rest. It actually wasn't so bad at first, but with the medicine, and Isaiah acting up, that part was hard. Isaiah turned into those "Nanny 911" kids, and my mom can vouch for that. This picture is a good moment though. We have our "babies" in our bellies. (yes, Isaiah, put another one in my shirt, as he did his) The medicine mad me jittery and it was hard to sleep. I was nervous in the hospital. I believe I was only there overnight. My doctors and midwives were with me and letting me know that things look good. I remember one of the midwives, Susan, came to see me and gave me this deep hug, cause she knew my desperation of not wanting to do this, deliver a pre-mature infant, watching her fight for her life, not knowing for sure if she will be ok. But the doctor's ensured me that my chances for a healthy baby in the end are very good, after all I was 33 weeks, and was just looking at some good time in the NICU if I did deliver. I went to the hospital one other time also, about 5 or 6 days later, cause the medicine stopped working. Then they put me on different medicine. I'm more of a naturalist so you can imagine how terribly fond I was of all the medicine being put into my body, and then into my baby. Not a happy camper.

We talked with a NICU nurse, to prepare ourselves for the possibilities of delivering early. She was very nice. We were able to share our story to her. We learned that she was grieving a son who had passes away at an older age. She told us she needed to hear our story, and to see us, that we had peace enough to say, "God is still good." gave her that sense of fellowship that one has when surrounded my "family" that are like-minded. Sharing eachother's loads.... (there is always a reason for everything:)

I remember feeling sick every time we had to go to the hospital, thinking "this is it!" and still being scared to death of having an infant again. I felt shameful for thinking such things. But we'd go home empty handed. I remember on time, we went home before midnight, and Isaiah was staying over at Brandy's and they were just going to keep him overnight. I was having such a hard time being without him, and I never had been overnight without him after Sarah's passing... until this occasion. I remember crying so hysterically, sitting in the car still, in the driveway, back home. and Isaiah was gone. I don't know what came over me. I felt childless, altogether. No Sarah, No Isaiah, No baby Eve. My hands were completely empty. I begged Josh at midnight in that driveway to go to (25 min. away) Colfax, and bring him back home. I'm sure Brandy was a little confused at this, but everyone, I'm sure, didn't even try to lift a finger to me for that. They could appreciate it, I think. But I didn't care. I went into the house, to get back on my couch, while Josh picked up that little sleeping boy of ours. When he came back, I held my big 2 1/2 year old, like a baby. and cried some more, but took a deep breath of relief, that this was my proof that I was not childless. I still had my son. I wept bitter tears for Sarah once again, guilty tears for Eve, and relieved tears for Isaiah. I was a mess.
At this point my Jesus was the only one who could consol me. As I laid my head on my pillow, I imagined it was His chest. (that process was very familiar to me)

Pushing Everyone Away

I remember the bigger I got, and the closer I got to my due date, the more of a mess I became. We are talking by the beginning of my last trimester, things got messy. I felt suffocated with horror. I was thinking about Sarah, constantly, still pleading to have her back. I couldn't accept her death just yet. So much anxiety over having this next one overwhelmed me. I hadn't cleaned out Sarah's crib yet. We had kept it up, especially because there was no point to taking it down when we would be just putting it right back up for Eve. Over the months I had collected things of either Sarah's or things that people had made for her memory, or things that reminded me of her. Whenever I got so upset, I would just go to that crib and be surrounded by stuff that was Sarah's, breathing in every last scent. As my anxiety grew worse, I started pushing everyone away. There were only a handful of people I would let near me. My mom was one of them. She could relate to me in a way very few people could because we had grieved such a great loss together before...... Dad. Her husband, my daddy. I know it's not the same, but what was so healing about our relationship was the fact that she was more than comfortable to talk about Sarah and acknowledge the fact that this new baby is a very hard thing to endeavor. Like this picture, she would rub my belly, so mother-like, and say, "ooohhhh, kailan." and start to cry.
I can't explain all the weight of the anxieties, but I can say that God taught me how to breathe through it. He showed me mercy....
I remember pushing everyone away, to the point I barely went out of my house, cause I was so distraught with anxiety. In that time, I was terrified of what kind of mother I was going to be to Eve. Would I love her, even though she is not Sarah? Will I be scared to even look at her, because she does or doesn't look like Sarah? How will I have the courage to nurse this new infant, when all I could think about is that I was cut off from the last one. Will I ever sleep? Will she keep breathing? Even when I'm not looking? Will she leave me too? Will Isaiah remember he has two sisters and not combine both of the babies?

As I unfold my story for you, I will answer those questions.
All I knew at that point was that I needed space because I couldn't breathe, and I needed to take a time out, and allow time to be with my Father. I knew that if I didn't take care of myself, then I wasn't taking care of my baby. I knew that if I kept going this way, that I might go into labor soon. So I took time, my husband right by my side, and just let things be.

but, of course, as most of you know. Maybe a week after I decided my time-out, I went into pre-term labor at 33 weeks....

Eve - new beginnings

On February 10th of 2007, almost 2 months after Sarah died, we found out we were pregnant again. I remember pleading with God, to make me pregnant again, so I had hope that my hands would be full, once again. Not to replace Sarah, but to fill my hands. My husband and I do not get pregnant THAT easily, so when I saw that positive test, I was surprised and relieved. It helped me to breathe a little easier, knowing that another bundle is coming. But, of course, it brought on a new wave of emotions that I don't think anyone is ever ready for when you've gone through losing a baby. I remember, it had been 10 weeks after Sarah died, that the medical examiner called and told me that officially, her case was being closed and the death certificate was ready for pick-up. Those 10 weeks were the longest 10 weeks. I remember having guilt, did I do something wrong? Did I actually do something, that resulted in my baby's death? Was it the hemangiomas? Did I neglect something? or Did I not do anything at all, it was just the way it was supposed to happen for her? Not knowing, drove me crazy.
She said... " sudden unexplainable infant death" SIDS! I knew that there was a big possibility that it would result to that, but to hear it. It definitely vindicated that I didn't actually do or necessarily neglect anything, but SIDS, in and of itself, is a big question. There are all these ideas and theory, but none of them hold water. I'm not sure God wants us to know. I think mainly because, at this point, it doesn't matter. It makes no difference. Knowing the how, does not reverse the what, and both produce the why, which is essential to healing. My only peace was knowing that God had the why. The why does not just come to you, you have to seek it out, just like you have to seek God. We had lots of why's cause we were looking for them.
This is a page from the scrap book that I put together within several weeks after Sarah's death. Scrap booking was very healing, it was one way to honor her life. I have pictures, sayings, verses, memories... whatever I wanted. I still look at it today, and think, "how in the world..."

(click on the picture and you can see it bigger and clearer)

When I got that call about the officiality of it being SIDS, I was so distraught. I was alone at home, not able to breathe. I cried so hard, because I felt that even though it was final, it wasn't. It's hard for anyone to accept an unexplainable death. What do you embrace? I started spotting later that day, and Josh came home and we went to the hospital to do an ultrasound to make sure everything was alright. Our #3 was fine, and I learned very quickly that my out-of-control emotions were going to effect my body, and this pregnancy. My tears never stopped that day, but the Doctor that evaluated my ultrasound was a good christian woman, that poured her love out to us that day. We were able to, once again, share our story.
Why # 29 ..... by that day....
We found out later that it was a girl, and came upon the name Eve. For new beginnings. She represented us moving forward , breathing a fresh way, with our rekindled source.

Hosea 11:8b " All My compassions are kindled..." we are the candle He uses, to shine His light.