I Believe Jesus: Finding Hope While Chronically Ill

It was so quiet and beautiful being out in the plains of Iowa. I sat on my folding chair, watching the nervous groom precede his wedding party down the aisle. I thought about how delighted I was to actually be there and witness this with my own eyes. It was very hot that night. I had prepared myself to be overheated and in pain, so I had my medication with me, along with my ice packs in a mini cooler bag and a battery powered fan. The faithful trees shaded me. I had pushed so hard to be there that night. I kept saying "the universe is against me!" as I watched all our kids, including myself, come down with colds. I was flaring and sick and still my mother sacrificed her plans to take my sick kids so I could push myself to go to this wedding. It was special. Not only was an amazing young couple getting married, but my husband was officiate for the first time. I was proud of all of them. It was simple and beautiful and I was honored to be a part of it in this small way.

Not only did I have my physical obstacles, but I admit I came with a heavy heart. I'm tired. Tired of being sick. I ebb and flow with wanting to live vs. wanting to die. I question God as to why I have to be sick all the time. Not only have I not gone to church because of my sickness, but my heart still distrusts the whole business of church in general. Once you've gone through the hell of feeling outcast and betrayed by a church, it's hard to trust again. I have been so depressed, spinning in this never ending circle of healing the emotional so I can heal the physical, whilst fighting the physical trying to keep my head about me. It's a cruel cycle of catch 22. But it's left me feeling weary. Broken. Unfixable. Futile toiling. Breaking me bit by bit. And it was winning.

But I made it to this wedding. I sat in that congregation of family and friends joined to witness this couple's love for each other. I was proud of myself.

The vows began. They wrote their own and it was the bride's turn. I was so moved by their sweet words to each other but then she started speaking the words that were about to grab my heart. Within her vows she said, "If Jesus believes that marriage can last a lifetime, then I believe it too because I believe Jesus." It was an epiphany for me. Tears fled from my eyes in an instant and I had to take a deep breath so I didn't make too much of a spectacle crying like I was. People must have thought I was being way too emotional. Ha. If they only knew how my heart swelled as I longed for that touch from my Savior. I know the words she was saying were meant for her husband just then, but the power that radiated from her mouth to the ears listening in, I was truly humbled by this young bride's faith. I immediately started to interpret to my heart as I chewed on that phrase. She even kept it a simple mantra throughout her vows. "If Jesus believes it, I believe it too because I believe in Jesus." Oh! My weak spirit! My weak faith! I was being restored with each tear I had to wipe away.

* Jesus said, "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

If Jesus says I will find rest, if Jesus promises restoration then it will be.

Because if Jesus believes it, then I believe it too. Because I believe Jesus.

I have learned much from this experience of being chronically ill. It has stretched me like no other obstacle has. And I had forgotten Jesus'promises. I had forgotten how much I believe in Him. And how much He believes in me.




Thank you sweet Mallory, the young beautiful bride. May He bless you both.

*Matthew 11:28-29

Mastery: Letting go of being free of your struggles

In a crazy cycle recently, (where my depression spirals because I rarely feel well, making me crumple in a fetal position, crying, wanting my life to be over because I feel so worthless) I came to a certain resolve. I wanted to be free. Free of the depression, free of the stress, of the health issues. I would plead to God to take it away, but still I struggled... every day... trying to find the reason why I want keep fighting, even though I don't feel well.

Can we ever really be free? Free of illness? Chronic illness? Free of mental issues? Depression? Anxiety? Anger? Debilitating conditions?

Scriptures say “we are free.” What the hell does that even mean? I mean, let’s talk spiritually speaking here. We are stuck in this world, this fallen world. Jesus came and said the words Himself, “if the Son sets you free, you are free indeed.” But in context, He was talking about sin though. We are free from the bondage of our own sin. (note to self: that doesn't mean the sin against us from others and obviously, this didn't stop the consequences of the physical fallen world, since we still get sick and die, BUT...) We are made spiritually new. (And when we rise, we will be made physically new) We will be found clean in the face of God when we meet Him, because of the freedom we have received from the Son. Does this give me hope? Yes.

But, but, but…..

What about today? What about now? I don’t mean to sound impatient, but not only have I been dealing with this illness, this depression for so long now but…. Where is the respite? I believe in miracles, but after watching Dad die of cancer, I learned that miracles come in different forms and not always the way you want them to happen.

I went through a serious bout of more depression recently that circled around that fact that I may never be free of this illness, this depression, this fatigue cycle. Once again, God was just a figure standing there with His back turned away from me. “Not this one. Not this time” was what I kept hearing in response for my pleading with God to release me from this struggle. I didn't understand why. I still don’t understand why. But something had to give. I wanted to give up but that’s where it got complicated. Can’t give up something that is in you, something that you are dealt, something that you've lost. Giving up was impossible, unless I was willing to kill myself. Sure. I thought about it. I thought about releasing my husband from a sick wife, releasing my kids from a sick mother. But then… I’m too much of a pansy and well… my babies are… babies. I couldn't even think about doing that to them. It was devastating losing my dad at 16, I didn't want to put them through something like that. No. I wanted to live… But I want to LIVE. Like really live, like tear up the yard because all my plans are ridiculous and so…. *Kailan*. Like paint and decorate weird things on my walls for company to find as they creep through our house. Like not only school the kids in just the basics of education, but really take them out and let them experience things to the fullest. Like actually play with them again. You know? LIVE!

But if I can’t be free…..where’s my hope in that? Sure, I may get better some day. I may not. But what I do know is that “today” I must.

I started reflecting on something then. God told Cain that he must master his anger. (I use this lesson a lot in parenting) Was Cain wrong to be angry about Abel’s offerings? (because Abel gave better than Cain) No. But he was angry at the wrong person. His anger was a trigger, given by God, something beautiful. But his first mistake was getting mad at the wrong person, second mistake was he didn't heed God’s advice. Third mistake…. He went ahead and killed Abel in his anger, permanently silencing him and permanently stirring his own demise…. All because he couldn't- wouldn't master it.

I found myself realizing that if I wasn't going to be free of depression, and maybe even this sickness, then I must learn to master it, before it kills me.

So the research went into hyper-drive. The first things Jesus did was help the physical. I needed to be my own Jesus. (is that sacrilege to say?) I needed to help myself physically. Things like getting my ass back into the doctors office and not giving up on that part of things. Eating healthier, drinking more water, and taking my vitamins. I don’t have a second head that’s going to do all this for me. (well... it seems I do have a second head, but she isn't very helpful) I have to stand up for myself and master as much as I can for my body’s sake. I’m still figuring all this out.

Then the emotional/mental; counseling and talking with intimate friends, people I trust. Letting them in. Doing things that fill me up. I’m an introvert, so my things are reading, writing, making music and art. An extrovert may want to get out and run with a bunch of people… (oh wait… my husband does that.) A big one here is forgiving my bad days and embracing my good ones. I’m still figuring all this out.

Then the spiritual: I’m on shaky grounds here. I question everything I knew. Sometimes I struggle in vain…. Heh… most times I do. I try to keep my head about me, but then lose it. I get mad at people when they start talking spiritual to me about my health issues. “You’re going through this for a reason.” (makes me feel like a puppet on a string) “God will never give you anything you can’t handle” (right. And that’s why Christians kill themselves…. Or are killed. And actually, that line is often misquoted, so boom.) “Can’t you just shake it off and keep moving?” (shake it off… without breaking out in song, I ****ing wish I could shake it off and move the body that has it’s own agenda…. Ah! Dang it. Now that dang song is struck in my head) But in all seriousness, I'm letting myself wrestle with my faith. I love God. He is awesome. I just don't always "feel" His awesomeness. And maybe that's ok?  I’m still figuring all this out.

I've made up my mind though. I’m going to master this.

I watched the movie “The Gabby Douglas Story” recently. (awesome movie on Netflix, btw) and as I watched this sweet girl’s young life unfold, I saw the struggle, the passion, the desperation, and the hope. I saw this extraordinary family come together around this girl with extraordinary talent, but ultimately, it was up to her to find her teacher, do the work, fall and rise, and master her skills. She killed it at the Olympics, by the way.

There’s going to be a lot of days when I fail, but this is my trying. Mastering this doesn't even mean that “all will be well”, it just means that I have a plan to discipline myself. On my good days, I’m going to play and laugh, get stuff done, make my weird "kailan" creations. On my bad days, I’m going to cry, not eat when I don’t want to, slow down, forgive myself, cuddle a lot (since that’s the main thing I’m able to still be good at) and go to bed early. Mastering this means I’m going to stop telling myself that I’m not worth it. Or that I’m not a good wife and that he could do better/ have better. Mastering this means I’m going to change that self-talk. I am valuable to Him. I am talented. I am really really good at cuddling no matter what state I’m in. I have a husband, my support system, who goes to the moon and back for me because he thinks I’m worth it. I have friends that love me and all my quirks.

Any time I want to simply be free of my depression and illness, I just get more depressed.

That only leaves me one logical living choice. I must master it.

And so far…. I’m starting to have real hope.

I'm sure there's a title here...

It is such a struggle to write. I love writing. But sitting down, with 5 kids running a muck, interrupting me every 2 minutes, and having been dealt with a lot of sickness the last month, I have wondered whether or not I should be writing right now. But when I think about taking one of the few things that keep me sane as I sit outnumbered by minions in my own house, I realize how absurd that truly is. So I must continue to figure out how to protect this time to keep working on projects and sharing with all of you. (or the few of you.... ;)

I rung in the new year with a sinus infection! It's been awesome. (catch the sarcasm) I'm still on the mend from this painful illness. My headaches have been better though, that's a plus! They are still around, but so weak most of the time, all it takes is for me to eat and get out of the situation I am in and then I'm ok. I told a friend recently that working through my chronic stress and depression is like mastering life with an amputated leg. (no, I'm not comparing it to it's entirety, because, yes, I do still have my legs) But I feel as if I was strolling along life with a certain speed, with certain clarity, and then BAM, I'm sickly, headaches all the time, weak, irritable, stressed, anxious, triggers everywhere, all of it. It's taken sacrifices though, things I used to do, or be able to handle, I just can't right now. And I have to be ok with that. I have to learn my limits, my boundaries, my body's health needs, and allow the spiritual process of all of it to fall into play. But it's been hard. Very very hard. And I don't do well at this most of the time, but I can't tell you how thankful I am for my husband and my close friends.

My husband..... he's on this new kick. He's always been way more fit than me, always has more energy (being an extrovert) and I'm pretty sure he's related to Hercules in some way. He started running a couple weeks ago, in our east-side, scary when dark, just outside downtown still within city limits (what is that called? anywho) . At first he would be gone for 15 minutes. Next time turned into 30, within the next week turning into an hour. It was then he realized that he could really run... and far... stretching to 5 and 6 miles after just a few weeks. He wanted to make his New Years resolution something that seemed impossible and something he's never done before. But he wanted it to be something, that only a still small voice could say, "yes, you can accomplish this." He decided to start training for a full marathon that he will register for in about a month or so, and race in October, here in our city. I know my "Hercules" can do it. I've been watching him with pride as his health has improved, his stamina has strengthened, and his mental focus is ready. Of course, I'm pretty disappointed that he lost his "man" belly. I liked hugging and snuggling to that. But I support him, he needs this, and he deserves this. (for putting up with all my crazy, God bless him.) Follow his journey here.

In all this excitement, I was constantly reminded of my own health. My throat, almost every night, still hurts from being sick. And because it's been so long of it, I found depression visiting me like an old friend. (although, she's never been a good friend) She sits with me and tells me quiet things like, "Look at how sick and weak you are. And look at him. He's living... and you? You are dying. Poor kailan. Never will you really live."

I looked at my thriving husband and started crying. I knew I needed to talk to him and I did and he found me. (in fact, I don't think he ever "lost" me) He was on to her sly ways and guessed right, when pegging why my depression would set right now. Oh... to be understood! He's so romantic when he does that.

My heart was pleading for him to take me with him on this health journey. That his energy would pull me up from these depths and help me to "run" with him. (er... get healthier... write... stay sane...you know, translate it in a kailan-friendly way.... I will never be the adrenaline junky that he is.)  He gladly agreed to hassle me about diet, vitamins, doing low key exercises like yoga. Truly, I need to let his energy right now be an encouragement to me. Although our journeys and outcomes will be different, they can still be accomplished. Even though it feels impossible right now for me to be healthy again, mastering depression (not free, but I choose the word "master" very particularly and I'll write about that later), I need to let that even quieter voice (quieter than her voice) tell me, "You can accomplish this because you are Mine."

As I sit here, with a tinge of a headache creeping on me as I finish this, I know that it's time to step away from the computer, eat some lunch, and trust that I will make it.

Awake: Surviving Depression

It's been 3 months since I've written anything. There's good reason to my hesitancy in publishing anything within those months. I've been unwell. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months of laying on the couch, in so much pain and weakness, watching my children fall into routine of taking more responsibilities because I was unable. Headaches and fatigue ruled my life and my mind became captive to it. My thoughts had no clarity, in fact the only thing that I could make out were words that said, "You are a burden." Those words drove me to desire death, so that my loved ones could go on with someone else, someone new, someone able. I never attempted suicide, but dreamed that God would just take me somehow. I had already been in the thick of the headaches, and the Spirit of God gave me strength and an oasis to spend the time I did with my Uncle Bud before and during his death. I found myself jealous of my uncle's passing, wishing it had been me. Any logic that was left in me said, "GO TO THE DOCTOR!!"

 I gave up. I surrendered. I tried all my natural home remedies. Any time I brought God up in it all, I condemned myself or felt God being passive to my suffering. I was in a physical, mental, and spiritual fog. I had successfully isolated myself away from most of my family and friends (because I "was a burden" remember?) My husband, (who is the best husband in the world, by the way) would come home from his stressful job to all the housework at home, five little kids yearning for his attention, needing his referee-ing. Not knowing what to say to me, he just held me. Whenever I asked, he held me. I would cry guilty tears of not getting anything done around the house. He'd coach me saying, "This too shall pass" but those words were muffled to my ears. I was stuck in "the now." I was overwhelmed with the endless torment my body had apparently betrayed me with, waiting to die, wanting to die. My husband took me to my first appointment.

I remember sitting there in disbelief that it had gotten this bad. My health. My depression. They were spiraling together, sinking me down and tying me to the bottom. My bonds were just too tight. Out of boredom of waiting in the doctor's office, I surfed through my email and found an article titled, "You Are Not Alone." I took a deep breath.

The doctor found my thyroid issues, and we started the long trek of balancing that out. Then continued on more meds for my depression. I had started this unique therapy with my Uncle Ed (who is a gifted counselor) called "EMDR Therapy" and it has greatly improved my mental clarity. Two mentors, who are some of my best friends, never left me in the dark alone. They walked with me, listening to my anger and desperation, never judging, turning my face to the hope of tomorrow. I finally started feeling better and then sprained my ankle, making me bedridden once again. Another bond, another weight. I felt so defeated. I asked God why He wanted me this way? Why He isn't protecting me or healing me to be able to live the way He says He wants us to? But I continued to take my meds, do the therapy, allow my body to heal, talk to my mentors, and ask my husband to hold me.

I still have my bad days of headaches, but each week seems to get a little better. As the bonds fade, my mind becomes clearer. This is not some miraculously quick healing for me, but the miracle here is what I have become even more aware of during this process. I found my Beloved Lord again. Not as this passive God who just stood and watched me writhe in pain, nor as a condemning God for not being the wife/mom/friend that I needed to be. He was in the doctor who sat and heard my ailments and knew what would help me. He was in my Uncle who so gracefully counseled me in the safety of his love for me, with a therapy he knew would help me. He was in my mentor and friend that sat across from me til midnight every Tuesday night at that restaurant, relating to my struggles, reminding me that life is hard, but we can do life together and we'll get through this. And He was in another mentor that corresponded words of wisdom and understanding, challenging me to grow and to see beyond myself. And my favorite, was when He held me through the arms of my husband, "this too shall pass" "this is only a season" "I know you are hurting. I know. And I love you."  I had found myself again too. My notorious God-given "strong-will" that has gotten me, truly, this far in life and then... I didn't want to die anymore. (I mean, don't get me wrong, heaven is going to be awesome, but...) I wasn't so ready to leave right now.

I want to live. I see God everywhere.

In this slow healing, I am learning patience, grace, new appreciations, and new perspectives.

I finally made it to church this sunday, after months of being absent, and my pastor put it perfectly, teaching us (from the example of the Hebrews being freed and wandering the wilderness for so long) that you can be taken out of slavery, but it is through the wilderness, the slavery can be taken out of you.

God has, indeed, freed me from my bonds through Jesus Christ, but it was the bonds that were in me that I was feeling still. This world is the wilderness, for which I will learn how to live in this freedom from my bonds.

And every morning, I wake up, making it a point to say, "I am fine."

The Richest Feeling in the World

One day before he died, his wife washed him with water and washcloths. 

I've had the privilege of sitting with my uncle in his last week before he died. These moments (pictured) were some of the last moments this wife had to serve her husband, literally the day before he died. He'd been in the hospital for weeks and she wanted to wash him. Being hooked up to so many tubes she got a bucket with warm water and washcloths and washed him. There was some time I had with him alone, before this, while she went away to get ready for the move to hospice that was to take place in just a few hours. I brought my dad's journals with me (journals he wrote in while he was sick before he died) in hopes to read them to my uncle to give him some comfort. Words that may make him feel he is not alone in this final journey on Earth.

"A favorite honeymoon memory is....
       On our wedding night, we stayed at a flea bag motel called the Hickman Motor Lodge, making distant plans for a distant honeymoon that we have cared less and less about, to some ever-changing location. The tree of love has many branches and roots. God has let me see the roots of my tree; a privilege I thank Him for.     My Honeymoon- that special bloom in a marriage- began March 1, 2000 when doctors told me even "Ziebart" won't help my body. I have fallen in Love with Lyn more than ever in my life, more than I have words to express. From the depths of my soul I am overwhelmed with a closeness I could have never imagined. I have never felt so full of Love and so loved, so safe, so cared for, as I do now. I love everyone ten times more, but I love my mate 100 times more. God, Lyn, my family - I am the richest man in the world... 
    ...... to infinity and beyond!"  
                                                                              ~journal entry written by Joseph Ruppert, Jr. 

When I got finished reading that passage, I looked up at my uncle and witnessed the gladdest smile, his wrinkles like sun beams brightening his face, his eyes were closed with gratefulness and he said, "Yes! THAT is soooo true! I love her sooo much!"

11 Years and Lots of Messy Awesome! Wash, Rinse, Repeat.

Emily Crall Photography

 Last weekend was our 11th Anniversary! Yay us!

Emily Crall Photography

Sometimes I just want to shout from the rooftops, "We are awesome! I love us!" I'm truly married to my best friend in the whole wide world. I have a few other "best friends" but this guy hits #1 on that list.... by a long shot! I can tell him anything. I can show him anything. I can be vulnerable to him and he just melts me. He knows me. like... really knows me. He even embraces my "Yoda" ears as "cute"...(to which I do NOT agree, but I can't take that away from him)  I am so blessed to have him in my life. (and I'm pretty sure he's blessed to have me. ;) heh )

But that's not our whole story. Those are just symptoms of our story. People look to us for having such a great marriage and I'd be doing a dis-service to not reveal more of the truth. We have issues... just like everyone else. But I'd like to think that the reason we are as "awesome" as we are is because we look at each other constantly, and we both choose "us."

Like the movie "Family Man" with Nicholas Cage and Tea Leoni. They went through all these trials together and fell in love so deeply because of that. Willing to sacrifice that much more with every step of life, from the beginning, they would tell each other, "I choose us."

We both agree that we feel that we've been to hell and sorta back. We have had our share of mistakes. We both have made irresponsible decisions in life that caught up to us eventually, making this mess that we painfully had to trudge through in order to grow from it. Lust has attacked our marriage. Financial crises has attacked our marriage. Depression and anger are bitter frequent visitors. Surviving the death of our daughter, took it's toll on not only ourselves, but the way we had to make the desperate effort to know each other again. That was exhausting! We've had seasons where I was on bedrest with many minions running around and Josh had to do EVERYTHING! And seasons where Josh had to do something stupid and break something so then he had to be on bedrest, with all these minions running around and I have to do everything! 5 living children taking every ounce of energy we have left, to where at the end of the day, all we have left to give each other is playing rock, paper, scissors on who has to get up next to take care of the child that is crying because they need another diaper change.

When things are bad, we both choose us. Not "one of us choosing us", because it can't work that way. We BOTH choose us. When things are good, we are glad we persevered and chose us.

Several years ago, I sang for a wedding. The song was "This Way" by Jewel. I like Jewel. But I didn't like what that particular song was saying. The chorus goes like this:
"Say that you'll stay. Forever this way. Forever and forever. That we'll never have to change
Don't move. Don't breathe. Don't change. Don't leave. And promise me
Say you'll stay. We'll stay. This way"

As I pondered the words to this song, I couldn't help but think of how much I disagreed. Josh and I were so stupid when we got married. We were irresponsible. We were flighty or controlling... I'll let you guess which one was which... Our expectations were through the roof. The one thing we had going for us is that we were taught by both our parents the weight of commitment. I truly think that's the only reason that we were ready to be married at the green ages of 18 and 20. But I'm so glad we didn't "stay" that way. We grew. We got stretched. We got hurt. But we chose us. And now... it's beautiful. Things are not perfect now, they are still messy. I still send Josh warning messages that I'm in a funk and he knows what that means. And he sometimes still looks pitiful in his cast as he watches me helplessly care for our 5 kids and tend to house things that were "his chore" to do. Just the other day, I had to say something hard to him that was pressing on my heart that I knew was going to be a challenge for us. But it's still beautiful.

I hope this post helps you to see our relationship in a truer light. Yes, we are awesome. But as a wise person has said, "Awesomeness comes at a painful cost, that you first must endure and persevere and then repeat." ... or something like that.... ok... I paraphrased. I'm not even sure if someone else actually said that... But it's incredibly true.

Here's a video for all of you to enjoy. It's part of our Anniversary festivities. Josh hasn't been able to play guitar or any instrument (except the shaker) because of his cast. It's been driving him crazy. So we worked together to make it happen. I'm playing the frets while he strums. This song is near and dear to us because we did this acoustic cover at our wedding, 11 years ago. And it still rings true.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t3R8t7ALsOQ&feature=youtu.be

Emily Crall Photography

There's The Idiot I Married!

High School dance, "hoedown" themed. 2002

I still can't explain why. It could be that, for me, adventure only exists in my head. Or the difference between bold and blunt are two different things and I tend to fall to the latter. Thrill is not my friend, meanwhile watching others cross physical limits fascinates me. Adventure usually comes with lightheartedness and I lack both.

I was a curious nerve-racked freshman in high school, on the first day in band class standing next to the instrument room doors, taking in everything. I quietly observed everyone around me, as I do best. Those doors swung open and bursting through was this boy. This boy ran across the room, jumping on tables, swinging his trombone in hand, whooping it up with his buddy close by doing the same thing.

"Who is that?" I asked the girl next to me.

She answered with this beaming smile, "That's Josh Wing."

My cheeks got hot, I'm sure I turned red. I was hooked. He was almost everything I wasn't. Sure he was cute, but I could sense his free spirit, every time as soon as he came into sight.

It took a while for him to notice "quiet Kailan" in the corner, but eventually he did.

It's sure been an adventure ever since we hooked up, got married, had 6 children, going on 11 years and counting. A couple of years ago, we hit a brick wall we didn't know how to deal with. We had issues within a church and felt very rejected. I faltered to a faithful depression state, but even my "adventurer" husband followed suit. It felt like we were both dying. Dying away from the world and it's issues, dying away from parenthood, dying away from each other. We sought help from friends and other pastors. I can't even begin to express my thanks to those people. After coming up out of the state of depression (we are still working on it) it's left us timid for making those next steps, getting back into life. But mostly, fighting to find ourselves again. We are different because of the events in our lives, (which is good for growth) but there's still that underlying truth to our personalities. I'm a dark horse, and he's the adventurer. But I wasn't seeing that in him..... until now.

It was Easter weekend (4 days ago to be exact) and he got an itch to do something... well... stupid.. er I mean, crazy! He wanted to show his kids some parkouring. People that can parkour are amazing people. If you don't know what it is, you should look it up on youtube. It's always been a dream of Josh's to do it like they do, and he had some mild skills... from high school... (ehem, he's 31 now, a 7 year old back injury, but those are just minor details, right?) He aims for this railing at my mom's house. As soon as his feet hit the railing from his high jump, the railing bent away, sealing his fate of falling to the ground. I saw the hit and ran to him. The seriousness on his face was all I had to see to know this was bad. The doctor confirmed it a couple hours later. He broke his wrist.


Of course, my family and I had our laugh about it. I smacked my head several times, wondering, "what in the world was he thinking?!" Although it's left me completely exhausted, having to do all the house work, most of the driving, taking care of our 5 little minions, all by myself.... including bedtime?!?! But on the other hand, something about it resonated with me. Something about it comforted me. I started to recognize a friend I had missed. My idiot adventurer. The stuff that makes him this lighthearted person, was finally surfacing again, and he's got a cast to prove it.

He apologized to me for being stupid and getting hurt, and I just replied, "I married you because of crap like this." We both laughed about it and I'm just glad to have this piece of him back.

Valentine's Day and all it's Monstrosities

Picture taken by Emily Crall Photography  www.emilycrall.com

You always start days off like V day, thinking. "I'm gonna clean the house and actually iron his clothes, and he will love it!" but the expectation turned out to be too much for me yesterday.

I had a whole post written yesterday to describe my feelings for this "holiday" (or whatever you want to call it) It started with one subject, had a middle subject, then went on to another....It had all my opinions about how I have a love/hate relationship with V day. How I'm never big on the day, but somehow the feelings creep in that you have to make it extra special still. We never really do anything fancy, however, I did remind my husband before he left for work yesterday that I expect chocolates the next day when they go on sale. It's a tradition, don't touch it.

Then I stopped writing because I realized how much my writing wasn't making sense. My headache was getting bad and I was so tired from lack of sleep the night before. My toddlers (there's 2 of them) were being toddlers and extra whiny. My older kids (there's 2 more) were fighting constantly. And don't forget the baby that needs to wake up and eat every 3 hours. I was beyond drained and my headache only got worse. The older kids finally made me snap. I yelled at them.... badly. I felt like a monster unleashed as I desperately wanted them to just shut. up. All of this activity overwhelmed me to the point of depression.

oh right. Happy Valentine's Day!

..... not gonna happen. Not the way I wanted it to. My husband was going to come home to a messy house, dishes in the sink, same un-ironed clothes, crazy kids that were probably still recovering from my tantrum, and a monster wife who is shoving her head in the couch to get some quiet otherwise she'll puke from the splitting headache.

I texted him while he was at work to warn him. "I'm so sorry. I'm so tired I'm getting a headache and it's making me grumpy. This is my pre-apology."

I began crying so much. Feeling like a failure mom for not disciplining my kids more properly. I felt like a failure wife because I never pick up the damn iron to make his clothes ready for work. I'm making my sweet husband come home to a dirty house and I wasn't ready to give him a "nice wife" for Valentine's Day. With all this "failure-ness" all I had left was my honesty.

I texted him once more. "I'm a monster"

I sent the kids to their beds, the "good" ones watched TV, and I used the little energy I had left to feed the baby and we all waited for Dad to come home. My tears never stopped as my failure rate rang in my ears... or was the ringing my migraine? It was a "potato potata" moment.

So the time finally came when my KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR came through the door to SAVE US ALL!

"Emergency Monster Extraction Kit"

I have to brag about how awesome he is. He brought the very dinner I was craving. It was like he read my mind! Then he gives me a present.                                                           ----------------->





This spoke volumes to my heart. It had enough honesty and humor that it completely broke my funk. What did it have in it, you ask?
  ~chocolate, summer sausage, cheese, crackers, headache medicine, and WINE!~

 My tears dried and I was able to laugh about it. After eating dinner my headache went away. We put the kids to bed and he let us watch "Austenland" for the first time.... I know, gals.... he's the best, right?

It turned out to be a humbling honest night with lots of nothing but love, at it's finest. I thank God for my graceful husband. I love that we can be so honest with each other.

My husband and I do have a great relationship, but that doesn't mean we don't have any trials. I believe that because of the trials, we are great.

Picture taken by Emily Crall Photography.  www.emilycrall.com

*Professional photographs of us two awesome people were taken by Emily Crall Photography. She is so good at what she does, especially for this camera-shy girl. :) You can check out her website at www.emilycrall.com or visit her blog here. I will be sprinkling more photos of us throughout the next several blog posts! I just LOVE these pictures! Thanks so much Emily!


 

For Better AND Worse

It's amazing how those vows could be misleading... for better OR worse? Let's try saying better AND worse. Because every married couple knows... there are better times, and there are worse times... and we embrace both in order to truly fulfill our commitment to each other.

I adore my husband. I love him, maybe obsessively too much... however... that's not what makes marriage work. When marriage works, Love is exactly what it reflects, but it's how we get there is the real journey. It's commitment.

"I do."

Not "I'm gonna", not "I've done", "only if you are nice to me".... no... It's "I do".

That's an ongoing vow. " to do" is to presently, every moment "do" commitment.

It's because of this commitment that we love.

I've always known marriage to reflect God's relationship with us. He's been "committed" to us. In all our sin and ugliness and us throwing adult-sized tantrums... He's committed... period. Why? Because He loves us. In fact, He loved us first. How do we love Him back? By staying committed.

I asked Josh last night if I've been a bitch. (excuse my language) He smiled that nervous smile, with wholehearted honesty and with as much kindness as he could muster..
 "Yes, you've had your moments of acting like one."

"Ok. I know that, but has it been a general thing for me lately?" I pressed.

"Ever since [our last big trial with life] you've been different. I know you're irritated being on bedrest again and I understand that. But other bedrests have not been this hard for you. You are different this time and have been different." he responded.

I knew what he was talking about because I could feel the honesty of it in my bones. I am different. I hated it. Yes, I'm pregnant.. again... but my fuse is shorter, my mouth is looser, my tolerance is so much less, and I can't seem to shake this anger that creeps up with memories of painful things. I was really kinda hat'in on myself. Some recent things have happened that have reminded me of why I've been mad at certain people or certain situations. So needless to say, I'm reminded of it's ugliness and what living through it has done to me, changing me.... for the worse?

Then I wake up this morning to a couple encouraging messages from various people, reminding me how awesome I am.. haha... But really, it forced me to explore why they thought these things. Here I am, admitting I've been a bitch and people will encourage me on my attitude in supporting others the way I have. It's then I realized... because of [what happened] (I know.. the secrecy may be killing you but that's all I can give you publicly) I have changed... but not JUST for worse... but for the better too. Worse AND better.

My eyes are so much more open now. Open to seeing how people are treated, not just by anyone, but by the Church as well. How judgement has overcome Love when dealing with people. (not that I'm saying we shouldn't hold each other accountable, I'm talking about something different)  I'm more sensitive to what God's love really feels like, what it really looks like, and how it really ought to be shown by us, by the Church, by humanity. I've become frustrated with certain doctrine that unwittingly puts us in a box that we can't get out of... or a box that we can't get into.

Now, if I see a jerk, I may call them a jerk. Don't get me wrong, my spunk honesty has not left me, in fact it may be stronger. However... I'm able to take people for their own special circumstances and love them and support them where they are. Because I've learned their growth does not depend on me doing it for them. We're only called to Love and that means supporting people, caring for them, meeting needs, and letting God do the rest.

Needless to say, I need to work on my mouth and how I deal with anger and memories, but I am grateful that another veil has been lifted from my eyes.

For better AND worse, I am in this. I have made this commitment.

I wear His ring.

10 Years, 6 Babies, 3 Major Trials, 2 Committed People, and a Partridge in a Pair Tree

May 10th, 2013 was our 10 year Anniversary! We both look at eachother and think.... "Has it really been 10 years already?" but then take another look and think... "Haven't we been married for 50?"

I have so much to blog about all that I've been learning in life, so I'm gonna give it in chunks... First off, I must share my 10 tips for 10 years of marriage. I woke up with a huge headache on our anniversary day and was puking for most of it, especially into the night... I know... romantic, right? So to keep my mind off my stomach, I threw myself at the computer trying to stay awake enough to delegate children. (thank God for 8 yr olds that know how to take care of things around the house and little children) So... I had the little fun I could muster to put 10 silly tips on facebook for all my friends to be entertained on our day of days. I thought I may share them here. :) You'll notice some of my tips are very silly but they do have serious undertones, so I'll make a note under each one.

Disclaimer: Just because I say these tips, does NOT mean that we have it "nailed". Just like our relationship with Jesus, we daily have to work through our relationship with eachother.

10 years on May 10th! Wow.... So glad I'm making it extra romantic by puking my guts up at this time.... of course it was love that brought it on! hahaha... enough of grossing everyone out on facebook in 2 different ways... I'm on a roll! Happy Anniversary my Yesh. Love love love love love love love. As a gift to all, I'm going to try and come up with 10 tips for marriage... Tip #1: Make sure you have a pastor that's not afraid to embarrass you.

Make sure you have a pastor/mentor/friend that isn't afraid to hold you accountable. Every marriage needs accountability from a trusted and respected source. Your spouse is your first accountability partner, but having that mentor that's not afraid to be honest with you when you need help is so important.

Tip #2: Always share your food... it's the christian thing to do. Even if this is hard for you at first, actions proceed beliefs, so... just do it.

Hoho's are sacred. kidding.... this goes beyond food though.... even though it is nice to share food, but sharing your life with this special someone is a big deal. You are not your own and many forget that. Many think they are entitled to be independent of eachother, which to some extent I know we all have our jobs that we go to day to day... or our "jobs" come to us every morning until the kiddos go to bed, but truly... what's mine is his, and what's his is mine. "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine" We are one flesh. Own it. Protect it. Enjoy it.

Tip #3: Share in ministry together. It's one of the most awesome things to do to stand beside your best friend, doing God's work. *youth leaders for life*

Match your passions and work together whenever possible. You may not have the same strong suits, neither do we. He's an extrovert and I'm an introvert, but we found a way to be involved together, ultimately doing what God calls all of us to do. Love Him. Love others. Doing this together, we have endless stories, lessons, trials and triumphs that keep us connecting with eachother all the time.

Tip #4: Get excited about things. No matter how small or big it is, do the dance and jumping up and down, and be glad the other feels as dumb as you do, but the beauty of it is you both know that you are awesome because of your weirdness.

Embrace your unique marriage. You are unique. They are unique. Together, you are crazy unique. Embrace your own style of doing things. Encourage one another, get excited for one another, and don't forget to cry along side them..... or in my case... you cry, and he holds you until you are done because your hormones are crazy and you both know that and it doesn't need to be said. :) 

Tip #5: At least once a year, wear the same thing. This may sound kinda weird, but it's what we do, so it must be working right?

 There really isn't a serious note here. I think I just really wanted to post this picture of us celebrating on a holiday we don't even really get too involved in... I purposely miss "the ball dropping" almost every time. Of course, I will say, we equally don't care and equally take advantage of being with friends.

Tip #6: No matter how many cute babies you make during this marital process, make sure you have a dedicated teenager around (aka our awesome niece) to be able to handle the rugrats, so you can take eachother out of parent roles, and into BFF/lover roles :D

 Priority relationship people!!! You and your spouse were a family before children came. You guys are one, the children are a welcomed extension. We learned this from Growing Kids. You must protect your priority relationship by setting some time for just eachother. I've been told so many divorces happen after 20+ years of marriage all because the kids are out of the house and they don't know eachother anymore. Not a good excuse. Protect that priority relationship now because it's is you both in the beginning and it'll be you both in the end. Yesh is not just the father of my children, he is first (and always will be) my best friend/lover.

 And my niece rocks, doesn't she?

Tip #7: Help eachother out. Give eachother a hand. No matter how aweseome, silly or gross it may seem, that's the sacrifice of marriage. A wise pastor once said that "it's not 50/50 in a relationship. It's 100/0. Give everything, and expect nothing."

 My pastor Todd once said this in his sermon on marriage. It was the first and only time I've heard it anywhere. Expectations are tempting and are never ending if you give yourself the 50/50 advice. Standards are put that are never reached and disappointment always follows it like a duckling follows it's mother. I'm not always good at the 100/0, but it's made for a proper perspective when God's trying to get ahold of my heart about something. It is, after all, what He gave us.

Tip #8: Find something that you love to do together on your spare time. Master the skills and get really good and thoroughly enjoy eachother and what you're doing together at the same time. It's these things that bring heaven to earth. :)

 Aside of active ministry with others, find that "thing". It could be anything that you love to do together. That thing that you both love working on and getting better at. It brings such harmony to the relationship. Ours, most of the time, is music. We both love to sing and play and through the years have picked up new skills and we've written songs and worked on songs to get them JUST the way we like them. It's so fun and energizing to both of us, at the same time it's a stress reducer, and what makes it the best is that we are doing it together. Find it. This is definitely one of many ways I feel God's love when He gives us things like this to do with each other and ultimately, that alone is glorifying to Him.

Tip #9: Remember your roots. Remember why you married this incredibly weird person and chose to be weird along with them. Although the tree may grow and the leaves wither and fall, and grow new leaves... the roots are always there, always getting deeper and richer than you've ever dreamed of.

 I love most of Jewel's songs, (and I don't know all her songs) but there is this one, in particular, that I disagree with. She talks about how "this day" is so great and they are so in love that she hopes that they stay "this way". We were totally head over heals for eachother when we were dating, and our wedding was great, honey moon was even better. We've had our good times and bad times because "that's life" but we look at our relationship now and know, without a doubt, that we are richer than we were when we began. Our "tree" is beautiful and big and it's only going to get bigger as time passes. I guess the lyrics... "I hope our love is better later." wouldn't sound as romantic. hahaha

Tip #10: Be this close. Literally and figuratively. Cuddle every night you are able. Physical touch is powerful. And enjoy the closeness that can only be shared with the one human being in the whole wide world, the other half of you that can dance with even though you can't dance, hold your sweaty hand tightly, help you clean up after puking your guts up, hold you close when you cry, laugh at you until you are laughing at yourself, all because... that other half loves you. No matter what. Be this close.

I'll leave this one. It needs no more explanation. 

May you find the blessings of your marriage, learn from it's trials, and see the big beautiful tree that has grown from both. 

*Happy Anniversary my Yesh. I'm excited to celebrate it, in about a month when I'm done puking. :)

The big question,"Why People Get Divorced After Losing A Child?"

I have neglected this part of my story, because I was so focused on my story about Sarah that I didn't realize that I was leaving out one of the most important aspects of grieving. Which is ironic, because that's the start of answering a question like this. Neglecting the priority relationship. Let me let you in on Josh and I's relationship to help you better understand what we go through.

Josh and I made people sick:) in a good way. We were highschool sweethearts that married eachother. We were in ministry bands together, that enabled us to share our time together ministering to the youth. We've been involved in youth groups together. The only thing we did not do together was work. Other than that, we were attached at the hip. We "waited" for eachother, which was a big blessing in our relationship, that few today get to experience. Yes, we had our normal marital fights and issues, but we were unbeatable with eachother. We were quick to forgive. We learned so much from eachother. I could say that it probably took us that four years to be able to fight well. You know, arguing appropriately, as to NOT sever the head of the other, just for the fun of it, just because you can. I helped my flighty husband to get a little more organized and he helped his anal stubborn wife to calm down and enjoy the things in front of me. I loved to be submissive, and he respected my opinion. I'm not saying that we nailed it, but we were in a good direction. We would go to marital seminars, even though there were no real issues with us, we were always quick to go to keep learning about how to make our marriage stronger. We were also taking classes called, "Growing Kids God's Way" by the Ezzo's. Learning about the priority relationship of our marriage made us even stronger. Through that, we had couples to look up to, who encouraged us to strengthen our marriage even more. We kept that lovey dovey highschool feel to our relationship cause we loved feeling that way. Even with Isaiah coming and born, we felt like these youngens havin babes. Which made life all the more exciting. Nothing was nonchalant with us.
We were very equipped to take on what life has to throw at us, we just weren't expecting the worst thing. When Sarah died, we felt whip lashed. One of the main couples that we looked up to, were the very ones to pray over us at the hospital, that we do not separate over this. I remember Josh told me in my ear, "we are NOT separating over this." I nodded my head, and planted it right in his chest.
Instantly, when we got to mom's house to stay for the week, there were issues. I wanted to be away from the crowd, while he wanted to be in the crowd. That was how we grieved. They say opposites attract. It's true. Our temperaments are opposite and with that comes different ways of grieving. I was becoming a different person very subtly and so was he. We grew distant when it came to our "inner world" but we kept pushing ourselves to talk through it. Which we did, cause everyone knows, "Communication is the Key." It was only a couple months out that I realized that I felt alone, somewhat like a widow, life I lost both my child and my husband and that it was just me and Isaiah. I'm a very observant person, so when I felt like that, I instantly went to my husband, who was very much alive. We talked it through and realized that we feel like this cause we barely know eachother anymore.
We were so busy grieving our daughter, that we became unaware of a bigger issue. My arms became empty when Sarah died, but what added to my grief was the absence of my second half. My heart was broken in so many different ways. My head was so clouded with grief that it took the Spirit to point it out to me.

(the Big answer)
I realized that not only am I grieving Sarah, I was grieving the way things used to be. I was grieving the old me, the old Josh, the old life, the old marriage. My head was swimming with loss. I wanted my life back, but it doesn't work that way. So Josh and I had to make a decision. To let it get so bad that we separate, OR be proactive, before it gets bad, and push back toward God and eachother. Love and sacrifice and commitment.

Marriage is work. Marriage can be like labor, but it's all for a sweeter outcome. We pulled out our "equipment" and started in.
It's been over two years, and we are still working things out. But our "toil is not in vain." We will overcome this, because He has already. This was our tribulation, and I'm sure there is more to come, but He has overcome the world. Sarah is safe. Our marriage is stronger than ever. We are learning eachother again, and it is beautiful. There are beautiful things about us that never came to surface until lately. We still see some old things peeking back because God is good.
Because I remained faithful, I still adore my husband. I am proud to be his wife. We still go to whatever marriage seminars there are, and we keep learning cause we know we will need it. This whole situation has aged us. We both have said, we feel like 60 year olds in 25 year old's bodies. But we feel honored. Through Christ, we have prevailed that hardest thing that a couple could go through. We know for sure, that NOTHING will stop us now. God saw fit to have us go through this, but He knew we could get through it. He entrusted us with this. He gave us this blessing cause He knew we'd live to tell about it. I've never felt closer to God or to my husband. Life will always hurt, but my soul still dances.