I have to admit, I love the new Alice in Wonderland movie. It makes you want to dream bigger, and be more confident about your ideas and obstacles you must face in life. As a Christ-follower, we are here seeking out His children out of love for The Father to help bring them back to Him, while giving all the glory to God. In the movie, as Alice is facing the jabberwocky that she must "slay or die", she thinks about 6 impossible things that are real in this wonderland, that are not seen in her world at home. The last one being that she slays that jabberwocky.... and she succeeds, just as she was destined to. She was told that she was merely the bearer of the one that was going to actually do the slaying.... the vorpol sword... (interesting)
Every Christmas is a milestone for us, especially when we still have babies in the house. Tesh is 16 months old now, and today is December 17th. The anniversary of Sarah's death. It's been 4 years now. I've already had 2 faithful friends call me to see how I was doing. This has been a big year for our family. With all of Tesh's health issues, her failure to thrive, intolerance's, dysphagia, and her cranial surgery, that alone has made this year seem like it lasted forever. Then you add on my health issues with my hormone imbalances (which probably was exasperated by stress) that made things extra hard to stay focused. And GREAT things happened this year, like Josh finally landing a position as youth pastor at CrossPoint Church in Bondurant. The youth leaders have been so great and so helpful as we are transitioning. We've learned a lot this year, a lot about ourselves, and about God's love and provision for us.
As I have met with old and new SIDS parents, there is a commonality of paranoia. We have this painful burning desire to make SURE that are kids are safe. Parents think that way anyway, but it becomes even more painful when you've lost a child already. It's always on your mind, like a ringing in your ear that won't go away. You become obsessed, and at times... crazy.
My way of dealing with Sarah's death is a little different than most SIDS parents, not that I haven't met one that does things the way we've done them, but we don't always "fit in" with your average SIDS parents with the way we handle certain things. My short list that I'm about to give has been part of the healing process for us. That is to say with only God's peace and strength have we been able to do so. My six impossible things (for a SIDS parent) in this last year.....
1) Babies do not sleep with an apnea monitor.
2) Babies sleep with blankets, maybe even when they are old also.
3) Babies sleep on their bellies when they do it themselves.
4) Keeping the priority relationship in check, and not becoming child-centered.5) Living through another trauma with another baby.
6) Conquering milestones, even on anniversaries.
Allow me to explain my success with these "impossible things"
1) We used the apnea monitor for a few weeks total with Tesh before it collected dust on our shelf. I found it several months later, only to call the number and have them take it back. Satan has no power over me.
2) Blankets, bumpers, it's always the top concern of a SIDS parent. Although I'm careful about using crocheted blankets only when they are little, I will willingly tuck my baby in at night. Satan has no power over me.3) I remember a moment when I was at a peak freak out with Tesh's health issues. That particular day I was at my lowest of lows, and then it happened. I went to check on sleeping Tesh (she was around 7 months old) and she was on her belly. I just stared at her, standing over her crib, and then the Spirit spoke to me saying, "walk away, I've got her, she's fine." I knew right then that satan was toying with me, and I walked away, and did NOT turn her over. Satan has no power over me!
4) A lot of parents tend to be child-centered, a lot of SIDS parents are definitely child-centered. Focusing only on the children and not their Love that got them there. Thanks to God and Growing Kids, we have tried our best to be attentive to one another, sacrificing for one another, and holding our relationship priority over our relationship with our children. Satan has no power over us.
5) Oh my goodness, yes, I freaked out about Tesh's issues all over the place, BUT when it came to crunch time, I handed over my baby to a person that was going to be in control over her deep sleep while her head was cut open. I win. Satan has no power over me.
6) Little milestones hit us everywhere, whether they are ones that come to us or we seek them out. I've decided that I'm going to accomplish something every Christmas that brings me closer to healing and living a normal Christ-focused life. Although it may seem small, it was big to me this year. Tesh was still in our room sleeping in her crib right beside my spot on the bed. I kept her there longer than normal (for me) cause I felt the need to watch her closer with all her issues, which was warranted. But not so warranted anymore. Last night I moved her in with her siblings. All 3 in one room, giving us our room back. I woke up this morning to Sarah's angel day and Tesh not beside me for the first time in her life, as I could hear her little babbles to her siblings across the way. I love them all together. They love it too. Take that satan, you have no power over me!
I have slayed the dragon.... only this one's like a cat with nine lives. : /
He comes back with more and more, but all I have to do is bear "the sword".
Happy Angel Day Sarah. I love you and miss you terribly, but I know that someday I'll see you again.
*update on Tesh: She's doing beautifully, no one believes me that she even had anything wrong with her. We are working on her intolerance's still, her dysphagia is almost none existent, and her head looks great and hair is growing! She's walking along furniture and real steps are just around the corner. She's smart and a goofball like her brother.
Merry Christmas!
