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| How could you not love me, right? |
I used to do weird things all the time, you know, like wearing the flamingo glasses up side down, making the heads point up my nose. Or when I walked around with a dart stuck to my forehead. Or when some friends and I would record crazy personalities on camera, looking completely ridiculous. (where are those videos?) How could you not love me, right? d: I'm quirky and I'm proud of it.
But where did I lose her? (yes, I like talking about myself as if I have multiple personalities) Will I get her back? I see her from time to time, but never as regularly as it used to be.
I've been on this journey of finding my retreats, making peace with grace, seeking my value to Him, working out my health issues, and I'm also finding that I suck at sustainability. I've been slapped in the face, by nature, because apparently she doesn't like me enough to work with me. I'm working on that relationship, she's touchier and more stubborn than I am, I think.
I've been going in a down spiral like this:
Initial and prolonged stress (trauma from experiencing deaths of loved ones)
>> is producing depression
>>is producing low immunity
>>is producing screwed up hormones, with frequent sicknesses/ headaches
>> is producing depression
>> so when added stress (like with what I've been dealing with recently) come into play
>>equals Kailan burning out and not able to function
That's my miserable side in a nut shell. I say "side" very strongly, cause I have a wonderful husband, and wonderful children, strong family and friends that I wouldn't trade for anything. I do consider myself blessed.
I am working on my health issues that include diet (gluten free :( yikes! Oh, bread, wherefore my bread?!) and I'm looking into things like essential oils too, so I'll let you know how all that goes all in good time. But stress is my biggest culprit and I need to learn how to deal with stress, before it engulfs me any further.
I used to call myself a "walking curse" (even recently) and I've decided to stop. I need to stop owning trials as if I'm cursed. I need to stop questioning God as to why He created me in the first place. I need to live in the Truth that I am here, by His will. I've been reading lots of C.S. Lewis as of late.
"We are, not metaphorically but in very truth, a Divine work of art, something that God is making, and therefore something with which He will not be satisfied until it has a certain character." C.S. Lewis, Problem of Pain
He also explains how when we desire for Him to leave us be, when it comes to the pain of trials and tests, that we are not asking for more love, we are asking for less.
"The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell." CS Lewis
"Be careful what you wish for." takes on a deeper meaning when you read things like this.
I'm beginning to understand many other things that I've always thought of, but never was able to organize in my head. Which, of course, is leading me to deeper questions, but that's part of following Christ. It makes me miss my dad all the more, wishing I could prod at his brain for his thoughts and wisdom on such subjects. Thank God for patient friends!
Yes, this is a dark season for me, but hopefully soon, as promised, the dawn will find my face.
My latest chorus follows....
"As light of dawn finds my face,
whispers of Your love, for your beloved.
You shape my soul at Your pace,
whispers of Your love. Here I am.
I am she. "
