Source of Suffocation

Before I got out of the van, I knew what we were about to see. I was ok, content, knowing that whatever happened, it would be God-driven. I prepared all my "wingdings" on proper etiquette in such an environment. (which only lasted the first hour) We came through the doors not recognizing a lot of people. Faces that seemed maybe vaguely familiar, but not certain. We stood in line. I held my son's hand, stepping closer every few minutes. I prepared the kids for who they were about to see and what it meant to be here, now.

She saw me and suffocated. I wanted to cut in line and grab her so she could breathe, but I couldn't. I composed. I watched pictures go by on a screen, soaking in the realness of the moment. I looked her way, as she talked with others, relieved, she too, had composed somewhat. 

We arrived. I held my children's hands as I told them, "See? There's baby Brenna. She is in heaven now." Isaiah said she looked so pretty. Eve was so curious. Tesh? stayed safe in her father's arms.

He clinched onto my husband. Two fathers, crying the same tears. Knowing that they knew eachother's pain, before even speaking a word. She saw me once again, and suffocated. This time, I could hold her. Two mother's, crying the same tears. Knowing that we knew eachother's pain, before even speaking a word. My tears washed my face. Her pain was my pain. Their pain was our pain.

Fellowship.

Although these are truly friends of ours, we knew our ultimate worth, at this moment, weighed heavy on the fact that we, too, have suffocated and lived to tell the story.

I told him to breathe, and he quickly asked "How?"

I had no answer for him.

I wanted to answer him.... but I had nothing. Nothing to give, but my fellowship. ((and hugs))

There were many tears shed between us. Their honesty was refreshing, but it burned at the same time. I don't suffocate much anymore. Time has allowed space for breathing. But seeing them tonight, watching their family, they have a 2 year old as well. (Isaiah was 2 when we lost Sarah.) It was like looking at a mirror. We were taken back in time, remembering everything.

The rawness.... the emotions that go through your head. Going from crying so much you can't breathe, to not being able to cry. Going from laughing, to anger. Going from sitting still, not moving cause you have no energy, to having the urge to run away. You suffocate. Your heart literally screams. It's like screaming under water. No one else can hear you. You look at eachother thinking... "how are we going to get through this? do I even want to get through this?"

I felt my baby move within me and I have pretty much made it to full term. I have so much to be thankful for. Eve went up so many times, cause she wanted to see baby Brenna again, she was just so curious. Isaiah was entertaining girls with a bug. Tesh is a healthy, playful little diva, despite what she's gone through. And Sarah is safe. I have so much to be thankful for.

As we prayed over this couple, desperate cries were made. This father, was preparing a sermon for his daughter's funeral. In his eyes, he is a wreck. But what I saw, was a Pastor that had a humility that all pastors should have when readying for a sermon. He wanted to make sure that his message was heard, cause it was the message of Christ, seen through his daughter's life. Resulting to her death here on earth, but that she lives because of Christ. God has him in this perfect place cause he is, after all, the senior pastor of his church, and has a congregation dying to know what he has to say.

May God take you over, Jeriah, and use you to the fullest. May God give you peace, Shawna, and use you to the fullest. May God give big sister Hannah the awareness that only amplifies the natural awareness of a child's faith. Breathe, and know that He will take care of the rest.  

Baby Brenna Lynn. 12/20/11 - 2/2/12

34 weeks and trying to stay positive....

So, I had a midwife appt. today and thought I might update everyone on how my pregnancy is going. As most of you know, I'm going for a VBAC at home, and although things have been going so well.. so far... they are starting to get a little rocky. Nothing too serious, just my crazy contractions. 3 days ago, I had 2 good hours of 4 minute apart contractions.  'Are you freaking kidding me?!"

My past self would freak out completely, call the midwives, they'd have me come in, to the hospital, hook me up to monitors as I sit in triage for hours, shoot me up with tributelene (a misspelled word that translates as a contraction stopping drug), then send me home, on drugs, to be put on bedrest until I'm 36 weeks.

I've decided with my "new" self, "new" perspective on my pregnancy (disclaimer: this is my 5th pregnancy, giving me the ability to know myself being pregnant) that during those contractions, I was simply going to sit, get my feet up, chug on some water, drink some chamomile tea, take 2 tylenols, and wait for them to subside. (hold your fingers a half an inch close together: I was that close to getting out a glass of wine to help calm them as well) There was a point where I was feeling a bit apprehensive, so I said a prayer for God to protect this baby and calm my uterus. Welp! I've said it before, and I'll say it again. God is good and He provides. Soon after that, the contractions calmed down and I knew my baby was safe.

Now, in light of my uterus being ridiculous, I'm putting myself on a "don't do a lot of house work, or anything else that normally keeps you on your feet" kind of rest. (... and for those that are thinkin it.... yeah, that too) When I'm 36.5 weeks, I can do whatever I want, but I do need to get there, none the less. I say that number cause I have to be very close to 37 weeks or more to birth at home.

My midwife did exactly what I needed her to do today. Calm my nerves about my contractions. She told me that when some women have an "irritable uterus", they contract, a lot, but they don't dilate, and are not necessarily at risk for preterm labor. That explanation was just what I needed to stay focused on the end prize. I seriously started having all these day-nightmares of me going into labor too early, having a NICU baby, and going through yet another, unhealthy infant struggling for it's life with all these plans of "God's design of what it's supposed to be like" stripped from me. I even told my husband that if I go into preterm labor, I want to be done for sure. (We really haven't made any decisions about when we'll "be done"... we'll see)

Baby is moving like crazy, trying to come out through my actual belly. Heart rate's in the 140s. Head is down at the moment, but that doesn't mean that baby won't move around a bit more. 36 weeks is when baby needs to settle head down for good. Apparently, a "basket ball" is just the perfect size for me, cause I'm measuring perfectly ;) I've gained a good 25 lbs. so far. So everything else is right on track. I have my "list" from the midwife to start collecting supplies for the wonderful journey I'm about to embark on, and I'm excited.

On the spiritual end of things, this is taking every ounce of self-control over my anxiety to keep moving forward, in faith. Moving forward is never the question, it's "how" you move forward. (cause I don't have special powers to stop time) I could move forward, in a mess. I could decide to grip onto the everything to try and take control and be skiddish and forget about enjoying the time I do have today. OR I can move forward in faith, which brings me peace. I have to let go of the concept of having control, cause God knows, I don't have control whether I think it or not. I must "Be still" quite literally, and know that He is on His throne and that whatever happens, He's got it. This is very hard to do when it's your own body that putting you through misery, and it's your baby's life that's at stake. I know, now, because of what God has done for us, what it feels like to have your heart ripped out and burned before your eyes, and what it feels like to drink the coolness of His mercy.

That leaves me in wonder. What will happen this time? Am I unknowingly walking into yet another fire that is going to press me even more? Or am I going to experience the greatest blessing and gift of having a natural birth, one that God designed to be a window into the ecstasy of His Love and Joy of the sacrifice that brings about precious life.

.... there's only one way to find out.....

Much Ado About Nothing.... 30 weeks and Christmas!

Although that movie is not one of my favorites, the saying rings true in almost anything of this world. I love my midwife. I love the atmosphere she creates in her care... this calm, let it happen, don't worry about things that aren't there, listen to your body and your instinct, your the mother and in control of your own baby, I've got your back, kind of care. It's wonderful. It leaves my pregnancy between us (Josh and I) and our Protector. As I'm into my last trimester, the inevitable braxton hicks starts kicking in at full force. I kind of like them cause it gives me LOTS of practice for staying calm and relaxed for actual labor, but it's not so fun when I'm unsure if I should be taking action against, "preterm labor" contractions that seem to collect almost every night. With the kind of care that this particular midwife is giving me, I'm able to calm down about them in my head, and know that "this is what I do... I have lots of contractions, all the time, and I will know when it's real labor or not. and until then.... DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT! Let them come and do their thing... they are as stubborn as you are"  ;) 

At my last appt. we discussed "the glucose test". I grumbled about it, and said, kidding, "Do I have to?" and she replied, "No" with this nonchalant look on her face. I asked, "Really??" We discussed it a little further, talking about my history of no gestational diabetes with all 4 pregnancies. That glucose test always makes me jittery and gives me headaches. Why do that to my body/and baby when there's no symptoms of the diagnosis for which I'm being tested for?   Which led me to saying, "Ok! No glucose test then!"

As I pass the mark for when I started "preterm-like contractions" being pregnant with #4, not having the "hype" (a.k.a. medical intervention and hours of sitting in triage, being sent home with medications) about whatever contractions I'm having now, I feel a bit of success as I wait for the next mark which would be 33 weeks. (preterm labor contractions with #3) I'm optimistic about it, which is new for me, but I think I'm getting a little better about this optimistic approach... (not good, just better, ha..) I'm bound and determined to NOT need to be on any "labor stopping meds" with this one. No bed rest would be nice too....

My ultrasound went very well. Baby is 2.5 lbs. :) Oh, .. and my placenta moved!! ... not sure how, but it did! Praise God! It's now 6 1/2 cm away from my cervix, for those of you who really wanted to know that. :) They couldn't tell if "cranio" was apparent, but I knew, by experience, that you can't really diagnose something like that with ultrasound, but I did go back and compare ultra sound photos from Tesh and this one, and I see a beautiful difference. Look at these ultra sound picks (all you "head pickers") See how Tesh's forehead is out a little and the back of her head is slanted funny? Then look at Baby #5's head... normal looking to me!

Baby Tesh- cranio-

Baby #5- normal looking head-

Baby is breech.... not worrying about that right now. This baby has been so active that I swear it's trying to come through my actual belly, always kicking and rolling around. My hubs had his hand resting on my belly last night, during a movie, and eventually he said, "Calm down kid!" ..lol... so I'm not worried and I'm TRUSTING God and this baby, that it's gonna go where it's supposed to go when it's time... however... it'd be nice for it to settle head down cause I've learned by my own experience that breech baby contractions hurt... they are very uncomfortable. It's like I can tell that something's off, so it didn't surprise me to hear that baby is breech.

I don't like 3D ultrasounds very much, baby's face is distorted because of the umbilical cord being in it's face, which baby was caught sucking on... yum...  but if you notice, baby's big toe is touching it's forehead. 

_________________________________________________________

On a Christmas note: it was pointed out to me that the song Silent Night was originally in German.
 
"It was Dec. 24th ,1818 in a small Austrian village called Oberndorf, just hours before Christmas mass and pastor Joseph Mohr was in a bind. His musical plans for the evening church service were ruined since the organ of his church (St. Nicholas Kirche) had broken down recently due to a recent flooding of the nearby river. What could he do? In a moment of inspiration, he grabbed a Christmas poem he had written two years earlier and quickly set off to the neighbouring village, where his friend Franz Gruber, the church organist, lived.

It is believed that Franz Gruber was able to produce on that night in just a few short hours, the first version of the world renowned Christmas hymn “Stille Nacht”." (http://german.about.com/od/christmas/a/StilleNacht.htm)
The literal translation: 
"Silent night, holy night. All is sleeping, alone watches only the close, most holy couple.
Blessed boy in curly hair, sleep in heavenly peace!

Silent night, holy night. Shepherds just informed by the angels' hallelujah,
It rings out far and wide: Christ the Savior is here!

Silent night, holy night. Son of God, oh how laughs love out of Your divine mouth,
Because now the hour of salvation strikes for us. Christ, in Thy birth!"

I absolutely love reading lyrics to old hymns such as these, cause there is usually theological depth to it. Most songs, today, don't have a lot of depth to them, not that they are bad, but just not as artistic as they could be, especially one with talents that are God-given to write such poetry. This song, in particular, is so sweet and simple, describing this.... silent night of holiness. My, personal, break down version: 

While everyone sleeps, there is something so extreme happening. Something so life-altering.

While everyone sleeps, the attention of the heavens is upon this couple, bringing forth this Child, but not just any child, the Son of God. 

While everyone sleeps, the angels are illuminating the sky, and singing with heavenly voices that Christ the Savior is indeed here. I would've loved to see that.

While everyone sleeps, our Savior "laughs Love", sounds His voice, through human mouth, for the first time, beginning His journey of the greatest sacrifice. At this point, does He know and understand His destiny? 

While everyone sleeps, the hour of salvation is upon us, the pivotal moment where we now have a choice to make. Will we follow and believe that this is real? Will we believe that this Son of God, born this night, will save us? 

While everyone sleeps, will you awake to His whisper, His mouth close to your ear, as a lover is close, saying your name? 

Even while everyone sleeps?

I love the lyrics to Relient K's song "I Celebrate the Day" - 

" .. and I celebrate the day, that You were born to die, so I could one day pray for You to save my life."  

Sarah's Angel Day.... #5

Me and sleeping Sarah in my arms

wow..... I underestimated my emotions today. I'm chalking it up to being pregnant, which this would be my first time dealing with pregnant hormones and getting through this crappy weekend, but I'm having a more depressing time than I thought I would. Maybe it was always easier cause this day would land on another day other than a weekend day? Maybe cause no body is puking their guts up this year, which seems to be the case every year, gearing my mind away from the terrible memories?
For those of you who don't know, or possibly don't remember, Sarah died on the Sunday afternoon, the week before Christmas. So not only is the day December 17 ringing in my ears, but the motions of going through a Sunday afternoon with family after church, one week before Christmas, is equally, if not more, painful for me.
The hubs and I got into this small stupid argument and it was like knives to my heart, even though it was over something so ridiculous, that we would have normally ended up laughing at within 2 mins., especially since in my frustration, a whole heap of papers fell as I'm trying to find what we were looking for, which after all the papers fell, there laid the folder we were seeking. I found myself being completely stubborn in my irritation and anger, and plummeting into even more of a depression. Of course, later we mended, which made things better, but my stubbornness is really getting the better of me. I've ignored the phone today, cause I don't want to speak. I know.... kailan? not wanting to speak? Of course, I'll write, text, email, FB, whatever,... but speaking? There's nothing to say without crying.... do I feel like crying to people right now? Or having them hear my quivering voice? nope. I'm sure they know I'm crying anyway, so I ignore the everpresent ringing of the phone from all my family and friends that are trying to contact us on this "day of days"...

which I will add... Thank you, all of you... even the name on the caller ID means a lot to me, knowing that you are thinking of us and of our grief together over Sarah.

I can't help but think about the "loss" part of Sarah right now. My mind is consumed in my grief at the moment. I don't want to do anything, but of course, I have to. I look at my kids and can't help but think about that day. A day much like today, when we were so unaware of what was about to happen. How are whole world was about to change. How naive we were that "it could happen to us".

Is ignorance bliss? Is awareness a gift? I know the answers, truly, but can't seem to feel them right now. My ruthless attitude of stubbornness is making me defiant from seeking the Truth in that she is safe in His arms.

I'm waiting for that slow motion turning of my heart to let go of meditating on the pain.  

You know when people don't look you in the eye cause they are angry and you take their face and force them to look at you? I can't stand my face being touched in such a way. That's a quick way to get me to push away even farther. He knows I hate it when people do that more than anything. However, I can feel His fingertips on my chin, but He's not forcing me to move, I have to let Him. I have to do my part in letting His soft touch of His fingertips comfort me knowing He truly wants to look into my eyes cause He loves me.

Why do I have to be so stubborn?!

I'll get there..... probably after I'm done publishing this post, having that weight off of me. it helps.

Tesh's 18 mos. post op check up :)

.... AND I'm officially in my third trimester, that puts me at 28 weeks today! Woohoo.. so far so good. I have an ultra sound around the corner that'll hopefully ensure no cranio for this one! And we got to check on that placenta, which I'm optimistic about. :) Anywho,

Tesh: She turned 2 in October and her post op appt. (being 18 mos. post op) was yesterday.
      As we were driving out of town, it was so foggy, actually, it was foggy the whole day, but sitting in a car, the fog was ever present. I was taken back for a moment to the time when we drove away from the Cavanaugh house after Dad died when I was 16. It was foggy, much like this. As we coasted along the interstate, we saw these circular set of lights in the sky... We all gazed at them in question as to what they were. As we drew closer, we realized they were new street lights. :) We all had to laugh about it, even though it had been only hours after I gazed upon my Dad's lifeless body. That moment is etched in my memory, so as we drive past all those circular set of lights in the fog, I can't help myself but to be drawn back to the fresh air of the "new normal".
      I was very optimistic about this appt...... for once! I knew that Tesh was healthy, and that her head had been doing so well, so far, that why would it go wrong now? right? I tried to hold tight to this logic, going against my nature of pessimism.
We arrived to the hospital, ...late, of course.... and went straight to the Xray appt. first. I was saddened at the reality that I couldn't go with Tesh inside the xray room, for obvious pregnant reasons, so I had to keep her in her father's arms. Which I think she kind of preferred, since she's been attached to him lately... .. trader... :) I could hear her screaming, as I knew they were strapping her down, and... if you know Tesh.... you know that's a big "no no". She really doesn't like being here.

not happy :( Her lip is out and everything.

We got to the NS's office. Dr. M felt her head, and sat in silence.... for what seemed like forever, but it was probably about 20 seconds, in reality. Of course, this is plenty of time for me to think of a million questions, "what is he thinking?" " what is he gonna say to me?" "is he trying to find words to let me down gently?" "is it that bad?" "is it not that bad and he's not wanting to freak me out?" "He's freaking me out!" "SAY SOMETHING!!"
   Then he starts talking, with a smirk on his face. He explains that she'll always have these "soft spots", we don't need to be worried about her playing with having those soft spots, and he'll see us back in 2 years. What?! All that silence for that?.... well, I guess I'll take it. The weight melted off quickly as I realized what he was saying. I had to hear it still though, I asked, "So the xrays look good then?" He replies with a smile" Yes, they look very good. She is doing very well, especially for being only 18 mos. post op." Phew!!! What a relief, not only is she doing well, but better than well. I'll take that too!!

See the grey in the middle of the top of her skull? That's the "gel" bone still, not fused bone :)

Here's her lumpy profile. Forever lumpy... :)

 Then he starts small talk, which I thought was weird. Of all of a sudden, he's asking Isaiah where he's taking daddy to lunch. What neurosurgeon has time to have small talk like this? He must be having a good day himself... later it made us wonder if he sat in silence like that just to get a bit of a rise out of us, since it was such good news... you gotta think, that's probably the most entertainment he gets out of his job, since it's normally so serious. :)

University of Iowa Hospital Skywalk

     We left, Josh and I looking at eachother in relief, giving high fives....(yes, we do that still) and enjoying the rest of the day, knowing that at this moment everyone in our family is safe. ..... safe. What a wonderful feeling. One of those "heaven" moments. .....safe. No worries, enjoying life to it's fullest.... safe.

    





Of course, we stopped at Huhot.... Did you know there's a Huhot in Iowa City? We do!! It's on my top favorite restaurants list.

Isaiah took this picture. Me and Eve.

Eve, actually, took this one. She did very well!

Sisters lovin on eachother!

All of them lovin on eachother. This captures them perfectly.

Me and Eve being serious. Isaiah and Tesh being goofy.

Ok, fine! Let's all by goofy!!

Then, we stopped in the Amana's, which we love to do. Our normal places at the "The Chocolate Haus" and the wineries, trying different wines, and/or buying cheese and crackers.
       All in all, it was a great long day with great family time. The kids were really good during the whole thing. Yes, we cart all our kids around when we go to appt.s. It's actually really good for them. They like coming along and Isaiah learns so much and asks all these questions, stealing the hearts of every nurse he comes across. :)

If you've been following my blog at all, I'm sure you've read the stress around us. The family I talked about last post is still breathing through their "new normal".

Also, a very close friend of mine, recently had a miscarriage, that broke my heart. This was the very woman that fell to my feet when we lost Sarah, and now, I was holding her. It was her moment of brokenness and at first, she didn't want me around because of my belly (which I couldn't blame her although it broke my heart not to be able to be there for her) , but later, she allowed me to be there with her, she knew I loved her and that I knew her pain. She, too, is breathing....

This Saturday, December 17th, is Sarah's 5th "Angel Day". Missing her will never subside. 

I count my blessings. Oh, Lord, I count the blessings. Embracing Your plan can be so hard sometimes, but I am thankful for moments of Your peace and calm....
.....so for the Wings this Christmas, I am reminded that we are safe....

Breathing Through Another Tragedy

My husband and Josh scoping out their family farm. April '11

My husband is a youth pastor. Monday night, Nov. 21st, one of his students died. The student's name is Joshua Leo. Josh made a bad decision, experimenting with the high you get when one passes them self out. What he didn't know, is that it was going to end in a permanent fatal mistake. All this has broken all the hearts that knew Josh. It didn't make sense, it didn't seem fair, it crushed the hearts that were closest to him, it brought sorrow to anyone that heard of it.
Josh was a great kid. He was 13, and in 7th grade, which meant that he was just starting youth group this year, allowing us to get to know him better. He was a wild card with a permanent smile on his face. He had his hand in everything, from sports, to arts, to music, to volunteering, to destruction, to creation. ;) He loved so quickly and willingly. Everyone that knew him, loved him instantly. He was just one of those kids.

His death brought so many things to my husband and I. There were so many elements involved that made this situation extremely "stretching" for us.

There was a bit of history with this family. I will not post details, because that would be disrespectful of me, but I will tell you that there was a conflict that came about that separated us from Josh's parents. A conflict that had nothing to do with us, but effected us. In consequence, we hadn't spoken to the parents in months prior to Josh's death. But of course, even with this element, Josh still came to youth group to learn more and be in fellowship with other believers. What a grace-filled young man.

When we found out that Josh had died, our hearts were so heavy. We both cried so much, and were deeply grieved not only about Josh, but about the fact that we didn't feel that we could comfort this family with our own arms. We did not know if they would feel our hugs as if it were poison. So we waited, praying fervently for an open door. After a day of no answer, I decided I would plan to go see his mom, who, at one point, was my good friend, hoping that she'd remember my love for her. 2 days after hearing of Josh's death (the day I planned on going to see them), Josh's father called my husband, and through his tears, asked him to officiate his son's funeral. We both cried humbling tears, knowing that God had answered our prayers, and is allowing us to come and love on them. So my husband and I, together, went to see them.

I can't even explain the scene. If you've lost someone extremely close to you, you will already know the suffocating feeling of despair. If you haven't, then all my words would be just words.... for now.

Death like this can make a tall strong man crumble into his own lake of tears. Death like this can make a mother question the very nurturing woman that God intended her to be, raising doubt, if she even deserved her children. Death like this can make a sibling either step into a position that makes them the rock for this family or it can create an angry shell of guilt and confusion.

We spent time with the family on several occasions, hugging them, crying with them, listening to their stories, and one night, while reminiscing about birth stories and childhood stories, threw us into belly laughter that created the oasis before the harsh days ahead filled with services.

As my husband and I trotted along this whole situation, we, ourselves, were sent into roller coasters of emotion.  Not only were we humbled by reconciling with this family once again, we were honored to be a part of this family and to be a part of honoring Josh in this way. Not only were we grieving Josh, but we were grieving Sarah, my dad, and my cousins. Not only were we horrified for the family members that had to see Josh in the condition that he was when he died, but we were remembering the horror around the deaths that we experienced as well. I remember when Brad, my cousin, died, his wife had to bust down the door that was locked between them. Josh's brother had to bust down a board to get his brother down from where he was, so he could start CPR. We had to handle Sarah's body as we desperately tried to bring her back, this family handled Josh's body as they desperately tried to bring him back. There were similarities that we could understand, but could not imagine grieving the very loss that they specifically were feeling. Another element to all this was the fact that my husband has never officiated a funeral before. This would be his first. The only other experience he has, speaking at a funeral, was giving a sermon at our daughter's funeral.

The visitation was overwhelming. People stood in line for 2 hours, just to give their love to this family. At one point I asked the parents how they were doing. The mom started crying once again, and said, "I'm feeling so much love here." That warmed my heart, knowing that the body of Christ was at work. For 6 hours, they stood there, crying, and being embraced by all these people who cared for them.

The funeral was beautiful. The stories that were being told, were so nice to hear. Some were sad, lots were funny. There was this particular young boy that went up, with all his bravery. Cried, and told us how great of a kid Josh was, and that his parents did a great job raising their son. That meant the world to these parents. There was not one person that didn't mention Josh's persistent smile. My husband gave a good sermon, embracing the moment that Josh's parents and we wanted to soak up while this tragedy set into all the young hearts in the room. This was the road that God paved so we could reach these young naive hearts. He already had Josh's heart, now He was using him more than ever. Even someone's death can be used to arouse the living. That's the beauty of life in Christ. Josh does live because of the blood of Jesus. That is where our hope is, and that's the message that we want to spread. Because of Love, there is Life.

Being at the burial site, was hard. There was a part at the end, where we sat in silence, listening to my husband play his guitar quietly, and everyone gazed upon Josh's beautiful wooden box that held his cremated remains. His oldest sister passed around beautiful red roses to various people. Her coming towards me, I humbly received one, once again, feeling honored to be a part of such a fellowship.

Most of everyone left after a bit, leaving Mom and Dad, oldest daughter, my husband and I, and the funeral director. As the funeral director uncovered Josh's grave, his oldest sister handed his box to her mother. They set the box down into the ground. I'll never forget this moment. His mother, with one hand on her son's precious box with his remains inside, her face planted on the ground above, she wept great painful tears. Her husband, Josh's father crying with her, with his hand on her back, kneeling opposite her.

What a painful moment. What a beautiful moment. Pain, in all it's beauty, grief in all it's glory, oneness....

I watched them as they held each other, and I saw a piece of God. They were breathing......

 

Josh trying to get Tesh to accept a kiss from their lamb. April '11

I was taken back by my caption that I just posted under this picture. How fitting. Josh's life and death is being used by God to get His children to accept a kiss from His Lamb.

5 Month Ultra Sound. Start of Many?

I'm just giving everyone an update about 'what's going on with Kailan." :)

baby #5's profile while sucking on the base of it's hand.

I'm 5 months along, and watching my belly move! This pregnancy has been going very well, very uneventful, which is a good thing. I'm still tired all the time, but not really sick anymore. The hubby and I are still very excited  about doing this home birth and continue planning, having faith that all will be fine.
I had my ultra sound at 21 weeks to check on baby's development, and I'll be honest, there have been some new anxieties, but I'm trying to keep them at bay, cause I'm understanding they are not that big of a deal. One of the things we had to check on, during the ultra sound, was the placement of the placenta. If the placenta was planted over my scar from the previous c-section, then I would not be able to birth at home, possibly not be able to birth normally because of the high risks involved. We found the placenta is placed along my backside, so that was a blessing. It is also 2 cm away from my cervix. The tech said that the placenta needs to be 2 1/2-3 cm away from the cervix, in order to safely labor and deliver, but she assured me of the good chance that it "should" stretch up as my uterus stretches. ok.......  (kailan, please hear her say," it should stretch up" and hold onto that) Yes, I have to self-talk sometimes.
The good news so far about the head of this baby, is I saw with my own eyes OPEN SUTURES! Never in my life have I looked for openings in my babies heads in utero, but seeing those open sutures made me say it out loud, "Look! It's not a cranio baby!" The Tech agreed, but of course, had to interrupt my excitement with,  "But... we'll have to do another ultra sound later in your pregnancy to do a recheck on that head cause sometimes it's hard to tell this early and it'll be more definite."  (which I've been told, very rarely can you tell on ultra sounds if there is, indeed, fusion.) ...... (?)....... anywho, moving on.







This has been a rough couple of weeks for me, as I journey through this pregnancy, trying to hold my head up, dealing with all the chaos of life, but also being confronted with another's grief. Some dear friends of mine, lost their baby Gabe at 21 weeks gestation, I believe 4 years ago. As I sat with this mother, one recent morning, we were talking about Gabe and all the tragic events that took place surrounding his death. My heart hurt, knowing what it's like to lose a baby, but also because the baby inside of me at that moment was Gabe's age. The love I feel for this baby already overwhelms me, and to know that it was at this time that she lost her baby boy, broke my heart in many ways. I'm sad for them as they face certain milestones still, but also, empathy is dripping from me. What a blessing Gabe is, truly. These friends are in ministry with us, and the faith that they carry through the life and loss of their son Gabe is so honoring to God. I believe this about Sarah, as I believe it about Gabe, ... they did not need to live this long life in order to honor God, "they were made for worship". Define worship? True worship is completely giving ourselves over to our Creator. Gabe now dances with his King, no pain, no tears, pure joy.

Of course, it leaves us with pain, but this kind of pain never leaves us, always reminding us that life, here on earth, is but a vapor. We are His children, seeking His will, living His will as best we can, as bondservants, no matter how crippled our legs are, nothing will take us from our Father's hand.