Remembering My Nightmares Are Real

I just finished watching a movie.... it was supposed to be your average chick flick, or so I thought. Very quickly I realized that there was a familiar element to this drama... a baby had died. Within the first 10 minutes of the movie, it tells us of this history, but I kept watching, convinced that it was a one time "thing"? (sure it'd come up a little later, but lightly... right?) ...

wrong.

As the story unfolds, flashbacks occur, and I find myself wrapped in these scenes that I can't shut out. The main character had so many emotional problems surrounded by her baby's death. She kept flashing back with what happened, facing the present with people's ignorant accusations and hurtful conversations. She would lash back at them with blind hate, all because she refused to see anything or anyone outside of her. I know this. I know her hate. I know her grief. I know her wandering.

There was a scene where she was flashing back to her last moments with her baby girl. She was nursing and fell asleep. She awoke with her baby still on her chest, but to her dreadful surprise, her baby wasn't breathing. The scene showed her panic when she realized this and she desperately tried to get her to breathe. Then she came back to present time, carrying a guilt that she must've killed her baby by accident. I know her guilt. I know her suffocation.

There was another scene later where a doctor looked over the autopsy report, per her husband's request after he had learned of his wife's guilt, so she might finally be free of it. The doctor assured her with every trace of evidence, that she, in fact, did NOT kill her baby. She said there is always evidence of suffocation or smothering, and there was nothing, that's why they deemed it SIDS. This poor mother cried with great relief and heart ache all over again. I know her relief. I know her shredded heart.

The movie ended.

I turned the tv off with tears still in my eyes from bursts of crying. My husband, the only person in the whole wide world that knows the exact heart ache I feel, (with a sigh of pity that I stumbled on such a movie), takes my hand and kisses it.

I really should be in bed. It's really late. But I've been taken back to one of my most desperate times, and having trouble bouncing back to present day.

 It will be 7 years this year. Her birthday's around the corner. My heart, right now, aches as if it's only been 7 weeks, maybe even 7 days. There's just some things you never forget. The way she smiled. The way she felt. The love. That last moment with her. The shock. The trauma. The lost-ness. The screaming. The endless tears. The hate. The denial. The guilt. The relief. The wandering.

Not many know this, but I'm still working on separating Christmas and her death. There's still things I work through that keep my journey continuing. To learn how to live with the grief.

7 years. The world thinks that it's been enough time for me to move on and breathe easy. There's no truth in that. I was reassured tonight that I can be brought back "there" in a second. and I'm still sitting here trying to catch my breath.

Woes of an Irritable Uterus

My husbands alarm clock goes off, only slightly waking me enough to feel his body slowly reach over mine to shut it off. I sense him hovering over me to get out of bed. I roll over, breathing through yet another contraction, holding my 26 week along belly, thinking, "please. please. let this be a better day."

I fall back asleep.

I awake again to the sounds of little voices outside my bedroom, coming from the living room. My head is in a fog, but I managed to sit up, sliding my feet off the bed to the floor. I feel another contraction. It finally lets up for me to go to the bathroom and then waddle my way into the kitchen, passing the commotion of the very awake household of my 4 children. As I make eggs and oatmeal, I stand with a tightness, where there is no beginning and end, by belly is simply tight. My body aches from being hunched over most of the time, but it's the only way I can move around with all the tightness.

Breakfast is served and I finally am able to sit down to my own food. I breathe through more tightness. One by one collecting my pills for the day, (whether it be vitamins, supplements, or meds) I know I'm doing all this for the greater cause. A healthy baby.

The day goes slow as I sit and relax as much as I can, feeling guilty for making my 8 year old son take so much care of his one year old sister. I'm so proud of him, but I know that he is getting tired. My husband is getting tired. As I am getting tired.

Irritable Uterus. That diagnosis is so stressful, yet not detrimental. I know things could be worse. I could lose another baby. I could have the baby this early and she have huge health issues. But I know, as of now, a healthy baby sits inside me. Waiting, like me, for the day she arrives. The contractions tantalize me. They lie to me, nagging anxiety within me, forcing me to seek out the trust of Who is bigger than this. There is never a day that goes by that I don't have contractions, reminding me what I naturally worry about anyway. Truth is, these contractions make me a bigger risk of going into preterm labor. Is that a promised state? no. Truth is, because of a possible premature delivery, I could birth a premature unhealthy baby or worse, lose another baby. Is that a promise? no. Can these contractions send me into labor? they could.

Do I need to worry enough about them to do something? yes. But of course, truth is.. don't worry too much because after all, stress aggravates the contractions as well.

Where's my boundaries?

I didn't know this before yesterday, but there are online support groups out there for "irritable uterus'". It's THAT stressful and confusing and so much guess work, leaving every mother and medical professional playing russian roulette with what might work or what the outcome will be.

I'm tired. I'm trying. It makes me feel guilty that I can't do more as I sit and try to relax, trying to calm contractions that are never ending. Always nagging.

I'm so thankful for the husband I have and the kids I have. They make this whole experience at least tolerable. I was crying to my husband last night about all my anxiety over what's happening. I was complaining about how sick I was for so long in the beginning and then to turn around to these contractions that basically are putting me on a modified bedrest. He quickly proclaims, "You had a "good" month there." Yeah.. a good month.. of not as sick and not yet contracting like crazy. I guess I'll take it.

sorry. I'm just a little down with all this. Trying to live life, but taking this season slow because I simply can't do it right now. Prayer is always appreciated. For my contractions to calm, and my spirit to be lifted in this time.

I'm a lot earlier starting all these contractions than I've ever been with any of the pregnancies. So it's gonna take a small miracle to get me to 37 weeks. I'm starting to count down the weeks. I have 11 more weeks to get to safety for my home birth. I need to start self-talking, "I will make it."

Little Red Book: Painful Benefit

I keep hearing a message that people look at "Christianity" as something that may benefit them. (worldly speaking) This is probably true of some people, but for me, I have a hard time embracing that for myself. Not because I'm ashamed to admit it but because it just doesn't ring true for me. Simply said, being a christian has brought about so many trials that I've had to persevere that I am far from seeing the worldly benefit. I don't remember a time where I even thought of it as a benefit, other than.. "when I die, I go to heaven." I grew up kinda poor and knew it. I saw death at a young age, I've had to stand watching my father's body fail, I've survived cousins committing suicide, holding my own daughter's body, desperately trying to bring her back. So much pain that has continued in my life, I've had to learn to stand on crippled legs because of my faith. Being burned and betrayed by parts of the "church" itself. Working so hard, just to make ends meet.Sickness. Bitterness. Depressive people.  Do people still see it as an earthly benefit? 

Remembering all the trials I've gone through, knowing there's so many more ahead, God help me... What keeps me going then? 

I guess,.. I've found an intimacy in pain. He has my attention. He has given me a heart that desires bringing heaven to this hellish earth. I'm not just "going to heaven" when I die. (although God knows I can't wait for the day) But I've been given a power, I've held all along, to be able to be a part of bringing that piece of heaven, that piece of kingdom, that piece of God's love here and now. And that's the benefit. There's my sustaining hope. 

A power that is not my own light. It belongs to Him, it's a part of Him. He puts it in me, so I can use it, grow it, give it, and best of all... drink from it "with" others. 

Little Red Book: Parachute

I just heard an analogy that if you and another person were on an airplane and you put your parachute on, trying to convince the "other guy" to put his on, he'll think you're crazy. 

I disagree.... you're on an AIRPLANE! If someone starts putting a parachute on, of course, you're gonna think, "I should put mine on too!!"

But...

what if...

...you were standing on the ground and walked with a parachute on... THEN people would think you are crazy, as you try to convince them to put theirs on as well....

... but what they don't realize is... 

the ground 

will

fall.

Little Red Book: Created for Fellowship

Why were we created?

Were we originally created for fellowship? "Let Us make man in Our own image". They are 3. They are in complete fellowship. Is that the image He speaks of? 

And fellowship, in it's purest sense, is glorifying to God. It is pleasing to Him. It spreads His love as He intended it to. "Good, in and of itself", a good friend once said.

We honor Him by how we live... by how we fellowship.

Because of the fallen world we live in, that fellowship is under attack. 
Violence.
Betrayal. 
Abuse. 
Neglect. 
Pride. 
Bitterness.
All these things, selfish, attack fellowship to it's core. 

Jesus' most simple commandment that He wanted us to know, that was most important was/is, "To love God and love others."

So what is our purpose? 

Because we love God we are to bring people back into fellowship with one another and consequently, that love expresses God's love.


In so doing, you are glorifying God.

Little Red Book: Complete and Restored

You'll like these. Most of them are short and sweet because they are notes from my little red notebook, I keep in my purse. My little red notebook is always with me, wherever I go, ready for me to take advantage of it. It's like a little special friend because it wants me to write. Whatever I'm thinking, whatever I'm feeling, what I hear, what I see, it wants to know. It's wants to be written on. I've decided to share some of my notes with you, little by little, so when you see "Little Red Book" in the title of the post, you'll know it's kailan's random thoughts from her notebook. Enjoy.



Did you know the word perfection means "complete"? 

Carrying out God's will.... completely... being made complete... having complete love... 

The Greek word καταρτιζω (katartizo) "perfect" means: complete thoroughly, repair, fit, frame, mend, prepare, restore

The Greek word καταρτιομος (katartismos) "perfect" means: complete furnishing 

It's interesting to me that every time I see the word "perfect" or "perfection" around the world, we think of perfection like not too skinny or not too fat. We think of clothes that match. We think of desirable hair or skin...... or any feature really. So when we see the word "perfect" in scripture, by nature, we see a beautiful angel that has all those desirable features. Am I the only one that does that?

One day, my cousin was sitting next to me and told me that she heard that the word perfect sometimes means complete. My mind went far with this concept, within seconds. I researched it and sure enough, every time the word perfect or perfection is used, it means complete, repaired, mended, restored, etc.

Reframe our eyes...

Matthew 5:48 "Therefore you are to be perfect, as our heavenly Father is perfect."

John 17:23 "I in them, and Thou in Me, that they may be perfected in unity, that the world may know that Thou didst send Me, and didst love them, even as Thou didst love Me."

I Corinthians 13:10 "... but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away."

2 Corinthians 12:9 "And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me."

Colossians 3:14 "And beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity."

1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love." -:19 "We love, because He first loved us."

Home+Learning+Cupcakes= Intelligence... It Makes Sense To Me

Hello. My name is Kailan. I make cute babies, sing and play ukulele, am slowly becoming a book hoarder, sometimes laugh at inappropriate times, (of course, in my head, it's totally appropriate) will confidently eat cookie dough that has raw egg in it, and I homeschool my children.

I love having my kids at home. I love being able to be the one to teach them. It's not all cupcakes and cool science projects... of course... God knows I'd love to have cupcakes everyday but more importantly I, as an adult, still fail science. yikes. ~my failure at science really hurts my nerd rank too :(

 Josh teaches it... moving on!

Disclaimer: Someone once asked me, in amazement looking at my situation with having all these babies AND homeschooling, "How do you get all of it done?" I honestly said, "I don't. I try my best, but I know not all of "it" gets done." But I've learned that our best is all that's truly asked of us by our King, no matter what society thinks of it.

I went to a conference a few months ago for homeschooling families. (www.homeschoolingiowa.org) I love it because it's Christian based and puts the focus right where it needs to be. Not only teaching academics but teaching character, raising them up to show God's love.

So, at this conference, there are workshops for us parents that basically instruct us how to better our skills to teach our children. They are so encouraging and practical, making me feel this big weight of society off of me and back into the true reality that I am built to teach my own children. There are so many misconceptions of what homeschooling looks like and the biggest misconception I've heard from various parents is, "I wouldn't be able to teach them."  Obviously, there are circumstances that make a parent unable to homeschool their children. I do respect parents for their own decisions, so don't hear this as judgement. It's when people own the false discouragement that stops them from doing something they'd be really good at.

Something interesting that I learned at the conference, in particularly, is the 8 intelligences. Now some of you may know about these, but I didn't, sitting their listening to the speaker, I was amazed at the concept of this truth. There are 8.

1. Intrapersonal- self-aware, self-smart. These people can stand against the crowd and make great entrepreneurs.      *energy fact- they energize by being alone*

2. Interpersonal- people smart. These people make great counselors and pastors.   *energy fact- they energize by being around people*

3. Naturalist- outdoors smart. nature and animal smart. These people are very observant of their surroundings outside.  *energy fact- they energize by being ... hm.. outdoors? ;) *

4. Musical- um... this one is pretty self explanatory. These people love music, are good at making music, they know music.   *energy fact- they energize by music. period. *

5. Spatial- this one was a little trickier for me because the spectrum is so broad. Space. Color. Images. Finding lost things. Design. The "packers" (meaning they are the ones that can pack anything into a suitcase and make it fit). So.. these people are artists, architects, designers, and also good with legos..... anywho. *energy fact- they energize by getting their minds busy with such activities.*

6. Kinesthetic- motor skills. hands on. These people are your athletes, dancers, laborers, cake decorators, and yes, even your brain surgeons. Another broad spectrum, I suppose. *energy fact- they also are energized by partaking in such activities*

And the last 2, but not least, but also equally, not "better" (as society has put the weight of the importance of these 2 intelligences, on our heads as superior) are:

7. Linguistic- words. reading, writing. These are our poets.  *energy fact- they energize by reading and/or writing*

8. Mathematics- logic. numbers. These people have all those boring, er I mean, exciting professions like accounting... and what .. not...  *energy fact- these people literally energize by playing number games.. it's sad, but true.*


So... I'm looking at all 8 of these and the speaker is encouraging us of the truth that we have smart kids. All of us do! Each and every one of them has a few or more of these intelligences that we can already see in even these young ages.

Factoid: We actually own all 8 within our brains, but some are strengths and some are weaknesses, that always leave room for improvement in either spectrum. If you are good- you can get better.
If you are bad- you can get better.

As my mind was open to the fact that even though my kids do have certain struggles, I was seeing the truth in the fact that these other intelligences even existed. Society has put this huge weight on if you are literary or wicked with numbers, that you are a genius. But what about the person that makes beautiful music, or the aspiring botanist, or the person that is perfect with his sport, or the person that paints, or the dog whisperer, or the really annoying business man, and let's not forget the blessed cooks? What of those? They are geniuses too!

As this was supposed to be a workshop to encourage my outlook on our children, I was realizing it was making me look at myself different too. It was making me realize that I am intelligent, just in my own unique way. (ugh... can't tell you how many times I've had to spell check the very word intelligent in this post.. anywho.. moving on)

All my growing up, I've been told, not directly, (and certainly NOT by my parents) by the school system and society that I am not smart. I believed it all these years. It was like a veil was lifted over my face. Kailan, sweet child of God, you are smart and He made you smart because He wants you to make music and to sing, and paint, and stand against the crowd. It wasn't until these last few years of my life that I started writing and really reading a lot and understanding what these books are saying.

All this to say that homeschooling isn't just for my kids. I teach them what they need to know as best as I can, and in so doing, I learn so much more about myself.

What are your intelligences? :)

It's fun, isn't it?  ok.. maybe your fun isn't my fun, but hey... who doesn't like to find out how ridiculously smart they are? ;)