Staycation Turns into Staycrashstation... How Spontaneous Are You Feeling Today?

So my little family did a staycation.... meaning = we had no money, we have tons of children, hubby has some vacations days and viola! You have the ever so creative "staycation!" We decided to hit several parks here in Des Moines and picnic at each one. (and the added perk.... we sleep in our own beds... ahhh.... )

At first it was really really fun. The kids were having a blast going to all these places they've never been before (that are only like... 5-15 minutes away from home... I know... sad).  They LOVED the idea of picnicing at the parks. Most of the mornings... er... days... we wouldn't get out of the house till noon, but still, my children insisted on a picnic! Insisted!! So there I was, packing everything up so we could picnic. We even made it to the Capitol. They were in stars. I loved watching their faces light up at the awe of the place. Then later, a couple days in, came the interruptions and the tantrums... everything started caving in on our staycation; people finding us, work emergencies, and eventually my carefree staycation was put to a halt.

A good friend of mine messaged me while I was throwing an adult sized tantrum in the privacy of my own home and simply said, "How spontaneous are you feeling today?" Bless her heart, she had no idea I was throwing my fit, and she knows KNOWS I'm not your spontaneous person. Surprises are usually NOT a good thing. Romance can't even have at it. I'd be nervous the whole time thinking I need to be doing something or that I forgot something. Girls gotta mentally prepare, you know? Anywho.

I was taken back by her simple message. I looked at the hubs who was in a quiet state as I tried to collect myself and told him what the message said. "How spontaneous are you feeling today?" We both laughed about it. It was like... crazy laughter. I mean, how ironic is it that things like this happen when someone pops into your day and accidentally slaps you with a 'grace' stick or a 'get over yourself' stick, or in my case at that point, a 'calm the frick down' stick.

"How spontaneous are you feeling today?"

If fact, her spontaneous message was the spontaneity that I needed. I did inquire further as to what she meant and of course I had to slap her back with a big fat N.O. and she understood, but that phrase was still lingering in my heart. Resentment crept in with anyone that interrupted our little family staycation, even towards my own husband who couldn't help it, even towards our kids that made us feel even guiltier for plans not being carried out. I turned into one hot mess.

So while all that was simmering, we still had time to do one last little picnic. So as I stood at the counter in my kitchen, cutting away at meats and cheeses, my son comes to me and says, "Is there someone to blame?" oh geezz... here we go. (mind you, my husband is still quiet because he knows I'm still simmering)

I replied to my son, "That isn't the point. Life just sucks."
"Life sucks?"
"Yep, life just sucks."
My husband just walked passed us as I said that and gave me a quiet lecture on how I'm responding.
Ok, fine I'll try a little harder... "So things happen in life that suck all the time. Plans get changed, people change their minds, people die, disasters happen. There's nothing we can do about it, they just happen. All we can do is try to spin it for the better. We have to find ways that we can spread love even in the suckiness and then... maybe it won't suck so bad." Ugh.. yes. I know. I'm talking to myself too.

At that moment, my son started helping me without my needing to ask for it. He stopped complaining about the plans that got totally derailed and his countenance lifted. You could tell he was trying. Now it was my turn to mirror that.

"How spontaneous are you feeling today?"

So we tried to make the most of our day, and by that afternoon, I was kissing my husband good-bye. And trying not to kiss our staycation good-bye, we ate junkfood, watched "Honey I Shrunk The Kids" (their first time) and I beat them righteously at the game Othello. Over and over. :) We pulled the couch-bed out and passed out.

And repeat the next day.

And ya know? Even though it didn't turn out the way I wanted it too, there's some really great memories that will be brought up for years to come. Enjoy the pictures below, of just a few of the places we were!

This was an egg shaped structure in Clare and Miles Mill Rose Gardens. It was pretty neat. 

Isaiah working on a painting project. He picked his favorite roses to paint. 

Eve and Tesh are working on their paintings, while baby Ruth finds leaves most interesting. 

How could we NOT do this!!! :D During this moment our 4 yr old was behind us (you can't see her)
throwing a fit. Eve was trying to trying to calm the 2 yr old in the stroller, and the baby is eating more leaves. Our 9 year old took the picture :) 

Ah! All of them. How lovely! I actually got a better picture, I just thought this one was share worthy.
Who wants to look at all the nice ones, right? 

A playground with no plastic playground equipment at Sargent Park. Nature's playground! They loved this one!
Me? lots of hiding places. I told Josh that if we were teens, this would be a good make out spot. Ha! 

The Capitol Building! Isaiah's words, "This is the best day of my life!" 

Ahh... their eyes just sparkled with all sorts of wonder. :) 

Of course we hit up Granny's Sweet Freeze Shoppe to cap it off! 

One big surviving family! 

 How spontaneous are you feeling today?

My progress is my own progress. Can't take that away from me.

You remember last year when I was complaining about how the grass is always greener on the other side? (not just a metaphor, the grass is literally greener on the other side of the fence..... oh that's right... because they have GRASS!)

I didn't even know potato plants had blossoms.

So I've been slaving away at this garden of mine, studying up on what works and what obviously doesn't. I've been learning so much about our yard, the dirt, the trees, the bugs, the poison ivy infested mulch! (how lovely) 

Any time I talk to anyone about gardening, they all start going on about how big everything has gotten in their own gardens. How the garden is being overtaken by certain (edible) plants. OVERTAKEN!!! I look over to the "grass is greener" yard (why do I do this to myself?) and see an even greener pasture. "Oh look.... how cute... they have a garden now too.... " Why don't they just post a neon sign pointing to my yard that says, "Black thumb of death! Come and take a peek! 5 cents! Beware of her temper!" .....  wait... 5 cents? I'm worth more than that?! 

No really, I'm happy for them. They are finally putting that beautiful green yard to good use. 

But I stand at my garden. Having slaved over it. Mostly on my own, because you may also remember my genius husband that thought he could parkour and broke his wrist during spring time when it was time to put the garden together. (he's lucky he's cute) All my work, all my toil and trial, ever so slowly creeping it's green way up, high up to the sky.... or up 6 inches from the ground, but let's not worry about those minute details. The point is, it IS growing. Just not at the rate that everyone-else's gardens are growing. And I need to be ok with that. I need to give myself grace and allow my garden it's process. It's still in toddler stages, but this is farther than I've ever gotten with a garden in my yard!! And for that, I'm proud of myself. Even with all the trials of the bajillion trees in my yard, I'm making things grow. My kids are learning so much watching me toil over this. My son is so perceptive that even he is helping me come up with solutions to various problems. And in fact, their pumpkin vine is a hecka lot bigger than mine! I'm so proud and jealous and proud! They do deserve to win our pumpkin contest.  

My kids' pumpkin vine, 3 times bigger than mine.

My 6 year old daughter wants to read so bad. We've been working on it hard core this summer, but she makes it harder on herself. She doesn't have the best memory, but also, she's so very impatient with herself that she stunts her progress. She gives up feeling frustrated that she can't do it. Or that she's not doing it RIGHT NOW. I can only hope she learns this summer that with hard work, and perseverance, she will learn to read well. But she has to allow herself her process. Everyone goes at a different pace. Some read when they are 4. Others read when they are 10. And that's ok. The end result is still the same. They are reading! 

I need to allow myself the same process. I may not be as fast as everyone else. Or have the knowledge about having a nice green thumb and not the black thumb of death. But... when I keep my eyes focused on my own progress and how far I've come, I look at my thumbs and see a glimmer of a different color appearing. I can stand in my meager garden and see the truth. 

It is growing. 

Very first official harvest from seed I planted in the ground. Yay! Love me some lettuce!

30th Birthday Week. :)

photo credit: Emily Crall Photography

Yep! The BIG 30! I'm actually pretty excited about this birthday and I don't get excited over birthdays....

My reasons for this excitement is pretty sad though, really. People that know me well, and who have walked with me most my life, have told us that we have lived so much life. In fact, I've already started writing a book about it! Ridiculous. However.... people that don't know me as well, or have just met me, they ask my age. I say, "twenty (something)" and they do the head tilt back, sometimes even with the hand pat in the air directed towards me and say, "Oh! You're so young!" (as in ... "oh...you'll learn") I've wanted to punch a many people for treating me this way. They don't even realize how depressing it is to be reminded that, 'Yes... I'm young and I have my whole freaking life of suffering more still ahead of me. Can you just lock me in an insane asylum now?'

You know the famous verse, "Let no one look down on your youthfulness, but rather in speech, conduct, love, faith and purity, show yourself an example of those who believe." (1 Timothy 4:12) This is a great motivator for all young people, but let's be honest here, I don't think old(er) people have as easy of a time heeding to a secondary point here of NOT being the one that's doing the looking down.

But there's something about thirty. Glorious thirty. With thirty (something) I can be taken maybe a little more seriously? I know... I told you it's sad. But I'm over the top, glad with all my heart to be thirty finally. I'm not worried about "getting old" right now. I don't mind my "silver hairs" that have already started taking up residence on my head almost a decade ago. I've always had an old soul.

So my family actually surprised me (first. time. ever.) with a birthday party that we were all assembled for anyway for the 4th of July. How convenient! So I pulled the birthday card in order to make everyone play Squeeze (card game) with me that I'm kickass at (and nobody ever wants to play with me, so this was really a dream come true) and of course.... the queen of the party wins. It was fabulous.

So here's to finally... finally being 30. Not so dirty, not so flirty, but certainly thriving. ... or at least... I hope I can continue thriving as the next chapter of my life unfolds into 5 growing kids and a husband who hopefully has learned his lessons to keep his feet on the ground.

Ha, who am I kidding? Here's to not dying! Cheers!

Yep. Rain makes it perfect. 

Don't Mess with Tesh! : Some news whilst celebrating 4 years post op for her!

It's appropriate to share some news we have today about Tesh. Today marks 4 years since Tesh had her cranial surgery. I can't believe it's been that long, but I can still remember all the fear and relief of it like it was yesterday. I remember how she fell asleep in my arms just before they took her away from me. All the fight for her with her health issues was coming near it's end with this last crucial step. The moment they called to tell me "her surgery went well and they are closing her up", I got off the phone and started uncontrollably crying, gasping for breath to make it stop, but I couldn't. When my family and friends saw this, they thought something was wrong, but really.... it was well. It was SO well.

Oh, Tesh. She's changed our home forever, that's for sure. Out of all 6 children, she's the one that gave me my only c-section. She's the one that has had us in and out of doctors offices (with siblings in tow) and why I sound as smart as I do about certain medical things when I talk to people about these experiences. She has also made our house louder.... And when I say louder, I mean it. Ever since she was a toddler, her screams have always rung in my ears. Screams for justice! Her particular preferences have been overwhelming to me as we try to communicate back and forth as to why she's upset. Her fears and anxieties will be through the roof at times. Her need for control remains, no matter what I do. If there's too much attention on her, whether it be bad or even good, she'll shut down and sometimes cry. There was even a scene where she FINALLY went potty (this was a few months ago) and we were all there to congratulate her. Her parents, grandparents, some aunts and uncles. We all were saying, "Great job, Tesh! What a big girl!" She then proceeded to cry and said, "Your happy makes me sad."  After having had 2 older kids in the house, I knew the way she would react to certain things was a little.... off.  Extreme.

So... all this to say, we had her evaluated yesterday. We waited 5 months for this appointment with the wonderful Dr. Noble here in Des Moines. (and he IS wonderful!) He said she has Sensory Processing Disorder. He said, "Nothing is broken. No wires are crossed. It's a combination of temperament, personality, preferences, anxieties... on steroids!"

I found all this good news because now we can pin-point it, research it, learn what it is, and know better how to help her cope. All this time, I thought I might be crazy for thinking anything was "wrong" with her, (because I know it could be a lot worse) but there IS something and we CAN better help her. There is so much here, so many faucets of information and uniqueness about her, too much to cover on a little blog post. But all I know is that for these last couple years, I've kept my concerns about her to the closer circle of people around us, and it's been something that has been eating away at me and it's finally done. Well..... the pin-pointing part. And now it's not eating away at me because we have some answers.

The real (hard) work now continues with occupational therapy in hopes to help her cope with her processing skills. And with a lot of patience from me and the close people around her. I look forward to reading "The Out-of-Sync Child" by Carol Kranowitz (suggestion by Dr. Noble according to her diagnosis, apparently my child will seem to be on those very pages)

It takes a community to raise a child..... It still takes a community to raise a child that is unique and weird and apparently on steroids. And let's be honest here... most of her unique weirdness comes from the queen herself. (ding :D) And to be further honest, we are both working on our coping mechanisms now.

I love her so much and I have full confidence that she will do well. In fact, the picture below is my proof that she's going to be an awesome fictional writer some day. Yep. She's in an almost constant state of imagination, which makes her seem like a weird random kid, but it fascinates me to watch her. I can only hope I can be a good mom and help unlock this world of hers, from her head... to paper... but for now, she's 4. Baby steps. 

I had no idea where she was or what she was saying... all I know is I wished I could see what she saw. 

Too Many Irons In The Fire

It has been storming and raining for days. Today there was a good sized storm. Flooding and damage is occurring all around. And where am I? 

- sitting on the couch, playing Free Cell (I'm trying to beat my percentage of wins... I'm at 39%), eating snacks, and letting the kids watch TV. Usually Monday involves cleaning the faithful chaos that the weekends ensue, but today I feel like crap and it's raining.... so it's all good. 

I have been so busy (um... that may just mean away from my home) that I've had little time to enjoy all the storms. But today I sit in all it's beautiful gloom and let it wash over me. 

My wonderful Uncle called over the weekend. His timing is impeccable sometimes. He's a counselor so he knows all the right questions to ask and then I become like a fire hydrant. By the end of the conversation, I realized.... 

I've got issues. 

Ok, well.... I knew this, BUT the chronic stress in my life is catching up to me in a way that's changing my outlook on life. I've lost control over the way I deal with stress. I've become overwhelmed way too easily, most times over trivial things. 

Yes, I have 5 kids at home. That's hard. It's so hard. I'm home with them all. the. time. I love having been home with them, but being home with them is a different story. And frankly, they've been getting in the way of what I want or need to do. Yep. I admit it. That's how pitiful I sound about now. I told you, I've got issues. 

But I'm not totally crazy. Every woman in my shoes prays for a moment of peace to sit down to herself, to eat a snack without being attacked with begging, to take a bath, or better yet, go to the bathroom without playing referee.

But still I need to take care of me. My husband kindly pointed out one night of tears that I have too many irons in the fire. He said that this IS just a season and that I can take an iron out for now, but not have to keep it out forever. 

So... that's what I'm doing to help in the "Kailan's got issues" effort. I'm taking some iron's out. For now. So when I'm done with this season of life, I can put those irons back in because there will be room. So now my task is choosing wisely, which irons get to stay in and which ones need to come out? 

My hope in doing this is to bring some life back into me so I can quit feeling worthless because of my exhaustion. So I can make room for the little people that DO matter. So I can make more efficient room for myself.  

Do you have any irons you need to take out for now? 

 

"I will learn to love the skies I'm under." Mumford & Sons

The little people are EVERYWHERE!!! Protect yourself!!

Don't let this angelic picture fool you!! 

Overwhelmed.

I finally feel outnumbered with 5 kids at home. I like a clean house, but... for example, there's little boxes full of baby clothes sitting in the middle of the kids' room that is the youngest's temporary 'dresser' because it's just too much to keep up with the switching of clothes sizes as she rapidly grows. I finally got around to scraping the table off of nail polish from the 4 and 6 year old's practicing for womanhood. I felt like I had a clean house just by doing that. I managed to create a nook for myself and my husband in the porch. I'm proud to say we have enjoyed it, but letting the kids have free reign over house while we're in there may not be the best idea... it's a work in progress. My 2 year old is officially evil, making her demands as she sees fit. And my poor 9 year old (only) son is caught in the middle of it all. At least I have some company whilst we both look at each other and pull our hair out together.

I honestly don't know what I'd do without the supportive husband that I have. He sees the season of all this. He comes home from a stressful job to a crazy house and never seems to despise my need for help even when he's only been home for 42 seconds.

But it's hard. I'm not a little kid person. I know that sounds ironic because I have so many children, but it's true. My need for intellectual conversation is like an unquenchable thirst. My closest friends probably think it's either annoying or endearing as I constantly reach out with emails and messages, just to have some adult conversation, as I'm stuck at home most the time with these little people. I'm just gonna say they find it endearing, so I can keep my self-esteem up. Yeah... we'll go with that.

For some reason, I haven't been writing lately. I can feel it too. It's so therapeutic for me to write, so when I'm not writing, I'm not doing "well." I have so many things that I want to write about, it's overwhelming to know where to start. So I've made a list and am going to go through it, one by one, so you'll have to bear with me. My goal is to be better at consistency. But I know that it's so important to protect my "me time". That "thing" I like to do and find some healing in doing so. It has to be protected. It doesn't just come up and say, "Hey, guess what?! You are going to write today! Here, let me get my screen on and I'll get the chair underneath you so you can sit and write, so you have to do it. I'll even shut facebook off for you!" ..... I wish.

So to all the busy parents out there... protect your time. It's great spending time with your kids, but if you don't protect your retreat, that thing that you've found healing to you, that thing that de-stresses you... than you'll slowly be no good to those you love.

Here's a related, but unrelated picture of my strawberry blossoms this summer. (Related because my garden has also kept me busy, but I've successfully harvested SOMETHING from my garden. Yay. But unrelated because this post is not about strawberries, it's my pitiful excuse as to why I've been quiet lately.)

Swinging with the Pendulum. Time to Modify.

I love having older friends. You know the kind that are just ahead of you in life that they are able to bestow the wisdom they have to you. They know the struggles you are going through because it's likely... so did they, and it's still a fresh memory. You watch them "do life" and start dreaming of the day that THAT will be you.

.... that's where it gets tricky. These friends of ours are gold. But even gold, in all it's beauty and wealth can make you ugly when envy sets in.

I love my babies. I loved having babies. But my mental state is "so over" having babies. I'm so eager to start the next chapter in life. You know... the next chapter that doesn't involve feed, awake, sleep schedules. One that doesn't involve diapers and tip toeing to bed to NOT wake the baby sleeping in her bassinet. Even down to the toddler stage, I'm over it. I'm over the incomprehensible conversations/whining out of the mouth that feels the need to lick everything. The potty training. Oh, the potty training!! Then there's the tantrums and the "No! Don't lick that!" "Don't bite her!" "Touch nicely!" (while I'm pulling my hair out, convinced that I'm screwing this up because I have the worst toddler/s)

Thanks to my 9 year old, I am aware of the heart issues that lie in the next chapter. I'm sure it's going to be a mentally taxing ride of my life dealing with all those 5 hearts that I helped create. But I can't help but look at most of my friends (where their youngest is around 7 or 8) and think.. "Gosh, I can't wait."

We took our little (big) family camping one weekend recently. I said no way, but my husband desperately wanted us to try it. And well... he knows where my "push over" button is. We have 5 kids at home, ranging from 6 months old to 9 years old. Yeah. I know! It. Is. Crazy! And it was! We went. It failed. It was, in my terms, a disaster. But now we now, that even though we love camping, we just need to wait a little bit (with all our little critters) to try camping again. Just as we had packed everything up, after one night of defeat, I cried. Well ok... I do get over emotional when I've had so little sleep, but I wanted something different. I wanted time to just speed the hell up so we could do these things that others could. (I know this is a shallow story, but bear with me) (Oh... and kudos to those that camp all the time with little children and babies. You're awesome. And I'm just not so awesome. And I'm ok with that.)

As I cried my pathetic tears, all these ugly emotions started to drip from me. Trapped with 5 faces staring at me, needing so much from me, and I'm tired. I'm getting so incredibly worn. I have this flame within me that wants to get out so bad; to write, to read, to paint, to go walking on and on, to get involved in various things without worrying about babies to carry around, but that flame needs my time, my energy, things I don't have a lot of right now.

So what do I do?

I modify.

I keep that flame within me, knowing I can sneak it out from time to time, but we have to modify. I have no choice. I can not make time go any faster, and I'm sure years and years down the road when my youngest is moving out, I'll be all like, "Where did my baby go? I want my baby back!"

But we must modify and keep baby proofing things and it'll be fine. I'll be fine. These precious formative years are so important. And I need to embrace all these little hands holding my face to kiss me smack on the lips, even with all their drool.

I'm convinced that time goes at it's pace for it's reasons. And even though my older friends are on to the next chapter, I'm not finished with mine. I've got more pages to write. Their stories are so unique and you know what? My unique story is important too.

It's ok to dream about the next chapter. But I need to pay close attention to the now. Because the now is the ground work for the point that which I call a dream. (counting on some curve balls in there, of course) And I'm sure after all... the next chapter isn't going to be anything like I thought it would be.

And that could be a good thing or a bad thing...

I'm gonna go with the both/and theory there. ;)