My First Flame (Going Back)

Experiencing death of a loved one is actually probably the best thing for a child.

I do not remember the first time that I asked Jesus into my heart. Yes, Kailan Wing, can not tell you when that first moment was. (see Turning Point for my real found faith) The church I remember growing up in was a Nazarene church. They believed that you could lose your salvation. Everywhere I went, if they offered "The Salvation Prayer" I would do it, knowing that I had already said it, but that I need to say it again. I loved to ask Jesus into my heart. I can't even tell you how many times I have said that prayer. As I grew older into my teen years I came to the realization that once you're saved, you are always saved. That nothing can take you out of His grasp. But still, I can not tell you, when it came to me for the first time, that Jesus died for me, and rose again to save me. Maybe my parents just did an excellent job in breeding us up in the knowledge of Jesus Christ that we never knew different. BUT, what I can tell you is when I, for the first time, felt the Spirit hold me.

I was nine. That puts me in about 4th grade. My family was normal at that point. The oldest sister had moved out of the house not too long before that. The other older sister, still in the house, still trying desperately to be ungrounded for once. My brothers and I making our forts out in our huge backyard, with scrap pieces of brick and wood. Death had not really shaken us yet. We still seemed to be living in our "forever worlds" is what we thought anyway. Well, everyone, except for Mom, who had experienced far more hurtful loses in her own childhood. Nothing blew passed her.
I remember being so shocked at the news, that my cousin had committed suicide. He had shot himself. I remember hearing details like their was gun powder on his toe, supposing he used that to pull the trigger on one of those long rifles, pointing it to his head. And that he had gotten in a fight with his girlfriend. He was eighteen, and his younger brother was the one who found him.
I remember being in disbelief the whole time before the funeral, thinking maybe it was just a joke? At the funeral, I remember staring at his body laying in the coffin. He looked as if he were sleeping, and that he would just wake up at any moment. Soon after seeing him, it finally hit me. He is dead. I began to ponder heaven for real, for the first time. and hell. Where is he? Did he get to heaven, even though he killed himself? It was the first time, I began to think deep about these things.
I cried so hard at night, so hard I couldn't sleep. I began to really miss Aron. I thought about the last thing I remember him by. It was Christmas, and he gave me a Pink Panther flashlight. I tried to find it, but it was gone, just like him. To this day, I've never been able to find it. But that's not the point of my story here.

That night I couldn't go to sleep because of my tears, I did what any child in that predicament would do. I went into my mommy and daddy's bedroom. Mom's side was the closest, so I got in bed with her, after waking her very gently. I told her I couldn't sleep and she, of course, opened her covers to me, slid over to make room, and cuddled me. I kept crying, and she just held me. She started to pray, "Dear Lord Jesus, please just hold Kailan in Your arms and help her to sleep. Calm her spirit Lord and just hold her. In Jesus' Name, Amen."
I closed my eyes, and imagined Jesus holding me as though Mom was holding me. Cradling me like a baby. I felt a calmness and was asleep.... so fast that when my eyes opened again, it was morning and another day.

I will never forget that moment for the rest of my life. Because of Aron's passing, I was able to feel that feeling of loss, the brokenness that can only be felt when something truly horrible has happened. And I was also able to experience that calmness that only God can give, that peace that surpasses all understanding. Only then was I able to truly feel anything spiritual.
I hate that my cousin did what he did, but I still love him. I know that he was forgiven by that sin and that has been my hope for him. I do not know for sure, if he was saved, but I do know that if he was, then he is indeed with our Lord.

I always thought, though, how one could be saved and have the hope of Jesus, and still be suicidal. But I have learned that everyone backslides, and some people's faith are weaker than others. They have just forgotten, that even "faith the size of a mustard seed can move mountains. "

Moment of Utter Weakness

The first picture is of Sarah, the second is of Eve. You can see the similarities and the differences. They are the same age here. As 3 months and 10 days approached, I held my breath a little. I was comforted only by the fact that it was slim to none that I would actually lose her on the same day. I used my logic against my anxiety. But being at that 3 months and 10 days point wasn't the hard thing, the hard thing was seeing passed it. All these SIDS parents would say that they would start breathing again once their subsequent babies got passed the age of their lost one. And that's all they would say. I don't recall talking too much about the after math, so I'm not sure I foresaw the issue that would lie ahead.

It was disturbing to me that an older sister would be in fact, younger than her little sister. It's a battle I will always face. I try to dwell on what age she would be, but it's hard not having the experience of her as an older child. So from that day on, with my second daughter, everything was a new experience. Things that I should've had with Sarah, are only with Eve now. It was like it was rubbed in my face all over again, that I indeed lost my first daughter, that she is gone, and she will not return. I began to lose it, when I was living those days passed Sarah, with Eve. I wanted the time to stop, but of course nothing will stop the sun from rising and setting. In the Bible, God made the sun stay up for an extra time period all because a battle had to be won, (if I remember right) so me thinking He would do the same for me all because of my selfish wants, I knew the answer would be no. So in my heart I made the sun stay a little longer by salvaging every moment with Eve at this age. I held her, knowing that Sarah, was this size when I lost her.

Still I couldn't help but fall back into a depression. Satan was attacking me from all angles. I became so foggy with depression that I felt I couldn't fully observe my children's needs or my husband's. I began pushing people away again. I realized that I had been a horrible friend cause I couldn't care what was going on in there life. I have a very prohibitive conscience, so nothing anyone could say could take away my guilt from that thought. I had to fight for my priorities; my husband and my children. I remember calling my Uncle Ed, who is a grief counselor, to talk to him about getting some counseling, cause I was falling fast. He got me hooked up with a counselor. I started talking about my whole life to her. All the death that I have experienced, but all that faith I have as well. I think it more helped me to verbally stand my ground with my faith. Just to say, "I know God is with me. I believe God is here. Jesus has saved me by His blood. " thinking about my faith in all that I have been through, gave me a peace about my situation. I had quit going to her after a few sessions cause anyone who knows me knows I have a hard time sticking with counseling. But I remember the last thing that she told me. She said to me as I was walking out the door, for the last time, "Kailan, I think it's going to be your faith that is going to get you through this. " I replied in agreement and left.

The time passing between the 3 months and 10 days mark till nearing the end of my break down was 3 months. My Evey was getting to be 6 months. She, of course, en light of my depression was still on the apnea monitor. I knew I had to let it go at some point, but I couldn't bring myself to actually doing it. I was trying to take control of Evey's life, and that's not where it belonged.

I was talking to Josh in desperate tears about my craziness, it felt like. I became hypersensitive to everything, and I was driving myself mad. He told me this.... He wanted me to go down to our room, alone, with a sheet of paper, pen, and my Bible. He wanted me to write a list down of people I was still bitter with and people or things that I was not letting God take control of. And then he wanted me to pray about them, and forgive these people, once and for all, and tell God that I give control of those people or things that I had written down. He said if I couldn't think of anyone or anything, to just simply ask God to reveal it to me.
I went down there, sat on my bed and started writing. I filled 2 pages up with people and things. I couldn't believe how much bitterness I had in my heart, and so I started praying about these people, and then I got to the things that I was trying to take control over. I got through my list and stopped at a 2 word object, and I couldn't even say it, not even in a prayer that was between me and God. I cried so hard before I could even look up again. I remember saying, out loud, "BUT I CAN'T!!..... I can't...." I cried long and hard before I continued.. then finally I said it....

"Lord, I give you control...... help me with this apnea monitor..." I had realized then and there, it was like God was showing me something right in front of my face, that I had in fact held this apnea monitor as an idol of protecting my daughter's life. At first it was a mere safety issue and knowing that she was in fact breathing, but it became so much more than that to me. It was like I felt, as soon as I turned it off, she was going to stop breathing or something. As if it were her life-support. Like, it I disconnected it from her, that I would be disconnecting her from life. I didn't even realize I was doing that through all my depression. I finished my prayer by asking God to give me the strength to let go of the apnea monitor.

Now anyone who truly knows me, says I'm a stubborn girl. My Dad would more times, than not, call it strong-willed. He showed me it was a gift. And how to use it? It was taken me many years and will take more years to come. But, I knew what I had to do, and that I had to do it NOW.

It was night time, so 6 month old Eve was sleeping so peacefully. I knew I had to practice first-time obediance and nothing would stop me. So..... I went into her room, I stood over her crib, and pushed those buttons just right to turn that apnea monitor off. There were cords that I had to disconnect, that were attached to her, so I pulled off the first cord, then the second, being careful not to wake her. I put the monitor away from her, and it was like time stood still. I can remember the site of it, to this day. I cried instantly watching my baby breathe with my own eyes. She looked like a normal baby now, with no cords or anything. Just sleeping peacefully as she should. I went upstairs to proclaim my victory to my husband, I told him it was over. He was very surprized at what I had done, but also very proud.

It still took some time to heal from all that experience, just like it will be for the rest of my life, to live without Sarah on this earth, but truly I tell you, the healing can't begin unless you give up all control. You can want to heal all you want, but it won't happen until you obey fully. Submitting all the control to the One whom it belongs to. So if you feel you are not healing like you believe you should, because you are praying and reading and trying to do good. Maybe what you are missing is the first commandment. "I am the Lord, your God. You shall have no other gods before Me. " That first commandment speaks volumes of first-time obediance, giving up control, and just knowing that He indeed, is our Lord and God, whom we serve. And that He is God who is in control no matter what we do, He just desires for us to ride along with Him.

Test Around the Corner

5 day old Eve, was admitted back into the hospital.... for apnea. We went home with the apnea monitor, enlight of Sarah's death. I knew it would help me be more at peace KNOWING that she is indeed breathing and her heart is beating, even when I sleep. It had it's false alarms which we were warned about. We knew it was a false alarm if it only beeped at us about 3 or 4 times and then stopped on it's own, without us having to do anything. But there was one time, where it kept going. I stood over Eve to see if she was still breathing. She was so little, I couldn't tell, but I also panicked a little, so I quickly rubbed her belly to wake her. She took a big breath which turned the monitor off. I didn't like that. So I told the Ped. about it at our appt. that day. She had it downloaded to look at the activity. She called us later that night, telling us to go to the hospital to get her checked out because there was indeed 2 apnea episodes on that monitor. Eve was also jaundice so we were admitted at Blank's with all these monitors on her, and a Bili light.
Eve was so stressed being there, so I knew that the best thing I could do was to be that stress reliever and be as calm as I could. They did all these tests. My poor baby was poked and prodded. The doctors were taking every precautionary because of the fact that we had already lost one. They were wonderful with us, giving us straight facts, even if it was "we don't know" and I was ok with that, to an extent, because I knew, by experience, they were doing all they could. She had some abnormal blood work, which they tried to chase down.
The one good thing about her apnea was her body was keeping up with it. While she wasn't breathing, her heart would stay strong, and that was a good sign that nothing too serious was going on.
I can't express the peace that came over me. Physically, I was exhausted. I just gave birth to this baby a week ago, I had a little bit of stitches. I was still having to take care of myself, in that form. I was going through my engorgement with nursing, which seemed to be a little better than with the last two babies, so I was thankful. My body was on it's last legs.

BUT, emotionally/mentally, I had a peace, I can't explain. Coming 10 months out from losing Sarah, I knew I had no control over anything. I would not be the one to keep Eve here. But I think I heard that still small voice in my heart, saying, "She will be ok.... I'm right here.... I am with you.... do not fear.... she will live.... like you hold your baby, I am holding you.... enjoy her today..."

I remember one of the doctors asking me so sweet, in a careful, loving manner, " Do you know .... that this apnea monitor... will not save her from SIDS? Do you know that?"
I told her, "Yes, I do know that. I know there is nothing that will stop SIDS."
She replied, " Ok, I just wanted to make sure, that you knew that." and she hugged me.

Even though that conversation would've put any mother on edge, I actually felt proud of myself, like I had my head on straight, and I just proved it. I was ready, by the grace of God, to logically think things through. To have that voice of reason inside my head even though I'm a "SIDS Parent" I felt like a normal mom. All because I put things in their place. In God's hands.

After a week in the hospital, we had an option to go home or to stay another week for more observation...... We went home. We took up where we left off, getting to know our new daughter, continuing with our healing of losing Sarah, and allowing our 3 year old son to get used to having another sister in the house.
Once Eve caught up to her 40 week gestation age, her apnea was gone. It was declared premature apnea, for she was a whole month early, and that, I guess is typical. Her abnormal blood work was chased down for the next 8 months, by the Iowa City Hospital, just to finally normalize with age. There were other premature things going on with Eve, like her eyesight and certain muscles in her arms, that eventually, with time, got better. She is a sickly thing, still to this day, but all in all, she IS living. She is here and she is our little Diva, we call her. And we love her for it. She won't let anyone push her around, and she'll be my little artist.

There were moments that week that I had to cry, but that made it all the more beautiful. To cry is not a moment of weakness, it is a window of expressing what is in your heart, being real. And that is always beautiful. I will always have those moments locked away in my heart because of it.

I just had a thought. ..... you think God cries?... He must.... . Even though Eve was going through this stressful time, being poked and prodded and constantly woken up by nurses and doctors just to poke her again. She still found refuge in my calm arms. Only Mom could calm her by simply holding her. Only Mom could nurse her, the best milk. Only Mom knew what she needed when she cried. She could only rely on that one person. I know we are only human, and none of us our perfect moms, but God IS. In only God, can we find true refuge. In only God can we be calmed by his arms. Only God can give us the living water. Only God knows what we need when tears come rolling down our cheeks. Only God. Babies have nothing to do but to submit to their caregivers. They do not get dressed unless we dress them. They do not eat unless we feed them. They do not become clean unless WE clean them. When a little one learns to walk, it is because that special someone has their hands in theirs, and they are leading them.
I love this one song, by Relient K called, "Give Until There's Nothing Left" ... the second verse goes....

" No one told me how bad I need You, but I somehow arrived on that conclusion all by myself. And I want all You have to offer, so I'll offer myself and I'll just give until there's nothing left."

Faith Like A Child

See that smile on his face as he stands near his sister's grave? His reality is only that she is in Heaven. She is perfect and happy. Yes, we miss her but ultimately she is where we want to be. I love his heart. It says in the Bible, "have faith like a child." Sometimes it's hard to know what that truly means, unless you have a child that speaks so matter-of-fact to you. Isaiah is my sweet story teller, just like his father. It is a gift, sometimes in disguise:) He tells so many stories. Sometimes they are true and sometimes he's just expressing his imagination, but he tells it like it's real. He allows his imagination to go as far as it will take him, he allows his dreams to stay big. As we get older, we call ourselves realists, due to our experiences of trial and error. The older we get, the more we lose these dreams and imaginations. C.S. Lewis, one of my favorite authors, wrote in his book "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe" in the dedication.... "... someday you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again." He wrote it to his Goddaughter, Lucy. C.S. Lewis was said to be fond of children, because of the way they thought, because of their imaginations. Adults were too close minded.

Isaiah has no reason to not believe that Jesus is real. That God is real. That angels are around us. That monsters are indeed in the closet, and that God is "bigger than the boogie man."
And that Dad is invincible and Mom knows how to make a kiss heal anything. He is not blind in any sense of the word. He sees the black on certain peoples skin, and knows that that is also beautiful. He sees the wheel chair that a man is in and knows that they don't need their legs to show God's love.

In reality these things do exist. The angels, the monsters, the invincible Dad, the healing mother. They may not seem real to us, who are more close minded. Because we see the world first.

On a side note:
Parents are ambassadors for God. When Isaiah sees Dad as invincible, it is real to him that God is invincible. When he feels that Mom's arms and kisses heal, he sees that God's arms and kisses heal. Isaiah's world revolves around our marriage, how we work together. In the words of Gary Ezzo, " Mom's arms are comfort, but Dad's arms are security." He needs that combination. We are human, and we will fail him at some point, but in turn, when he sees that out of us, it will be all the more real to him that God fulfills those things. He needs God. We need God. That child-like desire for our mom and dad, should be the same child-like desire that we have for our Father and Lord.

On another note, Do you know how hard it is to convince a child that there are NO MONSTERS IN THE CLOSET. To our reality, there isn't. But to his, they are very much real. His reality is the accurate one. If you think about it, there are monsters everywhere, ... demons... who are waiting for us. What do we do about it. We, as parents, have given him the tool he needs to take care of those monsters. Prayer in Jesus' name. We have him pray when he gets scared like that, embracing his reality of monsters, but also on the flip side embracing the angels as well. Reminding him that they are stronger, as they will always be.

When we talk about missing Sarah, he is always quick to say, "yes, but we are going to go up there to see her." and he has asked me if she'll come back, but I tell him the truth. That once you go to heaven, you don't come back again, but also that you don't want to come back again. We let our imaginations go wild, like children. And we come up with all the things we think Sarah is doing right now. Of course, then Isaiah gets a little jealous, and says, " I can't wait till I can go up there." As heart breaking as that concept is for me, I let him have it. I want him to desire to be in heaven with our Lord. I don't want to take that away, just because I can't live outside myself.

So why not? Sure... there are flying horses, and fauns, and all different kinds of creatures that we have never seen on this earth. There are plenty of creatures in the Bible that are explained that I can't fathom. So why not? Yes, there are good guys and bad guys, but the good always prevails as in every fairy tale.
Children learn from their parents, but parents have a lot to learn from these children. We need to have the eyes to see it. To see that there world is so much bigger than ours.

One of the greatest kings of the Old Testament, Josiah, was eight. He did not hesitate to do what he knew within all his soul to be the Truth.

Unbreakable spirits it seems they have. Big hearts, that are quick to love.
"have faith like a child."

The Great Awaited Event

ok, these pictures are just a joke. I was probably somewhere around 5 cm when these were taken. You gotta have some fun while you're in labor, right?




Here's a more serious one, during a contraction.










Well, as soon as I was able to get off the drugs to stop labor, I went into labor... the day I turned 36 weeks. I had told everyone in the room, prior to my labor, that I wanted everyone out 30 min. after Eve was born, cause I didn't know how I was going to react. I figured being alone with Joshua and Eve, that that would enable me to cry as much as I wanted to, if need be, without everyone watching me, as they all were so intently doing. They respected my wishes all the same. Being in hard labor was rough, cause a part of me, didn't want her to be born just yet. I was scared. And then, of course, my body is saying, "Get this thing out of me!" It was out of my control, this was it, SHE was going to be born, and I still didn't have the answers to my questions.

Am I going to love her as much? Is she going to look like Sarah? Is that going to be a problem? What if she doesn't look like her? Is that going to be a problem? Will I ever sleep again? Will I breathe? Am I going to be able to even touch her? Or will I ever be able to put her down? I was all over the place. Because of my anxiety, my midwives suggested an anti-anxiety pill. Because I was so early, I didn't want to take it while I was pregnant, making sure that Eve's lack of lung development had nothing to do with something I had done. So we made an agreement to start it the day I had her, cause I didn't want to put her in danger of my emotions, if I couldn't control them.

It was time to push, after a good hard labor, it was time to meet the person that I feared. 3 min. of pushing brought forth this head that was covered in hair. (Isaiah and Sarah were both bald.) Everybody exclaimed how much hair she had before I could see, cause her body still had to emerge. One more push, and...... (I'm crying)
there she was, hoisted up onto my chest, was this beautiful little girl. There she is...... she doesn't seem so scary, I thought. Her hair! Where on earth did she come from? Her lips! So red and puckery. She was beautiful. Her nose..... that's Sarah's.... only Eve didn't have the humangioma on it. She was not Sarah. She looked like Sarah's sister....... they way she was supposed to be. They way she is... she is Sarah's sister. I took a deep breathe, cried, of course, I realized I could breathe. I realized I'm looking at a beautiful baby that God has allowed me to have, that she is truly a gift and nothing less. Just like I had to accept my Dad looking from heaven at all my blessings, I finally was able to start to accept the same with my Sarah.

Every one left as promised after 30 minutes. It was me, my husband and our new baby girl. We pointed out the things that looked like Sarah and Isaiah, and then the things that looked like just Eve. I was ok. I was at peace with everything happening. I can't explain it. God and only God, had given me the peace that surpassed my understanding, because I knew He would. I felt myself love this person I was afraid of. I felt myself adoring a little girl that was meant to be adored.... my third child... my second daughter. I felt so familiar to me, .... this love. I realized I love her like I love the others. This first moment was just as special to me as the others were, once she was in my arms. It became real to me, that she was another human being that God has trusted me with. Before I had her, I was scared to nurse her, thinking I'd fall apart. I was excited to nurse again. I realized that I had been really waiting to nurse again. She was a beautiful nurser. I cried happy tears. I thought of Sarah, and I missed her, but that wretching pain was lessened now that my arms were no longer empty.

Thank you God. Thank you, my Lord. You have filled my arms once again. Thank you.

I had taken my anti-anxiety pill, the nurse gave me, not knowing why I did. It was over, my anxiety was over. I took it for a few days and then stopped. I didn't need it. I had God's peace. I had another little one to take care of. And my healing was truly beginning. I was able to breathe a little easier, for the first time. I was reminded that there was truly life after death. I let everyone back into my life. Everyone celebrated with me. I was not left out.

I do remember one more fear that I had in my heart. That even though it was impossible for me to forget Sarah, that everyone else would forget. I feared that others would let Eve cover Sarah's memory. That they would just talk about Eve, and not ever mention Sarah. I made it a point to talk about Sarah often, so everyone knew that Sarah was still a part of our lives. Especially with Isaiah, which it's amazing cause he rarely gets the two mixed up, when we look at pictures. He knows exactly who is who.
She is still a part of our family. Her name is Sarah Layne Wing. and she will always be. And she too, is celebrating with me at the birth of her new little sister, Eve Nicole Wing, as the whole family is. It turned into the celebration that it was supposed to be.
I thank God for each of my children because they are all each great blessings in my life. I wouldn't trade any of them for anything. Which is what a mom should feel. I felt like a good mom again. And that felt good. (more tears) :)

The big question,"Why People Get Divorced After Losing A Child?"

I have neglected this part of my story, because I was so focused on my story about Sarah that I didn't realize that I was leaving out one of the most important aspects of grieving. Which is ironic, because that's the start of answering a question like this. Neglecting the priority relationship. Let me let you in on Josh and I's relationship to help you better understand what we go through.

Josh and I made people sick:) in a good way. We were highschool sweethearts that married eachother. We were in ministry bands together, that enabled us to share our time together ministering to the youth. We've been involved in youth groups together. The only thing we did not do together was work. Other than that, we were attached at the hip. We "waited" for eachother, which was a big blessing in our relationship, that few today get to experience. Yes, we had our normal marital fights and issues, but we were unbeatable with eachother. We were quick to forgive. We learned so much from eachother. I could say that it probably took us that four years to be able to fight well. You know, arguing appropriately, as to NOT sever the head of the other, just for the fun of it, just because you can. I helped my flighty husband to get a little more organized and he helped his anal stubborn wife to calm down and enjoy the things in front of me. I loved to be submissive, and he respected my opinion. I'm not saying that we nailed it, but we were in a good direction. We would go to marital seminars, even though there were no real issues with us, we were always quick to go to keep learning about how to make our marriage stronger. We were also taking classes called, "Growing Kids God's Way" by the Ezzo's. Learning about the priority relationship of our marriage made us even stronger. Through that, we had couples to look up to, who encouraged us to strengthen our marriage even more. We kept that lovey dovey highschool feel to our relationship cause we loved feeling that way. Even with Isaiah coming and born, we felt like these youngens havin babes. Which made life all the more exciting. Nothing was nonchalant with us.
We were very equipped to take on what life has to throw at us, we just weren't expecting the worst thing. When Sarah died, we felt whip lashed. One of the main couples that we looked up to, were the very ones to pray over us at the hospital, that we do not separate over this. I remember Josh told me in my ear, "we are NOT separating over this." I nodded my head, and planted it right in his chest.
Instantly, when we got to mom's house to stay for the week, there were issues. I wanted to be away from the crowd, while he wanted to be in the crowd. That was how we grieved. They say opposites attract. It's true. Our temperaments are opposite and with that comes different ways of grieving. I was becoming a different person very subtly and so was he. We grew distant when it came to our "inner world" but we kept pushing ourselves to talk through it. Which we did, cause everyone knows, "Communication is the Key." It was only a couple months out that I realized that I felt alone, somewhat like a widow, life I lost both my child and my husband and that it was just me and Isaiah. I'm a very observant person, so when I felt like that, I instantly went to my husband, who was very much alive. We talked it through and realized that we feel like this cause we barely know eachother anymore.
We were so busy grieving our daughter, that we became unaware of a bigger issue. My arms became empty when Sarah died, but what added to my grief was the absence of my second half. My heart was broken in so many different ways. My head was so clouded with grief that it took the Spirit to point it out to me.

(the Big answer)
I realized that not only am I grieving Sarah, I was grieving the way things used to be. I was grieving the old me, the old Josh, the old life, the old marriage. My head was swimming with loss. I wanted my life back, but it doesn't work that way. So Josh and I had to make a decision. To let it get so bad that we separate, OR be proactive, before it gets bad, and push back toward God and eachother. Love and sacrifice and commitment.

Marriage is work. Marriage can be like labor, but it's all for a sweeter outcome. We pulled out our "equipment" and started in.
It's been over two years, and we are still working things out. But our "toil is not in vain." We will overcome this, because He has already. This was our tribulation, and I'm sure there is more to come, but He has overcome the world. Sarah is safe. Our marriage is stronger than ever. We are learning eachother again, and it is beautiful. There are beautiful things about us that never came to surface until lately. We still see some old things peeking back because God is good.
Because I remained faithful, I still adore my husband. I am proud to be his wife. We still go to whatever marriage seminars there are, and we keep learning cause we know we will need it. This whole situation has aged us. We both have said, we feel like 60 year olds in 25 year old's bodies. But we feel honored. Through Christ, we have prevailed that hardest thing that a couple could go through. We know for sure, that NOTHING will stop us now. God saw fit to have us go through this, but He knew we could get through it. He entrusted us with this. He gave us this blessing cause He knew we'd live to tell about it. I've never felt closer to God or to my husband. Life will always hurt, but my soul still dances.

Birthday Party at a Cemetery

Regardless of my bed rest state, I was bound and determined to get out and celebrate Sarah's first birthday. It was very bitter sweet. To celebrate something in Sarah's name was a sweet honor, but to go to her grave for it, was a bitter reminder. We had a headstone, with her name and her footprints on it. We set up a picture, just for the occasion, so we could see her face. It gives you that sick feeling everytime you come upon the grave of your daughter. Also, knowing full well, that "she" is not really "there". She is in paradise. It was a beautiful day. Sun shining, everything so colorful, you can even see that in the background of this photo. Beautiful.
We had Isaiah color a piece of paper for Sarah's birthday. Daddy and he went into the store, Isaiah watched as the balloon person, got his picture small enough to fit in the balloon. He picked the color blue for her and a pink one for him. He was very excited to give his little sister a present. To be able to "send it to heaven." We went to the cemetery in Altoona. We had gotten a little cake with a "1" candle on it. We lit the candle, sang "Happy Birthday", let Isaiah blow it out. and then we had him send off his balloon. As we watched this balloon slowly float up "to heaven" I even found myself in a child-like state, waiting for Sarah to receive it. We all watched until we couldn't see it anymore. When Isaiah said that he couldn't see it anymore, we said, "Well, that's because Sarah has it now."









I cried the whole time, of course. My aches of the present pregnancy melted away, as I relished in my memory of Sarah. We felt like a whole family again for that moment. We took lots of family pictures. Josh and I watched Isaiah play in one of his new "playgrounds". He would check out all the other headstones, seeing others that were from little kids. We got to tell him, once more about Grandpa Joe, (whose headstone was right next to Sarah's) and how they were together. I sense Isaiah gets jealous sometimes, hearing about them being up there, and him not.

But I just tell him that God decides when he will go to heaven, and that the point is, is that we will be together again.