Yes.... HBAC :)

I'm 16 weeks today and starting to get my mini baby bump :) I get little kicks here and there from baby, which feels incredible, and pregnancy is going very well.

I'm giving a little update about a recent decision of ours, which I believe, is an experience worth blogging about. :) We have decided to attempt a Home Birth After Cesarean (HBAC). I know what most of you are thinking... "I'm crazy." BUT this was not a light-hearted decision. I've been doing so much research on VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) , reading, watching videos, talking with women that have had VBACs, talking with doulas that have witnessed VBACs, going to ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network?... that's close) meetings and after all that... have made this decision. I actually was sold before Josh.. and I had to wait for him to come around before making this decision cause there was no way in HEck- I was going to do this without his full support. So I practiced patience, which is not something I'm too good at, but I think I did pretty good.

We were nervous to tell the family what we were doing, but MUCH to our surprise, they are supporting us 100% and are excited with us. Praise God for that cause that doesn't happen very often that family supports home births in our culture and we consider ourselves blessed with the family we have.

I understand the risks....I've learned that it's NOT 2% risk of rupture with VBACs.. it's .5%!! Even more rare, AND the more natural you labor and deliver, the better the chance you have at a successful VBAC. What I have learned is when you induce, using interventions (breaking waters, pitocin, etc.), or use pain meds. that may slow down labor in order for certain interventions, essentially things that are making the uterus do what it's not truly ready for,  the risks for rupture are greater. So.. my attempt to go strictly "all natural" is the result of this information learned. I'm not scared of the pain, cause labor is and always will be hard work, but any nerves I do have are normal, praying that nothing happens to baby. (and that's at home or in the hospital, mind you, all 3 hospitals are right around the corner from our house)

I've always toyed with the idea of a home birth but thought it was out of my reach, thinking that I could never do it. I didn't have confidence in myself or my body. When the c-section happened, I thought my chances of ever doing a home birth were none. But as I've been thrusted into this world of c-section knowledge and people, I've been able to learn so much, realizing there's a lot of women that purposely do HBAC in a better attempt to successfully carry out their VBAC. I thought... "well this is baking my cake and eating it too!"(and yes, I do believe that happens sometimes in life)

Now the trick, finding a midwife that does VBACs at home... I found one... yes, one. The other home birth midwives feel VBACing at home is a little too much of a risk, but this particular midwife, believes in women's abilities to give birth, by trial, where ever they see fit. (of course, there are certain terms that she won't do births at home, but I'm not one of them :)  She's not extreme, she knows there's a time and a place for the hospital when it comes to complications or higher risk births, but she gives you the support, encouragement, and confidence it takes to deliver successfully at home if she really feels you are able. She has delivered many VBACs and I've talked to a few women who have VBACed with her.(I've talked with a woman who did a HBA2C with her) I'm confident she'll take good care of us.

The thing you have to remember and think about is that these home birth midwives.. because they are not at the hospital, are trained to notice complications early, probably earlier than an OB. (whose not even really present yet, until you start pushing) That's comforting to me.

I'm dreaming about this.. not being at the hospital idea...
I'm in my own clothes, in my own house, eating my own food (yes when I want to, even during labor), drinking whenever I want, being in my own big fluffy bed, being able to cuddle up to Josh whenever I want to, pushing my baby out sitting in a position that I want to, that might be against hospital policy, having my kids around to enjoy baby's arrival, holding my baby once he/she emerges from me, not having to give it up for  exams that they could very well do on my chest, having a calm, warm home environment (vs. cold hospital), while nice hearty stew is going in the crockpot while I labor so it's done when I'm good and hungry after baby's born, no vitals constantly through day and night for the following couple days, no being woken from precious sleep except for my new baby's cry.... I'm lovin this idea the more I think about it.

Now, of course, Kailan prepares for the "in case"... it's in the back of my head that I may still end up in the hospital if something starts to go wrong... but I'll keep that in the back of my head, where it belongs cause  after our 2 hour long conversation at our appt. this week with this midwife discussing her doing my home birth, she left me with...

"We are going to get through this in faith."  -Sheryl Puderbaugh

So Much to Say...

First of all, these anniversaries that we have just passed have put me in a whirlwind. I quickly chalk it up to being in my first trimester (which I'm just reaching out of) while dealing with all these emotions, but for some reason, it's hit me a little more about Dad's death anniversary.

Although September is my favorite month, hands down. It comes with all these bittersweets.

Sept. 2nd, my Dad has been gone for 11 years!! I can't believe it's been that long. I missed him more lately. It could be my hormones talking, but this pregnancy has brought fear and excitement to me with the VBAC decision. AND Tesh has been doing so well, and Sarah is still missed, and my babies are growing up and one can't help but see their family grow and know that Dad isn't here to experience it with us. I know... he can probably see us now.. but it's just not the same. He isn't here to hug me and hold me in his arms and bring reason to me. :) He isn't here to show my kids all there is to know about "THE GARAGE" especially during "A STORM"  I want my kids to know their Grandpa Joe and they only know him through my stories. It just makes me sad... I miss him.

Then there's my beautiful angel named Sarah. She would've been 5 on Sept. 7th.
5! I can't believe she'd be that old already. The baby that all I can see as a baby would've been 5... I would've started Kindergarten with her, and I would've brushed through her long blonde curls, looked in her bright blue eyes, telling her, as well as Evey, that they are such beautiful princesses.
Isaiah had been having these "sad moments" this year about Sarah. Asking more questions and fearing certain things. It seems the older he gets, the more aware he is about losing his little sister. It doesn't effect Eve as much, of course, but Isaiah.... I think a part of him remembers. 





And then there is Eve. My little "princess" that reminds me everyday that she is my princess. She will be 4 on Sept. 22nd. She is growing into this beautiful little lady.

And Tesh is doing so well. Her head is looking great, and she is smart! AND funny! She's a riot, always trying to make us laugh. And I've been so proud of her social bug coming out, after she lost it with the surgery, she's opening up to a few more people.... other than Mom and Dad. :)

This pregnancy has been going great! No more scares so far and I've been so encouraged by many women that I can accomplish this VBAC. I'm not saying it's 100%, cause there's always that chance, but I feel empowered, knowing that God has designed my body to take care of my baby and deliver this baby. I'm not nearly as scared as I was when I blogged last, thanks to the all the "ICAN" support. I'm doing things to encourage a healthy natural pregnancy and delivery, and am excited about it now. Of course, it helps that I'm not nearly as sick as I was before either. The sickness is lifting! and I can really enjoy my growing belly, which that's one of my favorite parts about being pregnant. :)

So there's my bittersweet month as I know it. Enjoy the pics of my kiddos and Sarah's 5th Birthday Celebration this year.

Watching the balloons go up!








Eating cupcakes :)






Grandma Lyn and Isaiah having a sad moment together.

Couldn't help but take a picture of these three sitting together on the bench.






Our goofy Tesh!







No one would ever know anything was ever wrong with her when she was a baby. She's been doing soooo well.

And Homeschooling continues on.....

Eve is doing some pre-school work,

while Isaiah works on his 1st grade writing.

Daddy's teaching science. He was explaining how, "We are like baking soda, and God's love is like the vinegar. When we have Jesus in our hearts and we show God's love, like our experiment, God's love grows for all the world to see."

They thought it was pretty cool :)

Pregnant with #5!!! Going for a VBAC?

ok, I thought it appropriate to blog about this journey because I'm wearing my SIDS parent stamp a little more these days and thought, "wow, another milestone I have yet to undergo." I'll explain.

We are pregnant with our 5th child. Yes, 4 living, but still 5th child all the same. I'm 2 months along and am making the decision to VBAC. Let me go back a little.

Our first 3 angels were born vaginally with very little drugs, very easy-going labors, nothing too complicated that didn't work itself out. I've never had the epidural, not because it's against my beliefs, although I believe we were made to survive the pain, but because I am TERRIFIED of that needle and that needle going into my spine. :) I have been tempted to get it, but never received it.

Our 4th angel, I was considering, during labor, names that meant "ornery". She never settled head down. I would start labor and it would stop cause she'd flip breech again. Which my body was responding very well, as it was protecting her. I finally went into a labor that refused to stop, she in process finally aligned but never dropped down. The midwife broke my water, thinking that would bring her down to where she was supposed to be. Much to her surprise, she lost her head and because they couldn't find her position, a c-section was ordered. The OB, while in surgery, found her transverse, and a couple months after she was born, she was diagnosed with Sagittal Synostosis (fusion of the sagittal suture), making that a reason as to why her head wouldn't form into the pelvic area for birth. Surgery corrected it, and now she's wonderful.

Our 5th time around, I'm strongly considering a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). Although we are very excited about this next baby, I am getting very nervous about how this is all going to play out. I was told that I was a perfect candidate for it and was told the risks involved. The OB said that I have a 90% chance of having a normal vaginal delivery. 10% chance of complications, which may involve intervention possibly including a "casual" c-section. (one that I have time to get a spinal block for) And I have a 1% chance of my uterus rupturing, which based on baby's heart rate and my blood loss, will delegate how fast they need to get baby out. (possibly emergency c-section where they knock you out completely) All this terrifies me. This situation I find myself in, is making me realize, there's a small, rare obvious chance, I could lose another baby. That thought makes me sick and I think, "What did I get myself into?" I didn't realize the weight of all of it until I'm hearing the OB explain to me,"I say to my patients, a ruptured uterus, when baby's heart rate starts to drop is like a baby at the bottom of a pool. If you get a baby out of the bottom of a pool in 3-4 min. that baby is likely to be just fine, in the end. You wait 10 min. 15, 20 min., then you have a fatal problem. If that baby's heart rate drops, I'll tell you, 'Kailan, we're giving you a c-section, I'll tell you about it when you wake up'." I'm listening to him, trying to be as rational as I can, and suffocating inside at the same time. It's good for me to know the truth, but honestly?! I'm supposed to stand on that, and shout to roof tops," I'll be ok!! Cause I'm in God's hands!!" no, I'm sorry, but to be perfectly honest, I'm too busy crying a liquid plea for God to spare me and this child.

you/OBs say, "well, kailan, there's only a 1% chance of your uterus rupturing. It's sooo rare" Have you read or heard my story?! I live on 1% chances. Let me enlighten you on my soapbox for a moment.

Let's go back;
I'm gonna claim it cause it's part of my life. Suicides. I've had 4 cousins commit suicide. I think that's a "rare" experience.
Colon Cancer. There's a 2.4% chance of dying of colon cancer before age 44. My dad was 39.
SIDS. There's less than 1% chance of having a SIDS baby. Sarah was taken by this.
Craniosynostosis. SAGITTAL (most common in cranio babies). less than 1% chance of babies being born with sagittal synostosis. Tesh had to have surgery on her head for this.
Try telling me that I "only" have a 1% chance of my uterus rupturing and that I'll probably be fine...... and me accept that..... now THAT'S rare....  (yes, I'm a pessimist by nature.... I'm working on it)

To go further, what are the chances that all these things happen to one person in their lifetime... I'm not that good at math and don't care to be. My point, I consider myself unlucky. In more "Christian" words.... "tried to the fullest". I guess that's a better way of putting it. It makes one want to get through it with head held high. sorry, I'm being a little shallow right now, it's ugly. But my nerves got the better of me a few days ago, thinking..."is it worth the risk? Should I go through with this VBAC? Should I schedule a c-section? What's the more riskier thing to do???"

Good news is my midwives get to care for me, just not labor with me. And although I've had a "threatened miscarriage" (my first ever) that's turning out to be a normal pregnancy so far, my spirits are as good as they can be. I've heard baby's heart beat, have felt baby move, have seen baby move on ultrasound. I'm ok..... for now.

Let's go deeper. My research tells me that the more natural I go, the chances of my having an uncomplicated labor are greater. yes, that includes VBACs. So, in attempt to get my confidence back for labor, for the first time I'm taking "Bradley classes" that will teach me everything to know about natural labor and delivery, and will teach Josh, as coach, to labor with me encouraging a natural process. I'm finding these Bradley classes very "christian" and I mean that in the most respectable sense, although I don't know if Dr. Bradley was a christian or not. God designed our bodies, our female bodies, to grow, labor, deliver, and nurse these babies without unnecessary drugs. I'm not saying that we are evil if we take drugs during labor. All first 3 babies of mine, I had a little IV drugs to get past the worst parts. But honestly, what did the world of women do before those drugs? They went ALL IN. I will say, however, I appreciate the medical capabilities of intervention when fatal complications arise. Tesh and I might not be here today if it weren't for the ability to do a c-section, cause babies aren't born transverse and who knows if her head would've gone through anyway. But again, it was my body (that God designed) protecting her, saying, "no, she can't go through there" It's just amazing to me, how God has designed women's bodies to take such a complex, detailed journey to bring forth more creations of His image.

Coming to these points over the last few days, I've decided that a VBAC is less risk for me and baby, then to repeat a c-section. A successful VBAC will allow a crucial natural process for baby's lungs to clear as he travels through the birth canal. It will allow my body a chance to heal properly from such an experience, and I'll be fully able to hold, nurse, and be attentive to my fresh baby right away. A c-section creates more of a risk as any surgery would, for infections, bleeding complications, and less successful future pregnancies and deliveries. It would create a chance of baby having infections from lungs having fluid in them, breathing problems... the list goes on. And another note: my chances of my uterus rupturing could happen anytime late in pregnancy, so the risk is there, regardless of what I decide.

Before I give my final thought, I want to encourage all the mommies that have made decisions to have a c-section over VBACing. I realize that everyone's situation is different and that we, as mothers, are only trying to make the best decision possible for our babies, and I would never want to take that from you.

So, with all that said, here's your window to watching me attempt a VBAC. I say attempt, cause there is, after all, that 1% chance that I'd need an emergency c-section. ;) But, with higher hopes, now that I've put it in it's correct perspective, instead of "kailan's soapbox" perspective, I'm feeling confident about the path I've chosen. Will I fall onto my soapbox again? possibly, but now that I've come to a better place about it, I'm more likely to be quickly reminded that this body is still God's design, no matter what has happened to it in the past. No matter my statistics. (which I hate statistics in the first place cause what God wills is what happens) And that God is sovereign and merciful.

Is my target that big?

I'm realizing how long it's been since I've blogged, which means that there's no health issues in the family, and we are very busy.

Josh and I have learned a lot in our ministry so far, and know we are going to keep learning more about the in's and out's of church leadership. I find it humorous that when we are around a group of pastors, their wives come to me with a predispositioned empathy of appreciation for "the pastor's wife", knowing exactly, the stress that we undergo for our men's positions. It amazing the trials we've been handed situationally, financially, and emotionally. Yes, we've been through great trials in our lives, but it feels as if the fire hydrant has been unleashed!  (yes, truly, as if it has legs and is chasing us around the neighborhood)

Everywhere we look, there's another test we must undertake or there's another situation that needs to be taken care of. I can list off 9 situations (in my head) that we are facing right now, that are... no wait... 10. that are needing our attention, that we are trying to get through, giving our best to conclude them as God wants us to.

Stressed much? ah..... yes. One of the situations being that I must drive my husband to (both) jobs, no matter what condition I'm in, or my kids. How does Kailan deal with stress? STAY HOME!! Has Kailan been able to do that? heck NO! Why is God making me do this when He knows that I feel I need this. ( I say "I feel" cause I get into trouble when I say that IS what I need.)

I'm an introvert, MAJOR. People don't know this about me as well, cause I hide it pretty well... most of the time. Situations, experiences, etc. have taught me how to be "Spirit-led" and move in ways I didn't think I could. But honestly? To stay home, and recharge in my own time, would be wonderful about now, and it IS coming soon. I hope. :)

Josh and I sometimes, look at eachother, and with longing, exhausted eyes, we say, "How are we doing this?" Is this what it's going to be like the whole time we are in ministry like this? If we knew this, would we have gotten into it anyway? By the grace of God, yes, and (taking a long breath) yes.

We feel honored to be suffocated by the world, because we are going against it. No one said honor was easy to uphold. In fact, we were warned about this.... target. We didn't fully understand when it was being said, well... because we have already had a target on our backs.... but I think ours is highlighted or something.

Anywho, all this to say. Please pray for our family, Josh, me, Isaiah, Eve, and Tesh. That we stay strong with only the strength that He can give. That we keep our focus on Him, and not what's coming at us in the world. That we be courageous in these storms that seemingly never subside before the next come.

I shout out a big Thank you to all our support at Crosspoint, the Pastor and family, the youth leaders, the worship band, and the parents of our teen students. Without all of you, we wouldn't be able to stand as strong as we have.    

There is absolutely nothing to report on Tesh, except the fact that she has a temper to match her uncle, and she's beautiful !!! She's healthy. Isaiah and Eve are doing well, and loving school. Isaiah is going to be just like his daddy! I'm excited about that. Eve.... well.... unfortunately... she's going to be a lot like me... I'd better start working on her now. lol.

May you come to understand there is a target on your back as well, and satan would love nothing more than to devour you. May you be wise enough to see through that deception, and keep your relationship with your King, close.

6 Impossible Things...

I have to admit, I love the new Alice in Wonderland movie. It makes you want to dream bigger, and be more confident about your ideas and obstacles you must face in life. As a Christ-follower, we are here seeking out His children out of love for The Father to help bring them back to Him, while giving all the glory to God.

In the movie, as Alice is facing the jabberwocky that she must "slay or die", she thinks about 6 impossible things that are real in this wonderland, that are not seen in her world at home. The last one being that she slays that jabberwocky.... and she succeeds, just as she was destined to. She was told that she was merely the bearer of the one that was going to actually do the slaying.... the vorpol sword... (interesting) 

Every Christmas is a milestone for us, especially when we still have babies in the house. Tesh is 16 months old now, and today is December 17th. The anniversary of Sarah's death. It's been 4 years now. I've already had 2 faithful friends call me to see how I was doing. This has been a big year for our family. With all of Tesh's health issues, her failure to thrive, intolerance's, dysphagia, and her cranial surgery, that alone has made this year seem like it lasted forever. Then you add on my health issues with my hormone imbalances (which probably was exasperated by stress) that made things extra hard to stay focused. And GREAT things happened this year, like Josh finally landing a position as youth pastor at CrossPoint Church in Bondurant. The youth leaders have been so great and so helpful as we are transitioning. We've learned a lot this year, a lot about ourselves, and about God's love and provision for us.

As I have met with old and new SIDS parents, there is a commonality of paranoia. We have this painful burning desire to make SURE that are kids are safe. Parents think that way anyway, but it becomes even more painful when you've lost a child already. It's always on your mind, like a ringing in your ear that won't go away. You become obsessed, and at times... crazy.

My way of dealing with Sarah's death is a little different than most SIDS parents, not that I haven't met one that does things the way we've done them, but we don't always "fit in" with your average SIDS parents with the way we handle certain things.

My short list that I'm about to give has been part of the healing process for us. That is to say with only God's peace and strength have we been able to do so. My six impossible things (for a SIDS parent) in this last year.....

1) Babies do not sleep with an apnea monitor.

2) Babies sleep with blankets, maybe even when they are old also.  

3) Babies sleep on their bellies when they do it themselves.

4) Keeping the priority relationship in check, and not becoming child-centered.
5) Living through another trauma with another baby.
6)  Conquering milestones, even on anniversaries.

Allow me to explain my success with these "impossible things"

1) We used the apnea monitor for a few weeks total with Tesh before it collected dust on our shelf. I found it several months later, only to call the number and have them take it back. Satan has no power over me.

2) Blankets, bumpers, it's always the top concern of a SIDS parent. Although I'm careful about using crocheted blankets only when they are little, I will willingly tuck my baby in at night. Satan has no power over me.

3) I remember a moment when I was at a peak freak out with Tesh's health issues. That particular day I was at my lowest of lows, and then it happened. I went to check on sleeping Tesh (she was around 7 months old) and she was on her belly. I just stared at her, standing over her crib, and then the Spirit spoke to me saying, "walk away, I've got her, she's fine." I knew right then that satan was toying with me, and I walked away, and did NOT turn her over. Satan has no power over me!

4) A lot of parents tend to be child-centered, a lot of SIDS parents are definitely child-centered. Focusing only on the children and not their Love that got them there. Thanks to God and Growing Kids, we have tried our best to be attentive to one another, sacrificing for one another, and holding our relationship priority over our relationship with our children. Satan has no power over us.

5) Oh my goodness, yes, I freaked out about Tesh's issues all over the place, BUT when it came to crunch time, I handed over my baby to a person that was going to be in control over her deep sleep while her head was cut open. I win. Satan has no power over me.

6) Little milestones hit us everywhere, whether they are ones that come to us or we seek them out. I've decided that I'm going to accomplish something every Christmas that brings me closer to healing and living a normal Christ-focused life. Although it may seem small, it was big to me this year. Tesh was still in our room sleeping in her crib right beside my spot on the bed. I kept her there longer than normal (for me) cause I felt the need to watch her closer with all her issues, which was warranted. But not so warranted anymore. Last night I moved her in with her siblings. All 3 in one room, giving us our room back. I woke up this morning to Sarah's angel day and Tesh not beside me for the first time in her life, as I could hear her little babbles to her siblings across the way. I love them all together. They love it too.  Take that satan, you have no power over me!

I have slayed the dragon.... only this one's like a cat with nine lives. : /

He comes back with more and more, but all I have to do is bear "the sword".

Happy Angel Day Sarah. I love you and miss you terribly, but I know that someday I'll see you again.

*update on Tesh: She's doing beautifully, no one believes me that she even had anything wrong with her. We are working on her intolerance's still, her dysphagia is almost none existent, and her head looks great and hair is growing! She's walking along furniture and real steps are just around the corner. She's smart and a goofball like her brother.

Merry Christmas!

3 Month Post Op Appt. In Iowa City

 Just giving an update on Tesh.
She is doing awesome! Her development is going well. She was nearing the time to where an OT would have been needed, but crawled at the last minute before I had to make those arrangements. She started crawling at 10 1/2 months, then she started pulling herself up on furniture just a couple weeks ago at 11 mos. She'll be 12 mos. (1 year old!!!) Oct. 18th. We are very excited about it.

Her dysphagia issues continue to improve. I've moved her from pureed foods to thickening it up more, and chunking it slightly with very soft foods. (example- bananas) She'll still get overwhelmed at times with the thicker stuff, but she pulls through it ok. She hasn't gagged in a few weeks. She's also learning to drink from a sippy.

 As far as her allergy/intolerances go..... we've found she can't have oatmeal either. And she's allergic to dogs. :( (non-hypoallergenic dogs) Poor girl!

 So no birthday cake for the birthday girl this year. (for both reasons of dysphagia and intolerances)  Maybe next year. :)
Her head is coming along great. We had our 3 month post operative appointment yesterday. An xray was taken and showed good improvement of head shape and no progressive fusion. The skull, where it was cut, is now "jelled" together, but that's ok. The "jelling" will still move, allowing the brain to grow properly. In the xray you can see the faint grey areas where her gap was and that's the "jelling" What we don't want is there to be hard skull in those areas, that would mean premature fusing again, which would result in a second surgery. Right now she is safe. She is deemed helmet free. That "jelling" will protect her head for the most part. Some extra care needs to be had still, but there's no complete gap like a newborn's soft spot anymore.

 There was only one main concern I still had about her head that I talked to the docs. about. Her sweet forehead. Where her temples are and it dents in, leaving her forehead very narrow still worries me. My personal concern is that the metopic is fused and that her forehead won't move. The docs. do not see that happening, at least not for medical concerns. They said that she'll probably always have her narrower forehead because the older they are when surgery is had, the more "stuck" the skull gets. She was much older than when they normally have these surgeries because she had so many other medical issues that needed attention first. They said it should widen a little as she grows, but that it'll be something her hair will have to cover. It was also discussed that if it bothered us we could have her go in for another surgery for cosmetic reasons to fix her forehead more and that they usually do those when they are 7 or 8 years old. I turned it down right away, I won't make any of my kids go through a surgery like that for just cosmetic reasons. If it bothers her that much then she can beg me when she's WAY older and we'll talk. But I have a feeling that it'll be just fine. She's got such a happy-go-lucky spirit about her, most of the time. I don't see this getting her down.

But for now.... she's healthy! Happy! Learning her boundaries! and enjoying life as only a baby, soon to be toddler can..
She is growing up way too fast.

It was nice coming into an appt. feeling very optimistic and going away with a smile of relief on my face.

While we were there, we talked to an interesting 19 year old girl that had spinabifida. They had been in and out of Iowa City since she was 7, her mother said. This girl was walking so normally, I would've never guessed, that that was what she had. She had her almost 2 year old son with her and was told she shouldn't have babies, and she's looking forward to having more. And she was in a bike accident. So with all these things together, she's had to learn how to walk 4 times. She had such a good attitude about life. It was inspiring hearing her story and seeing a family pull together like that. She is "walking" proof that miracles do still happen.

My Attempt to Express the Unexpressable......

I'm feeling the need to write right now. My husband and I just watched the movie, "the Curious Case of Benjamin Button." It was a good movie, we didn't appreciate some of the material in it, but overall, it gave a new perspective to life.... the beauty of the simplest things, that hardly anyone ever notices, but they walk by them each and every day.

This main character, Benjamin Button had the curious case of reverse aging. I was expecting him to look younger and younger but in the height... I was wrong... Sorry to spoil anyone's "first time watching this movie" but they actually had him become (literally) a little boy with dementia, to a toddler that was forgetting how to speak, to an infant. As the love of his life, who was very old at this point, was rocking him, they looked at each other deeply for a moment, and then she watched him close his eyes for the last time as if he just fell asleep....

I immediately threw my hands over my face and burst into tears. I'm crying again, just writing this, reliving that moment. My heart is aching so much right now, as if I had just lost her yesterday. It's been almost 4 years since she left, and today I sit, still having moments of being suffocated by this pain. I began imagining if she would've died like that....
in my arms....   while I was rocking her to sleep.

Would that have been better? Made things easier? Knowing that she will die soon?
I can't answer these questions. I'm getting a head ache just thinking about it all.

After the movie was over, Josh and I just sat there on the couch as I cried my eyes out. We began reminising about her. I remember when I first saw her smile. It wasn't with her mouth though. It was with her eyes. It was the weirdest thing, and I have yet to find another infant to do what she did. She'd look at us and then her eyes would light up and they would smile....
and then of course, later, came the big smiles; eyes, mouth, cheeks, arms and legs. Her blue eyes.....

Oh, I miss her so much. I wish I had the words to express what I'm feeling right now. I would just love to cradle her in my arms once more. I want my job back.... not that I could do it better, but because I love her and always will.

I really need to go to bed.


Oh, Lord Jesus