May The Flamingos Pick Your Nose

I posted this poster on facebook this morning....

Although this is very true of me, in every aspect, I reread this and thought, 'where is that 2nd side these days? Haven't seen her in months!!' My depression has squashed my "fun and crazy side", making me go from quiet to an insane mess. Of course, I only unleash the insanity in the security of my home. ((big double blink with a ding))

How could you not love me, right?

I used to do weird things all the time, you know, like wearing the flamingo glasses up side down, making the heads point up my nose. Or when I walked around with a dart stuck to my forehead. Or when some friends and I would record crazy personalities on camera, looking completely ridiculous. (where are those videos?) How could you not love me, right? d:  I'm quirky and I'm proud of it.

But where did I lose her? (yes, I like talking about myself as if I have multiple personalities) Will I get her back? I see her from time to time, but never as regularly as it used to be.

I've been on this journey of finding my retreats, making peace with grace, seeking my value to Him, working out my health issues, and I'm also finding that I suck at sustainability. I've been slapped in the face, by nature, because apparently she doesn't like me enough to work with me. I'm working on that relationship, she's touchier and more stubborn than I am, I think.

I've been going in a down spiral like this:
Initial and prolonged stress (trauma from experiencing deaths of loved ones)
 >> is producing depression
>>is producing low immunity
>>is producing screwed up hormones, with frequent sicknesses/ headaches
>> is producing depression
>> so when added stress (like with what I've been dealing with recently) come into play
>>equals Kailan burning out and not able to function

That's my miserable side in a nut shell. I say "side" very strongly, cause I have a wonderful husband, and wonderful children, strong family and friends that I wouldn't trade for anything. I do consider myself blessed.

I am working on my health issues that include diet (gluten free :( yikes! Oh, bread, wherefore my bread?!) and I'm looking into things like essential oils too, so I'll let you know how all that goes all in good time. But stress is my biggest culprit and I need to learn how to deal with stress, before it engulfs me any further.

I used to call myself a "walking curse" (even recently) and I've decided to stop. I need to stop owning trials as if I'm cursed. I need to stop questioning God as to why He created me in the first place. I need to live in the Truth that I am here, by His will. I've been reading lots of C.S. Lewis as of late.

   "We are, not metaphorically but in very truth, a Divine work of art, something that God is making, and therefore something with which He will not be satisfied until it has a certain character."  C.S. Lewis, Problem of Pain

He also explains how when we desire for Him to leave us be, when it comes to the pain of trials and tests, that we are not asking for more love, we are asking for less.

  "The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell." CS Lewis

"Be careful what you wish for." takes on a deeper meaning when you read things like this.

I'm beginning to understand many other things that I've always thought of, but never was able to organize in my head. Which, of course, is leading me to deeper questions, but that's part of following Christ. It makes me miss my dad all the more, wishing I could prod at his brain for his thoughts and wisdom on such subjects. Thank God for patient friends!

Yes, this is a dark season for me, but hopefully soon, as promised, the dawn will find my face.

My latest chorus follows....

"As light of dawn finds my face,
whispers of Your love, for your beloved.
You shape my soul at Your pace,
whispers of Your love. Here I am.
 I am she. "

I Believe I Can Float.

I'm going to hit 3 different topics with this post. I'm going to attempt to keep them each short... ((unsure giggle)) ... I give you my best anyway. These topics have not much to do with one another, however, it's me, and this is only a GLIMPSE into my random mind, that I'm making sense for all of you. Did that sentence even make sense? It did to the ones that are like me, I'm sure. Anywho, moving on.


Number one:
Frugally Sustainable.
 As we've been learning more about this, some interesting things have been happening to us. Our basement apparently has a love/hate relationship with water. We can never seem to keep it dry down there. There's seepage after every heavy rain. And we've been recently trying to unclog our main drains down there, that have flooded up in our basement.... ew. As we were resolving some of said disgustingness, we were realizing our hot water heater is dripping. Seriously?! It seems it's one thing after another, all of the sudden. (don't even get me started on our van!) We have only so much to spend to try and fix all this, so we both decided, we're going to have to choose priorities and slowly get everything taken care of. My priority was not the hot water heater, so off it goes until it's turn on the list for a new one. We've been boiling water for all our hot water needs. It feels very poineerish, and it's really not so bad. Of course, it's HOT outside, so cold water is welcome right now anyway. It's made me appreciate water/ hot water, all the more. I have best friends in Africa that have to collect the rain water in huge towers beside their house, and THAT's their water supply for EVERYTHING! No "city water" for them. If they can manage, I'm sure can. 
If you want to be a huge target for satan to mess with your material items and learn more about how to live frugally then you can start here >> http://frugallysustainable.com/2011/11/23-day-frugal-living-challenge-join-us/ We're not very far into it, of course, but we're a working progress.


Number two:
Anger Management
If you've been reading my blog, you probably have noticed some posts about some "little" anger issues I have been having recently... I swear I feel bipolar when it comes to my emotions and circumstances that happen.
-I've gone from seeing the sun start to rise, to feeling worthless as it burns my skin.
-From hope of a fresh start, to history haunting me and taunting me. 
-From taking a breath of air, to quickly suffocating from sneaky hands that wrap their fingers around my neck.
-I've been fighting feelings of feeling like people around me (even good friends) are treating me like I'm a little girl that can't handle certain news. I've even been questioning who my real friends are. 
 My husband finally pegged it for me. (God love him) The deceiver has been reading scripture to me and I've been believing the lies that comes with how he preaches.
-The sun is rising, and my skin can burn.
-I'm capable of taking a first step, and capable of stumbling over the same stone I've already passed.
-I can breathe, and there are hands waiting to grab hold of me. 
-I have friends that are keeping things from me. 
These things are all "true". I'm not being gullible to lies. Then why do I have this need "to be done?" Is this it? Shall I eat worms now?
That's what he'd have me believe. There's more Truth that he purposefully won't nag me about. Where's the "more Truth" part? I'm finding it.
- The sun is rising, my skin can burn, but the One who made the sun is teaching me how to condition myself to it's strength. With every sun, comes a new challenge, a new purpose for what God has for me to do for Him. 
- I'm capable of taking a first step, capable of stumbling over that same stone, but because of Christ's blood cleansing me enabling the Holy Spirit to work through me, there is Power there that can guide and protect my steps. And no stone will stop Him. 
- I can breathe, there are hands waiting to smite me, but this body is merely a vessel on Earth, and I am a child of God that holds the power of Jesus' name over any true enemies. (demons)   It is God that gives me breath, not him. 
- I have friends. I have family. They need to get over trying not to upset me, however, they do it because they care about me. And God has blessed me with great friends, that have reminded me of that "more Truth" that I seem to forget sometimes.
I'm still a working progress, but I'm getting there.


Number three:  I saved my "not so much of a downer" shpeel for last.
I love my kids!
Naomi is getting so fat and beautiful. ok, I really didn't have any new information there. I thank God for my kids. Alright I love my biggest kid of all, my husband. You know, going through all this has definitely brought us together even more. It's given us a new set of challenges to face, but we know that together, with Christ at the center, we can overcome anything. I'm not saying that I haven't wanted to hurt him recently out of my irritability, (poor hubby) but he loves me so much, I'm not sure how, but that always wins me over, and makes me want to be that much closer to him. I absolutely LOVE our jam sessions in the morning and night. He'll play his guitar and I'll be on my ukulele and we'll play and sing until our fingers hurt. ... or until one of the "wingdings" needs our attention.
Genesis 1:31a  "And God saw all that He had made, and behold, it was very good."

Me and my other half. 

A New Leaf and Hay Fever

Wow.... I'm going to try and simplify all that I want to say cause, well... there's a lot.

Currently, our family has been seeking what God wants us to do for ministry next. As we were seeking this out, we were also "selling" our house, going to a church that's not "in town", and dreaming of maybe finding a church to minister with in ..hmm... maybe.. Colorado? (we live in Iowa)

I thought all this through one day and came to something that was so heavy, I couldn't wait to share it with my husband when I got home.

The answer became clear to me.... "Here"

Preface: We've been trying to sell our house (on and off for 5years) for reason of the fact that I don't like the city we live in, but also, its a 2 bedroom and we have 4 living and growing children. That makes 6 of us! To the average American, that's an "Oh my goodness! You guys NEED a bigger house!" That was our thinking too... until now. But for some reason, God was not moving us. We were stuck. We barely know our neighbors, I was rarely outdoors, or we were always gone, doing some church thing somewhere else. We have a good block, but the city is not my thing... I grew up in a small town. That's what I'm comfortable with.

I asked myself one day... Who are we trying to minister too? Why are we ministering? My answer? Hope. The Hope of Jesus. Whether you are a Christian or not, everyone needs hope to survive, and everyone wrestles with hope, especially if they normally have little to no money.

Ah, little to no money. Our family is labeled, "low income" family. For good reason, we make very little money, in our one income, no degree (yet) household. I'm not complaining, just trying to give you some insight to our present situation. We are living the typical low income life, living just within city limits life, mostly paycheck to paycheck.

We live in a community that is living the same way, the main difference is, Hope. We have Hope. Sometimes, we struggle with that even, but family (in the fullest sense of that word) are always there to lift us up because we are children of God. "God was not moving us." We need to be "here". We are in a huge community that need the Hope of Jesus, whether it be encouraging fellow Christians along the way, and allowing them to encourage us, or/also, it be people that have no hope, no Jesus in their lives. We need to tap into the community, we call ourselves stuck in, and re-frame our perspective into "this is the community God has trusted us with." "Here" is where our ministry lies.

We are living proof, by our income, and lifestyle, that even though life sucks a lot of the time, you can still live with hope and rise above this world. That there is more to life than status, income, and outward appearance. Then when we wake up in the morning, we don't have to carry weight that we can hand over to God. That we don't have to be controlled by "the man." That we can live frugally sustainable and be holy. That we can have fun as one BIG family of this community. We already have fun with our music, art, games, etc. within our house walls, why not go outside of our walls and share THAT love, THAT evangelism, THAT family fun that we were created to share. (True Church) Why keep looking outside of this community, that probably needs our ministry the most? We need to stay "Here".

After I puked all this up to Josh, we talked about maybe putting the words, "JUST KIDDING" on our "for sale" sign in the front yard, and give our neighbors a good last laugh.

Now, in order to successfully do this, we need to change some things. We need to keep learning to become as frugal and sustainable as possible. And when we do this, we'll be able to teach others and share what we've learned so they too can live, create, produce and cultivate the ground that God has given us. So although Josh and I have been living pretty frugal all our lives, we need to change our perspective of what it truly means to live frugal. We've learned that it does not always mean cheap. It does not mean we are deprived.

It truly means "to be content with what you already have." hmm. that sounds biblical! It also means to use what you have to it's fullest, not let things go to waste. Eat healthy, be healthy. Use your home and make it sustain your family and thrive, use your land and make it produce to it's full potential.

Now, we live on the East side of Des Moines. So our little lot may not produce as much as acreages would, however, it's what God has given us, and I believe He knows what He's doing. I'm not sure Josh and I would do so well having THAT much land anyway. We are content in having our small house. In fact, it's made our kids that much closer, not just in living quarters :) but also in their friendships. And of course, they don't get away with much cause I SEE EVERYTHING!!! MUAAHHHHAHAHAHHAA (evil laugh)

One of the main things we've heard about our home from others is how "real" it is. We take that as a compliment. It's not a mansion, it's the home we've made it into. We do love our home, and are continuing to fall in love with it the more we think about staying. We're planning ways to make it better sustain us. How to take care of our family frugally. It's not easy, it's work and sacrifice, but we know this is best for our family. We've learned a lot reading this blog (www.frugallysustainable.com) and we are so thankful to Andrea for sharing her wisdom. What a ministry she has! What freedom she's taught us! We want to do that, in this broken, hopeless world.

On another note: Praises to God, my Naomi is getting fat, and Isaiah finished his first year of "official" school. (whatever that means in homeschool language) ;) Tesh just passed her 2 year post op anniversary, and is beautiful and healthy. Eve has conquered her fear of water and has learned to swim without her wings, this summer! My garden (4th attempt) is growing a little, we'll see what kind of harvest we end up with. And the hubs is LOVED by his bosses, loves his job, and we can't wait to dive together into what God has in store for us in this community.

Living Life Fuller

As I write this, 2 of my best friends and their 4 children are flying over to Africa to serve as missionaries for 2 years.
I've recently posted pictures on facebook of the last time we spent together, and couldn't help but cry. I'm so very proud of them, they are doing one of the bravest things, I'm just going to miss them so much. I've prayed for their safety, but also for their opportunities that they'll embark.

Let me give you some history... well, the history that we have with them.

We met at youth group.... no, not our youth group, as youth group leaders. :)

(typical life as youth leaders) :P





 Being youth leaders comes with a territory. You have to be weird, not afraid to be silly or look stupid, and you have to let the inner child out. When you find fellow like minded youth leaders, they are like "gems". That's where Josh and I met Owen and Stephanie. Owen and I are the analytical ones, while Josh and Stephanie are free spirits. Owen brought sense to Josh, Josh made it easy for Owen to run around like a little boy with him. Stephanie and I were a fit with our similar mothering ways, of course, she is really good at calming me down when I need it. We are all a perfect match!

Their oldest little girl happens to be the same age as what our Sarah would've been. So it's been a gift to watch her grow up. Our Isaiah has proposed to their Larinda... yikes... totally supportive, just not until they are way older... :) Of course, I think their Gaby may be in competition with her older sister over this boy... we'll see. Eve loves playing with all those girls, as if she doesn't have enough sisters of her own...  Stephanie and I were pregnant together with Macy and Teshura. Then they finally had their boy, Omri, and I had yet another girl.. Naomi.

Their story? They knew eachother from when they were little. They married just a day or 2 before Prom. yes, that's highschool Prom.
 He was being deployed shortly after cause he was an IT for the military.

Owen would be the tallest one here.

 He did this for 4 years, until they decided to be missionaries. Obviously, there's a lot of details here, but here's the highlights. And here's their blog if you want to know more about what they do now. www.livinglifefuller.com

Owen is the white one. 

Owen is working as an IT, in Africa, through MAF. (Mission Aviation Fellowship) Stephanie will be the supportive wife as she's always been, learning to live in the East DRC of Africa, and showing God's love to whomever she comes across. It won't be hard for either of them to show God's love, but I won't say that this trip is going to be easy for them. I'm sure there will be trials. It's how you face each trial, what you make of it, and how you praise God coming out of it, that's what matters. My prayer is that they find God in people that will surround them, support them, and stand in that gap for them. They will probably come back home to us exhausted after being there for 2 years. But I'm imagining it will be a good exhausted.










They've been there for us through so much life. They've been there through our continued healing with losing Sarah. We were there when Owen had to be deployed again, and Stephanie was supported with friends and family. They were there when we had all the issues with Tesh. Our husbands are there for eachother, especially when they need it most. Stephanie and I can call talk about anything. Through the joys and trials of parenting. oh my... the list could go on.....

Both of our families :) 

Their fellowship is priceless to us. Both families in the ministry. Both families young with LOTS of kids. Both families love God and love eachother. My tears are sad for my own selfish reasons of missing them. However, I will never stand in their way cause they are about to do great things and I'm excited, with them,  to see how.

....as they live life fuller ;)

Deescalating Anger

I hate roller coasters. really. I'm deathly afraid of heights. I actually experience a little bit of vertigo when so high. I've been dragged on roller coasters when I was a lot younger, and knew I'd never get on them again. Been there, done that, not my motto for everything but I can say that for this.

This is not about roller coasters. Although it feels like we've been on one, and it's time to get. off.

I've been trying to find a way to write about my anger without saying names, places, etc. I wouldn't want to do that to them. So I'm going to try and keep my writings about myself, rather than the "other people" ... phew... I can see it already..<I'll get to that in a bit.

My name is kailan, and I have an anger problem.... (and a depression problem, but you already know that about me if you've read my other posts) uh.. I'm a mess... anywho. .. ehem....

I've been angry. I'm not talking about just disappointed, or irked. I'm talking REALLY really angry. The kind of angry that could get me into trouble. .... hey! not with the law, although... nevermind. anyway, more like getting me into trouble spiritually. God's pretty much scolded me on my behavior.

My actions haven't been so much the issue, it's more a heart issue. Do I feel wronged? Was I wronged? Heck yeah, buddy. I could tell you all about it, but I won't. That wouldn't be ladylike. and it wouldn't be bondservantish either... yes, I just made up a word. but you totally know what I mean, so I get away with it..:)

See? In my particular situation, I was wronged, the other party probably doesn't know about how they've wronged me or to what depths they've wronged me. I'm not sure the other party even likes me, I know they don't trust me. Which kind of hurts any friendship we may have had. So I remain with a painful relationship, no apologies, ..... ignorance has not been bliss..... but this is not my point in writing.

Even though I've gotten out of this wrong, for us, situation, I've been chewing on it ever since. Have you ever chewed on something so long that you are almost dreading swallowing it cause you're already gagging at the feeling of the mush in your mouth, and you know you're going to throw up if you keep it in there any longer??? Yeah.... I finally puked. It wasn't pretty. The ugly situation I was in, I was allowing it to make me ugly.

I didn't know what I wanted to happen. If he apologizes, I won't believe him. If he tries to befriend me now, I'll think it's out of pity or obligation. Do I just want him to know? How I feel? How he hurt me? How he's effected our family? or relationships? Do I hang on the solace of him knowing? Do I ought to cling to something like that? Is that right? I need resolve. How do I get through this anger with no resolve?.... something was eating away at me. something I was missing.

We've been visiting a couple different churches and I've been sitting in sermons that are just speaking to me. It's like God was making sure I was listening and getting what He was trying to tell me. First of all, I've gained perspective. The "Bigger" picture. You know... the kind of picture that shows me that one day I'm going to be standing in the face of God and none of this is going to matter. The kind of picture that shows me that one day I'll be standing beside this person, in fellowship together, worshiping God together in heaven. "Crap! He's my brother".... those words make me whine.....
(I know this is ugly, but honest)

As ignorant as he may or may not be, I am not. I know better. I know I need to forgive. When apologies are given they are for them to let go, not I. It's kind of like the respect thing. We respect people because that's what we are commanded to do, not because we deserve it. We deserve hell.... you do. I do. Jesus died and conquered that death, so we didn't have to. Do I deserve an apology? ... I deserve nothing...

(just a disclaimer on all this: this has been punching me in the stomach over and over, and it's taken months for me as I sat in my anger and finally come to all this.)

One pastor put it as so perfectly for me. It was like a final slap in the face. He said, "Sometimes our flesh may become offended by God." I literally ran that sentence over and over in my head. I was struggling so much with forgiveness. A forgiveness that I was being commanded to do. Something God was telling me to do and I wasn't doing it, because I felt he offended me too greatly. God was teaching me "the grace" lesson. Something my anal Law bound personality struggles with. And I was sticking my nose up, with my face turned away. ugly.... ugly... christian.... yeah..... that's me. And then I puked some more with the help of some close friends that didn't mind holding my hair back.

Then, one of my favorite pastors, said something that tied all these beatings together. (that's the only way I know how to describe it, cause this anger was so very painful, and it was taking painful truths to overcome it) He said, "Check your pride."

Man! There's that pride word again... How is it seriously prideful, when I've done nothing wrong, in fact I was the wronged one, and now I'm paying for it by getting sick and puking, and expecting him to.... to..... ??? Daaahhh! I don't even know how to explain it.... but all I knew is I was finally coming to the end of it...

My pride is holding onto a justice that isn't my call. My pride is fighting grace.

"Sometimes our flesh may be offended by God."

I'm learning some tough lessons. I feel like I have welts on my heart. But they will heal. Because the grace that I need to give him, is that very grace that I receive from God, that bleeds Love that produces grace because we are both equally that precious to Him.

That's a long sentence. Is that a run-on?

I feel better... I've missed Him.

the ultimate Provider!

I'm not even sure where to start. Let me back up a little bit.

Last Thursday, Naomi weighed in at 6 lbs. 2oz... not even her birth weight. I cried. Got depressed. I cried more. Got mastitis. Almost died. Cried more. Posted in my blog about it. and cried.

I've had a couple friends contact me since then. I have 2 different kinds of friends. The first kind are the ones who are sweet, they'd never say anything negative to you, they do nothing but encourage you, give you hugs, let you know that "everything is going to be alright." ...

...then there's the second kind. They are the ones that are still sweet, but they'll give me a kick in the pants if I need it. They hold me accountable and encourage me, they still hug me, and then send me out, with a swift shove to be on my way.

I love having both. It's like salt and pepper. :) Both kinds of friends have been contacting me especially since my last post on here. and I needed that. I have been feeling so encouraged. I hit a bottom this last weekend and I needed my friends to come alongside me, take my hand, and pull me out of my corner.

I have learned a few things about myself recently, things I need to work on.
A dear cousin said to me, after encouraging me to pray and claim Jesus' name for my healing and Naomi's health, she wrote to me, "don't let nursing become your god." As soon as I read that sentence, I could feel a little knife at my chest. I didn't think a sentence like that would gnaw at me. ..... ouch.

Then another mother, a newfound friend of mine, told me of her experience of having the similar supply issues.  She wrote to me saying,"I remember I had been praying so hard to be able to nurse and feeling so let down. But then God really touched me. I felt like He was saying that He would always provide for my babies and it wasn't up to me. I am so blessed to even have other options to feed my children, many don't have that. I think it was an area of pride for me, so God used this to make me more like Him."  (I underlined the part that struck me the most)

Pride? I was being prideful about it? ouch again. I know it's worth fighting for, but when the answer is clearly "NO" then it's a battle I must surrender to. Why is the answer no? I have no clue! All I know is that "no" is going to have to be ok with me. Can I birth babies naturally? yes. Can I feed babies naturally? no, not quite. It sucks.

I tell my kids, all the time, "No" and when they whine about it, and tell them, "Stop whining. You need to be ok with this" yikes.......

I was coming to all this before the appt. with the nurse practitioner to get Naomi weighed again.

First, (last Thursday) I got angry and decided to supplement her with a whole world of guilt and depression on my shoulders. Shortly after that, I had been mostly forced to surrender to full supplements because of my being sick. When I came out of that, I started willingly surrendering to it cause that's simply what she needed and I started letting go. Reading and hearing the words from my friends, I was encouraged to let God be God, and be stripped of my pride over this.

I am still nursing, somewhat, but she's mainly getting fed through the supplements.

It's been 5 days since her last weigh in. I was anxious, but somewhat confident that things would look pretty good. I read back in my posts about Tesh's FTT and at one point I had gotten her to gain 10 oz. in 2 days. I trusted the fact that I could do that again. ....

..... and I did and more! Naomi now weighs 7lbs. 5oz.! That's a whopping 19 oz. in 5 days people!! (and that was on an empty stomach too) It made the nurse and the nurse practitioner's eyes widen! :) I couldn't help but laugh.

Thank you Lord! You are Great and Merciful! You are the ultimate Provider. You are Strong. Forgive me for putting way too much stock in my ability to nurse her over Your ability to provide for her.

This is a broken world. But He has overcome it. (John 16:33)
"If then you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God." (Colossians 3:1-3)

Another Failure to Thrive...oh the dreaded words...

I've had a busy last few days, plummeting into another depression over how much my body is failing. Apparently, according to my own observation, my body can't carry babies past a certain weight, no matter if they are ready or not, AND my milk just won't keep up anymore, no matter what I do.

I have officially heard the words yesterday as my wonderful nurse was dropping off medicine to me cause I now have mastitis on top of all this. She is, indeed, failure to thrive. I looked it up online to see what her growth chart looked like and she is not on the chart at all. The midwife and nurse have been great advocates for my nursing and we've all been thinking of new things to try and get her to gain weight, but now it's coming to a point where we can't wait any longer to "try" things. She needs the weight on and needs it now. Her last weigh in was not good, as it was only 3oz. more than last time. When I saw this I knew I had to change things up and I wasn't going to like it. We've been introducing soy formula to help supplement and she seems to be doing well with it. (thank God, no intolerance)

 I didn't realize how bad she was, and those words are sounding all too familiar. After 24 hrs. of feeding her with lots of extra supplement, she was fussing while I was making breakfast for the kids yesterday. When I finally got to her, I noticed tears. I remember seeing tears when she cried when she was within 2 weeks old, but hadn't seem them in so long, and I realized.... "was she that dehydrated?" How could I have not seen it? I'm being honest here, I feel I have failed in so many things with her. I made her gaining weight such a priority that I was neglecting my other kids cause I always had her in my arms, and I still couldn't get her to gain. I don't blame my intentions or my heart in it, I blame my body. Josh and I have even had discussions about really being done having babies. Which, on one side, it makes me sad cause I'll never enjoy a normal healthy infant again (of my own anyway), but on the flip side, it's almost relieving to think about "being done" because I can't take this heart ache any longer. This makes 2 failure to thrive babies in a row. I was convincing myself that Tesh's issues were just a fluke and that this baby would be normal. Now I'm thinking maybe my body is trying to tell me something.

I can't even think straight on a spiritual level about all this, cause I could go in circles forever and then this post would be entirely too long. hm... free will.... God's will.... AHH!! anywho.

Last night was torture for me. I'm getting sinus sick, and I have extremely painful mastitis on top of it. My milk is low at the moment, so the supplements for Naomi are greater. I can't keep up with any of it. Thank GOD for husbands!! He's been such a trooper in all this. I was almost delirious last night because of all of it, feeling like I was going to die. Oxy moron: it was Good Friday. I even thought about it, in my misery, the way that Jesus must have felt and of course His situation was much worse than mine.

I found myself, this morning, reading some of my old posts on here about when Tesh was found failure to thrive and they put us in the hospital and the whole works. We're pretty sure there's nothing seriously wrong with Naomi so THANKFULLY we are still home because they did not do anything I can't do. I know the routine. Fortified calories formula.. and shove it all down their throat. I am bound and determined to get her fat! I've cried numerous tears over the possibilities that she may have to stop nursing, but reading my trails I left going through Tesh's issues with this, made me feel better. Her health is worth more than my need to nurse. Of course, I know breast milk is best.... yeah, but that's IF YOU HAVE IT!! That's where my problem lies. I can't even depend on Naomi nursing well enough to help me through the mastitis, so it's somewhat her fault too, I guess.

My nurse even had to ask me if I was ok. She noticed I wasn't being myself, and of course, one of her jobs is to watch me, as well as watch baby. I had to admit to her I wasn't ok. My emotions are hanging on Naomi's success. She's not doing well, and that depresses me. When she does well, I'll be ok. Of course, mind you, all this is amplified because of my history with losing Sarah, and dealing with Tesh's issues. And can't even talk about it without crying.

This Easter weekend has knocked me into a place of stopping. I have missed 2 services and probably will miss Sunday because of my being sick, and it's literally made me stop. Last night, especially, I couldn't even feed Naomi, I was so weak and in pain. Josh had to bottle feed her most of the night. I've definitely hit a bottom with all this. When I woke up, Tesh was cuddling with me, and couldn't help but look at her and think, "I didn't fail her. She IS here and healthy" Even Isaiah (my 7 yr. old) said to me, "It's ok Mom, for her to have formula. It's not like she's gonna die or anything." ..... oh dear.... leave it to him to say things like that.

 It'll be interesting what the near future holds, but it better involve a fat baby.