Trials Produce Compost?

The grass is always greener on the other side...

No really. The grass, is seriously, greener on the other side of the fence. Because of the height of our mansion... er 2 bedroom house.. whatever, I can see over our neighbors privacy fence. It was a sunny moment (in this incredibly rainy season) and you could see their beautiful green grass glow as the dogs skipped about in it, frolicking in the sum beams. Their empty patio swings were beckoning me.

Then reality would hit and I'd lean over my window sill, looking into my own yard. The trees smother almost any sunlight wanting to reach it. Full of mud, weeds, and sticks, my yard looks depressed. I told my husband that our yard reflected our hardships and the condition we are in now as those hardships leave us in their wake, ....depressing.

I do have a small garden plot that's in the corner of where the most sun can possibly hit within our yard. I say plot in the most literal sense. I have not successfully grown any food in it, as of yet. (this year will be the 4th attempt) This is not my area of expertise, but I do understand that it's healthiest (and cheapest) to grow your own garden. So... I keep trying, watching the glowing green coming through the cracks of the privacy fence year after year, while our trees only get bigger.

I was watching this very inspirational video on gardening called "Back to Eden" http://backtoedenfilm.com/
His concepts for gardening seemed almost too simple. Could it really be that the ground just needed a covering to protect the dirt, in which to grow such good plants? Paul Gautschi, the man with the method, kept bringing scripture into his explanations as to why it was working the way he was doing it. He shared his wisdom in the fact that his observation of nature taught him about how God designed the earth to flourish. He explained that dirt needs a covering, because left exposed, it gets too dry, or it gets too wet, and all this other stuff he's better at explaining. He was explaining the importance of a compost covering. I'll let you watch the video, it's a movie length documentary, but it's very insightful. So.. as I'm being encouraged, once again, to continue trying my hand at gardening, I'm thinking about how to get my hands on some mulch like substance. (sticks, leaves, bark, rocks, manure,   any compost really... )  

Once again, I'm looking out my window, into my back yard. The sun wasn't even out and the neighbor's yard was still glowing. Then I saw it. My. Whole. Yard. Is. Full. Of. Compost!!! Sticks everywhere, the stupid brush pile we've been meaning to get rid of, the decomposing leaves all over our patio, the dead straw-like stuff that I still don't know where exactly it comes from lines our unswept driveway! I totally saw this as God's provision, His wink, saying, "k-baby, here's what you need, now give Me your best and I'll take care of the rest."

I really didn't mean to rhyme just then, but it hit me so deep, because all these years I've been doing, what this Paul calls "traditional gardening", and it just wasn't working. (I can't say I ever gave it my best, but..... not my point) Now, all of the sudden, the glowing yard looked so empty to me. They had no compost, no garden, just grass... beautiful grass, but just grass. I wanted something more than just grass, I want to be able to grow food, flowers, whatever my shady yard will let me. And now, I feel like it's plausible because I have a plan that makes sense to me.

I don't write all this out because I want you all to know that I'm going for a successful garden this year... there's a deeper lesson here.

Near the beginning of this post I told you that I told my husband that our yard reflected our trials and what it's made of us. Just like all those trees in our yard, creating sticks and leaves and havoc, is like all those trials, building up over the years, that have left our family worn. But truly, it's those sticks and leaves and havoc that have provided what is needed to protect the ground. It's the trials that are truly God's way of providing for us to help grow and protect ourselves and that special something that He has in store for us. He has a will for us and even though things look so torn, what's really happening is His work in us. You dig in our yard and the soil is this rich dark beautiful color that smells so fresh, like a green house smell, because of that crazy looking compost everywhere.

Using the "Back to Eden" method, I started my garden over.... again... swept my patio and the driveway of the compost I needed. As I spread that compost over the beautiful dark dirt, I remembered God's promises to me.

He loves me. He will provide for me. and He has not forsaken me.

I'm not gonna promise my garden will truly succeed this year, but I'll give it my best, because He has not forsaken me.

10 Years, 6 Babies, 3 Major Trials, 2 Committed People, and a Partridge in a Pair Tree

May 10th, 2013 was our 10 year Anniversary! We both look at eachother and think.... "Has it really been 10 years already?" but then take another look and think... "Haven't we been married for 50?"

I have so much to blog about all that I've been learning in life, so I'm gonna give it in chunks... First off, I must share my 10 tips for 10 years of marriage. I woke up with a huge headache on our anniversary day and was puking for most of it, especially into the night... I know... romantic, right? So to keep my mind off my stomach, I threw myself at the computer trying to stay awake enough to delegate children. (thank God for 8 yr olds that know how to take care of things around the house and little children) So... I had the little fun I could muster to put 10 silly tips on facebook for all my friends to be entertained on our day of days. I thought I may share them here. :) You'll notice some of my tips are very silly but they do have serious undertones, so I'll make a note under each one.

Disclaimer: Just because I say these tips, does NOT mean that we have it "nailed". Just like our relationship with Jesus, we daily have to work through our relationship with eachother.

10 years on May 10th! Wow.... So glad I'm making it extra romantic by puking my guts up at this time.... of course it was love that brought it on! hahaha... enough of grossing everyone out on facebook in 2 different ways... I'm on a roll! Happy Anniversary my Yesh. Love love love love love love love. As a gift to all, I'm going to try and come up with 10 tips for marriage... Tip #1: Make sure you have a pastor that's not afraid to embarrass you.

Make sure you have a pastor/mentor/friend that isn't afraid to hold you accountable. Every marriage needs accountability from a trusted and respected source. Your spouse is your first accountability partner, but having that mentor that's not afraid to be honest with you when you need help is so important.

Tip #2: Always share your food... it's the christian thing to do. Even if this is hard for you at first, actions proceed beliefs, so... just do it.

Hoho's are sacred. kidding.... this goes beyond food though.... even though it is nice to share food, but sharing your life with this special someone is a big deal. You are not your own and many forget that. Many think they are entitled to be independent of eachother, which to some extent I know we all have our jobs that we go to day to day... or our "jobs" come to us every morning until the kiddos go to bed, but truly... what's mine is his, and what's his is mine. "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine" We are one flesh. Own it. Protect it. Enjoy it.

Tip #3: Share in ministry together. It's one of the most awesome things to do to stand beside your best friend, doing God's work. *youth leaders for life*

Match your passions and work together whenever possible. You may not have the same strong suits, neither do we. He's an extrovert and I'm an introvert, but we found a way to be involved together, ultimately doing what God calls all of us to do. Love Him. Love others. Doing this together, we have endless stories, lessons, trials and triumphs that keep us connecting with eachother all the time.

Tip #4: Get excited about things. No matter how small or big it is, do the dance and jumping up and down, and be glad the other feels as dumb as you do, but the beauty of it is you both know that you are awesome because of your weirdness.

Embrace your unique marriage. You are unique. They are unique. Together, you are crazy unique. Embrace your own style of doing things. Encourage one another, get excited for one another, and don't forget to cry along side them..... or in my case... you cry, and he holds you until you are done because your hormones are crazy and you both know that and it doesn't need to be said. :) 

Tip #5: At least once a year, wear the same thing. This may sound kinda weird, but it's what we do, so it must be working right?

 There really isn't a serious note here. I think I just really wanted to post this picture of us celebrating on a holiday we don't even really get too involved in... I purposely miss "the ball dropping" almost every time. Of course, I will say, we equally don't care and equally take advantage of being with friends.

Tip #6: No matter how many cute babies you make during this marital process, make sure you have a dedicated teenager around (aka our awesome niece) to be able to handle the rugrats, so you can take eachother out of parent roles, and into BFF/lover roles :D

 Priority relationship people!!! You and your spouse were a family before children came. You guys are one, the children are a welcomed extension. We learned this from Growing Kids. You must protect your priority relationship by setting some time for just eachother. I've been told so many divorces happen after 20+ years of marriage all because the kids are out of the house and they don't know eachother anymore. Not a good excuse. Protect that priority relationship now because it's is you both in the beginning and it'll be you both in the end. Yesh is not just the father of my children, he is first (and always will be) my best friend/lover.

 And my niece rocks, doesn't she?

Tip #7: Help eachother out. Give eachother a hand. No matter how aweseome, silly or gross it may seem, that's the sacrifice of marriage. A wise pastor once said that "it's not 50/50 in a relationship. It's 100/0. Give everything, and expect nothing."

 My pastor Todd once said this in his sermon on marriage. It was the first and only time I've heard it anywhere. Expectations are tempting and are never ending if you give yourself the 50/50 advice. Standards are put that are never reached and disappointment always follows it like a duckling follows it's mother. I'm not always good at the 100/0, but it's made for a proper perspective when God's trying to get ahold of my heart about something. It is, after all, what He gave us.

Tip #8: Find something that you love to do together on your spare time. Master the skills and get really good and thoroughly enjoy eachother and what you're doing together at the same time. It's these things that bring heaven to earth. :)

 Aside of active ministry with others, find that "thing". It could be anything that you love to do together. That thing that you both love working on and getting better at. It brings such harmony to the relationship. Ours, most of the time, is music. We both love to sing and play and through the years have picked up new skills and we've written songs and worked on songs to get them JUST the way we like them. It's so fun and energizing to both of us, at the same time it's a stress reducer, and what makes it the best is that we are doing it together. Find it. This is definitely one of many ways I feel God's love when He gives us things like this to do with each other and ultimately, that alone is glorifying to Him.

Tip #9: Remember your roots. Remember why you married this incredibly weird person and chose to be weird along with them. Although the tree may grow and the leaves wither and fall, and grow new leaves... the roots are always there, always getting deeper and richer than you've ever dreamed of.

 I love most of Jewel's songs, (and I don't know all her songs) but there is this one, in particular, that I disagree with. She talks about how "this day" is so great and they are so in love that she hopes that they stay "this way". We were totally head over heals for eachother when we were dating, and our wedding was great, honey moon was even better. We've had our good times and bad times because "that's life" but we look at our relationship now and know, without a doubt, that we are richer than we were when we began. Our "tree" is beautiful and big and it's only going to get bigger as time passes. I guess the lyrics... "I hope our love is better later." wouldn't sound as romantic. hahaha

Tip #10: Be this close. Literally and figuratively. Cuddle every night you are able. Physical touch is powerful. And enjoy the closeness that can only be shared with the one human being in the whole wide world, the other half of you that can dance with even though you can't dance, hold your sweaty hand tightly, help you clean up after puking your guts up, hold you close when you cry, laugh at you until you are laughing at yourself, all because... that other half loves you. No matter what. Be this close.

I'll leave this one. It needs no more explanation. 

May you find the blessings of your marriage, learn from it's trials, and see the big beautiful tree that has grown from both. 

*Happy Anniversary my Yesh. I'm excited to celebrate it, in about a month when I'm done puking. :)

Horses and Heartbeats

I'm a stubborn woman. I know. Big surprise there. When I set my mind to accomplish something, I either get it done, or I realize near the end how much it sucks and throw my work out completely... yeah. I'm also a perfectionist. Because of my perfectionism, I have the ability to change my mind as quick as a flash... when needed. But in this instance, horse back riding for the first time in my life was something I was not prepared to give up. Having planned this for months, and then getting very very sick with this surprise pregnancy, I wasn't willing to give it up. So I did it anyway. .... yes... I was very careful. :) 

I was nervous the whole time I was on this animal with a mind of it's own, but I needed to move past that at some point of my life. Plus, I'm writing a story that has horses in it... so I should probably try and get on a horse in real life, right? Hidalgo was his name and he was very sweet to me, obeying his master Emily as she carefully kept hold of the reigns for me... baby steps... ;) We had a great time. The hubs and the kids got on him too. The kids can't stop talking about the experience. It's already set in their imagination at home that they own horses of their own. I love it. 

My handsome husband :) 

It was interesting hearing Emily's story about how horses helped her overcome fear. She confessed to me that she too was, like me, afraid to get on horses, but she made herself get on and get over her fear and now she works in the stables, and trains her horse Hidalgo and by overcoming that, she has been able to move passed several fears. What a beautiful testimony. How God's creatures can help heal us if we allow them to and how fighting fear by do the thing that makes us fearful, can help us overcome that crippling anxiety that sucks the life out of us. This beautiful young woman taught me a great lesson on life. Even though I've known this truth and have acted on such standards before, I needed to be reminded and humbled that I need to do it again. When it was my turn to ride Hidalgo, by body stayed tense, and no matter how much I tried to relax, I couldn't do it. I kept self talking myself to relax, but to no avail, I remained tense. After I got off, I didn't see it as a failure, because I did get on that horse after all, and I know that (when I'm not pregnant anymore) that I'll get back on again, and try again. Hidalgo did great with all my nerves, to which I was very thankful for. 

This story, I don't bring up simply to tell of my wonderful horse riding experience, but to confess, I'm finally coming to terms with this pregnancy. I know I need to face my fears, once again, so I can let this experience heal this part of my life. 

I am thankful to God that I've stopped spotting. However I'm not so thankful that I'm still very very sick all the time, all day long, and I'm not very good company at all right now.... sorry friends. However, I finally got to see the baby days ago, and hear that precious heartbeat for the first time. I soon as I saw that heart moving on the screen and then the tech switched on the sound, filling the room with this precious heartbeat going 150 beats per minute, tears filled my eyes and it all came seeping in... "I'm going to have a baby.... that's my baby....." 

Being miserable still makes it hard to see anything clear right now. I can't write, I can't play my music, I can't read..... so Mine Sweep it is! ... to sweep my mind away... hahah... I'll survive this part, and then it'll be go time. 

Thank you to all my friends and family especially that have reached out to be God's provision for us in this difficult time of "Mom Is Down". I know. It should have a medical title or something... I think it secretly is. 

What's going on with your family? Oh, M.I.S. huh? I'm so sorry, I will pray for you. Is there anything we can do? 

Painful Blessings Part 2: Iron and Joy

Miscarriage of Justice by Lina Scarfi

The week before last, I posted about a woman close to me that had a miscarriage. Most of you know that this woman is my sister in law. For those of you that didn't know that, now you do. For those of you who know her, when you see her, no words are needed, a huge hug will suffice, bringing her more comfort than any words can right now. She knows the Truth, and right now that Truth is telling her to "be still".





The day after I posted that very post, I found out some surprising, terrifying news.... I'm pregnant. I watched my pee run across that paper and that very line appeared so fast, I said a naughty word and yelled for my husband. He came running over to me and the moment that man touched me, I burst into tears.

I thought I may have had the flu, but then I realized, I hadn't really "started" yet, so that's what brought me to take the test in the first place. This was the first time that I really really really was NOT planning on getting pregnant. "Our plan" was to wait a FEW YEARS, letting my body get it's much needed rest, and my mental state (with all the depression as you know) continue to heal.... and THEN we would decide IF we wanted another one or go ahead with a small surgery that would put a stop to the madness.

So... to say I was surprised, is an understatement. This was terrifying news to me. I've had mostly very rough stressful pregnancies and infants with said pregnancies, doing all I could just to get to term, and in the end, not being able to nurse my last two, because of my body being uncooperative and my inability to cope with said stress along with struggling infants in some form... At the point of finding out this news (sorry for any TMI but...) I had been spotting for 9 days. So my worry already for this little surprise was already climbing...to which I'm still spotting and it's been 18 days. (so far, the doc. says that everything is showing fine, I'll be seeing him again soon) As we sat in the doctor's office waiting for tests to see if baby was ok, I told Josh that I can't handle anymore heartache and that we have to be done after this, no matter what happens.

 And last, but certainly NOT least.... my sister in law...

Almost all I could think about was her. How cruel it was to get pregnant on the wake of her losing hers. Not that this was on purpose by NO means. (we were "very careful") But I thought, "Why, God? Why would You bring me to this pregnancy now?! Not only do I not want to be pregnant for good reason, but while my sister is grieving the loss of hers?! Why now??" I was devastated at this situation. It sickened me like you wouldn't believe. I cried so hard for this dagger that I had in my hands, by force, that I knew I'd have to drive in her back. How was I to tell her? How could I give her such news? I was the one that was comforting her and now I'm the one that has to deliver more pain? We would've been a week apart in our pregnancies together.

I cried until I suffocated. I knew the Truth. "God is in control." "God knows what He's doing" but I've learned with all my experience, that just because He knows what He's doing, doesn't guarantee no suffering. In fact, most of the time, because of our sinful natures, you can almost guarantee suffering, and stretching, and learning, and pain, and gain, and ultimately healing. "It gets worse before it gets better" is what I'm told with a healing wound. How is this any different?And I think that ones that have lost close loved ones, as we have, know more that "God is in control" more than anyone, because we are painfully aware of how much control we don't have.  I need a heart change, and my sister in law needs healing.

My husband (her brother) and her mother were the ones that sat with her and told her the news. I couldn't bring myself to do it myself, so they did it. I received a call from her shortly after their meeting. I can't even begin to tell you how proud I was of her.

It was like she looked at that dagger that was in my hands and took it from me. She carefully picked out a favorite color of ribbon, used the dagger to cut it at just the right length, and then wrapped that ribbon around me to make a beautiful bow to adorn this blessing that now lies within me.

Her attitude humbled me. It humbled me more than anything has in a long time. She knew me well enough to know that I was struggling with the pregnancy in and of itself. She remembered our talks about it months ago. She also knew I loved her and wouldn't ever want to hurt her. In all her grief, she remembered me. But more importantly, she chose to make this situation help heal her. Although we are both aware that there will be the "hard days" to swallowing this reality, she is looking forward to living vicariously through this pregnancy. She even went as far as to tell me that she counted it a joy to know that she'd still be able to hold a baby in November. (I can't even type that without crying)

Her positive attitude put my pessimism to shame. Here, she has every right to be bitter and hide away from me, who is "with child", instead of making it hurt her, she "is choosing to let it heal" her. (her words) What a lesson I learned that night!

She wasn't going to let anything steal her joy... and neither should I. With all my fears, with all my struggle, neither should I let anything steal that joy.

I beg of you to watch this video in it's entirety. This song is amazing and the woman that sings it explains her heart over the song in this video before she sings it live. Every time I listen to this song, it brings tears to my eyes because I have felt the Truth in it, in the past, and I feel it now. The bridge that she wrote into the song says, "I can't understand, and I can't pretend, that this will be alright in the end. So I'll try my best and lift up my chest, to sing about this joy."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_hKSw4wHrI

Over Easter weekend, God showed me the joy I can cling to in the fact that my children do bring me great joy and that I wouldn't trade them for any kind of easy pain-free happiness, because they are who they are because of what our family has been through. Isaiah, my 8 year old, was baptized by his father. Isaiah knows the Truth, and proclaimed that Truth in his baptism and watching him made my heart ache in a good way.

Here's the recorded version of this song "Joy" by Page CXVI

~love you Samantha.

Painful Blessings

There is a story that is not known to the small world around us yet, that has to do with a family member. The closer family and friends knew she was pregnant. She was so excited, filled with the natural beauty of a woman, elated to bring about another blessing, building another vessel within her vessel. Her lightness in her step was undeniable that she had great joy, no matter any trial that seemingly stood in her way, nothing could take this joy from her. We were all very excited for her. It was almost like watching a little girl dance before her father in a new dress that she knew she looked beautiful in.  

Unfortunately, our fallen world tore through this excitement and she miscarried. 

No longer the smiles and joys upon her face, but tears and anguish now tearing through it all, grieving that very vessel her body let go of. 

In our view, we are at a loss. There are no answers. There is no purpose to it. The hope of holding another little girl or boy of hers, is gone. 

I like to let myself dream. My daydreams usually fall into the world unseen. I try to imagine this little life right now. The only darkness it saw was the earthly death itself, but is that even a true darkness? I think maybe not. This life went untainted by sin, spared the wickedness of the world, loved by it's mother, through the joy of her first knowledge of it, and through her tears now. A life, loved. Loved. The knowledge that I am loved completes me as it has completed this little life, just the same. But not even just on the account of a human being's love, but of the Great Love. We must not forget that the love shown between humans comes from the same Great Love. I can not love apart from God. I can only love because God is Love. My dream trails on to the fact that God knew that this was going to happen. He was waiting for this little human being, just as He waits for us. Upon this woman's womb, He watched in sorrow (for He knows our grief, better than we can describe it) and He waited for the moment when He was able to bring that little life into His Kingdom. 'Safe' He says. 'This is Mine' He says. And they dance. That is my dream of thought and my heart holds it as truth. 

I had spent a good deal of time with her in the initial first days of this loss. How beautiful extroverts can be with their grieving, going in public, the need to be with people. That's something an introvert like me doesn't do. But I was willing to do what she wanted because this was her time to grieve in the way she needed to. 

During all of this, she told me that she was so glad that I understood her pain, and that we had the experience that we had in order to understand such pain. In one instance, for only a split second, I thought with my unfailing sarcasm, 'She's basically saying she's glad my daughter died.' I knew this wasn't true. And she's going to read this blog and probably want to apologize for ever even saying anything that might imply that, but I will tell all here and now... I know that is NOT what she was thinking at all. 

In fact, she was thinking rightly. What a blessing it was to be able to comfort someone like this. In my own trials and circumstances, because of them, I was able to walk by Scripture when it says, 

2 Corinthians 1:3-7

³ Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in ^[a]any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. ⁵ For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. ⁶ But if we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; or if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which is effective in the patient enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer; ⁷ and our hope for you is firmly grounded, knowing that as you are sharers of our sufferings, so also you are sharers of our comfort.

Yes! Praise be to God. The Father of mercy that is being poured from my own trials and comfort that has come from an understanding the He has given me. He has comforted me through other vessels, as she is being comforted through me and others. We suffer! We suffer.....but we turn it around and comfort! We understand one another! We hold each other! We are not alone! We are Loved! We are Loved by Him through each other's arms. 

Do you understand? WE are His body. He is the Great Comforter, but He loves to use us to accomplish it. I cannot comfort apart from God. This is no less than I can not love apart from Him. When one would hold me as I could not hold my head up, it was truly Him who held me. When I held this crying woman, He was the one truly holding her. 

Go! Do the same. Share in suffering. Share in comfort. Share it. It is not hard to find a sufferer. Be courageous and comfort. Share that pure raw humanness. Just as you would dance with the elated person, be with the broken at heart. 

I do not say these things to lift myself up, but to lift Him up. He is the Giver, not I. I can not do any of these things, you can not do any of these things without the Giver of these very things. 

There is even more depth to this subject but I'll leave you for now with this; 

My sufferings were painful blessings. I trust, that for her, this will become a painful blessing as well, as she will one day hold another who is feeling the same pain. A gift of Mercy that keeps on giving, as faithful as the rising and the setting of the sun... so He is faithful. 

Modeling Humility. Rest Well Grandma.

My Grandma Wilma Ruppert finally was able to go "home" Wednesday morning, February 20th, 2013.

 It was early in the morning that I was woken up by beeping of my phone. Someone was trying to get a hold of me. When I came to my phone, I realized it was 3 people. My heart sank for a moment and thought... oh my gosh! Who died now?? But it was Grandma. The grandma I spoke of a couple posts ago, the one who was begging to go "home", and now had gotten her wish. The Lord heard her.

She was 89 years old. That's... old. Although we expect older people to approach death, and although this was very expected soon of Grandma, it still came somewhat of a shock to me. I was hit with emotions that I wasn't prepared for. Who is?

She was such a peculiar woman, with peculiar thoughts and dreams and visions. Although her library creeped me out, it only really meant that she was searching for Truth. At the root of all her searching, I believe she found the Truth. As a fellow seeker, I understand the toils of trying to make sense of it all in a fallen world.

In all her peculiar ways, it didn't surprise me of her last wishes. To the world... er America... it may have seemed ridiculous, but to me and other family, I'm sure, who knew her well.... it seemed so appropriate. Her burial was the most humble burial I had ever seen.

She didn't want to be embalmed. So that meant that we had to bury her body within 48 hours. She also didn't want a viewing or a traditional funeral service. She simply wanted to be buried.

We arrived at the cemetery. It was cold. Snow was on the ground and the wind was bitter. My husband stayed in the van with the babies, while I took the older kids with me to the burial site. We all huddled together waiting for the Hearse to open, letting our dear Grandma's casket out. What I saw was beautiful. It was the most simple wooden pine box. My cousins and brothers made their way to the casket to help carry it. As they pulled it out, I marveled at it's simplicity. Simple handles on the sides to carry it. Flat on the top, not arched like you normally see. A simply cross engraved at it's head. They carried it across the road to her grave. We all huddled, once again, staying warm as it was stationed above it's resting place. (Yep, I totally took a picture, it was too beautiful to keep to myself. I had to share it. ) A good friend of mine worded it perfectly, which was similar to what my uncle had said to me when I mentioned it's beauty. "No frills.  No preservation.  Just a vessel to return from whence we came - the earth. "

the humble casket

My uncle said a few words, reading her favorite scriptures. He said that in her dementia, on her death bed, she still remembered and recited a whole passage of scripture, word for word. The Truth always stays with you. After that my aunt came up and presented roses. She explained that red roses were her favorite, so everyone who wished may take one. She pointed out 2 white roses. She explained they are both in memory and honor of her 2 children that had died before her. One was my dad, and the other was for Renae, an infant daughter she had lost. My aunt presented my dad's rose to my mother, and with tears she took it. Renae's rose, she presented to me because Grandma cried "with" me the same tears when we lost our Sarah. We knew the same hurt. .. and with tears, I took it.

Renae's rose

Tears came flooding from my eyes in that moment as I became overwhelmed. Memories started flooding to me of her. There were a few times where she'd open up to me about her pain in losing Renae as we were grieving Sarah. I really missed her and I began to grieve what I missed out on about her. I felt the sting of jealousy in the fact that she now was with Renae and Sarah and my dad. No more hurting, grieving, or pain. No more unsatisfied thirst. Pure joy.

All the family went to a place where we could talk about the "Grandma stories" that we had. The more I learned about her, the more I realized how much I am like her. The thirst, the depression, the depth, her introvertedness, always searching, always studying. I have known I had her humor (all the Rupperts do) and creativity, but all the darker parts of her, I hadn't known, that I'm able to relate to completely. Learning these things made me grieve her all the more.

As I've been on this journey of finding my value in Jesus, I've realized that it also entails finding who you really are in Christ. Using the gifts that were entrusted to you so uniquely. And humbly living out your life, knowing that you wouldn't be you without Him. Thank you Grandma for reminding me of that.


we are precious
our being is precious
our time is precious
we lift our voice
to the Giver of all things
we praise His name
for we are nothing
without Him
there is no Love
away from Him
He is Love
His breath comes with Love
His mercy comes from Love
His fervor for us
that brings the pain of learning
and the joy of blessings
comes from Love

Renae's rose

Although we are broken
He is Healer
He is the Maker
He is the Renewer
He is Love
away from Him
there is no Love
without Him
we are nothing
we praise His name
the Giver of all things
we lift our voice
by His definition
we are precious

it is like a wedding ring, it goes full circle.

Honors and Stitches

Most of you have seen, on facebook, that our 5 year old daughter had to get stitches. It was quite the night....

Josh, on the banjo. I, on my ukulele. We were filling the house with music of all sorts. Our offspring enjoying it with dancing through out the living room, swinging each other around, having the best time.... until big brother lets go and Eve crashes into the rocking chair. Right away, I went to Eve, holding her up into my arms, setting her on the couch to examine her. Josh asked me, "Where's it coming from?" I thought, where is what coming from? until I tilted her head up and blood was just dripping from her face. All over her clothes and the floor. Oh my ... head wounds... gotta love em.

Meema was able to come over to stay with the babies, so we could take her to the hospital. Isaiah felt so guilty, his countenance down completely, saying to everyone that he passed, "It's all my fault." We let him come with us and he said the same thing to all the doctors... poor thing. One nurse said, "It happens." Another nurse suggested he take him out and rough him up a bit for doing this. ;)

When we got to our room, Josh turned a shade of pale and had to sit down. I asked him what was wrong. He told me that his heart dropped because he was nervous they were going to put us in "that" room. What? What room? He looked at me, like I should know better. Then I realized it... and finally caught up with him... we were right across from the room that Sarah was brought to and pronounced dead. I was so consumed in Eve and supporting her that I completely didn't even think about where we were. We didn't tell the staff about it, but just tried to sort through all that to ourselves.

The Childlife specialist was great during the whole thing. Making Eve feel comfortable, giving her and Isaiah dolls to draw on and pretend that they are hurt, and then going through the motions of what to expect with the washing of the wound and the stitches. It was great. They had fun with it, and they were stealing the hearts of everyone that came in the room. They loved how protective Isaiah was of Eve.

The actual procedure went well. They had her all numbed up and after the instructional doll... she was busy playing a princess game on an IPOD during the stitching.. ignoring the doctors warnings about tugging, she was too busy picking shoes for her princess.

When that was done, it was time to leave, and when we walked outside the room, Josh made sure to point out the room to me. Within seconds, my head spun with keeping it from the kids, out of protection?, or telling them about it, out of honor? ... Honor won over. I stopped us and pointed the room out to Isaiah and Eve and said, "Look! That's the room that Sarah was in when she died." I explained other things like how people were there with us, and pointed another room out close to it where they had me sitting while we waited to be able to see her. I mapped it all out to them. It felt good and they were intrigued, taking it in, like it became more real to them, that she was, in fact, here.

Walking out of the ER, Eve exclaimed, "Well, that was fun!" I'm glad she thought so. We came home to our house, just the way we left it.... instruments on the table and music out. Josh and I looked at each other, embraced each other, and knew... things were ok.