Moment of Utter Weakness

The first picture is of Sarah, the second is of Eve. You can see the similarities and the differences. They are the same age here. As 3 months and 10 days approached, I held my breath a little. I was comforted only by the fact that it was slim to none that I would actually lose her on the same day. I used my logic against my anxiety. But being at that 3 months and 10 days point wasn't the hard thing, the hard thing was seeing passed it. All these SIDS parents would say that they would start breathing again once their subsequent babies got passed the age of their lost one. And that's all they would say. I don't recall talking too much about the after math, so I'm not sure I foresaw the issue that would lie ahead.

It was disturbing to me that an older sister would be in fact, younger than her little sister. It's a battle I will always face. I try to dwell on what age she would be, but it's hard not having the experience of her as an older child. So from that day on, with my second daughter, everything was a new experience. Things that I should've had with Sarah, are only with Eve now. It was like it was rubbed in my face all over again, that I indeed lost my first daughter, that she is gone, and she will not return. I began to lose it, when I was living those days passed Sarah, with Eve. I wanted the time to stop, but of course nothing will stop the sun from rising and setting. In the Bible, God made the sun stay up for an extra time period all because a battle had to be won, (if I remember right) so me thinking He would do the same for me all because of my selfish wants, I knew the answer would be no. So in my heart I made the sun stay a little longer by salvaging every moment with Eve at this age. I held her, knowing that Sarah, was this size when I lost her.

Still I couldn't help but fall back into a depression. Satan was attacking me from all angles. I became so foggy with depression that I felt I couldn't fully observe my children's needs or my husband's. I began pushing people away again. I realized that I had been a horrible friend cause I couldn't care what was going on in there life. I have a very prohibitive conscience, so nothing anyone could say could take away my guilt from that thought. I had to fight for my priorities; my husband and my children. I remember calling my Uncle Ed, who is a grief counselor, to talk to him about getting some counseling, cause I was falling fast. He got me hooked up with a counselor. I started talking about my whole life to her. All the death that I have experienced, but all that faith I have as well. I think it more helped me to verbally stand my ground with my faith. Just to say, "I know God is with me. I believe God is here. Jesus has saved me by His blood. " thinking about my faith in all that I have been through, gave me a peace about my situation. I had quit going to her after a few sessions cause anyone who knows me knows I have a hard time sticking with counseling. But I remember the last thing that she told me. She said to me as I was walking out the door, for the last time, "Kailan, I think it's going to be your faith that is going to get you through this. " I replied in agreement and left.

The time passing between the 3 months and 10 days mark till nearing the end of my break down was 3 months. My Evey was getting to be 6 months. She, of course, en light of my depression was still on the apnea monitor. I knew I had to let it go at some point, but I couldn't bring myself to actually doing it. I was trying to take control of Evey's life, and that's not where it belonged.

I was talking to Josh in desperate tears about my craziness, it felt like. I became hypersensitive to everything, and I was driving myself mad. He told me this.... He wanted me to go down to our room, alone, with a sheet of paper, pen, and my Bible. He wanted me to write a list down of people I was still bitter with and people or things that I was not letting God take control of. And then he wanted me to pray about them, and forgive these people, once and for all, and tell God that I give control of those people or things that I had written down. He said if I couldn't think of anyone or anything, to just simply ask God to reveal it to me.
I went down there, sat on my bed and started writing. I filled 2 pages up with people and things. I couldn't believe how much bitterness I had in my heart, and so I started praying about these people, and then I got to the things that I was trying to take control over. I got through my list and stopped at a 2 word object, and I couldn't even say it, not even in a prayer that was between me and God. I cried so hard before I could even look up again. I remember saying, out loud, "BUT I CAN'T!!..... I can't...." I cried long and hard before I continued.. then finally I said it....

"Lord, I give you control...... help me with this apnea monitor..." I had realized then and there, it was like God was showing me something right in front of my face, that I had in fact held this apnea monitor as an idol of protecting my daughter's life. At first it was a mere safety issue and knowing that she was in fact breathing, but it became so much more than that to me. It was like I felt, as soon as I turned it off, she was going to stop breathing or something. As if it were her life-support. Like, it I disconnected it from her, that I would be disconnecting her from life. I didn't even realize I was doing that through all my depression. I finished my prayer by asking God to give me the strength to let go of the apnea monitor.

Now anyone who truly knows me, says I'm a stubborn girl. My Dad would more times, than not, call it strong-willed. He showed me it was a gift. And how to use it? It was taken me many years and will take more years to come. But, I knew what I had to do, and that I had to do it NOW.

It was night time, so 6 month old Eve was sleeping so peacefully. I knew I had to practice first-time obediance and nothing would stop me. So..... I went into her room, I stood over her crib, and pushed those buttons just right to turn that apnea monitor off. There were cords that I had to disconnect, that were attached to her, so I pulled off the first cord, then the second, being careful not to wake her. I put the monitor away from her, and it was like time stood still. I can remember the site of it, to this day. I cried instantly watching my baby breathe with my own eyes. She looked like a normal baby now, with no cords or anything. Just sleeping peacefully as she should. I went upstairs to proclaim my victory to my husband, I told him it was over. He was very surprized at what I had done, but also very proud.

It still took some time to heal from all that experience, just like it will be for the rest of my life, to live without Sarah on this earth, but truly I tell you, the healing can't begin unless you give up all control. You can want to heal all you want, but it won't happen until you obey fully. Submitting all the control to the One whom it belongs to. So if you feel you are not healing like you believe you should, because you are praying and reading and trying to do good. Maybe what you are missing is the first commandment. "I am the Lord, your God. You shall have no other gods before Me. " That first commandment speaks volumes of first-time obediance, giving up control, and just knowing that He indeed, is our Lord and God, whom we serve. And that He is God who is in control no matter what we do, He just desires for us to ride along with Him.