Test Around the Corner

5 day old Eve, was admitted back into the hospital.... for apnea. We went home with the apnea monitor, enlight of Sarah's death. I knew it would help me be more at peace KNOWING that she is indeed breathing and her heart is beating, even when I sleep. It had it's false alarms which we were warned about. We knew it was a false alarm if it only beeped at us about 3 or 4 times and then stopped on it's own, without us having to do anything. But there was one time, where it kept going. I stood over Eve to see if she was still breathing. She was so little, I couldn't tell, but I also panicked a little, so I quickly rubbed her belly to wake her. She took a big breath which turned the monitor off. I didn't like that. So I told the Ped. about it at our appt. that day. She had it downloaded to look at the activity. She called us later that night, telling us to go to the hospital to get her checked out because there was indeed 2 apnea episodes on that monitor. Eve was also jaundice so we were admitted at Blank's with all these monitors on her, and a Bili light.
Eve was so stressed being there, so I knew that the best thing I could do was to be that stress reliever and be as calm as I could. They did all these tests. My poor baby was poked and prodded. The doctors were taking every precautionary because of the fact that we had already lost one. They were wonderful with us, giving us straight facts, even if it was "we don't know" and I was ok with that, to an extent, because I knew, by experience, they were doing all they could. She had some abnormal blood work, which they tried to chase down.
The one good thing about her apnea was her body was keeping up with it. While she wasn't breathing, her heart would stay strong, and that was a good sign that nothing too serious was going on.
I can't express the peace that came over me. Physically, I was exhausted. I just gave birth to this baby a week ago, I had a little bit of stitches. I was still having to take care of myself, in that form. I was going through my engorgement with nursing, which seemed to be a little better than with the last two babies, so I was thankful. My body was on it's last legs.

BUT, emotionally/mentally, I had a peace, I can't explain. Coming 10 months out from losing Sarah, I knew I had no control over anything. I would not be the one to keep Eve here. But I think I heard that still small voice in my heart, saying, "She will be ok.... I'm right here.... I am with you.... do not fear.... she will live.... like you hold your baby, I am holding you.... enjoy her today..."

I remember one of the doctors asking me so sweet, in a careful, loving manner, " Do you know .... that this apnea monitor... will not save her from SIDS? Do you know that?"
I told her, "Yes, I do know that. I know there is nothing that will stop SIDS."
She replied, " Ok, I just wanted to make sure, that you knew that." and she hugged me.

Even though that conversation would've put any mother on edge, I actually felt proud of myself, like I had my head on straight, and I just proved it. I was ready, by the grace of God, to logically think things through. To have that voice of reason inside my head even though I'm a "SIDS Parent" I felt like a normal mom. All because I put things in their place. In God's hands.

After a week in the hospital, we had an option to go home or to stay another week for more observation...... We went home. We took up where we left off, getting to know our new daughter, continuing with our healing of losing Sarah, and allowing our 3 year old son to get used to having another sister in the house.
Once Eve caught up to her 40 week gestation age, her apnea was gone. It was declared premature apnea, for she was a whole month early, and that, I guess is typical. Her abnormal blood work was chased down for the next 8 months, by the Iowa City Hospital, just to finally normalize with age. There were other premature things going on with Eve, like her eyesight and certain muscles in her arms, that eventually, with time, got better. She is a sickly thing, still to this day, but all in all, she IS living. She is here and she is our little Diva, we call her. And we love her for it. She won't let anyone push her around, and she'll be my little artist.

There were moments that week that I had to cry, but that made it all the more beautiful. To cry is not a moment of weakness, it is a window of expressing what is in your heart, being real. And that is always beautiful. I will always have those moments locked away in my heart because of it.

I just had a thought. ..... you think God cries?... He must.... . Even though Eve was going through this stressful time, being poked and prodded and constantly woken up by nurses and doctors just to poke her again. She still found refuge in my calm arms. Only Mom could calm her by simply holding her. Only Mom could nurse her, the best milk. Only Mom knew what she needed when she cried. She could only rely on that one person. I know we are only human, and none of us our perfect moms, but God IS. In only God, can we find true refuge. In only God can we be calmed by his arms. Only God can give us the living water. Only God knows what we need when tears come rolling down our cheeks. Only God. Babies have nothing to do but to submit to their caregivers. They do not get dressed unless we dress them. They do not eat unless we feed them. They do not become clean unless WE clean them. When a little one learns to walk, it is because that special someone has their hands in theirs, and they are leading them.
I love this one song, by Relient K called, "Give Until There's Nothing Left" ... the second verse goes....

" No one told me how bad I need You, but I somehow arrived on that conclusion all by myself. And I want all You have to offer, so I'll offer myself and I'll just give until there's nothing left."