Unexpected Tragedy Awaiting

What was around the corner came up out of the blue. We were living our normal lives, and nothing could have prepared us for what we were about to endure. I had no tools in life to help me through what would be the hardest thing I had to go through yet. My life, as I knew it, was going to change. I was a piece of coal unknowingly getting ready to be pressed into a diamond.
This picture of me and Dad with my first band letter was taken my freshman year....several months before the storm broke. I was 15.

I remember this particular Thanksgiving, we went down to Texas to visit my grandparents. Dad started feeling sick that week, and never got better.
I remember not thinking too much about it, but it persisted, giving him pain in his abdomen. He was seen by doctors who could not figure out what was causing the pain. He went 3 months in unsolvable pain. The search ended when the doctor found that his gall bladder was not working properly. Then he prepared for surgery. Us kids went to school, anticipating his relief, from the outcome of this surgery. I remember telling my boyfriend, at the time, that I was worried for some reason. He told me not to worry, but I couldn't shake this feeling of uneasiness about what was going on with my dad. Something didn't add up in my brain.

Our aunt picked us up from school, a little early too, which is always cool for a kid. She took us to the hospital to see Dad. She acted normal, asking us normal, "so how was school?" questions. When we got to the hospital, we came through the main doors, and there, my Uncle Ed, was standing, waiting for us, to show us where our dad was. He smiled at us, but I remember the look in his eyes. They were so sad, like he was fighting back tears. I began to hold my breath, as we followed his slow walk to the elevator going up to Dad's room. The boys still as hyper as ever, but I was quiet, observing every moment of what would be hints towards what was about to happen.

We got to the floor, my sisters were already there, and mom was coming down the hall to hug us, all her welcome hugs she always gives. I could tell she had been crying. My sisters even seemed gloomy. Something was definitely wrong. Mom lead all of us kids into this private family room, to talk to us. I remember feeling a little more suspicious when we did that, thinking why don't we just see dad? She sat us all down, and started talking about how the surgery went well, and the gall bladder issue is fixed. You could tell by her body language that she was nervous to speak with us, but she somehow mustered all her strength to spit it out. The words that were going to change our lives.

"They found something when they were in surgery." She went on about how they had taken the gall bladder out, and went back in to make sure they got it all, and then said it. "They found a tumor in the middle of everything. It's an 8in. by 2 in. tumor and they don't know where it's from. They saw the tumor and got out, so they wouldn't spread anything. We don't know any answers about what kind of tumor it is, we won't know until they do more tests." She opened up the floor for any questions that we had, even though she knew she wouldn't be able to answer some of them, cause she simply did not have the answers. I remember spacing out on the wall......

I had this daydream or nightmare, you could call it. There was a coffin sitting against the wall of my church. It was closed, but I knew it had the body of my father in it. I was walking down the aisle going towards the back, with my hair plastered to my face from tears. All eyes were on me and my family. Everyone dressed in black. It was indeed my Dad's funeral. I could see it.... it felt so real.....

My dream was interrupted by my oldest sister, Angie, coming down on me from above, hugging me and holding me, "Are you alright?" she asked with many tears in her eyes. I don't remember answering her, I just remember everyone crying together. My brothers were in shock and didn't know what to do with themselves. They sat there staring off, just like I was. I don't know what they were thinking.
Mom invited us to see Dad. I was so nervous, seeing the man in my life that was soon going to die. It was awkward, but my dad knew how to break it. We went through his room doors and I saw him laying in his bed, smiling at us. We all took turns hugging him very carefully. I was trying so hard not to cry, I didn't want to cry in front of him. He cracked his little jokes, making us laugh about the situation. The nurse came in, asking questions about his history. Any cancer questions that came up, he would say "Not yet!" in a cheerful voice. We all were shaking our heads, but were so thankful for his attitude. He seemed fearless.

It took another month to track down where the tumor originated. It was his colon. AND his cancer was in stage 4, the last stage. It had spread to his lymph nodes, and other places, that made it an undeniable fatal cancer.
I remember he sat us down when he told us his prognosis. He said, " They say, along with chemo that I have anywhere from 4 months to 2 years left. ... " we all were stunned. It became real to me that he would not make it to my graduation. That he would not be able to walk me down the aisle to my future husband. That he would not be there when I had my babies. All these losses came swimming through my head. Everyone started crying. He sat there in the middle of all of us watching us take the news in.
He sighed a great sigh, and said, " Yeah...... I'm going to go and be perfect in heaven and you guys are going to have to stay down here on this wretched earth."








(Left: the boys were shaving dad in preparation for the possibility of dad losing his hair during chemo) (Right: Me and Dad on the couch soaking in any moment together) (Bottom: Dad lay sick watching his son play and learn guitar for the first time. Noah became a great guitar player as he grew older. Dad was proud and would be proud still.)