bondservant by blood: Remembering a Victory- PICTURES!!

couldn't have had better timing...

Naomi- one month old

My struggles with depression are almost inevitable. My last post was an honest raw poem that's been eating away at me. I always fall back to that dark place, but the light through the cracks in the door always seem to catch my face.

My husband and I went to a concert recently with some dear friends, and I was reminded of the beauty Light truly is. The music was moving my soul and their words were whispering in my ears, "We got your back." "This is not the end" I left there feeling better about my situation. but then all it takes is a glance at my frail daughter, and my world comes sinking in again. She'll be weighed again soon, but as of my knowledge today, she has remained the same weight as last time, and I still have yet to see her birth weight.

Then being with church/family always helps me keep my mind on other things, but one more look at my daughter, my world sinks still. It's hard to think about this normal little infant being "like" a preemie. She makes me feel like I don't know how to nurse her, when I've successfully nursed 3 babies prior. Ah, Tesh, she kinda ruined my confidence in this area. I know Naomi's issue is small and through time and hard work, she will gain the strength she needs to nurse and thrive. I just don't know what this kind of success looks like. I haven't gotten that far yet. I look at Naomi's little face, and her eyes meet mine and I smile but it's so painful to smile most of the time. Her little hand will clench on to my finger and my heart melts, but then my fingers curve around the rest of her arm and all I feel is skin and bones. She is strong though, just not strong enough, apparently. I don't say all this to worry anyone. I'm doing enough of that all by myself. She is not failure to thrive. She is slow weight gain. and I have issues.

I was just given THE pictures of my homebirth from the wonderful photographer we had there. (Kaitlin Wessman Photography..http://www.facebook.com/pages/Kaitlin-Wessman-Photography/236042179757299) I needed this reminder that I have, in fact, succeeded in great things by doing what I did. And that this can not take my joy away from me, just because there is a speed bump.

Here's a glimpse into this wonderful event. To read my birth story, you can go down a few posts and find it.
Enjoy! (most of the pics are from the KWphotography, some are ones taken by family)