Elora, The Therapy Puppy

 If you follow me on facebook, you know that my puppy broke her hip. If you don't, now you know my puppy broke her hip. I have not officially introduced my puppy to my actual blog, so I will do so now.

We had decided 6 months ago that I needed a therapy dog. Being chronically ill and having chronic pain can be very isolating. I also deal with depression, anxiety and PTSD that I takes meds and am in therapy for. Having a therapy dog brings joy to those that are hurting, no matter the hurt. So it's been on our radar to keep our eyes open for a dog once we settled in our new house this last spring.

My sister's dog had puppies. Thee cutest puppies you've ever seen. She spotted one especially that she wanted our family to have. She was near and dear to my sister, but also very sweet. At first, I was hesitant because everyone knows puppies are work! But I do have 5 kids at home to help out when I can't do it, so I tested them with the job of helping me potty train my 2 and 4 year old and well.... by the time the puppy was 8 weeks and ready for a home, she came home to us and now I don't have to buy nearly as many diapers! woohoo!

Elora Dannon (Wing)

We named our puppy Elora Dannon (Wing). (for all the cool folks, that names from Willow. It's so fun to call out, "Elora.... Elora Dannon!" and have this sweet little puppy come running to you) She had so much energy, we thought she'd favor the kids. Not so! She's so attached to me. She goes where ever I go, unless there's paper products on the floor to get to, of course. I'm in pain in some kind of way every day, so to have her next to me, or on me cuddling close, or curled around my head at night, I've been brought so much joy by her presence. Her and I have bonded quicker than I thought was possible and she has been a great therapy puppy.

Well. Yesterday afternoon, my 2 year Ruth (-less Honey Badger), was carrying her around and fell. Ruth is fine, but Elora was not. I knew something was terribly wrong with the way she wouldn't stop crying and then limping off a particular leg. We took her into the Pet ER and xrays showed that her hip has a clean break! My heart sunk and I started bawling even more. (I had of course, been crying on and off this whole time) He said that if we didn't have the surgery, she would have life-long severe chronic pain, with the possibility of losing her leg eventually. He said, with surgery, she wouldn't be 100% but she would be almost that, learn to walk on her leg again and live a long happy life. I remember hearing the words, "She won't ever be 100% but she will be close" and thinking... 'What two peas in a pod her and I are now. Both unable to achieve 100% but can get as close as we can.'

This is her right hind hip that has a clean break. 

How much for the surgery? $2000! I heard the words surgery and knew it was gonna be bad. We are a one income family, so you can imagine the impossibility for us to have that kind of money, let alone spend it on a pet. But Elora was so special and she is such a perfect little therapy dog for me, my husband right away declared, "We are not giving up on her!" I was so happy to hear those words, but how were we gonna do it? The sweet receptionists at the pet hospital encouraged us to start a "Go Fund Me" page for her surgery. With all the more serious things I've gone through in life, I felt so silly doing a "go fund me" page for a puppy. My heart was so torn and I couldn't stop crying, even in front of the doctor and receptionist. The receptionist said, "You gotta swallow your pride and try." So we went home with pain meds to keep her comfortable, to give us a couple days to come up with the money and started a "Go Fund Me" page. In less than 24 hours, we are just a couple hundred dollars away from meeting that goal to afford her surgery. All these people came together for Elora and for me and my family, to be able to give her a good life, and allow me to keep my therapy dog.

I can't even begin to explain how humbled and grateful I am that so many care enough to help and that with many people doing just a little bit (some of you a lot!), it makes the greatest impact. I am overwhelmed.

Although I am so glad to be able to get this surgery done for her, I am still broken about how much pain she has and that this happened at all. My heart hurts for her. We are able to keep her comfortable in the mean time, but it just rips at my heart. It has taken a big toll on me emotionally, which effects my CFS/fibro. Her spirit, though, has lifted me still even with her own broken hip. She still wags her tail when she sees someone she wants attention from. She still gives kisses to everyone, even the Ruth-less Honey Badger who got her into this mess. She still rolls over on her belly to have it rubbed. Her spirit has been motivating and inspiring to me, to say the least. It's amazing what these therapy dogs do for people in need of them. They are so noble and loyal. If you suffer with any form of sickness or pain, especially mental illnesses too, consider a therapy dog. They are so healing in so many ways.

Now I commence cute pictures of her below! Enjoy! And Thank you again, for those that have contributed to our fund for her surgery. Tears in my eyes, thank you so much!

(if you wish to help us with the last bit of our goal go to our page here and donate!)

Yoga with Elora. 

My 6 year old has a favored calm spirit. 

Every night and morning. At my head. 

Ruth-less Honey Badger with Elora. They do love each other. 

I wake up every morning with her next to my head. Every. Morning. Love it.

Bad morning. Loving puppy cuddles. 

She lets us cradle her often. Such a baby. :) 

follows me everywhere. 

Me, passed out on the couch with a mother migraine. Her passed out next to me. 

More migraines, the cuddles never stop. Seriously love her. 

Depression: I stopped making my bed...

I stopped making my bed...



Depression.

An old friend. Sometimes she visits when I expect her to. A situation may call for her and she’ll be there, faithfully by my side. And I’m okay that.

Then there’s the times when I’m feeling okay for the most part. Everything is as well as to be expected. I’m not having a horrible day, but then I can’t quite peg why it’s not necessarily a good day either. I call it a funk. But it’s her. She’s there. Depression.

I can’t answer why. She’s just there. Doesn’t even knock to come in. She just walks through the door. Most times, I don’t even hear her come in. She’s pretty sly.

But when she does come, she’s the only company I can handle. There’s the lucky lucky few that can dwell in my bubble when she’s with me. The words that go through my mind when she’s around are:

Small. Burden. Unworthy. Unloved. Despair. Alone. Out of Control. Ghost. Unable. Cold. Numb. Self-directed anger. Anxiety. Conspiracies. Forgotten. 

The other night I went to bed fully aware I was depressed. Then in my despair, I noticed my blankets. I then realized it had been so many days since I stopped making my bed. It snuck up on me. I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal. For the most part it IS truly a small thing. But what it translated to me was that little red flag that she was stepping over that threshold from my mind (something I can't control) to my heart (something I'm able to control better). A while ago, I started making my bed. It became a goal, that thing in the morning I could do. No matter my pain or fatigue, I could make my bed. It gave me that little piece of my humanity back; to get me through the day. So when I went back to bed completely drained and in pain, fatigued or feeling horrible and defeated (no matter the time of day), my bed was still made. I had done that with my own hands. “Kailan was here,” it whispers to me. And it comforts me.

So when I realized my bed had been neglected, I resolved to make sure that I make my bed in the morning. And I did. I took that piece back.

It doesn’t make the depression go away. She’s much too stubborn, I can't stop her from coming. But she understands she is not wanted. 

And that’s where I want her.

"I have no promise of tomorrow."

Matthew 6:34  "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Proverbs 27:1 "Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring."

"I have no promise of tomorrow."

I say that all the time these days. Usually when I say it, I mean: "I'm feeling ok right now, and I may wake up tomorrow feeling debilitated. So if we are going to do this, we need to do it today." 

Of course this mentality only gets me so far when I must force myself to pace because I can only go so far and use so much energy. But God knows I try to do many things I shouldn't. I pay for it in the end, but I pay for it regardless. I boom and bust (good days and bad days) no matter my tactics for trying to ease off the extremes. Trying to create a balance that's more like the Lady Bug kiddie roller coaster, and UN-like the Dragon. But I'm kinda stuck on that Dragon right now. 

Those verses at the top have been a natural presence that drives my decisions about my life these days. I used to not have to think about these verses. I knew of them, and always thought they were nice verses, but now? Now, whether or not I'm going to embrace this moment of health with my children and husband or friends and family, or go out and get [this] done hangs on the balance of this very rationale. "I have no promise of tomorrow." "I don't know what tomorrow is going to be like."

It's amazing how different I see things; now that I'm ill. I watched a documentary that's on Netflix called Beautiful Broken Mind.  Lotje Sodderland, talking about her experience after having a stroke, said that she now has all this pain and frustration with having to relearn certain things she could do easily before, but then she explains that she experiences a whole other side to the world that she couldn't even hardly explain how beautiful it was. 

When I was listening to her speak about it, even though our stories are very different, I could relate to what she was explaining. 

That paradox. 

It sucks that I'm in pain most of the time. It sucks that so many of my days are spent on the couch or in bed because I can't do anything else. The quantity of mommy time and wife/husband time is diminished. I have lost friends, even though they mean well, I'm just a hard friend to have around right now. It sucks that I don't have any promise of tomorrow. 

But...

It's beautiful that I am forced to live in today. Most of the time, I can't even see past today because I can't process it. And that's ok with me. I'm sure it drives everyone around me crazy (Ha). And when I am "here" and have my good days, they are my GREAT days with my kids and husband (who get the best of me) and friends and family. I feel a high from being well enough to do things like walk through a store or do some housework or get behind the wheel of our minivan!! (that's a rare moment for sure!)

It's a very euphoric feeling. Feeling human. But enjoying being human

IN THIS DAY. 

I wish I could explain it better, 

but I can't. 

Update on Me: Chronic Illness Awareness (while we are at it!)

It has been beyond challenging to write lately. The fog that these illnesses leave me in is debilitating most times, no matter how much or little pain I'm in. But I've promised myself that I would keep writing or at least keep trying. So here I am.

The diagnoses keep coming and so do the pills. I take so many pills, that are both prescription and supplements, I never would've thought this would be me. The picture is just my morning doses.

Good news is I'm responding well to certain meds that help stabilize me enough to keep me out of danger. The bad news, I'm still very "sick." I still have my good days and bad days and very bad days. I will have bouts of days (sometimes a couple weeks) of good days that bring me under the delusion that I'm better. But then I flare again, and it's a reality check of how sick I still am. My good days consist of low pain, low-moderate fatigue, and 20%+ brain fog. My bad days consist of (having at least a few or all of these): high pain, migraines, chest pain, burning arms and/or legs, stiffness, back/neck pain, feet pain, ankle (from my past sprains) pain, ringing ears (6 months going strong), nausea, loss of appetite, dizziness/vertigo, major sensitivity to light and sound, and lots more brain fog.

The depression and anxiety that comes with chronic illness is just as debilitating sometimes. Being stuck in constant pain, fatigue, and fog can leave you feeling very alone and frightened. Watching everyone else doing things around you while you sit, makes you feel like a burden. The never ending question of, "Will this ever lift?" ransacks your thoughts like a dog gnawing at it's bone. It's depressing. Then comes the anxiety of being in situations that bring you more pain, and/or embarrassments and the judgments that come. Sometimes, it's pretty obvious I'm in pain. You can see it in my swollen pale face. But most times, my challenges are invisible to the world. I've been forced to give up so much. So many of my outlets for release have been taken from me, most the time.

I finally gave in to seeing a therapist. I was noticing that not only did my body flare because of the weather, or I overdid it, or I ate something, or it's my time of the month, or my body just felt like doing whatever the hell it wanted to and that day it decided to set my arms on fire..... Sometimes, my emotional instability will cause a flare. When I was making that separation, I realized that not only do I need to work on my body physically, but emotionally/mentally as well. The way I cope with stress is so unhealthy due to my tears and shutdowns ultimately leading to my body shutting down with pain and fatigue. So.... to the therapist I go!

Me with Merlin (my newly named icepack). 

I've also been doing a good job at failing at my new diet plan. The struggle is real! Especially when you are ill and all your comfort foods are "no no's."

So this is just a small glimpse into life with chronic illness. There are so many different kinds of chronic illnesses out there and I do count my blessings when it comes to things I can still do, that others can't.

If you are suffering with chronic illness, I am so deeply sorry. Know that you are not alone and find support groups whether in person, or there's some great ones online. Keep pushing doctors to find out your diagnosis and proper treatments. And love yourself enough to rest as you are able.

If you know someone who is suffering with chronic illness, believe them. Learn about their diagnosis' (the most romantic thing you could do) and how you can help them practically. Buy them fuzzy pajamas, slippers and socks, heating pads, ice packs, movies and don't forget the sweets! (that is, according to their diet restrictions) Give their caretakers a break. Love on them by appreciating that every day they live out their awful disease. Your support means everything to us.

Living With Chronic Illness: "Dear Flaring Kailan..." A Letter to Myself.

Living with chronic illnesses takes it's toll on my emotional/mental health. It's like being stuck on a never-ending roller coaster... and I HATE roller coasters!

On my bad days, (when I'm flaring) I feel like I'm "in the depths of despair."* The world goes on with or without me and I'm forced to choose to be ok with it going on without me. And then my mind travels to the ecstasy of dying. I think, "If the world can go on without me, then why do I even try? Why not die right here?" Its certainly the thing that will ensure the pain will stop. Yes... my bad days are dark days. It never fails. I cry a lot and bleed with love for my caretakers while hating my body.

But then, something happens! The flare lifts enough for me to breathe again. My energy is returned only in very small increments and then I taste life again. My eyes open wide and I feel thankful to still be alive. Thankful for having survived what I've survived. I do a little cleaning and cooking and actually hold conversations with my beautiful, quickly growing, children. My sarcasm returns with the husband and we actually laugh together. It feels like "a high." (I've never smoked weed before, but I can imagine being "high" feels a little like this)

I feel like two different people with these extremes.

So I decided last month to write a letter to myself. I wrote it while I was "high on life" and directed it towards my "flaring" self. I wrote it in hopes to reach out to myself, to save myself. I loved myself enough to at least try.

I had to pull that letter out today. I've been in so much pain this week and I could feel myself going down into my depths. I decided to share it with you as an example for you. I encourage anyone dealing with chronic illnesses to do the same. Wait till you are having a decent day where you are glad to be alive and encourage yourself. Pull it out on your bad days and hold it tight to your heart.


Dear "Flaring" Kailan, 

     Take a deep breath. Slow way down and hold this Truth as close as you can to your heart. You will survive. This is not forever. This flare will eventually lift and you will feel more confident then. You will feel hope again. I know you hate this part of the ride, but it will not last forever. Your kids love you, you are their favorite. Your husband loves you, you are always his best friend. Remember he's always so optimistic? Trust his heart. I know your fantasies of ending it all, but trust ME. When this lifts (because it will) then you will want to live. You will be back. Your laughter, play, silly-ness, singing, reading, writing.... it will all be back. I love you. This disease has changed your life, but it has not changed who you are and what you mean to everyone around you. 

                                                                    With all the GRACE in the world, 
                                                                         "Better Days" Kailan 


I made myself cry. Thank you Kailan.

What would you say to yourself? 



(*Anne of Green Gables)

Open Letter to the Chronically Ill Parent: "There is no replacement for you!"

I am so honored to share my space here with a very good friend of mine Melissa Glennon. We knew each other from church years ago, but have recently reconnected since I've been chronically ill. She's married with a quiver full of children. She is so faithful, always asking me how I'm doing and praying for me. Her friendship has meant the world to me. The unique thing about her is that she grew up with a chronically ill parent, who still battles with it today. I've talked to many chronically ill people, and the common "woe" (besides the obvious pain and suffering) is our "mommy guilt" or "daddy guilt." The guilt that comes when we can't do certain things and our children also suffer the consequences.  I'd bring my "mommy guilt" cry to Melissa and she'd encourage me like no one else could. I found myself using her words to help me comfort others. Then I thought... "I should just have her write an open letter for me to share." And of course, she's amazing so she wrote this very sweet open letter to her dad, who suffers with chronic pain. I'm so thankful for her letter, it encourages me as I continue to raise my own children in the dynamic of chronic illness. My hope is that you find comfort in her unique perspective also.

Melissa writes:

"Dad,

  

   You carried me on your shoulders. I distinctly remember the flip flop my stomach made when you swung me into the air and placed me up to see the world. You took us fishing and always baited my hook. You played catch with me, you wrestled with us, and built us snow forts. You led our family to know, love, and trust in God. I was loved deeply and I knew it!

   As I reflect on my childhood and growing up with you having chronic pain the most striking revelation is that my memories aren't centered around pain. I don't remember many moments where I felt that my dad was different or our family life was affected by the pain. It was simply the way things were and I knew no different. We knew your limitations and lived our lives accordingly.

We all believed that your first back surgery would "fix" you. Your pain seemed less for awhile and we were all so happy! But then came another surgery and another and another... And your pain never got better. I don't remember you complaining about the pain but I also don't remember asking you how you were doing. I am sorry! I am sorry that I was selfish. I remember thinking at times, "He could do it if he really wanted to." Or "He doesn't feel that bad." I wouldn't be able to empathize with you until years and years later.

   I remember you going to the Mayo Clinic to take pain management classes and it being a defeating time for you. Living with the pain seemed like the only option left. I remember being sad that there seemed to be nothing left to fix you.

   Your faith in God never wavered. And if it did, I didn't see it.  I still look at you today as a man of strong faith and that is something that has comforted me my entire life.

   Fast forward, a decade or two, and I am pregnant with my fourth child. Unbeknownst to me, I have a rib out of place and I am in horrible pain. I am unable to turn my neck. Pain shoots down my arm and I can't sleep or eat. After three weeks of pain and stress, a heavenly chiropractor finds the problem and my pain is gone. It was the closest thing I had ever gone through to where I could relate to what you have dealt with for the past 25 years. There really are no words to describe the sadness I feel for your daily affliction. For years, I have prayed that God would heal you, completely, "Take away his pain." One day while praying this it hit me, "What if God's way of taking his pain away would be to take him to heaven?" It stopped me cold. I am not ready to lose my father, and the selfish part of me wanted you to stay... Even if that meant you lived in pain. Again, I am sorry for my selfishness but I love you.  I will continue to pray for complete healing and trust that God's will be done.

   Thank you for loving me, my mother and my siblings, so completely through all your pain. I know you feel bad that you can't do more for us, but I never saw it like that. You have always been more than enough for me. I love you Dad!

To all parents out there with chronic pain: Thank you for loving your children through your pain!! There is no need to feel guilty about what you think we are missing out on. We would rather have you in our lives than any thing else. There is no replacement for you. We love you!"


This was very sweet. I wanted to share her dad's response when she sent him this very letter. 

"Melissa,  I think this is an excellent letter and I hope other parents out there have a daughter like you!  After being injured in Vietnam I learned to deal with pain, so I had a lot of time to prepare me for what lay ahead for me.  You don't deal with chronic pain alone and I'm thankful for my prayer group at work, the Mayo Pain Clinic and of course your mom ( my best support person ), who knows better than any of you what chronic pain is all about without having it.  There is no need for you to ever feel guilty, after all life is what molds our character and I think we're all hanging in there as a family!  Thanks for taking the time & sharing your thoughts.  Love, Dad "

I Believe Jesus: Finding Hope While Chronically Ill

It was so quiet and beautiful being out in the plains of Iowa. I sat on my folding chair, watching the nervous groom precede his wedding party down the aisle. I thought about how delighted I was to actually be there and witness this with my own eyes. It was very hot that night. I had prepared myself to be overheated and in pain, so I had my medication with me, along with my ice packs in a mini cooler bag and a battery powered fan. The faithful trees shaded me. I had pushed so hard to be there that night. I kept saying "the universe is against me!" as I watched all our kids, including myself, come down with colds. I was flaring and sick and still my mother sacrificed her plans to take my sick kids so I could push myself to go to this wedding. It was special. Not only was an amazing young couple getting married, but my husband was officiate for the first time. I was proud of all of them. It was simple and beautiful and I was honored to be a part of it in this small way.

Not only did I have my physical obstacles, but I admit I came with a heavy heart. I'm tired. Tired of being sick. I ebb and flow with wanting to live vs. wanting to die. I question God as to why I have to be sick all the time. Not only have I not gone to church because of my sickness, but my heart still distrusts the whole business of church in general. Once you've gone through the hell of feeling outcast and betrayed by a church, it's hard to trust again. I have been so depressed, spinning in this never ending circle of healing the emotional so I can heal the physical, whilst fighting the physical trying to keep my head about me. It's a cruel cycle of catch 22. But it's left me feeling weary. Broken. Unfixable. Futile toiling. Breaking me bit by bit. And it was winning.

But I made it to this wedding. I sat in that congregation of family and friends joined to witness this couple's love for each other. I was proud of myself.

The vows began. They wrote their own and it was the bride's turn. I was so moved by their sweet words to each other but then she started speaking the words that were about to grab my heart. Within her vows she said, "If Jesus believes that marriage can last a lifetime, then I believe it too because I believe Jesus." It was an epiphany for me. Tears fled from my eyes in an instant and I had to take a deep breath so I didn't make too much of a spectacle crying like I was. People must have thought I was being way too emotional. Ha. If they only knew how my heart swelled as I longed for that touch from my Savior. I know the words she was saying were meant for her husband just then, but the power that radiated from her mouth to the ears listening in, I was truly humbled by this young bride's faith. I immediately started to interpret to my heart as I chewed on that phrase. She even kept it a simple mantra throughout her vows. "If Jesus believes it, I believe it too because I believe in Jesus." Oh! My weak spirit! My weak faith! I was being restored with each tear I had to wipe away.

* Jesus said, "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

If Jesus says I will find rest, if Jesus promises restoration then it will be.

Because if Jesus believes it, then I believe it too. Because I believe Jesus.

I have learned much from this experience of being chronically ill. It has stretched me like no other obstacle has. And I had forgotten Jesus'promises. I had forgotten how much I believe in Him. And how much He believes in me.




Thank you sweet Mallory, the young beautiful bride. May He bless you both.

*Matthew 11:28-29