I was once told that in ancient Jewish culture ( not to say that they don't do it today) that if there was a death, friends and family would go to their house and sit with them..... just sit.If the grieved one talked, then the friends and family would talk. If the person wanted to just sit, though, they all would just sit. ... in silence. I know for some people today, that's hard, but truly, silence is so soothing to one that has just lost someone so close. There are no words that any man can say to make ... it ... better, or make it ... ok.
I hated it when people would hug me and say, "It'll be ok" .... honestly I wanted to smack them. No, I'm not proud of that feeling, but I'm being honest. Not that I'm holding a grudge against any of you for saying that, if you did, cause honestly I don't remember who would say it to us. Anyway, define ok.... feeling well.. doing fine.... at that time, that is the last thing I wanted to hear or feel, for that matter. Especially from someone who has no idea how I'm feeling. It's suffocating, really.
If you noticed in my story about Sarah, the people that I remember making it such a beautiful moment, that day in the hospital, were people that didn't say much TO US. They spoke FOR US..... , let me elaborate. Our pastors, they read scripture... the only words that we could truly hear at that time, the only words that were going to enable us to heal. The Pattersons, they prayed over us, for our marriage, our family. Our friends, Marc and El, they wept with us, holding us. That's what made it even slightly bearable. The fact is, is that we had such spiritual fellowship, and the only words that were spoken were scripture, prayer, and the sound of weeping. I remember when we got back to mom's house, after being at the hospital for hours, going straight to that very bed, my little girl left me. I planted myself there. If anyone wanted to see me, they had to come and sit with me on that bed. I remember I was laying there and Brandy came in and laid right beside me, and that's all she did. We cried, just she bearly said anything. That was a beautiful moment.
Have you ever felt like you didn't know what to say to someone who has lost such a loved one? That's the Spirit trying to tell you to be silent, He has given you no words to speak, cause there are none. What do you say to a mother who has lost a child .... 'it'll be ok? " NO,
if you say anything at all,
May His Words come out of your mouth.... Luke 20:36, "for neither can they die anymore, for they are like angels, and they are children of God...."
May you know the scripture so well that you respect Philippians 4:7, "and peace of God, which transcends all comprehension, shall guard your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus. "
Sometimes people would come up to us, stand in front of us, and say, " I don't know what to say.." believe it or not,.... that also, was a breath of fresh air.
I just read this in Job and thought of your post. Maybe it's some insight on how to love those who are in indescribable grief:
ReplyDelete11 When Job's three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. 12 When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. 13 Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.
Love you guys.
Marti
Marti,
ReplyDeleteThat is a great text. I was watching a Rob Bell video, and he mentioned an old Hebrew tradition that the Jews applied in grieving called sitting shiva. I looked it up and here is the definition.
Process
Immediately upon the burial of the departed (which in Judaism traditionally occurs within one day of death whenever possible), any first-degree relatives assume the halakhic status of "avel" (Hebrew: אבל ; "mourner"). This state lasts for seven days, during which family members traditionally gather in one home (preferably the home of the deceased) and receive visitors, though in some cases, where relatives live in different cities or otherwise find a single location inconvenient, shiva may be observed in multiple locations.
"At the funeral, mourners traditionally rend an outer garment, a ritual known as keriah (see below). The torn garment is worn throughout shiva. Among Orthodox Jews, a regular garment is generally used. But outside of the Orthodox community, a common alternative used in lieu of rending a garment is to wear a small torn black ribbon pinned to one's clothes."
It is also interesting to note that "shiva" means seven in Hebrew and the ritual lasted for seven days. It is common belief that the mourners would do whatever the affected party wished. If silence was wished, silence was given. It's a great tool for those with grieving friends or family members. Sometimes silence is better than any word could express.
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