Samuel

What blessings children can be in different ways. Brandy's son, Samuel, our nephew, was only 2 1/2 months older than Sarah. Brandy and I were pregnant together, having our babies together, it really was a joyful time, as we filled the Wing House with plenty of grandchildren:) When Sarah died, my arms felt so empty. I became less busy only taking care of our first child once again. I remember not wanting to hear babies crying or even the mere sound of their voice. It made me sick and, to be honest, bitter... that they had their baby, and I didn't. Why did I have to lose mine? - I constantly asked myself. Not that I'd wish it on anyone else, but you know how everyone thinks- I won't happen to me. I remember at that very Christmas dinner, that I previously mentioned in the last post, that I realized how healing children can be, and for that moment, it was those Dawson boys:)
I was holding Sarah's blanket and 3 year old David comes to me and asks, so curiously, "What's that?" he points to the blanket. I teared up, and told him, "it's Sarah's blanket" he's a smart boy, so he continues asking, "Where is Sarah?" and I told him all that was important, that she was in Heaven with Jesus up in the sky. He pondered that statement that I had made to him, and as I'm holding back my tears, as to not frighten him, he says to me, " well...... He needs to come back down here, and bring that baby back to you!" Losing some tears at that point, I told him that it doesn't work that way, that she is there to stay and she can't come here, but we have to go there. He ponders, once again, and tells me his elaborate plan on how we are all going to go to visit heaven. I don't even remember some of the details about his master plan, but I do remember his final solution, because every idea that he came up with, he figured out how that idea wouldn't work. So he says to me, in his finale, "We are just going to have to wear, really really big shoes." He had this very serious look on his face too. anyway, by the end of it all, I was laughing.
That day, I got enough strength to hold another baby, our baby Samuel. He loved on me, and cuddled with me and gave me lots of love. I cried, of course, and he'd look at me and lay his head back down on me. It was so healing to be able to do that. I was so fearful of what might happen, but I've come to realize that, if it's fear that you feel, that probably means that you are supposed to be doing it. Of course satan wants me to crash to place that I can't get out of, so he will bring in fear, wherever I am that will do me good. I held that baby, and now I can't stay away from them and want the whole world of babies. I'm not sure yet on how many babies Josh and I will have. God willing ,... a lot.:) I have been given a blessing to watch, one of Sarah's best friends, grow up. And that relationship will always have a place in my heart. God is good.