2 words: Hormonal Imbalance

Oh MY GOODNESS!  Whenever I heard women, in the past, speaking of hormonal imbalances I just thought they felt a little icky and irritable, and needed medicine to control this icky feeling all the time. I never knew that it was so painful. Icky and irritable are minor details with what I've been experiencing. I've felt like I'm pregnant, on my period, AND possibly having menopausal symptoms. Not that I thought I was actually going through menopause BUT I sure felt like it. All these things hurt and were painful, among not eating, and feeling sick when I finally ate, migraine headaches galore!!! I was a mess with hot flashes, then chills, and trying to take care of all my kids during this, none the less. There have been a few family members (God love you for it) asking my husband if I was depressed or ok cause it was starting to show. Honestly, I've been feeling better, emotionally, but physically, I am not feeling well at all, most of the time, being in pain. Poor Isaiah, seeing mommy laying on the couch, often cause I just don't feel well.  I sure wasn't going to deal with this very long before I did something about it. (it's only been a month and a half) I knew that THAT was not normal, soooo, I met with my midwife and she is putting me on "the pill". Not too excited about that, but if it will make all this painful chaos go away, ....... whatever! Besides this will save me from the rigors of natural family planning. I know Josh and I want to wait to have more kids until my body has had plenty of time to heal, so it'll be ready to undergo a VBAC. (and yes, I've found a wonderful doctor who will do it) He said that I have good chances of it going well due to the fact that I've had 3 previous natural deliveries.
According to my midwife, the more children you have, the more crazy your hormones get. I didn't know that. I'm not sure how the Duggar mom does it, but of course, she just gets pregnant again... :) I did start seeing signs of this before I got pregnant with Tesh, but then they went away when I got pregnant, so that WOULD fix my problem, but we, UNFORTUNATELY, can't afford to have THAT many kiddos. And my body does need to heal from the c-section.

I've definately questioned having more babies after all that's gone on with Tesh, but now that she's getting better, and being more "normal" I've found myself wondering about what the next one will be like? Will it be a boy or girl? Oh my, I'm so bad. Someone told me that I was addicted to having babies. I think it's true.

Well, I'm definitely not as eager this time around, I am enjoying my little ray of sunshine now. Hopefully this "pill" works and does it's thang. Sometimes I do wonder if God really created us like this, or if this is just the result of "the fall" ..... I don't know. sorry, I'm not going to make much spiritual sense right now. I'm very very tired. It's 7 pm, and I can't seem to stay awake. yes, this would be another symptom. I actually slept in till 7 am this morning, "Thanks Tesh!" But yeah, I'm just tired all the time. I know normally I try to give everyone a nugget of Truth, but I don't have much but to say that God is sovereign and merciful, and even in my pain, I know He's holding me, telling me that everything's going to be fine. Because I can't see His presence in these situations, I have to TRUST His presence is there. There's that word again...... 

Today was a good day though..... and I owe it all to Love..... which can only be God-breathed.

On To The Next Thing....

I just wanted to say it officially....... we are NOT failure to thrive any longer. She will be 5 months old next week and she is weighing in at 11 lbs.15oz. The Pedi. said that they want their babies to double their birth weight by 6 months of age. Well, people, she was 6.5 lbs. at birth and we are close already. Praise God!

~Thank you my Lord and King for holding my baby in your arms and hearing our prayers for mercy. You have done great things for us, and continue to do great things. ~

I read on an old friend's facebook, on her favorite quotes, there was written this, "Perfect love casts out all fear - Bible"  When I think and meditate on that verse 1 John 4:18, I like to go back a little,

v.16 "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in the world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear,....."

To fully experience this, I believe it would take a life time. What a Great God we have.

Please understand me, my body is worn, my headaches persist, I (Kailan) have fallen with my fear many times, and there is healing still happening and will continue to happen, but to have this stirring in my heart, it is like a drink of fresh water, medicine to my soul- something "the world" can not take from me.

We will breathe through this next obstacle.... the surgery itself. We see Dr. M April 9th. His PA said to me that he will do a "work up" on her when we are there that day, and schedule our surgery. She said it'll probably be within that month from the appt.

These life circumstances for the Wing Family have been a blessing in disguise, teaching Josh and I how to be content in all things (we've not been in ALL things yet), preparing us for the rigors of the ministry. We are no where near perfect, neither could one be, but I believe God sees our hearts in our strife for continued learning.

Our prayers now are for God to continue his mercy on little Teshura, that He make her strong for surgery. Also, praying for Josh and I to make a decision based on the discernment of where God would have him (our family) working and serving. It is a big undertaking, and my husband is a very loved man (if I may say so) and I am proud to be his wife and have been ready and willing to stand by him in where ever God leads him.

Switching Places

It's been a long while since I've been at a SIDS group meeting. For the longest time, it was Josh and I, sitting there being the 'fresh ones' and the support for us was tremendous. As I sat at that table, I listened to everyone's comments being directed towards a certain couple. Their daughter died, just five weeks ago. They passed around pictures, as so everyone did, cause of course, a SIDS parent has pictures on them at all times. But when I saw their baby girl, I looked at that smile, and thought, 'she was here, just 5 weeks ago.' It broke my heart for her, for them, and then came Sarah's face to my mind. Those last moments of kissing her soft cheeks, sitting on mom's couch nursing her, tucking her in before I left her...... there.......
When it came my turn to speak and to say any words of wisdom I was given by the Holy Spirit, I started with, "I'm 3 years out and......" I thought instantly, 'wow! 3 years..... I'm there. I'm where 'the others' were when we started coming there. We have switched places.'
I was no longer the fresh SIDS parent with that hopeless ache of no end, needing to be comforted. I am now, the one that is able to comfort, having hope that even though there is no end, peace still exists, the cool of the day exists, that the Kingdom of Heaven is still at hand. Where they are trying with every effort to keep their faces above water ( I remember well), I am standing waist deep with my arms held out while He, the One True Savior, is all around them. He is the One that is treading water with them, He is the One underneath them desiring to hold them up with time for healing, and He is the One flying over head taking charge of those waters, whether it is noticed or not.
Where is satan in all this? he is the seaweed that strokes our legs making us fear the water enabling the water to overcome us. Because of Jesus' name, because of what Jesus has done, He has given us power to overcome it. Sometimes I forget that power, because of my hopelessness. Instead of focusing on the shoreline, my attention is turned downward into the abyss. I would be lying if I told you that I never tread water and start to drown. I would also be lying if I said I have never looked at that abyss again.  But what would be honest is the fact that I serve a Faithful King. He has not left me, nor forsaken me. He has held my hand, and I have felt Him.

I left that meeting last night painfully knowing that they were going to go home to an empty house. I cried most of the way home, remembering that feeling of first stepping into the house after Sarah died, I was missing my baby, and for the first time, I prayed, " Lord, Thank you for giving me my trials, so I can comfort those hurting now." He knew more than I did, that I needed them in order to reflect the Light.  I came home, last night, to a full house because of what the Lord has done for me.

I encourage all who are reading this, to go and be comforters, in the way that God has made you to be.

1 Corinthians 1:3-7
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort." 
 

I Hit a Curve Ball

The last 24 hours has thrown me some pretty good sized curve balls. Yesterday morning I thought to myself, ' you know, I really don't know if this neurosurgeon is going to do the same surgery as the last one planned, and I don't know if "a team" will be present also.' So I got the urge to call.... I talked to the secretary of this doctor and I asked my questions. She informed me that a team will not be needed for the type of surgery that he will perform. I asked what surgery he was planning on doing. She said the "strip" one, where he will make a cut where the suture needs to be, and widen it. He'll make a couple cuts on either side and widen the sides a little, and then she'll do "helmet therapy" for 3-6 months. I was very confused at this, cause all I knew was, that was not the surgery I had prepared myself for. There are pros and cons. The CVR surgery is more invasive, more blood loss, but the chance for resurgery is slim. This "strip" surgery is less invasive, a little less blood loss, but the chance for resurgery is a little greater, which frightens me. I asked her about the team part of things, and she said that this surgery he does alone, the other he does only for other sutures that are closed, and that the team gets involved for that. I was freaking out cause I was not prepared to hear all this. I thought we were on the same page, but what I was realizing was, I was still on the page of the previous doctors that were no longer her doctors. I cried to my mother, and she said very wise and comforting words to me.
"Kailan! Now is the time to understand what it means to trust in the Lord. You need to trust Him and trust that He is the one that brought you to this doctor. You need to trust this doctor, that he knows what he's doing and what's good for Tesh." Although I'm forever grateful to this doctor for standing up for Tesh, but I found myself still skeptical of his ability to treat her? Mom said the words I needed to hear. I'm not in control of this part. I do trust the Lord, I do trust that He sent us here, I do trust this doctor, and if he thinks this is best for her, then that is what will happen. So now I need to put that trust into action, and show my Savior and King that I am His bondservant. That was the last time I cried about the type of surgery and the doctor's decision.

Onto a different page, I turned my attention to her weight issues again, as I received a call from my Pediatrician. She informed me that she and the new GI doc. were talking and that he handed Tesh's case back over to her cause there was nothing more that needed to be done. I started explaining my concern for her having "milk soy protein intolerance" (MSPI) and she quickly said back, " yes, that's what she has." as if I already knew this. I was frustrated and told her that the old GI doc. never breathed a word to me about it. She said that she suspected it in the past, but then we ended up in the hospital and met with the (old) GI doc, and he investigated on it. .....slowly........ I was floored. I couldn't believe that it was a fact now, unbeknownst to me, that she has MSPI. So then I asked her to hear me out. My plea was for a formula that would, without a doubt, be something that he will tolerate, and grow from. I wanted her to be on Elecare. She, with no challenge, wrote the script for it right away. I thanked her enormously for that, and felt so relieved that this battle was finally over. It was like getting up off the ground and looking around realizing that you've just won and that time will finally begin to heal the wounds. I took a good deep breath and thanked the Lord for He IS good. I truly have so many things to be thankful for. So many blessings that I am able to touch every day. I've got a wonderful husband, beautiful children, and a house to clean.









I couldn't ask for more.


This does not take my fear away, for I am still nervous about the surgery itself. But what I do still have is hope, and hope does not disappoint. The sunrise was beautiful today. As I rest and recuperate, I am restored by my Father once again.

Unveiling the Present

The long awaited appt. with this doctor finally came. I had Tesh on my lap, and he walked through the door, this older man from India, sat in front of me and one of the first things out of his mouth was, " What was her birth weight? " I answered, " 6lbs. 5oz." He then asked, " What is her weight now?" I answered, " 10lbs. 13oz." Shaking his head, he said with a serious tone, "She's gained 4 lbs. in 4 months. .... That is not good."
He went on to explain to me the diagnosis that we already knew about her head, and declared that she, indeed, needed surgery. BUT he can not touch her right now. He said, "I can't go into a baby like this. We call these babies "failure to thrive"." My face felt a little numb as I was trying to swallow that word, once again. That took me back, but he continued, "She needs surgery, but I can't and won't do it until she is well. Do you know WHY she is not gaining weight?"
My answers seemed so weak, but I gave him all that I knew. I found myself stumbling over my answers realizing what weak statements they were, " well....... they think that there might be a milk protein allergy.... she's on acid reflux med...." As I'm saying all these things, he's shaking his head, seemingly becoming more disappointed. He looked upset. He interrupted my ramblings about her health with, " WHO is THEY?" I answered him, " My Ped. and the GI specialist." Shakes his head again. As a father instructs his child, he said very seriously, " They need to get to the bottom of this. They need to figure out what is going on, why she won't gain adequate weight."
I went on saying that I've been feeling like they haven't been listening to me, and that I have theories, but they seem reluctant to try them out or test for them. He's shaking his head again, and then stands, " Do you know who I am? I am a neurologist. I am a professor of neurology. I've done....." and he went on about how many surgeries he's done, and how many of that were infants. and then concluded it with, " I am the one they all go to, I am it. THEY will listen to ME. I'm going to talk with these doctors, and make them get to the bottom of this. She needs surgery, but I can't do it with her in this state. They need to fix it, and if they can't, she will come here to get it done, and see the doctors here. " All I could say to that....... "ok"
I did ask him a couple questions about the actual surgery, but I almost felt I was getting off topic. It was a short-lived appt. and not what I was expecting.
I was expecting some productive consult about what surgery and when, and preparation, But what I got was a different form of productivity, which took me a little bit to see it that way.

He was the only Doctor that was standing up for little Tesh. He took the veil over my eyes, that the docs. back home put on me with words like" she's fine" " keep doing what you are doing", he lifted it up from my face.
This forced me to look at my daughter once more, and then I thought, " What am I doing??" He fueled the fire that, in my heart, was fading like embers. I was fighting back tears.

He felt around at Tesh's head, reassuring me of some flex with the metopic (forehead) suture, which made me feel better about the future for that issue. She started pouting at him, as he felt around explaining what was wrong about her head, and why. But then he instantly, turned into "Papa mode" and said to her with the sweetest voice, " Oh no, sweetie, I'm not talking about you. You are beautiful! It's ok, I'm going to fix this head of yours." It put a smile to my face, but I don't think Tesh was buying it. :)

He left shortly after that, with instructions to do whatever we have to do to get to the bottom of this, and that he'll see us back in 6 weeks, and see how she's doing then. April 9 is when we return for "take 2" and hopefully this mama can move this mountain with God's strength that He's so willing to bestow me with.

When we left that hospital, walking into the parking lot, packing everything back into the van, tears started slowly coming down from my eyes. I looked at sleeping little Tesh in her carseat, and my heart broke. We left there feeling very uneasy, not necessarily about the surgery, which there was, to some degree, disappointment. But we were trying to digest the seriousness of her present state, and that it's keeping her from a surgery that may save her life.

I was angry. I began wailing angry tears almost the whole car ride home. I was angry with the docs. back home, I was angry at myself for not pushing harder. I knew something was still wrong, and yet I sat in that feeling, becoming numb to what I ought to have done. My flame was burning now, and I was getting ready to forgive myself, and move onto what I needed to do now.
As I had moments of calmness, we watched the sunset, homeward bound. I was comforted by it's beauty, and remembered that as the sun sets, it will rise again. Of course, I went back and forth from crying, madness, and fighting depression, but as the sun, it still sets again, and rises again, so my life shall be on this earth.

Which is better....... to watch the sun rise or the sun set? They both look the same, but take on different passions. There is hope in sun set, because all the days trials are finally coming to a close, and there is rest. For there is joy in the sun rise, for a new day has been given and you are awake!

Isaiah 45:6 "That men may know from the rising to the setting of the sun that there is no one besides Me. I am the Lord, and there is no other. "

Curious Hospital

I'm writing two different posts about my day at the neurologist's appt. because there are distinctly two different emotions.

As we drove the hour and a half, it took to get to this neurosurgeon, I was sick with anxiety. I was glad and excited that it was finally here and that we were going to finally get some good answers. Then I was also sick with nerves, I was nervous about what he was going to tell us and what if I don't like him?
Josh and I talked the whole way there, I read a little to him out of our "car" book, "A Grief Observed"- CS Lewis. (good book)

We got to this massive hospital, parked, set Tesh up in the stroller and away we went to explore the place she is to have surgery. Within a fashion, we found our way to the clinic. We waited for a long while, and noticed that some were taking pagers out and then coming back when paged for their appt. so....... we jumped on the band wagon. We explored a little bit of the hospital. My nerves were getting a little easier, getting to know the place a little better. I began to imagine what it's going to be like being here, and eating in that cafeteria when our little girl is recovering.
I found that hospital very curious though. As we walked the halls, we ran into certain sitting areas and cafe's as we passed. There were medical personnel, patients, family/friends waiting with their loved ones. People were staring at Tesh, but in the same, I was looking at them. Both sides, seeking out "what is wrong with that person?" Some have been here for days, some for months. You could never really tell what their situation was.
We stopped at this cafe cause, of course, Josh HAD to get coffee. I was looking and watched all the people sitting at the tables. Some were talking and laughing like it was a complete oasis for them. Others, had very tired expressions on their faces, not speaking so much to the person sitting next to them. I saw this teenage girl, sitting alone, with her ipod in her ears, and her phone texting away. She had bags under her eyes. I wondered 'Is she here with a sibling? or a parent?'
While we were looking at books, our very loud pager went off. We looked at eachother and thought, this is it! Let's go! As we made our way back to the clinic, I saw a nurse pushing a wheelchair along with all these cords and tubes. In the chair was a another teenage girl, with her face engrossed in texting her friends. I had to smile inside. Nothing will stop a teen from being a teen. :)





Anyway, we sat for a few minutes and were finally called into the room. We sat in there for a while, so much so, we got bored and started taking a bunch of pictures.

Then he finally came in..... with a mission in his eyes.....

Persistent Ache

I still have good days and bad days when it comes to my sweet Sarah. And I also have good days and bad days when it comes to the reality of what Tesh is going through. Some days I feel confident, and sane, .... others...... I feel that reliable pain, that is always there, the most. Sometimes I sit and just think on the events of that horrid day for me, wonderful for her. I think on how she felt when I first found her, my thoughts of denial that 911 needed to be called. And then I switch to a future imagination of me setting Tesh on her big pre-op bed, giving her her last kiss, letting the nurses and doctors take her away from me. How do you let go? How do you be content with "that last touch"? I know the odds of her passing during surgery are slim to none, but then, again, so was Sarah's situation.
With Sarah, I had no choice in the matter. She was gone, and there was nothing I could do to bring her back. No good-byes, no preparation. But with Tesh's situation, I'm deciding, as her mother, that the doctors are right in that surgery is needed, and I am willingly preparing her to do so, having the ability to say, "I'll see you later". Although it will be hard to see her recovery unfold, at least she'll be alive. The instant I say that, I feel guilty. I do not wish suffering on my daughter, but I selfishly want her here, to stay. Should I be confident that her place is here because she has a purpose on Earth when I have a God that gives and takes away as He sees fit? She does indeed have a purpose, but is it to stay? is the question. Will I lose another child, all so people can see His glory and mercy? Which He knows that I will. Or will she, herself, be able to speak on her own behalf, with her own testimony that will give glory to the Most High? And that, only He can tell if she will. Which am I to stand on? Both ways, He will receive glory. And that is what I must be content with. I say this as my heart breaks, and I am holding back tears, just to get through writing this blog post.
Sometimes I feel like Job, wailing in a "woe is me" attitude. But then, I see where I am growing, or struggling more clearly when I'm under such pressure. I look back at where I was, and think, 'I've come so far' and then I look at the road ahead and think, 'I have so far to go still'.

Tesh is gaining weight. Praise God. The fatter she gets, the more she looks like her older sister Sarah. Thank you God for that little sweet face, but she still has Papa's ornery smile. :) Tesh is still sickly though, and I intend to get it checked out more evasively. Next wed. we see the neurosurgeon team at Iowa City. I have so many questions. and of course, life goes on....... Isaiah is acting out due to all the chaos in the home, Eve is coming to a close with potty training (thank you God again :) and my husband and I, simultaneously, pretty much missed Valentine's Day, not giving it much thought, but are enjoying the chocolates that the kids received. We are not big V-day people anyway. I'm a deep well for quality time, no V-day is going to suffice that. I adore him so much. I can't even think about anything happening to him. Not going there.
Anyway. Taxes are in, bills are due, debts to pay........... life goes on. And that is probably one of the hardest things to hear and to accept when you're in such trials, but the world does not care, as we've learned through our bank. Now I must go and clean house, making ready for the nurse that is to show up at my door in a few hours.

Thank you to all of you who have said to me in the last few weeks, "Keep taking it day by day." It's amazing how quickly I forget such sound advice.

Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not be anxious for tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."