Satisfied: Last Dedication

Last Sunday, our family had our last babies dedicated. 

It was such a weird dynamic, standing together as our little family of 7 (secretly 8), in front of a body of believers that are still new to us. As we scrambled to gather our children to all stand nicely at our side so the church can concentrate on what was about to happen, I couldn't help but think of all we've been through as a family and all that we are presently going through. I kept thinking how this was the last dedication for our little unit.  

As I sit here and write about it, I'm remembering all the others. Isaiah's dedication was interesting because we were in a Lutheran church getting our baby dedicated and not baptized. Instead they anointed his head with oil and prayed over him. What a blessing he's been to us, having the mind and thought process that he has, all the theological discussions, I can't even count the times. He truly is a "man after God's own heart" (the meaning of Isaiah's name)

We didn't get a chance to dedicate Sarah before she died. But in a way, I don't grieve that part as much because her death was like the ultimate dedication. Of course, no where did I give my consent, but that's the beauty of it. The reminder that they are only on loan to us after all.  The way I am able to honor such a dedication is by sharing her story and giving that Love to people that need it with the utmost empathy only one that has gone through it can give.  What a "princess" she truly is. (the meaning of Sarah's name) 

Eve wouldn't let the pastor hold her during the prayer. She stayed in mommy's arms. Such raw emotions fighting the urge to hold her tight and never let her go, after losing Sarah. I had to commit to embracing God's control along with His Love at the same time. This little girl's arrival has stretched me in ways I didn't know I needed to be stretched, in ways I didn't see coming. But we were made new... again. We journeyed through our "new beginnings" with her arrival. (the meaning behind Eve's name) 

Teshura... oh Teshura. She let the pastor hold her, in all her fight and pain she went through, there is so much deep love inside of her, so deep, it's usually hard to tap into. ;) Again stretching me with my emotions, her trials only brought, and continue to bring, our young family that much closer together. What a true "gift of God" she really is. (the meaning of Teshura's name) 

Then there's Naomi and Ruth. They were dedicated together (last Sunday) and they have brought that much more healing to our family. I had certain emotional scars that these 2 surprises brought healing to. It will be interesting what they continue to bring to our family. Naomi lives up to her name, meaning "beautiful" and "pleasant" (most of the time). Of course, she looks exactly like me! Ha! And Ruth, there are several meanings to her name, but my favorites are "companion" and "friend". She is 2 months old now and I can't wait to see her personality blossom. But the ultimate favorite meaning of her name is "satisfied". 

For I am satisfied with all these babies that I have. I am overwhelmed with raising 5 of them, disciplining 5 of them, feeding 5 of them, schooling 5 of them, getting them to bed is almost comical as they each come with 5 hugs and 5 kisses and 5 drinks of water (assuming Ruth will follow suit when a little older). I know one day I will miss doing everything 5 times.  

When it comes to my babies, I am satisfied. 

the Wingdings

We're Not Worthy! We're Not Worthy!

I keep hearing the term.. "I deserve this... " or "until he deserves me..." or "if he's worthy of your respect..." These kinds of phrases have always rubbed me the wrong way for as long as I can remember the conviction of it.

I would always walk around calling myself, "the walking curse." (I've been clean from that for 1 year now. woot!) But that mentality wasn't ALL poisonous as it may have seemed... I mean, I was using it punch myself in the face, knowing there's another punch around the corner. Of course, you can't deny that life has curve balls and obstacles almost at every corner. But the problem was, I didn't see myself as "His beloved." I saw myself as Ugly. Cursed. Abandoned.

So you can imagine that any time someone would say, "Yes, Kailan, you deserve a break!" "You deserve this..." "You deserve that..." I'd nod and smile, but think... I'm ugly, unworthy, undeserving, ... oh and a curse!

So I've dropped "the walking curse" label as of recently and am trying to now say to myself, "I am beloved."

But the words "deserving" or "worthy" always still gets to me. I was reading a quote recently that talked about how a woman will follow a man that is worthy of her respect. I was also reading someone writing about how they deserve better, and that this person doesn't deserve them... and so forth...

That first quote was from a pretty famous Christian that many follow. It irked me. I was irked...

What a standard to live by! Will that man ever truly deserve her respect? Will I ever deserve my husband's love? Will I ever get to that standard of living where I will achieve such a worthiness of gaining his love? Does he only love me because I deserve it?

(excuse me while I laugh for writing such a ridiculous question with that last one... )

Of course he doesn't love me because I deserve it. I don't deserve his patience, his respect, his forgiveness, or his love. But he gives it because I'm simply that precious to him... for some reason.  God, I love that man!

There is only one person that actually deserves our love and respect. Who is actually Worthy.

Yep.. the big Man Himself.

I am not Him. My husband is not Him. Neither of us will ever be Him.

I've come to the conclusion that no human being can achieve such worthiness.

(Gosh kailan, this is kinda depressing.. I get it, we aren't worthy or deserving.. we are pieces of shite.)

But that's the beauty of it. (Warning: churchy answer here.) We get Love regardless of our undeserved-ness and unworthiness.

So why love and respect other undeserving human beings? If I don't deserve it, they don't either, right?

Right.

But we love and respect because that's what we are called to do. The One who IS deserving and worthy of it, is telling us to love and respect eachother. 

period.

I See Her.

Over the holidays, I've seen so many family and friends, it seemed endless as I hugged and talked to people one by one. I am blessed.

People ask me how I've gotten through certain things... it's really no wonder when you look at the size of my family and see the chemistry of silly-ness, music, art, intelligence, dark humor, light humor, all wrapped up into a Christian burrito.

...

I hope that made sense.

Anyway. Moving on. I saw a familiar face during all these festivities. But not only was it familiar because I knew the person, but because her eyes took a familiarity that reminded me of myself starting about 2 years ago. My oppressed self. I saw her. I saw it in her eyes.

I listened to her story about how life is going right now for her and I could hear things that she was saying like an echo from things I had said in the past. Even down to the phrase, "Nothing you can say will help me." This is true in a lot of circumstances. Words do only hold so much water when you are down and out. But this was different. This is coming from an apathy that truly only God can touch.

It's funny, because I felt an empathy to her apathy and still, felt I couldn't reach her. When you are in that deep, it's hard to feel anything. It's hard to sympathize with people. She already knows the Truth, but what she's seeing, right now, is another truth,...

Life.
Sucks.

Doesn't matter how good your heart is. Or how good your intentions are or were. Or how hard you work. People get hurt. And it seems endless.

Life.
Sucks.

Even though I'm out of the heavy oppression I was under, I'm still healing. I'm still "coming out of it." When veils of real life are lifted, it hurts. I go back to that awareness I spoke of earlier, where your eyes are so "open."

"When did you suffer? "

It's very despairing when you first hit the point when the veil is initially taken off. And there are many veils in life. But there's this lost feeling that's so overwhelming, leaving you vulnerable to dark attacks. Coming out of it though? It's beautiful. I can imagine I'll never recover because full recovery would mean that I'd possibly lose sight of this awareness that's left it's scar. The beauty is seeing the Church, seeing the Body, in it's most raw form. What it was meant to be. What it is. Even then.... it's still a mere glimpse of it's potential.

I see her.

And I'm sure she'll make it out alive. Beautifully scarred, but more alive than she's ever felt. My hope for her is that it won't take long. But everybody is different.

She is not alone.


This song "All Creatures" by Elisaray was a song that was on repeat during that dark time for me. I still love listening to it.

Looking Forward Behind Me

I know.. that title almost doesn't make sense. Just go with it.

I'm actually looking forward to this new year. Fresh starts always motivate one to look out with their eyes wide open and really think about what they want to do.

I've been compiling a list... not so much a "bucket list" (as I have been corrected) and not so much a "Punch list" (because I don't think I can take the "definiteness" .. oh my goodness, that's a word!). "Hit List" isn't quite what I want. "Honey Do List" won't work because I'll be the one fulfilling the list.

Anywho, but what's a list worth without commitment... so I've lovingly titled it my "Squash List". A list that you are committed to accomplishing within a certain amount of time. (mine being for 2014)

Why the name? I don't know.. it's best not to ask questions. You know, squash is a vegetable that is very good for you. Very versatile.

 I encourage you to make a Squash List. Figure out your short term goals. What's something you dreamed of trying and just haven't done yet? What's something practical you can do to your house, your yard, your time, for your children, for your spouse? for yourself? ... the list could go on.

I got this in the mail, with my name on it, the other day. I thought it was funny because:
1. I've never ever smoked one cigarette in my whole life
2. I had already been equivelating my cussing habit to smoking cigarettes. In my anger and depression, I have let my mouth slide. It was such a quick forming habit, like cigarettes and now it's hard to break. My son may or may not have said a few choice words, where as my husband was able to give me the evil eye in accusation... to which his accusation was true. ((sigh))... It's on my Squash List.

Looking back at my year in 2013 I find it interesting to observe that this time last year, I was not pregnant, nor did I want to be or plan to be.... and now I have a beautiful little infant daughter in my arms.

This time last year, we were going through financial issues... now... we are there again... it's on my Squash List.

This time last year, I was very depressed, still dealing with my anger over the previous year... Now? I'm healing. I'm doing better, and I plan to continue healing and using my experience for good.

Good things happened this last year too, (along with having our 6th baby) like our 10 year Anniversary, we got to spend some awesome time together, and everyone survived my pregnancy!

I'm looking forward to creating my Squash List, looking back at where I was, and looking forward to where I want to be, things I want to try or accomplish.

Fresh starts are like fresh air. Take a deep breath.

Squash.

3 Years Post-Op Checkup

Last Friday, we went to the University of Iowa Hospital for Tesh's 3 year post op appointment. Nerves struck me as the time grew closer to find out if her head was still good or if she'd have to have another head surgery.

For those that don't know, Tesh was diagnosed with Sagittal Synostosis at 2 months old, a fusion of the cranial sutures. This abnormally early fusion happens typically in utero, so she was born this way, it just took us 2 months to figure it out. Other parents/doctors have waited years to figure it out, so we are blessed to have the doctors that we have.

So on the way to the hospital, I'm preparing my 4 year old for this appt. knowing that she practically hates most, if not all, strangers and we were about to encounter many strangers. As we would arrive to places, she kept the mantra up, "I don't want to go to the doctor!"

After the eventful xray was taken, where 3 people had to hold her down in order to get "I guess that will work" shots of her head, each stranger seemed a little less abrasive. Of course, it involved me taking my temperature in front of her and so forth.

The appointment went well. The xrays looked good and by the time we saw Dr. M (her neurosurgeon), she was ready to be a little more cooperative. Phew!

Clean bill of health! I was relieved! Dr. M explained how her skull was healing, that it was "fingering" back together, but that was ok.

Tesh was skipping as we left the doctors office, finally getting the permission to "go back home!"

Thank you God for Your mercy!

Me trying to calm her fears. 

All done! We get to go back home!

Tesh thought is was funny that the picture had no hair.
You can see the top where it's darkened, meaning there's still that "gel" and not hard fused bone. 

The mass above her head would be the tech's hand, holding her head...
but right underneath his hand you can see certain white spots. That's where the "fingering" healing is happening.

Daddy, Mommy, and Tesh 3 years ago... Pre surgery

All of us now! 3 years Post Op!
Wow... I haven't changed a bit! My husband sure has though... :) 

Today Marks 7 Years

I was up at 4am.

As I nursed Ruth I couldn't help but go back to all the memories of "that" morning... 7 years ago, today.

Sarah was stuck on her 4am feeding. I was trying to get her unstuck by letting her go back to sleep when she awoke at that time. She had gone several days without waking for that 4am feeding finally, but that morning... I'll never forget. She woke up at that 4am time, fussed a little and then went back to sleep. She didn't wake up again til 8am. (which was her normal morning feeding time) The last time I nursed her was at 11am when we arrived at Mom's house.

As I went through the days events, I laid there so early this morning, gladly, almost smiling over the fact that Ruth woke up at 4am to nurse. Of course, tears fell. But it was like I was able to do the thing I wished I had done that day. Once more. Last baby. Getting through this time, what a way to start the day.

It's been a mix of emotions because on one hand, I want to give myself up to it and just bawl my eyes out. But then on the other hand, I want to be numb to it. Hold it together and just get through. I'm not ashamed of my tears, I'm exhausted of my tears.

What do we do on days like today?

Whatever we want.

We work on whatever project we want to. We'll relax whenever we want. We basically let our hearts lead in the process. If we feel like doing something in particular we'll do it. I don't like running into people, so we'll steer clear of certain places.

Just trying to enjoy the blessings I have. A husband that loves me so much and 5 other children to take care of.

ALL my babies... Tesh, not so thrilled... 

Triggers

Like a snake, lurking around the corner waiting to attack, so is my apprehension about the coming week.

Every year it never fails, always pales... Christmas.

The garland I hung in October is already looking like clutter to me... 12 days before the holiday it celebrates.

Without thinking, my husband tells me, "maybe on the 17th we can bake cookies and have some family time."

...bake cookies... on the 17th...

That's what I was doing. That day. 7 years ago. When she slipped away from me, so silently.

The natural stresses of the holiday make it worse. The hustle and bustle was never my thing. And my grieving heart simply wants to be alone in calm.

Anything extra added to the plate, only feels that much more overwhelming.

Overwhelmed, I am.

"When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Psalm 61:2

I saw a post on facebook today that said, "Healing rain.... wash over me!!"

That voice is not alone. Made me think of a song I clung to during those raw moments. It's one I still run to in times like this. As I listen to the words and the music, I can see myself lying down. Floating in calm waters underneath gloomy grey skies. My hair all spread out like a crown. I can feel the cool water underneath me and then slowly, drops of rain kiss my face.

I will be alright. Just having a bad day.



Side note: (for those who are wondering)
Ruth is doing well. She'll still nurse, even though I have to give her bottles also. I embrace that as my blessing.