Triggers

Like a snake, lurking around the corner waiting to attack, so is my apprehension about the coming week.

Every year it never fails, always pales... Christmas.

The garland I hung in October is already looking like clutter to me... 12 days before the holiday it celebrates.

Without thinking, my husband tells me, "maybe on the 17th we can bake cookies and have some family time."

...bake cookies... on the 17th...

That's what I was doing. That day. 7 years ago. When she slipped away from me, so silently.

The natural stresses of the holiday make it worse. The hustle and bustle was never my thing. And my grieving heart simply wants to be alone in calm.

Anything extra added to the plate, only feels that much more overwhelming.

Overwhelmed, I am.

"When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Psalm 61:2

I saw a post on facebook today that said, "Healing rain.... wash over me!!"

That voice is not alone. Made me think of a song I clung to during those raw moments. It's one I still run to in times like this. As I listen to the words and the music, I can see myself lying down. Floating in calm waters underneath gloomy grey skies. My hair all spread out like a crown. I can feel the cool water underneath me and then slowly, drops of rain kiss my face.

I will be alright. Just having a bad day.



Side note: (for those who are wondering)
Ruth is doing well. She'll still nurse, even though I have to give her bottles also. I embrace that as my blessing.