My Own "Sacred Scared"

Me: just rolled out of bed. Day 3 in that shirt for this momma.  

I'm going to jump on a bandwagon here and share my "sacred scared". I was reading the "Momastery" blog the other day, catching a small series starting, about women sharing their "sacred scared". The way Glennon describes this is: "Our sacred scared is our deepest fear- the one we hide because we think that if anyone knew about it they wouldn’t love us anymore. What we find when we share our sacred scared is that it’s the very thing we should be sharing more. Because our sacred scared is the key that unlocks our humanity. When we share it, people love us more because we’ve given them permission to love themselves more. Sharing our sacred scared is like handing a world full of messy, waiting people an invitation to show up as they are". - See more at: http://momastery.com/blog/2014/02/18/sacred-scared/#sthash.8RJxypWm.dpuf

This topic has peeked my interest because I pride myself on most of my brutal honesty. So I thought I might share my own "sacred scared" on here, to honor all the honesty that is circling around this series (that you can start reading here on her blog). I so agree with Glennon that this kind of honesty is what brings humanity together. I believe sharing these things makes fellowship that much richer, bringing the Church together in a real way, like it's supposed to. We are kidding ourselves that there are humans out there that "have it all together". That thought process creates unnecessary division between people.

So.... if you'll hold my hair back while I puke some of my guts out, I'd most appreciate it. Here it goes....

My "sacred scared" is:

I'm not good enough. 

This fear leaks into my insecurities about my own salvation. I can't tell you how much it terrifies me to think that one day when I'm standing before God, He'll say to me, "I never knew you." I've pretty much been this way my whole young adult life and counting. I had a friend once tell me that when she first dove into Calvinism, she felt so special that she was "chosen", that she was pre-destined-ly chosen. I confessed to her, that very fact made me feel just the opposite. It made me feel that if I questioned my own place, then I must NOT be "pre-destined-ly chosen". (one of the many reasons that I wrestle with Calvinism) I can't tell you how many times my husband has tried to talk me off of this ledge. It's like cotton-mouth, where you drink and drink and still, you are thirsty. Could probably be considered an obsession.

Why do I feel this way about myself? I can't quite peg it.
Maybe it's because I struggle with depression that makes my knee jerk reaction to everything so pessimistic (oh, I'm sorry, I mean so realistic, right?).
Maybe it's because I don't particularly like being out and around a bunch of people.
Maybe it's that I can be a bitter person that makes my heart hate.
Or that I'm calloused by trials that makes my tongue so naturally ruthless.
Or the fact that I'm plain tired all the time and have to make a conscious effort to play with my kids.

Probably all of the above. It's these very flaws about me that make me feel like I must not be good enough. That I don't love enough. That I'm not "saved" enough.

The only way I ever feel better about this, is that it's my very honesty, it's my very struggle with this "good enough-ness" that must make Him love me that much more, right? Of course after He's done a "smack my head" gesture. Truth is, I'm really NOT good enough.

But no one is.

Have a great day!