Torn between Two Worlds

Torn between two worlds.
This earthly world, full of love and hurt, family, my children, and my husband      ~verses~
             A spiritual world, full of Love and Discipline, family, my siblings, and my Bridegroom

Which am I supposed to live? Do they co-exist? How? How do I place my value in the second, but live in the first?

It just seems that God's given us this window to look through, to get a glimpse of what it will be like when we finally get to be with Him. But there's a problem I've been struggling with.

It's just a window. This window is old, the glass is warped, the frame is cracked, and the paint on the frame is mostly worn off. This window is my Ketubah.

In Jewish culture, to my understanding, a ketubah is a marriage contract. In this contract it states the price of the bride, the right of the bride, and the promise of the groom. I find it most interesting that the life cycles of us human's traditions is how Jesus identifies with us and ultimately... how He steals our hearts away. Some would say that the Ketubah for us today, spiritually speaking, is our bible. I would agree. The picture I paint above with the window is my worn marked up earthly bible showing me spiritual Truths. Truths of who He is, Truth of who I am, and Truth of His promise to me when we are finally able to be together. The very pages made of paper from my bible suffer as much wear as I do, just from age alone.

It's no secret here, that I've seen very dark days these passed several months. I think it's safe for me to say that I've been oppressed for about a year. I was suffering. My kids were healthy, my husband was working a job where he is very loved, and I was suffering greatly, inside myself. Guilt gripped me for this. I would look at other's situations and try and find that thankfulness that it wasn't me in those situations. (God knows I've had my share of it)

When there is internal grief, it comes with a promise that it will surface, and will surprise you as to how it surfaces.

I was in my own little world, my own cage of oppression feeling so worthless, unvalued, and I couldn't understand why. I starting failing at almost everything I attempted to do, or so it seemed, but I couldn't shake it. Why?

It wasn't until I saw the outward effects of my husband failing, that I opened my eyes. I was spiritually, mentally asleep and I felt hands on both my shoulders, violently shaking me awake. My first impulse, like anyone being awakened in this manner, is either to scream or to punch.... I punched. I woke up angry and ready to fight. Much to my shame, my poor husband could not dodge my fighting either. I was angry. I was angry at his depression because of what it was doing to the whole household and he wasn't getting the help he needed. My only act of kindness to him was setting him up with people I trusted to take care of him. I'm not proud of how I was acting and I was still catching my breath from being woken like that. (and to be honest... still learning how to breathe again)

As time passed.... (a week?) a started to calm down. As I calmed down, things became clear to me.
My husband's depression took him from me. I would talk to him about my depression and he would listen, but didn't know how to respond to me. (him being a natural counselor, this was out of his character) Because he shut the world off, and in consequence, shut me off.... I instantly felt that he didn't love me, value me, hold me as precious.. none of these things. My corner (my cage of oppression) was created because of these very emotions. I had put so much stock into how he saw me or how he held me that if I felt he didn't love me, I instantly felt I was sure I was unloved. (not just by him, but by everyone, including God Himself)

I couldn't understand why God has us go through these motions... of getting married, being one with another human being, birthing babies, and having those babies walk around the earth with a piece of our hearts... when nothing of this world is permanent. When I die, I'm not going to be married, or a mother.... and yet, I'm giving my life for such things, and am commanded to do so. For what?!

I would hold my Ketubah and see only the frame.... and thought... 'If only I could break the frame, will this world go away? and let me be permanently on the other side?'

Then my Bridegroom whispered in my ear.... 'you must find your value in Me alone.'

I have been learning things about myself. I'm obsessed with my husband. :) Partly in a good way, but I take it to the extreme. I hang on his thoughts and feelings of me. I know he loves me very much, and I know he'd die for me and this family we've created together. But I can not hang my value on his value of me. Because ultimately, I'm not his bride. I am his earthly bride, but in the end, the Beloved that waits for me is not him.

I MUST find my value in my Beloved. God has commanded me to be wife to this man, and mother to these children, but I must find my value in Him.

I'm also learning what my Beloved's love looks like here on earth. When my husband loves me, or my children, that is His love shown to me. For another example, my singing... I use it for Him, but He is the true Giver of my voice in the first place, it was His gift to me, that is His love shown. I'm seeing so much more clearly now...

I'm still learning my value in Him, and I think that may even be a life long process. I need to read my Ketubah with an accepting heart that these promises, this sacrifice was for me, as well as the world. And that even though my husband may not always see me...... my Beloved, faithfully, always will.

Maybe for you it's also a spouse, maybe not. Maybe it's a father, or a mother that has made claim to your value in this world.

My husband is still learning the roots of his own depression, and his eyes have lifted as well. He sees me and that makes my heart swell and that burned my "corner" to the ground. I know I must tread carefully, because he won't always be there to do that. We are working on "us" again, bringing us back towards each other.

photo taken by Aimee Wells


.

May you learn with me our true value, that there is a Beloved waiting for us, preparing for us, who has created us, and died for us. A Beloved that is not done with us, who perfects us with discipline, and loves us with fellowship. And that it is He who has already defined us as His bride.

O Christmas Tree

It's been a tough couple of weeks. Lots has happened and I can't wait to share it with you. However, I'm still trying to find the words to explain myself... which can be very difficult at times... If only you could get inside my head.... you'd probably go crazy. heh.... anywho.

Before I post my story of my new-found wide-eyed-ness, I feel I need to let some time pass, namely, >Get this week over< because it's been one emotional roller coaster with it being Sarah's anniversary of her death. It has been 6 years now on December 17th. And Christmas hasn't necessarily gotten brighter for me. So... to give you my latest work....here's a poem, not in song form, but a poem from my sore heart. 

O Christmas Tree   

O Christmas tree

Why my memory

Faithfully reminds me

Of her

My sadness sweeps

My mind it sleeps

As I lie on my back

And stare

Tell me why

I can not die

Be it the most seemingly

Of graces?

For as long as there’s breath

Must I fight for my death?

O Christmas tree

O how you sting

How I long for the Savior

Shall I shame my behavior

Of longing for Him to

Return?

I love you, says He

Wait for Me, says He

But I can hardly breathe

Say I

Say He, you stubborn woman

I made you better than this

I know what you've done

To Me

But I want you close

I won’t give up hope

That you’ll come for My hand

In the end. 

                        ~kailan

Claiming Church and Miracles~

I wanted to give an update about my Uncle and how he's doing.

He is doing great!

By the grace and mercy and healing of God, he is doing well.

The doctors took several different tests as he sat in the ICU (for 3 days), and they all would come back negative with nothing wrong.

The nurses told him that patients aren't ever able to just walk out of the ICU to go home. ... and he did.

My uncle nearly lost his life a couple times that Saturday day. He wasn't able to stay conscious. He would stop breathing. His body temperature got very low. He was hardly able to walk when he was conscious.

I was preparing to lose him that day. and I didn't.

How?

Uncle's words exactly: "God is so good. Praise God I was healed. My faith has grown more than I thought it could. Praise Jesus."


A few months ago, some friends and I were doing a study on Acts and it would talk about healings, and we would be slightly stumped. We knew it was true, but we wondered why we didn't really see it today. Was it our unbelief?

I, personally, have watched so many of my close loved ones die. People that did believe in miracles, but God must have had different plans for them. After all, my father being one of them, died well, making an even bigger proclamation of God's existence and His power, even in the face of death. However, talking about miracles was a bit of a sore subject for me, having lost my father and then my daughter.

" a time to give birth and time to die." (Ecclesiastes 3)

I am claiming this miracle with my Uncle. There were so many witnesses to this, that you can't deny it. People saw him when he was apparently dying. People saw him in transition. People see him now, living to tell to the tale.

The very people that first found him, face down on the ground, also witnessed him standing at their door, just days later;  living, breathing, saying "thank you" for their love, prayers, and service.

There were so many people involved from different places. Different denominations. Different church buildings. Different families. Different upbringings. Different towns. Different living situations. with their own different gifts, with their own different weaknesses.

Those differences are exactly my point. When those differences collide into one mind, into one prayer, into one praise.... true church happens.

I feel so blessed to have been able to witness this, and, the truth be told, I witness it every single time the dread of a trial comes to our family. Because what happens is; one mind, one prayer, one praise.

Acts 2:46-47a "And day by day continuing with one mind in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they were taking their meals together with gladness and sincerity of heart, praising God, and having favor with all the people."

True church, people.

Not only did Uncle receive healing physically, but he is being healed emotionally. As well as others, like myself, that are receiving healing from this event. Sorry, you had to take the bullet Uncle.... but thank you :)



May you find the true church whenever your family and friends are together, in the name of Jesus. May you find the love of Jesus, in the arms of people that love you, in the service of people that are sincere, in the little hands that reach to you to pick them up, in the "voices of old" teaching wisdom, in the laughter of gladness and silly-ness, all the way to the tears of pain and grief. May you open your eyes to the church that is living and breathing around you, day after day.

Praise be to God!

An Element of Healing

I received a call from a friend that I've known since I was little. Her phone call caught me by surprise. It was dinner hour on a saturday night, Josh and I were getting ready for a wedding, as the kids excitedly bounced around the house because they were going to Grandma's house soon.

My friend was explaining to me that they found my uncle face down in the cemetery, next to his daughter's grave, which was close to my daughter's and Dad's grave.

They had all just gotten home and her family's house was right next to the cemetery, overlooking it all. I've known this family to make it their ministry to keep a loving watch on the place, giving people their privacy, but lending water and support for those seem to be struggling for long periods of time.

My friend was telling me that my uncle became conscious as her dad came to him trying to wake him, he yelled to her to bring a chair, and so she did. Studying to be a nurse, she was able to check his heart rate, and even was able to check his blood sugar which all seemed oddly fine. My uncle, although his head hurt badly, refused them calling the ambulance, (big surprise.. not) and so they insisted he call someone to come get him. He got ahold of his 17 year old grandson, who he's raised as a son (along with his 2 brothers) ever since his daughter died, 7 years ago. Along with his cousin, his grandson (my cousin) drove him, heading towards the hospital with strict instructions to do so.

After this phone conversation, I was so thankful that she called, and I burst into tears while Josh held me. My uncle has been unhealthy and it was a miracle he was still living as long as he was. I called my mom right away (for it was her brother), who had just heard about it too, from both this family that found him and my sister, who is the wife of a police man that was working and heard about it. It was unanimous that I was going to the hospital, and not to a wedding.

Later, as we were putting puzzle pieces together, we found that when my cousin drove my uncle toward the hospital, my uncle stopped breathing again and went unconscious. My cousin got off the interstate, pulled over. He (and a cousin who was with him) pulled my uncle out of the car, and he started CPR. They called 911 and the paramedics intubated him and took him to the hospital, where we were all waiting impatiently for him to arrive.

When we first arrived to the hospital, I gave another uncle of mine a huge hug. He looked so good for having had a stroke not even a week ago. I squeezed him, taking his warmth in, not knowing what to think about these events. (my mother is one of 5 children in her family) Memories were flooding my head of my childhood, of my uncle who was now fighting for his life, of when he was in his prime, charismatic-ly singing his praise songs, always joking around, bringing a zest to the room with his presence.

We were able to finally see my uncle waiting in triage. He was laying flat, sedated, on a respirator, covered in a heating blanket because his body temperature was low. The body temperature thing actually made me feel a little better for I know that if there's an internal issue, your temperature will spike before you die. If you die, once you are cold because the life is out of you, there is no bringing you back. And my uncle was still alive. The question was... is he going to get better or worse... tonight? tomorrow? No one knew anything.

The nurse told us there was a great possibility that he could hear us, even though he couldn't respond. Several family members were there and we decided to pray over him. As we prayed, he gave us his first response by squeezing his wife's hand, although it was weak, it was encouraging.

As the room of family kept conversation, I would find myself back over to him, standing there, staring at his face, afraid to touch him. I kept hearing a whisper in my head, "sing to him. sing to him." My hesitation put this weight on my chest. But there was a moment when everyone stepped outside the room, out into the waiting area to call people, or get drinks. That left my niece and I alone with him. God paved a moment for me to sing to him in peace.

When my dad was very sick and close to the end, with his weak dying breaths we once sang, "Purify My Heart". I could hear my dad's voice, that song came to my mind, so I started singing. I sang a few songs to him at that moment, being left in peace. I came to a certain song that sang,

"Bless the Lord, oh my soul, oh my soul, worship His holy name. Sing like never before, oh my soul, worship His holy name."

As I sang that song, my uncle's head tilted towards me, ever so slightly. It made me smile, knowing that he could hear me.

I finished singing the last song as everyone was starting to pile back into the room. When the doctor came into the room, he yelled his name, rustling my uncle up a bit, and he responded very well, wiggling fingers and toes, looking up at him for a second. A sigh of relief went through the room. I said, "He obeyed! That's good on 2 different levels! He's responding, and he obeyed instructions!" the truth of that joke was all too funny.

Waiting longer, the doctors finally moved my uncle to a room in the ICU. With tests all coming back normal, we were at a loss at to what to expect.

It was getting later and later into the night, family was going home to rest, leaving my aunt (his wife), my mom, my cousin, and me. The nurses decided it was time to see if he'd be able to breath on his own, so they brought him out of the sedation, and lowered the power of the ventilator. My cousin and my mom were at either side, holding his hands. I was standing close to the foot of his bed, and he was looking around with weak tired eyes as we all waited for him to breathe. Mom suggested I sing to him again, my cousin agreed, so I started singing "Purify my Heart" again. (just in case he missed it the first time) With my mom and cousin's eyes on him, my eyes were on his breathing monitor. We needed that number to be between 12 and 30 for normal. So as I sang the first song, his breathing went up to 20, but it was sporadic so I slowed my singing in hopes to calm him a little, but was glad that he was doing so well. When the song was done, his number went down to a 12. (which was still ok) Then I started singing "Amazing Grace" per request of my mother. I started singing and it relaxed him so much. I watched that number 12 as I sang those soft verses, move..... 12... 13... 12... 11... 10... 9... 8...   I stopped singing, and told him to breathe, he did and I saw that number 12 again and so I hesitantly started singing again.... and again... 12... 11... 10... 9... 8... 6... I stopped singing, and told him, "I'm not going to continue singing if you don't breathe, now breathe!" He looked at me, and started breathing again.... with even more hesitation, I didn't want to continue singing at this point... It felt like I was singing him to his death. Before I started singing again, he started to gag on his tube, and his body started to panic. We all tried to get him to calm down, but our efforts only could do so much. He wanted to talk to us, but couldn't. The nurse suggested we leave the room to let him concentrate on his own, we painfully obeyed this instruction and started to leave the room. I kissed him on his forehead and held his hand, telling him "I'll finish the song later. I love you." He gripped on to my hand, and gave me panicked eyes. I knew he didn't want us to leave. My mom said "see you later, buddy" and motioned me to follow her. I couldn't.. I literally couldn't... his grip on me was so tight, I literally could not get out of his grasp. I had to her come to me and told her about what he was doing.

"Let her go, buddy. You have to let her go. We'll be right back." He was panicking, trying to talk with no sound coming out of his mouth. Mom could see I was making little progress with getting my hand out of his. "Don't do this, buddy, you need to let her go. We'll be right back, we promise." My aunt came to the bed, trying to help the effort, but my uncle was relentless. His grip was incredibly, surprisingly strong.

Finally, slowly, but surely, I was able to free my hand. My aunt took over as I left the room quickly, and I broke down. To leave someone who is silently shouting to you to stay, took all of my self control to know that the nurse may be right to have us leave. He needed to do this on his own.

After failing that test, they sedated him again to let him sleep. He wasn't breathing on his own, and had 4 apnea episodes during that short time, it wasn't safe to take him off the ventilator just yet. We all decided to go home, get some rest, and come back in the morning.

Late in the morning, I arrived to find my cousin sitting next to him. My other uncle had been there and gone, and my mom was coming soon. Uncle was asleep and calm, and my cousin was telling me that he failed another breathing test earlier that morning. I sat next to Uncle and I noticed a chain bracelet on his arm. I gently examined it, trying not to wake him, and before I knew it, his eyes opened and he caught me. Uncle automatically was trying to say something to me, but I couldn't make it out. He started gagging, trying to cough. His wrists were strapped to the bed. I was holding his hand, watching helplessly. I looked to my cousin and he started trying to calm him down. I found myself praying out loud for him to be calmed. I noticed phlegm coming out of his mouth so my cousin ran to the nurse. She came in to suction him out and that was painful to watch as he writhed in pain and panic. He lipped the words, ' I can't breathe'. I relayed that to the nurse, and she explained to him that she's essentially sucking the air out of his lungs when she sucks any fluid out. When she was done, he calmed down.

He remained awake though, as we sat on either side of him. He motioned he wanted to write. Genius! I, being the writer I am, had plenty of paper and pens in my purse, so I quickly got them out and held them to him and he wrote messages to us. "What is today?" "Fountain of Life" (his church) "Pastor" "in my phone" "he needs to be here now!" "tube is hurting BAD" I explained to him why he needed it in right now.   "take out, hurry" "how is (grandson)"

Totally relieved to be able to help him more, mom came, and we tried to hunt down his pastor. Uncle kept gagging and panicking and it was torture to watch this grown man being tortured as we waited for the doctors to help him. The nurse told us to stop letting him write and to have him rest. As we were preparing to leave him for a little bit to let him rest, he once again, with all his might, wanted us to stay. This time he was clenched to my cousin. I left the room, and found my mother soon after me, breaking down into helpless tears.

After some settling, I get a call from my Uncle Ed (my dad's brother). He has impeccable timing. He didn't know about any of this, so as the story unfolded, his encouragement was the water I needed to continue.

After that phone call, I ran into an old highschool friend who was visiting his dad who was dying of cancer. He was there, to say good-bye. I was able to relate to him, and his pain. Coincidence? .... No ...  God was using me and placing me right where he wanted me.

After that, I went to check on Uncle again, finding my cousin still sitting quietly with him, Uncle was sedated slightly again and calm. When he opened his eyes, starting to gag again, I told him quickly that his pastor was on his way. (I had finally found him) Uncle was able to calm down and the waiting game continued as we watched him sleep, then gag, then sleep... and so on. He failed another painful breathing test, and had little hope of what was to happen. He wrote the message, "I CAN" "I can"

My aunt showed up with the pastor beside her. The pastor held his hand and after a few minutes of watching him, began to pray. He laid his hands on him, claiming the healing power of God, he claimed God's breath of life as he laid his full hand on his chest. He would repeat, "in Jesus name, in Jesus name, in Jesus name" You could see that Uncle was praying with him.

The doctor came in and said, "I think he's strong enough to breathe." He went on explaining more, but after that news, we all had smiles on our faces, and Uncle's eyes, for the first time, were relieved, and he gave a thumbs up. He signed the numbers, "6... 3... 0..." I said them out loud while he was doing it, and the pastor interpreted... "6:30 service tonight! Alright!" Uncle gave another thumbs up, and we left the room while the doctors took the tubes out.

Entering in that room again, with Uncle's smile as big as an old man's tired smile could be, he told us all he could remember. He was mad that the nurse didn't let me continue singing the night before, he told us of the "nice family that brought a chair for him in the cemetery and water, and they were sooo kind. God bless them." He showed his gladness for me to be able to "read him" as well as I had. He was so grateful for all the faithful family that was there and for all the prayers that we sent his way.

Now that he had his voice, we all felt better to let him rest. I sat in the waiting area, finally relieved for him, and another cousin sat beside me and asked how I was doing. I told her that a part of me wants to know when this constant trial of events for our family will end, but that the other part of me felt like I was once again, "in my element." and it felt good.

I felt free of my depression at that moment, and I felt useful again. In a confidence, because of my own trauma, I was useful in another's trauma. This is my family, whom I love, and I was doing God's work by "being with them".

I've said it before in this blog and I'll say it again.

Serving in the way that you were created to serve is a powerful element of healing. 

2 Corinthians 1: 3-7
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. But if we are afflicted, it is for our comfort and salvation; or if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which is effective in the patient enduring of the same suffering which we also suffer; and our hope for you is firmly grounded, knowing that as you are sharers of our sufferings, so also you are sharers of our comfort."

To Whither Waves

wow... I haven't written in a while. I guess, I've gone longer before. I'm sure a slim few of you are wondering why I haven't written in a while... well... there's 2 reasons....

1. I'm gonna tell you a secret... I'm writing elsewhere.... :) I'm not very far into it, but I'm finally starting to write a book. a life long dream of mine, coming into reality as I type away about my life. I'm taking my experiences of all my trials and triumphs and putting them into a possibly 3 part book, "making the intangible tangible" (my interesting key phrase there). I don't know when it'll be done, but as I write into that book, it takes away from this blog, so forgive me, and thanks for your patience.

2. Aside of the fact that I'm writing elsewhere, there's a reason I'm not that far into it. I can't write about past experiences when I'm in my corner of depression, which has been coming in huge periodic waves the last few months. My corner leaves no room for concentration, which is vital for book writing.

It seems I have forgotten how to cope with stress. Stress has been a part of my life for a long time. (as you know, if you know me or have read through my blog) There are stressors I'm dealing with, insecurities that torment me, and my corner won't quit beckoning me. A friend pointed out to me that my corner is more like a cage, and I feel like I can't get out, even though the door is open. He is right.

My corner has a demon that lies to me, telling me my friends do not love me. It tells me how worthless I am, how useless I am. It makes me feel as if God has turned His back from me. I hate my corner even though I run to it. It comforts by torture, like begging to be whipped so it can end your guilt. But it never goes away.

I still feel the Spirit at work in me, giving me warnings, using me to help others, but then still.....
Just like the Jews in the old testament kept forgetting about God and worshiping idols, so I forget and run to my corner, my cage, ...listening to the lies.

I do not write these things to boast for some twisted entertainment,  I am quite ashamed of this. This is not me. This cage is not something of old, but has slyly shaped it's way into my quiet, isolated, introverted alone time that was meant for me to be with my King. It was meant to be my retreat, the place I go to rest and know that I am His. I know this angers Him more than it angers me. I'm being stolen and consenting to it.

I am in the middle of a battle ground.

I have a Sword. I have forgotten how to use it in these times. Why can't I remember to use it? Why am I forgetting?

As I have "played therapist" on myself..... I come to these conclusions. (huge thanks to my close friends that have put up with me through all this and have faithfully counseled me in love and great patience)

1. I'm crazy.....
   solution= (while patting myself on the head...) "That's ok. Everyone has a dose of crazy."
2. I'm being oppressed.... (observation from myself, however confirmed by some friends)
   solution= "use my God-given voice to speak out Truth, making any demon flee, keeping my focus on my Beloved, who is my real target."
3. I've noticed that when I started writing my book, writing more songs and continue to experience certain spiritual gifts that have been given me, the more I've been attacked.
   solution= "normal, to be expected... but not accepted." (I'll reiterate that now) I need to expect it, but not accept it. Why have I owned this dark corner? It was not made by someone who loves me, but by someone who wants to devour me. My Love did not shape this place for me, nor prepare it for me. I have been unfaithful. I have been seeking shelter underneath tissue paper. I have been holding the hand of a liar. I have been finding comfort in fire. I have been finding rest in the dragon's lair, as he waits for the right moment to bite. sounds a little like hell, doesn't it?

This trend needs to end. I need to find a way to calm these waves that send me running to my corner. I need to get back what was stolen. It will not be easy. It will be hard. very hard. I will need discipline. I will need prayer.

But most of all, I need to understand and embrace the Truth that God will not let me go. He will not give up on His bride. He is whispering my name and I hear His voice. Because He waits for me, I wait for Him. I am precious to Him and always will be, no matter what. I need to remember these things.

God, help me.


John 16:33 "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." 

No Bride is Worthless

Ah, yes, another birthday. I have cupcakes ready to make this morning in memory of a blonde hair, blue eyed little girl that should be running through my house, proclaiming that she is 6 years old today! The siblings are making birthday cards, in anticipation of folding them ever so tightly to stick into a helium balloon, all to let them go in the sky, heavenward, in hopes that Sarah will know that not only is she loved by her Creator, but that she is loved by us, here, still on earth.... with earthly sorrows, seeking out true human joy that one day, we will be with her in heaven.

A promise made by a King.

Not just any king. The King of kings, our Creator, Savior, our Bridegroom.

So many things have been running through my mind lately. I don't even know how to organize it all in one blog post... but as always, I'll do my best.

I've been thinking....
I wish I could go back to being myself.
What is myself?
How to reach my retreat.
Why am I having such a hard time feeling a self worth?
Why am I letting a situation define who I've been these past several months?
Truths about what true church is.
Resenting a lot of practice of modern churches.
Homeschooling my children.
How do I teach my children what the Scriptures say, and how to show love to people, no matter the different cultures and beliefs. .
True evangelism.
Missing my dad, how I wish I could pick at his brain right now.
Feeling for the first time, really, that I'm "fatherless". Something I've always been able to overcome in the past.
Missing old friends that I so wish I could talk to about all this.

All these things and more... have been wandering in the desert of my brain. Some of them, through reading and studying are coming clear. But there are some that I'm still chewing endlessly on. As if, I'm not to be chewing on them at all....

I like to think about things until I come to a resolve about it. If a new thought comes into my mind, I go into this hyper-drive, where I think and think, I go into my "moral warehouse", I study and read, and think some more. I don't stop until I've come to some kind of conclusion as to what I believe about that given subject.

All this to say.. I've been on this quest, this study. I've been swimming in books, including studying the Bible and what other theologians have to say about it. I've been in this deep thought process, that makes my "dark horse" side very visible, as soon as you bring these subjects up.

A part of me enjoys being in such a study mode. It brings my focus off this earthly form, into the spiritual realm, but that's where it gets tricky. Opening up these doors, always gives God the chance to truly speak to me and we become closer, but at the same time, it gives satan a chance to tempt me further into a spiral of worthlessness.

Let me bring you some of my thought process... these are, of course, only highlights... I could probably write many books on my explanations of how I got to these conclusions.. of course, there is a Book already written :)

My self worth. I quickly believe that I am worthless, and I don't know why I've become so gullible, but I know I need to stop thinking these things and hold to verses that I can cling to. I am of true value to Him, my Beloved. I need to remember our engagement, our communion. God has given me certain gifts that enable me to worship Him and show love to others. Those gifts are my retreats. I need to remember this as well.

Church. Fellow believers coming together to study together, pray together, play together, practice together, sing together, work together, support and encourage each other, hold each other accountable. These to me are the essentials. You can't take one out.
There is a modern mode, that seems to be creeping through America, that is taking away the play or being legalistic about it's practice, or legalistic about it's singing. Where there's little accountability, little support, if any at all. Where there's concern for numbers, instead of concern for the individual. Where pastors and leader are being used as crutches for parents and it's allowed. Where the exhaustion of ministry is about advertisement and events and programs, and not about staying up through the night with a family that just lost a their child, or about coming together to feed the family that is working so hard, but can't make ends meet, or sitting with the elderly that have been abandoned by their family, or sitting in that parking lot trying to convince a precious teenager that she is worth so much more and that she shouldn't commit suicide. This modern mode is expecting people to come to them, and it's not going out to the people that need the hope of Jesus and after showing them Jesus, inviting them to come and fellowship.

I could go on and on. Trust me.

I'm in the middle of reading this book called The Chosen. It's about 2 different kinds of Jewish families. I like reading articles and literature from the Jewish perspective cause they always seem to pick up on something that I didn't think about. I take them with a grain of salt because I am, after all, a Christian, but the culture and their practice is so fascinating to me. There is some stuff that isn't in our Bibles that they practice, that I'm careful to find, but when you look at the stuff that is in our same Bible, I'm convicted of my own practice. How we raise and teach our children. How we guard ourselves, our marriages, our friendships. I want to study the Bible like they study their Torah. I want to teach my children diligently, talk of the Scriptures, like they teach their children and talk of it and debate it out. Just because I am not a Jew, doesn't mean that we shouldn't learn from them. Any Christian should realize that our Christianity has strong Jewish backgrounds, whether you're a Jew or not. Their culture holds a certain key to deeper understanding what Jesus was talking about when he'd say certain things to the Jews, the very Words that we study for our own lives. For example: Communion. Some don't know this, but when Jews, (in that time, and possibly still practiced today, but I'm not sure) would agree to be married, basically a proposal, they'd take a cup of wine, and both would drink from it, sealing their engagement. They would be considered a husband and wife, except for the "physical aspect"(that doesn't happen until the end when the feast takes place). It was a seal of a commitment, a seal of a covenant. When Jesus spoke about our relationship, he would always use a bridegroom and a bride as an example. We are the bride. When He sat down with His disciples, He broke bread, for His earthly body was to be sacrificed and then dipped that sacrifice into the shared cup of wine to resemble the covenant between Him and them. He explained this covenant is for all who believe. He wanted us to do this, and to do it often, to remember that we are, through His sacrifice and by our agreement of drinking from such a cup, His betrothed. We are His bride, His beloved.

" I am my Beloved's and my Beloved is mine." Song of Solomon 6:3a

No bride is worthless.

May The Flamingos Pick Your Nose

I posted this poster on facebook this morning....

Although this is very true of me, in every aspect, I reread this and thought, 'where is that 2nd side these days? Haven't seen her in months!!' My depression has squashed my "fun and crazy side", making me go from quiet to an insane mess. Of course, I only unleash the insanity in the security of my home. ((big double blink with a ding))

How could you not love me, right?

I used to do weird things all the time, you know, like wearing the flamingo glasses up side down, making the heads point up my nose. Or when I walked around with a dart stuck to my forehead. Or when some friends and I would record crazy personalities on camera, looking completely ridiculous. (where are those videos?) How could you not love me, right? d:  I'm quirky and I'm proud of it.

But where did I lose her? (yes, I like talking about myself as if I have multiple personalities) Will I get her back? I see her from time to time, but never as regularly as it used to be.

I've been on this journey of finding my retreats, making peace with grace, seeking my value to Him, working out my health issues, and I'm also finding that I suck at sustainability. I've been slapped in the face, by nature, because apparently she doesn't like me enough to work with me. I'm working on that relationship, she's touchier and more stubborn than I am, I think.

I've been going in a down spiral like this:
Initial and prolonged stress (trauma from experiencing deaths of loved ones)
 >> is producing depression
>>is producing low immunity
>>is producing screwed up hormones, with frequent sicknesses/ headaches
>> is producing depression
>> so when added stress (like with what I've been dealing with recently) come into play
>>equals Kailan burning out and not able to function

That's my miserable side in a nut shell. I say "side" very strongly, cause I have a wonderful husband, and wonderful children, strong family and friends that I wouldn't trade for anything. I do consider myself blessed.

I am working on my health issues that include diet (gluten free :( yikes! Oh, bread, wherefore my bread?!) and I'm looking into things like essential oils too, so I'll let you know how all that goes all in good time. But stress is my biggest culprit and I need to learn how to deal with stress, before it engulfs me any further.

I used to call myself a "walking curse" (even recently) and I've decided to stop. I need to stop owning trials as if I'm cursed. I need to stop questioning God as to why He created me in the first place. I need to live in the Truth that I am here, by His will. I've been reading lots of C.S. Lewis as of late.

   "We are, not metaphorically but in very truth, a Divine work of art, something that God is making, and therefore something with which He will not be satisfied until it has a certain character."  C.S. Lewis, Problem of Pain

He also explains how when we desire for Him to leave us be, when it comes to the pain of trials and tests, that we are not asking for more love, we are asking for less.

  "The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell." CS Lewis

"Be careful what you wish for." takes on a deeper meaning when you read things like this.

I'm beginning to understand many other things that I've always thought of, but never was able to organize in my head. Which, of course, is leading me to deeper questions, but that's part of following Christ. It makes me miss my dad all the more, wishing I could prod at his brain for his thoughts and wisdom on such subjects. Thank God for patient friends!

Yes, this is a dark season for me, but hopefully soon, as promised, the dawn will find my face.

My latest chorus follows....

"As light of dawn finds my face,
whispers of Your love, for your beloved.
You shape my soul at Your pace,
whispers of Your love. Here I am.
 I am she. "

I Believe I Can Float.

I'm going to hit 3 different topics with this post. I'm going to attempt to keep them each short... ((unsure giggle)) ... I give you my best anyway. These topics have not much to do with one another, however, it's me, and this is only a GLIMPSE into my random mind, that I'm making sense for all of you. Did that sentence even make sense? It did to the ones that are like me, I'm sure. Anywho, moving on.


Number one:
Frugally Sustainable.
 As we've been learning more about this, some interesting things have been happening to us. Our basement apparently has a love/hate relationship with water. We can never seem to keep it dry down there. There's seepage after every heavy rain. And we've been recently trying to unclog our main drains down there, that have flooded up in our basement.... ew. As we were resolving some of said disgustingness, we were realizing our hot water heater is dripping. Seriously?! It seems it's one thing after another, all of the sudden. (don't even get me started on our van!) We have only so much to spend to try and fix all this, so we both decided, we're going to have to choose priorities and slowly get everything taken care of. My priority was not the hot water heater, so off it goes until it's turn on the list for a new one. We've been boiling water for all our hot water needs. It feels very poineerish, and it's really not so bad. Of course, it's HOT outside, so cold water is welcome right now anyway. It's made me appreciate water/ hot water, all the more. I have best friends in Africa that have to collect the rain water in huge towers beside their house, and THAT's their water supply for EVERYTHING! No "city water" for them. If they can manage, I'm sure can. 
If you want to be a huge target for satan to mess with your material items and learn more about how to live frugally then you can start here >> http://frugallysustainable.com/2011/11/23-day-frugal-living-challenge-join-us/ We're not very far into it, of course, but we're a working progress.


Number two:
Anger Management
If you've been reading my blog, you probably have noticed some posts about some "little" anger issues I have been having recently... I swear I feel bipolar when it comes to my emotions and circumstances that happen.
-I've gone from seeing the sun start to rise, to feeling worthless as it burns my skin.
-From hope of a fresh start, to history haunting me and taunting me. 
-From taking a breath of air, to quickly suffocating from sneaky hands that wrap their fingers around my neck.
-I've been fighting feelings of feeling like people around me (even good friends) are treating me like I'm a little girl that can't handle certain news. I've even been questioning who my real friends are. 
 My husband finally pegged it for me. (God love him) The deceiver has been reading scripture to me and I've been believing the lies that comes with how he preaches.
-The sun is rising, and my skin can burn.
-I'm capable of taking a first step, and capable of stumbling over the same stone I've already passed.
-I can breathe, and there are hands waiting to grab hold of me. 
-I have friends that are keeping things from me. 
These things are all "true". I'm not being gullible to lies. Then why do I have this need "to be done?" Is this it? Shall I eat worms now?
That's what he'd have me believe. There's more Truth that he purposefully won't nag me about. Where's the "more Truth" part? I'm finding it.
- The sun is rising, my skin can burn, but the One who made the sun is teaching me how to condition myself to it's strength. With every sun, comes a new challenge, a new purpose for what God has for me to do for Him. 
- I'm capable of taking a first step, capable of stumbling over that same stone, but because of Christ's blood cleansing me enabling the Holy Spirit to work through me, there is Power there that can guide and protect my steps. And no stone will stop Him. 
- I can breathe, there are hands waiting to smite me, but this body is merely a vessel on Earth, and I am a child of God that holds the power of Jesus' name over any true enemies. (demons)   It is God that gives me breath, not him. 
- I have friends. I have family. They need to get over trying not to upset me, however, they do it because they care about me. And God has blessed me with great friends, that have reminded me of that "more Truth" that I seem to forget sometimes.
I'm still a working progress, but I'm getting there.


Number three:  I saved my "not so much of a downer" shpeel for last.
I love my kids!
Naomi is getting so fat and beautiful. ok, I really didn't have any new information there. I thank God for my kids. Alright I love my biggest kid of all, my husband. You know, going through all this has definitely brought us together even more. It's given us a new set of challenges to face, but we know that together, with Christ at the center, we can overcome anything. I'm not saying that I haven't wanted to hurt him recently out of my irritability, (poor hubby) but he loves me so much, I'm not sure how, but that always wins me over, and makes me want to be that much closer to him. I absolutely LOVE our jam sessions in the morning and night. He'll play his guitar and I'll be on my ukulele and we'll play and sing until our fingers hurt. ... or until one of the "wingdings" needs our attention.
Genesis 1:31a  "And God saw all that He had made, and behold, it was very good."

Me and my other half. 

A New Leaf and Hay Fever

Wow.... I'm going to try and simplify all that I want to say cause, well... there's a lot.

Currently, our family has been seeking what God wants us to do for ministry next. As we were seeking this out, we were also "selling" our house, going to a church that's not "in town", and dreaming of maybe finding a church to minister with in ..hmm... maybe.. Colorado? (we live in Iowa)

I thought all this through one day and came to something that was so heavy, I couldn't wait to share it with my husband when I got home.

The answer became clear to me.... "Here"

Preface: We've been trying to sell our house (on and off for 5years) for reason of the fact that I don't like the city we live in, but also, its a 2 bedroom and we have 4 living and growing children. That makes 6 of us! To the average American, that's an "Oh my goodness! You guys NEED a bigger house!" That was our thinking too... until now. But for some reason, God was not moving us. We were stuck. We barely know our neighbors, I was rarely outdoors, or we were always gone, doing some church thing somewhere else. We have a good block, but the city is not my thing... I grew up in a small town. That's what I'm comfortable with.

I asked myself one day... Who are we trying to minister too? Why are we ministering? My answer? Hope. The Hope of Jesus. Whether you are a Christian or not, everyone needs hope to survive, and everyone wrestles with hope, especially if they normally have little to no money.

Ah, little to no money. Our family is labeled, "low income" family. For good reason, we make very little money, in our one income, no degree (yet) household. I'm not complaining, just trying to give you some insight to our present situation. We are living the typical low income life, living just within city limits life, mostly paycheck to paycheck.

We live in a community that is living the same way, the main difference is, Hope. We have Hope. Sometimes, we struggle with that even, but family (in the fullest sense of that word) are always there to lift us up because we are children of God. "God was not moving us." We need to be "here". We are in a huge community that need the Hope of Jesus, whether it be encouraging fellow Christians along the way, and allowing them to encourage us, or/also, it be people that have no hope, no Jesus in their lives. We need to tap into the community, we call ourselves stuck in, and re-frame our perspective into "this is the community God has trusted us with." "Here" is where our ministry lies.

We are living proof, by our income, and lifestyle, that even though life sucks a lot of the time, you can still live with hope and rise above this world. That there is more to life than status, income, and outward appearance. Then when we wake up in the morning, we don't have to carry weight that we can hand over to God. That we don't have to be controlled by "the man." That we can live frugally sustainable and be holy. That we can have fun as one BIG family of this community. We already have fun with our music, art, games, etc. within our house walls, why not go outside of our walls and share THAT love, THAT evangelism, THAT family fun that we were created to share. (True Church) Why keep looking outside of this community, that probably needs our ministry the most? We need to stay "Here".

After I puked all this up to Josh, we talked about maybe putting the words, "JUST KIDDING" on our "for sale" sign in the front yard, and give our neighbors a good last laugh.

Now, in order to successfully do this, we need to change some things. We need to keep learning to become as frugal and sustainable as possible. And when we do this, we'll be able to teach others and share what we've learned so they too can live, create, produce and cultivate the ground that God has given us. So although Josh and I have been living pretty frugal all our lives, we need to change our perspective of what it truly means to live frugal. We've learned that it does not always mean cheap. It does not mean we are deprived.

It truly means "to be content with what you already have." hmm. that sounds biblical! It also means to use what you have to it's fullest, not let things go to waste. Eat healthy, be healthy. Use your home and make it sustain your family and thrive, use your land and make it produce to it's full potential.

Now, we live on the East side of Des Moines. So our little lot may not produce as much as acreages would, however, it's what God has given us, and I believe He knows what He's doing. I'm not sure Josh and I would do so well having THAT much land anyway. We are content in having our small house. In fact, it's made our kids that much closer, not just in living quarters :) but also in their friendships. And of course, they don't get away with much cause I SEE EVERYTHING!!! MUAAHHHHAHAHAHHAA (evil laugh)

One of the main things we've heard about our home from others is how "real" it is. We take that as a compliment. It's not a mansion, it's the home we've made it into. We do love our home, and are continuing to fall in love with it the more we think about staying. We're planning ways to make it better sustain us. How to take care of our family frugally. It's not easy, it's work and sacrifice, but we know this is best for our family. We've learned a lot reading this blog (www.frugallysustainable.com) and we are so thankful to Andrea for sharing her wisdom. What a ministry she has! What freedom she's taught us! We want to do that, in this broken, hopeless world.

On another note: Praises to God, my Naomi is getting fat, and Isaiah finished his first year of "official" school. (whatever that means in homeschool language) ;) Tesh just passed her 2 year post op anniversary, and is beautiful and healthy. Eve has conquered her fear of water and has learned to swim without her wings, this summer! My garden (4th attempt) is growing a little, we'll see what kind of harvest we end up with. And the hubs is LOVED by his bosses, loves his job, and we can't wait to dive together into what God has in store for us in this community.

Living Life Fuller

As I write this, 2 of my best friends and their 4 children are flying over to Africa to serve as missionaries for 2 years.
I've recently posted pictures on facebook of the last time we spent together, and couldn't help but cry. I'm so very proud of them, they are doing one of the bravest things, I'm just going to miss them so much. I've prayed for their safety, but also for their opportunities that they'll embark.

Let me give you some history... well, the history that we have with them.

We met at youth group.... no, not our youth group, as youth group leaders. :)

(typical life as youth leaders) :P





 Being youth leaders comes with a territory. You have to be weird, not afraid to be silly or look stupid, and you have to let the inner child out. When you find fellow like minded youth leaders, they are like "gems". That's where Josh and I met Owen and Stephanie. Owen and I are the analytical ones, while Josh and Stephanie are free spirits. Owen brought sense to Josh, Josh made it easy for Owen to run around like a little boy with him. Stephanie and I were a fit with our similar mothering ways, of course, she is really good at calming me down when I need it. We are all a perfect match!

Their oldest little girl happens to be the same age as what our Sarah would've been. So it's been a gift to watch her grow up. Our Isaiah has proposed to their Larinda... yikes... totally supportive, just not until they are way older... :) Of course, I think their Gaby may be in competition with her older sister over this boy... we'll see. Eve loves playing with all those girls, as if she doesn't have enough sisters of her own...  Stephanie and I were pregnant together with Macy and Teshura. Then they finally had their boy, Omri, and I had yet another girl.. Naomi.

Their story? They knew eachother from when they were little. They married just a day or 2 before Prom. yes, that's highschool Prom.
 He was being deployed shortly after cause he was an IT for the military.

Owen would be the tallest one here.

 He did this for 4 years, until they decided to be missionaries. Obviously, there's a lot of details here, but here's the highlights. And here's their blog if you want to know more about what they do now. www.livinglifefuller.com

Owen is the white one. 

Owen is working as an IT, in Africa, through MAF. (Mission Aviation Fellowship) Stephanie will be the supportive wife as she's always been, learning to live in the East DRC of Africa, and showing God's love to whomever she comes across. It won't be hard for either of them to show God's love, but I won't say that this trip is going to be easy for them. I'm sure there will be trials. It's how you face each trial, what you make of it, and how you praise God coming out of it, that's what matters. My prayer is that they find God in people that will surround them, support them, and stand in that gap for them. They will probably come back home to us exhausted after being there for 2 years. But I'm imagining it will be a good exhausted.










They've been there for us through so much life. They've been there through our continued healing with losing Sarah. We were there when Owen had to be deployed again, and Stephanie was supported with friends and family. They were there when we had all the issues with Tesh. Our husbands are there for eachother, especially when they need it most. Stephanie and I can call talk about anything. Through the joys and trials of parenting. oh my... the list could go on.....

Both of our families :) 

Their fellowship is priceless to us. Both families in the ministry. Both families young with LOTS of kids. Both families love God and love eachother. My tears are sad for my own selfish reasons of missing them. However, I will never stand in their way cause they are about to do great things and I'm excited, with them,  to see how.

....as they live life fuller ;)

Deescalating Anger

I hate roller coasters. really. I'm deathly afraid of heights. I actually experience a little bit of vertigo when so high. I've been dragged on roller coasters when I was a lot younger, and knew I'd never get on them again. Been there, done that, not my motto for everything but I can say that for this.

This is not about roller coasters. Although it feels like we've been on one, and it's time to get. off.

I've been trying to find a way to write about my anger without saying names, places, etc. I wouldn't want to do that to them. So I'm going to try and keep my writings about myself, rather than the "other people" ... phew... I can see it already..<I'll get to that in a bit.

My name is kailan, and I have an anger problem.... (and a depression problem, but you already know that about me if you've read my other posts) uh.. I'm a mess... anywho. .. ehem....

I've been angry. I'm not talking about just disappointed, or irked. I'm talking REALLY really angry. The kind of angry that could get me into trouble. .... hey! not with the law, although... nevermind. anyway, more like getting me into trouble spiritually. God's pretty much scolded me on my behavior.

My actions haven't been so much the issue, it's more a heart issue. Do I feel wronged? Was I wronged? Heck yeah, buddy. I could tell you all about it, but I won't. That wouldn't be ladylike. and it wouldn't be bondservantish either... yes, I just made up a word. but you totally know what I mean, so I get away with it..:)

See? In my particular situation, I was wronged, the other party probably doesn't know about how they've wronged me or to what depths they've wronged me. I'm not sure the other party even likes me, I know they don't trust me. Which kind of hurts any friendship we may have had. So I remain with a painful relationship, no apologies, ..... ignorance has not been bliss..... but this is not my point in writing.

Even though I've gotten out of this wrong, for us, situation, I've been chewing on it ever since. Have you ever chewed on something so long that you are almost dreading swallowing it cause you're already gagging at the feeling of the mush in your mouth, and you know you're going to throw up if you keep it in there any longer??? Yeah.... I finally puked. It wasn't pretty. The ugly situation I was in, I was allowing it to make me ugly.

I didn't know what I wanted to happen. If he apologizes, I won't believe him. If he tries to befriend me now, I'll think it's out of pity or obligation. Do I just want him to know? How I feel? How he hurt me? How he's effected our family? or relationships? Do I hang on the solace of him knowing? Do I ought to cling to something like that? Is that right? I need resolve. How do I get through this anger with no resolve?.... something was eating away at me. something I was missing.

We've been visiting a couple different churches and I've been sitting in sermons that are just speaking to me. It's like God was making sure I was listening and getting what He was trying to tell me. First of all, I've gained perspective. The "Bigger" picture. You know... the kind of picture that shows me that one day I'm going to be standing in the face of God and none of this is going to matter. The kind of picture that shows me that one day I'll be standing beside this person, in fellowship together, worshiping God together in heaven. "Crap! He's my brother".... those words make me whine.....
(I know this is ugly, but honest)

As ignorant as he may or may not be, I am not. I know better. I know I need to forgive. When apologies are given they are for them to let go, not I. It's kind of like the respect thing. We respect people because that's what we are commanded to do, not because we deserve it. We deserve hell.... you do. I do. Jesus died and conquered that death, so we didn't have to. Do I deserve an apology? ... I deserve nothing...

(just a disclaimer on all this: this has been punching me in the stomach over and over, and it's taken months for me as I sat in my anger and finally come to all this.)

One pastor put it as so perfectly for me. It was like a final slap in the face. He said, "Sometimes our flesh may become offended by God." I literally ran that sentence over and over in my head. I was struggling so much with forgiveness. A forgiveness that I was being commanded to do. Something God was telling me to do and I wasn't doing it, because I felt he offended me too greatly. God was teaching me "the grace" lesson. Something my anal Law bound personality struggles with. And I was sticking my nose up, with my face turned away. ugly.... ugly... christian.... yeah..... that's me. And then I puked some more with the help of some close friends that didn't mind holding my hair back.

Then, one of my favorite pastors, said something that tied all these beatings together. (that's the only way I know how to describe it, cause this anger was so very painful, and it was taking painful truths to overcome it) He said, "Check your pride."

Man! There's that pride word again... How is it seriously prideful, when I've done nothing wrong, in fact I was the wronged one, and now I'm paying for it by getting sick and puking, and expecting him to.... to..... ??? Daaahhh! I don't even know how to explain it.... but all I knew is I was finally coming to the end of it...

My pride is holding onto a justice that isn't my call. My pride is fighting grace.

"Sometimes our flesh may be offended by God."

I'm learning some tough lessons. I feel like I have welts on my heart. But they will heal. Because the grace that I need to give him, is that very grace that I receive from God, that bleeds Love that produces grace because we are both equally that precious to Him.

That's a long sentence. Is that a run-on?

I feel better... I've missed Him.

the ultimate Provider!

I'm not even sure where to start. Let me back up a little bit.

Last Thursday, Naomi weighed in at 6 lbs. 2oz... not even her birth weight. I cried. Got depressed. I cried more. Got mastitis. Almost died. Cried more. Posted in my blog about it. and cried.

I've had a couple friends contact me since then. I have 2 different kinds of friends. The first kind are the ones who are sweet, they'd never say anything negative to you, they do nothing but encourage you, give you hugs, let you know that "everything is going to be alright." ...

...then there's the second kind. They are the ones that are still sweet, but they'll give me a kick in the pants if I need it. They hold me accountable and encourage me, they still hug me, and then send me out, with a swift shove to be on my way.

I love having both. It's like salt and pepper. :) Both kinds of friends have been contacting me especially since my last post on here. and I needed that. I have been feeling so encouraged. I hit a bottom this last weekend and I needed my friends to come alongside me, take my hand, and pull me out of my corner.

I have learned a few things about myself recently, things I need to work on.
A dear cousin said to me, after encouraging me to pray and claim Jesus' name for my healing and Naomi's health, she wrote to me, "don't let nursing become your god." As soon as I read that sentence, I could feel a little knife at my chest. I didn't think a sentence like that would gnaw at me. ..... ouch.

Then another mother, a newfound friend of mine, told me of her experience of having the similar supply issues.  She wrote to me saying,"I remember I had been praying so hard to be able to nurse and feeling so let down. But then God really touched me. I felt like He was saying that He would always provide for my babies and it wasn't up to me. I am so blessed to even have other options to feed my children, many don't have that. I think it was an area of pride for me, so God used this to make me more like Him."  (I underlined the part that struck me the most)

Pride? I was being prideful about it? ouch again. I know it's worth fighting for, but when the answer is clearly "NO" then it's a battle I must surrender to. Why is the answer no? I have no clue! All I know is that "no" is going to have to be ok with me. Can I birth babies naturally? yes. Can I feed babies naturally? no, not quite. It sucks.

I tell my kids, all the time, "No" and when they whine about it, and tell them, "Stop whining. You need to be ok with this" yikes.......

I was coming to all this before the appt. with the nurse practitioner to get Naomi weighed again.

First, (last Thursday) I got angry and decided to supplement her with a whole world of guilt and depression on my shoulders. Shortly after that, I had been mostly forced to surrender to full supplements because of my being sick. When I came out of that, I started willingly surrendering to it cause that's simply what she needed and I started letting go. Reading and hearing the words from my friends, I was encouraged to let God be God, and be stripped of my pride over this.

I am still nursing, somewhat, but she's mainly getting fed through the supplements.

It's been 5 days since her last weigh in. I was anxious, but somewhat confident that things would look pretty good. I read back in my posts about Tesh's FTT and at one point I had gotten her to gain 10 oz. in 2 days. I trusted the fact that I could do that again. ....

..... and I did and more! Naomi now weighs 7lbs. 5oz.! That's a whopping 19 oz. in 5 days people!! (and that was on an empty stomach too) It made the nurse and the nurse practitioner's eyes widen! :) I couldn't help but laugh.

Thank you Lord! You are Great and Merciful! You are the ultimate Provider. You are Strong. Forgive me for putting way too much stock in my ability to nurse her over Your ability to provide for her.

This is a broken world. But He has overcome it. (John 16:33)
"If then you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God." (Colossians 3:1-3)

Another Failure to Thrive...oh the dreaded words...

I've had a busy last few days, plummeting into another depression over how much my body is failing. Apparently, according to my own observation, my body can't carry babies past a certain weight, no matter if they are ready or not, AND my milk just won't keep up anymore, no matter what I do.

I have officially heard the words yesterday as my wonderful nurse was dropping off medicine to me cause I now have mastitis on top of all this. She is, indeed, failure to thrive. I looked it up online to see what her growth chart looked like and she is not on the chart at all. The midwife and nurse have been great advocates for my nursing and we've all been thinking of new things to try and get her to gain weight, but now it's coming to a point where we can't wait any longer to "try" things. She needs the weight on and needs it now. Her last weigh in was not good, as it was only 3oz. more than last time. When I saw this I knew I had to change things up and I wasn't going to like it. We've been introducing soy formula to help supplement and she seems to be doing well with it. (thank God, no intolerance)

 I didn't realize how bad she was, and those words are sounding all too familiar. After 24 hrs. of feeding her with lots of extra supplement, she was fussing while I was making breakfast for the kids yesterday. When I finally got to her, I noticed tears. I remember seeing tears when she cried when she was within 2 weeks old, but hadn't seem them in so long, and I realized.... "was she that dehydrated?" How could I have not seen it? I'm being honest here, I feel I have failed in so many things with her. I made her gaining weight such a priority that I was neglecting my other kids cause I always had her in my arms, and I still couldn't get her to gain. I don't blame my intentions or my heart in it, I blame my body. Josh and I have even had discussions about really being done having babies. Which, on one side, it makes me sad cause I'll never enjoy a normal healthy infant again (of my own anyway), but on the flip side, it's almost relieving to think about "being done" because I can't take this heart ache any longer. This makes 2 failure to thrive babies in a row. I was convincing myself that Tesh's issues were just a fluke and that this baby would be normal. Now I'm thinking maybe my body is trying to tell me something.

I can't even think straight on a spiritual level about all this, cause I could go in circles forever and then this post would be entirely too long. hm... free will.... God's will.... AHH!! anywho.

Last night was torture for me. I'm getting sinus sick, and I have extremely painful mastitis on top of it. My milk is low at the moment, so the supplements for Naomi are greater. I can't keep up with any of it. Thank GOD for husbands!! He's been such a trooper in all this. I was almost delirious last night because of all of it, feeling like I was going to die. Oxy moron: it was Good Friday. I even thought about it, in my misery, the way that Jesus must have felt and of course His situation was much worse than mine.

I found myself, this morning, reading some of my old posts on here about when Tesh was found failure to thrive and they put us in the hospital and the whole works. We're pretty sure there's nothing seriously wrong with Naomi so THANKFULLY we are still home because they did not do anything I can't do. I know the routine. Fortified calories formula.. and shove it all down their throat. I am bound and determined to get her fat! I've cried numerous tears over the possibilities that she may have to stop nursing, but reading my trails I left going through Tesh's issues with this, made me feel better. Her health is worth more than my need to nurse. Of course, I know breast milk is best.... yeah, but that's IF YOU HAVE IT!! That's where my problem lies. I can't even depend on Naomi nursing well enough to help me through the mastitis, so it's somewhat her fault too, I guess.

My nurse even had to ask me if I was ok. She noticed I wasn't being myself, and of course, one of her jobs is to watch me, as well as watch baby. I had to admit to her I wasn't ok. My emotions are hanging on Naomi's success. She's not doing well, and that depresses me. When she does well, I'll be ok. Of course, mind you, all this is amplified because of my history with losing Sarah, and dealing with Tesh's issues. And can't even talk about it without crying.

This Easter weekend has knocked me into a place of stopping. I have missed 2 services and probably will miss Sunday because of my being sick, and it's literally made me stop. Last night, especially, I couldn't even feed Naomi, I was so weak and in pain. Josh had to bottle feed her most of the night. I've definitely hit a bottom with all this. When I woke up, Tesh was cuddling with me, and couldn't help but look at her and think, "I didn't fail her. She IS here and healthy" Even Isaiah (my 7 yr. old) said to me, "It's ok Mom, for her to have formula. It's not like she's gonna die or anything." ..... oh dear.... leave it to him to say things like that.

 It'll be interesting what the near future holds, but it better involve a fat baby.

Optimistic?

I'm not very good at being optimistic, ...
however, today has felt great!
I think Naomi may be finally turning the corner here. She was weighed several days ago and has shown some progress. We are 4 oz. heavier. This is not the best, I know, but it's not bad either. There's still some quirky issues with her, but we are seeing some good differences in her. She's not looking so frail anymore. She's nursing a little better, getting fuller feedings in. (of course, I'm still supplementing a little after half of her feedings just to get more in her) She doesn't poop very often still but hopefully that'll change soon.
and she's sooooo close to smiling at me. I can see it in her eyes at times, that she wants to. I just hope Daddy doesn't get the first smile (as always)... he IS a goofy guy though, I'll give him that!

I just wanted to let everyone know I'm not as depressed as I've been lately. It's up and down for me. I still consider myself unstable, but things are getting better. We are in so many transitions right now, so it's all I can do to stay as level headed as possible.... ha..... anywho.
The hubs is in between 2 jobs right now. By day, he worked with special needs students and he loved it. Although he'll be working in the same field, he's signed onto a different place that cares for adults with special needs and starts "training" in 2 days. He's also resigned from his position as youth pastor and we had decided to go back to our "home" church to get recharged for the next place God will take us to. It's been nice to see old "family". :)

Why all these changes? God has been moving, providing, and guiding us. It's been so refreshing to be where God would have us right now. I know, we're still in transition, but that is where we must be needing to be right now. We are taking a step back to reflect, heal, grow, learn, recharge, reboot, and that is what is happening.

We are so grateful for our dedicated friends and family that have helped us through this transition. We have felt fellowship for all it's worth, being in this transition. The "body" of Christ has been holding us, and because of His touch, I know we will make it through all this chaos, and I'm reminded of the bigger purpose.

ps. some people have wondered some things and just to clarify.

 My bladder is ok. :)

AND Josh and I have been doing well together through all this. No ones perfect, but with every trial we face, we get closer and learn how to work together all the more. We keep looking at each other, saying, "No one can touch this!" haha. Is it ok to be boastful about our good marriage? Naw, I adore Yesh, and I KNOW he ADORES me. :) We're not perfect.... we've had our issues to work through, but honestly? with all the crap we've been through? It's a make or make better for us. Our favorite is choosing the latter. :) ("make or break" in marriage is not in my vocabulary)

Remembering a Victory- PICTURES!!

couldn't have had better timing...

Naomi- one month old

My struggles with depression are almost inevitable. My last post was an honest raw poem that's been eating away at me. I always fall back to that dark place, but the light through the cracks in the door always seem to catch my face.

My husband and I went to a concert recently with some dear friends, and I was reminded of the beauty Light truly is. The music was moving my soul and their words were whispering in my ears, "We got your back." "This is not the end" I left there feeling better about my situation. but then all it takes is a glance at my frail daughter, and my world comes sinking in again. She'll be weighed again soon, but as of my knowledge today, she has remained the same weight as last time, and I still have yet to see her birth weight.

Then being with church/family always helps me keep my mind on other things, but one more look at my daughter, my world sinks still. It's hard to think about this normal little infant being "like" a preemie. She makes me feel like I don't know how to nurse her, when I've successfully nursed 3 babies prior. Ah, Tesh, she kinda ruined my confidence in this area. I know Naomi's issue is small and through time and hard work, she will gain the strength she needs to nurse and thrive. I just don't know what this kind of success looks like. I haven't gotten that far yet. I look at Naomi's little face, and her eyes meet mine and I smile but it's so painful to smile most of the time. Her little hand will clench on to my finger and my heart melts, but then my fingers curve around the rest of her arm and all I feel is skin and bones. She is strong though, just not strong enough, apparently. I don't say all this to worry anyone. I'm doing enough of that all by myself. She is not failure to thrive. She is slow weight gain. and I have issues. 

I was just given THE pictures of my homebirth from the wonderful photographer we had there. (Kaitlin Wessman Photography..http://www.facebook.com/pages/Kaitlin-Wessman-Photography/236042179757299)  I needed this reminder that I have, in fact, succeeded in great things by doing what I did. And that this can not take my joy away from me, just because there is a speed bump.

Here's a glimpse into this wonderful event. To read my birth story, you can go down a few posts and find it.
Enjoy!  (most of the pics are from the KWphotography, some are ones taken by family)

Tesh enjoying the water

in between transition contractions

Eve is excited about the water as well. So was mommy :)

starting to push! Aunt Angie holding Isaiah

16 yr. old niece Ashley holding Eve...
 this was probably when we realized my bladder was coming out. Their faces are hilarious!

Josh getting ready to embrace me as I push "on land"

alright..the only picture I'll post of THE HARDEST part of this whole thing.

and there SHE is!!! NOT my bladder :) my precious pink baby!

DADDY putting her first diaper and outfit on :)

Tesh just waking up. I'm not sure she believed us that this baby was our baby. 

not even 24 hours old

this is what happens when...

Noami Sarai-  February 2012
love love love her :)